To feel annoyed when my husband goes for a drink after work (SAHM)

[moussse]

I feel like I am being unreasonable? But are there any other SAHMs who feel this way?

For context, I’m a SAHM, but I wouldn’t say my DH is fully “financing” my lifestyle. We live in a house I own outright (no mortgage), and I cover my personal expenses, like clothes, makeup, and lunches with friends, using my own savings. DH pays for the joint stuff ie bills, groceries, children's clothes, dining out as a couple or family etc.

Here’s the issue: after work, my DH often goes for a beer or two with colleagues or friends. His workday ends around 5 pm, but he usually doesn’t get home until closer to 7 pm because of these outings (it’s about a 30-minute commute). This really frustrates me because I feel he could and should use that time to see our children or help out at home.

We have two kids, aged 1 and 4, who are with me all day, we don’t send them to nursery (my choice, though DH is fine if I wanted to). While DH is helpful when he’s home: he tidies up and cleans after dinner, he doesn’t take the initiative on things like laundry unless I specifically ask, even on weekends. For the most part, I’m the default parent, which I expected and wanted, but it can still be exhausting.

I don’t go out with my friends often, partly because DH struggles with both kids on his own, partly because the kids prefer me to him when I’m away, and partly because I just miss them if I’m out too much.

Am I unreasonable for being annoyed about the pub nights?

Depends how often. Also, do go out and leave him with the children. Unless you do, he's never going to learn how to find it less difficult, is he? As for missing them- presumably they'd be in bed most of the time anyway if you're out in the evening?

Does he just go to work and then pub then home ? Or does he have any other hobbies ?

It would be rather boring to just go to work and home , work and home … every single day . So I can understand why he wants to go to the pub if he doesn’t do anything else .
But he shouldn’t be doing it every day when your kids are small .

I think you should also go out more yourself and then you wouldn’t feel as resentful. Let him look after the kids - even if he struggle- else how is he ever gonna learn to look after them if you’re always around?

How often are we talking?
If it is once a week, it's two hours. That doesn't seem like much. Even four hours a week doesn't seem too much.

A key piece of advice: you have to learn to let him take care of the children alone and the children to get used to that by making it a regular thing that happens.You will be much happier in the long run. It doesn't matter if he doesn't do it the same way you do as long as the kids are alive and unharmed at the end of it. But he needs practice at it and you need to practice letting go.

Every Saturday morning, you need to go out by yourself for two hours. Get your hair cut, meet a friend for coffee, go for a swim, browse shops alone, walk along the canal, whatever. Every week, starting next weekend.

personally I wouldn’t mind dh going out for a drink sometimes to let off steam but I think then you need to start a class/ hobby to get more you time too and Your dh needs to get used to having the kids more for the kids’ sake, his and yours- it shouldn’t be team you and kids and then him himself which is what inevitably happens (dh said he has felt it in the past and it’s horrible)

Think we need to know how often is ‘often’.

I can see why you would find that tough and unfair - especially if you are left often dealing with bed time on your own, and if you don’t get to have an equivalent social life with girlfriends. If you had enabled voting, I almost certainly would have voted that you are not being unreasonable.

It’s hard dealing with little ones on your own, through the day and tea time/ bed time, and then your partner swanning in after his social world - and whether or not he funds you not having to “work” (ha ha!) is irrelevant.

You're right - looking after the kids isn't a real job anyway. Just going for coffees and having lie ins all day every day

3-4 times a week

I think 3-4 times a week is excessive. I work and my DP is a SAHD to our 1 yo and 3 yo. I know how hard it is to handle them both at the same time and there’s no way that I’d think it was fair to be out socialising 3-4 times a week when he’s at home trying to do dinner and bed tine on his own.

Four seems a bit much perhaps. Would you be fine with two?

Have you taken on board the repeated advice about letting him take care of the kids alone? What is your plan to make that happen?

Of course your children prefer you - he barely sees them!
I think you really should go out a couple of times a week around 7pm. Even if just to the gym or yoga. It’s important for his relationship with them that he should be parent in charge at least a couple of times a week.

The thing is, he's always either got an excuse "I can't Tuesday, I've got Ben's leaving drinks" or he'll spend the whole night messaging me "how's dinner going? DC1 won't either their food and DC2 has been crying for 2hrs straight" or I come home and they're both square eyed in front of the TV whilst he's on his phone "I couldn't get them to calm down any other way".
So it feels like I don't enjoy it anyway because the message is "I hope you're having a fun time but the kids and I are suffering" or it's not great for the kids. I personally don't think hours and hours of cartoons after their bedtime is a great idea (although nothing against occasional use of screen time and of course each to their own)

I sadly don't know how to enable it when posting from a phone! Or how to vote either

I've been a sahm for vast majority of my dc lives...they are teens now

I'm very easy going about DH going out and always have been.

However, I think in your situation, 4 times a week is a lot and your DC are very young so your days with them are going to be knackering.

I think your DH should cut down how often he's going out to be honest. Twice a week would be more than enough and you should also have the ability to socialise

He hast to learn somehow. Book yourself out on the regular and take up a weekend hobby.

I'd have a chat and say one night at the pub fine but I need you straight home the rest of the nights to help with the kids

This is totally unacceptable. Give him the tools to succeed (ie information about routine and anything that will help him) and leave him to it.repeat, repeat, repeat. Do NOT allow him to manipulate you into having no life through feigning incompetence.

I'd be more ok with 2 I think.
After posting, reading the comments and reflecting I also feel that part of the issue for me is the assumption that he can swan in whenever. Like it's ok that I'm dealing with the extra 2 hours as I'm home anyway.

And whoever said it's team me and children, and team DH, it absolutely is. It's sort of assumed I'll be with them if we do separate things ie if I'm having lunch with a friend whilst he's shopping for new trainers I'll take the kids, or if I'm shopping for clothes whilst he meets a friend I've still got the kids

4 times a week, imo, is really unfair! Not helping with bedtime etc is not on.

It might be beneficial for you to start a hobby like yoga? It’s only 1hr max and you can’t be ‘contacted’.

Your DH has a great set up. You do everything, he goes out multiple times a week without a care, and you have to raid your savings to buy your own clothes while also providing his accommodation at no cost to him.

He sucks, OP.

Have you heard of weaponised incompetence?

Like many people my age, I babysat for cash from 16 onwards and was capable of putting multiple kids to bed.

He is choosing to do this. If he can hold down a job, he has the mental capacity to do parent competently. He should be embarrassed not to be able to care for a child if a teenager is capable of doing it.

I would sit him down and have a serious chat. If he genuinely is not sure what to do, suggest that tomorrow he is home and does it under your supervision.
He can also do some online courses
https://positivelyparenthood.com/

Him going for drinks is a red herring really - what you should be raging about it is his parenting.

You must start forcing him to step up and take care of them.

@Icanttakethisanymore (and @ anyone else who has recommendations regarding this)

how would you recommend I deal with the fact that every time I try to go out he just places both children in front of the TV and let's them watch it for hours, way past their bedtime? He puts no effort into reading books or doing crafts when they're home alone, the vibe is very much "I've agreed to let you head out so it's up to me what we do that evening, it's the easiest way to calm them down" ie he doesn't even try other ways.

Even with the babysitter (we went out for dinner just us 2 recently) I know that the kids stop crying as soon as we are out of the door because within 5 minutes I'm often getting pictures of them drawing something or dressing up in a princess costume and it's what I see on the camera. I said to my husband isn't it heartbreaking to see them upset but hopefully they'll have a good time and he responds "yeah I'm sure she'll just stick a bit of Peppa on and they'll calm down" (I guarantee babysitter did not switch on Peppa and on the babycam every time I'd check they were playing with her)

What a shit father.

More TV than you would do - fine.

Staying up past their bedtime so you have to put them to bed when you return - not fine.