How long after death of partner before dating?

[GallyGaff]

I know you will say "it's different for everybody" and "when you're ready" but too soon seems disrespectful.

We were together for 20 years. He died 8 months ago.

Would you judge a relative/ friend who was looking to date after 8 months or should it be at least a year?
YABU - Wait at least a year.
YANBU - 8 months is fine

I think its more about why you are dating rather than timescale..ie I’m dating because I am scared to be on my own is very different to Im ready for love again.

I think that's where the widow/er needs to be very careful

I don't blame them for seeing people but I think they should keep them away from their children for quite a long time

There’s no right or wrong answer. As an older single woman, I’d be very wary of dating someone who had only been widowed a number of months rather than years but I’d also feel the same about someone separated and not yet divorced. It’s sometimes too much say to jump into a rebound without realising that’s what you’re doing.

I wouldn't judge, you move on when the time is right for you personally, anyone who does judge is irrelevant

I would judge under a year I think and I couldn’t even tell you why. Just being honest.

How would his family react? It may be worth mentioning to them so they aren't shocked.

Not very nice - what a silly thing to say. Op asked for opinions and I gave mine - If somebody is ready to move on and date so quickly after a long term relationship, I can only surmise that the relationship wasn’t that deep in the first place.

Most people would still be reeling 8 months after the death of a loved one, let alone ready to date.

I would have judged a quick coupling (under 6 Months) more out of concern for any children trying to adapt, and any potential for complex grief.

But having just spent 6 months doing a hard shift of end of life care for my husband - I wouldn't judge at all as long as you were happy and excited for a new future.

Life is too short.

I don’t know if you’ve been in that position @Gertrudesinthegutter but surely even if you have; you can only speak for your own experiences.
what bollocks that the relationship can’t have been deep if you’re ready to move on sooner 🙄

My stepdad (of 20+ yrs) was on dating sites within six weeks of my beloved mum dying extremely suddenly. I'm not sure I will ever really be able to process it. He's since died, and I'm relieved to not have to face it anymore.

Exactly! It’s my opinion, my experience. It doesn’t matter whether you agree or not!

You know what, I was a judge and jury.
Not any more, I've seen the real happiness it can bring.

Life's tough, you do you.

I spoke to my mum years later, and she said she craved speaking to another adult! Although the man had good points, they had almost nothing in common! I don't think he ever stayed over, which I would have found harder, but we did meet many times, I met his daughters etc. It fizzled out after a year or so though.

It depends on a huge number of factors. If a person was ill for a long period of time before dying, some of the grieving may have been endured while they were still alive, and therefore the widow/er ready to move on sooner. If children are involved, it’s always risky to move on too soon. It depends if the marriage was a good one, a bad one, the age of the deceased, whether the death was expected, etc.

I personally know someone who lost a parent a few years ago and the surviving parent moved on very quickly, and handled things extremely clumsily. Friend and siblings are hugely struggling with it even years later (they are all adults) and I doubt their relationship with their surviving parent will ever fully recover.

Thank you for your replies.

No children.
A very happy marriage with no baggage/ unresolved issuse.

He was very ill for 10 months. He died in a hospice in my arms. I said what I wanted to say in the minutes before he died.

He was 58. I'm 55.

I was widowed at 40. I waited more than 3 years but I had a lot of other stuff going on in my life at the time. I could not have handled a relationship. A widowed relative in his 50s waited i think just over a year before he thought about it.
No one can say it's too soon or whatever. They are not the ones on their own when the door closes at night. They are not the ones with no one to just sit and do nothing special with. I had plenty of friends who i could organise stuff with bit no one to just laze in front of the tv with it go to the pub at the last minute.

This.

I would judge someone for using another person to get over their grief. Unless of course the other person knows and accepts that you are still grieving

My DH died 18 months ago and I know that I am not ready to meet anyone else yet. I may never be.
I would never criticise anyone who wants a new relationship.
As with many things people who know you well and care for you will support your decisions. An old saying springs to mind ‘the people who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter’

I'm very sorry for your loss.

If you're ready and you've no children to consider then go for it and have some fun.

I'd just caution against falling too hard for now. It's so soon, I think it's a good rule of thumb not to make any big changes so soon after such a significant bereavement. No harm in dipping a toe in the water though!

Do what you want to do. I couldn't give a toss what anyone else thought. But I have always been like that!

In circumstances where there has been a long illness I think part of the grieving has been while the person was still alive.

I also once read an article written by a woman whose partner had died. She said that in some ways it was easier for her than for her friends who had divorced. The reason being that the relationship itself was never in question.

There was no acrimony or hate. Just love and an utter certainly that the person they loved had gone.

I wouldn’t judge anyone who has lost a partner.

My Stepdad started seeing a woman about 6 months after my Mum died. My DP was horrified, but I wasn't bothered, he'd had a shit few years and deserved to enjoy his life.

I also lost a friend of mine to pancreatic cancer in his 30s. His wife started dating again a year before he he died, at his insistance. She badly wanted kids, he was never going to be able to give her them, and wanted her to be happy once he'd gone. It was unconventional, and she lost some friends over it, but I never judged. They were dealt a shit hand, and dealt with it the best way they could see.

My father died in the Nov, by Christmas his wife had met someone new.
What she did or didn't do wasn't my concern tbh.
I was more upset she cut contact with my child, who was very confused.
Nobody will know how you feel. And I don't believe people have a right to make you feel shit about your feelings.
We are human beings, not robots.
💐

A friend of ours lost their partner after a short illness, then started dating someone a few months after that. They have said the children are ok with it and they all hang out. I can’t and won’t judge our friend after what they have been through and lost, but I do recognise that in years to come the children might look back with less forgiving eyes .

My husband died 3 years ago and I have not been ready. It was a hard short illness combined with Covid, so I looked after him with no support and ended up exhausted and off work for 6 months. My child would have found it very difficult if I dated. Im
hoping at some point to find a companion, a fellow traveller , a friend/lover - but I’ll have to see how that goes. I sometimes feel bad as people keep
asking me if I’m dating (and weirdly I feel almost too reticent to even have to admit thatI’ve only just started to feel even in a place to consider it.)
After losing a partner I wouldn’t judge - it’s a hard road and each person should do what they feel is best (but take into account the feelings of children)