To feel annoyed when my husband goes for a drink after work (SAHM)

[moussse]

I feel like I am being unreasonable? But are there any other SAHMs who feel this way?

For context, I’m a SAHM, but I wouldn’t say my DH is fully “financing” my lifestyle. We live in a house I own outright (no mortgage), and I cover my personal expenses, like clothes, makeup, and lunches with friends, using my own savings. DH pays for the joint stuff ie bills, groceries, children's clothes, dining out as a couple or family etc.

Here’s the issue: after work, my DH often goes for a beer or two with colleagues or friends. His workday ends around 5 pm, but he usually doesn’t get home until closer to 7 pm because of these outings (it’s about a 30-minute commute). This really frustrates me because I feel he could and should use that time to see our children or help out at home.

We have two kids, aged 1 and 4, who are with me all day, we don’t send them to nursery (my choice, though DH is fine if I wanted to). While DH is helpful when he’s home: he tidies up and cleans after dinner, he doesn’t take the initiative on things like laundry unless I specifically ask, even on weekends. For the most part, I’m the default parent, which I expected and wanted, but it can still be exhausting.

I don’t go out with my friends often, partly because DH struggles with both kids on his own, partly because the kids prefer me to him when I’m away, and partly because I just miss them if I’m out too much.

Am I unreasonable for being annoyed about the pub nights?

More TV is fine. You need to ditch the expectation that he will be the same parent as you. You might also think about whether your expectations are making you think you need to be there all the time.

Four times a week out is too much. He should be coming home to spend time with his family before bedtime.

You ought to consider going out more for yourself and so that he does have to do more parenting. Tell him not to text unless there is an urgent issue. He also needs to feed and put the kids to bed at the right times.

Having read some of your updates he sounds v poor. He should be able to manage the kids and put them to bed or take them swimming. I think you doing everything has allowed him to opt out. I think you should take the desirable out if the equation - making cakes etc and stick to the basics. He must learn to put the kids to bed. Start now with a routine that daddy puts them to bed two or three evenings a week. The children will play up but you both read the riot act and make sure it happens if he won't step up then you need to think what is the point of him.

I like the idea of the OP going out for the evening and then on returning to see the children still up then walking right past and going to bed.
It is easy for him to go straight out to the pub from work - perhaps if he had to come home first wait for you or a babysitter before he could leave the house then he would soon change his behaviour.
My DH was like this but for some reason left work much later then would pop in and visit someone (an old biddy in hospital he barely knew etc) on the way home rarely to the pub so could guilt trip me by saying they are old and lonely. I did mention that I wanted to try and get fit - his suggestion was taking the kids to his mum while I went swimming - the session was at 8pm. He is still no better but at least the kids are big now. Plus if I am thinking of going out I at least will let him know (and it is only special occasions)

That's disgraceful OP he should be putting his family first. It very much sounds to me as if he is trying to avoid family life.
That wouldn't happen in my house. His stuff would be in bin bags outside and the locks changed.

What does he do on the day that he manages to get home without hitting the bars? Does he help? Or does he hide in the toilet with his phone for hours on end?

@devilspawn yes she's wearing just something easy to pull off but even that easy to pull off outfit needs... pulling off. She won't let daddy change

He'll come in, go to change, go to the toilet, say hi to the kids, sit down to eat dinner. He might offer to help feed the 1yo so that I can eat but he knows that DC will want me, so it's a pointless offer because the kids will cry for mummy.
He will 100% help to tidy the toys, unload the dishwasher, reload the dishwasher and clean up after dinner. He will also complain as to why the kids' toys are scattered in the first place.

@creamsnugjumper I'm saying about baking a cake, singing or dancing with the kids as just ideas. I truly don't care what they do as long as the kids are safe, it's not 3hrs+ of TV and he's giving the kids attention rather than fobbing thrm off to be raised by the TV

Are you interested in any sports / exercise hobbies?

There would be no point in him texting you constantly if your phone is on silent in a locker while you go for a swim or do a class.

Alternatively, text him a running commentary while he is out for drinks. If he asks why tell him you know he struggles with the kids alone so you thought step by step run through might help him.

He needs to stop giving up so easily and do it anyway. Then she will learn that sometimes it has to be daddy that does these things.

It’s never going to happen though because he just isn’t interested in his own children.

What are the children like with other people? Do you think they might benefit from nursery to get used to other people doing things for them?

I agree he should pull his weight completely but it also sounds like the children have separation anxiety from you too

You appear to be in a very fortunate position financially - I mean a paid for house and a passive income higher than your DH's wages.

In your situation I would outsource some help - cultivate a relationship with a babysitter/part time nanny to get some time off for yourself.

My god, your h is completely useless, lazy and selfish. What a failure of a father.

If hehad a problem to solve at work, what would he do? Why doesn't he apply some of that to looking after his own children before they have left school?!

And texting you all night when you go out? That's controlling.

Pathetic man child.

I would guess he’s turning up late deliberately to avoid bedtimes. I have worked with guys who do this (losers).

Take the fuse out of the tv plug next time you go out, so that it wont work. Then he will have to do something else with them. Oh and turn your phone off (sorry no reception/ran out of battery)

She won't let daddy change [her]

Tough. She doesn't (shouldn't) get the choice.
Sometimes you have to step up and be the parent. In this case you tell her firmly that daddy is changing her, then leave the room and ignore her screams and tantrums. Don't let either of them out of the room until he has changed her properly.
Then repeat, frequently, until she has got used to him doing it.

Honestly, you are making a rod for your own back.

Aside from your DH being pathetic, I agree with PP’s that the children need to spend time with adults other than yourself, or the transition to school will be difficult. Does your four-year-old go to anything without you? I really would consider nursery a couple of mornings a week to get them ready for school in September.

Both of my children loved nursery!

The children are fine with other people. When I've left them with my mum, they're absolutely fine. Not watching TV. Likely reading books, playing with toys or running around outside. She can put them to bed and hasn't failed yet, although it's more of a struggle than for me (again because I do it more often). The issue is I can't call my mum every time I want to go out as she's a little older and struggles with 2, and she lives far away. When my mum is in the area and offers to watch them then yes I will gladly make plans to be out.

Sounds like he has a drink problem

I agree with this OP, sorry.

I think going back to work would be good for both of you.

I had a similar issue with my husband and the first thing I had to make really clear was that I either wanted to get a text saying "Im not coping, come home", or nothing, or happy texts, but absolutely no texts saying "DS is crying, it's a nightmare". That when I was out of the house it was his kids, his responsibility. And if there's an emergency or he's really not coping, ask me to come back, but no "Complaining texts" or "opting out of parenting until I get back".
I also started allowing my husband to be far more proactive with the kids when I was at home. : "DH, could you please read the kids a story?" "No Susie, I can hear that you want Mummy but Mummy needs to do other things right now, Daddy will read to you." "Daddy will give you your dinner", etc. You're allowing him to opt out by giving into your kids' calling for Mummy.
I still do 95% of bedtimes etc, but my kids now know that Daddy getting them to bed is normal. So, ask your husband to parent more, and allow him to and that'll force him to step up.

@strawberrysea The OP owns their house and has a good passive income (presumably investments) that’s higher than his salary. It sounds as if she makes a larger financial contribution to the household than he does!
She could go back to work if she wanted to, but she’s not dependent on him.

Honestly I'm raging reading every update you post. He is such an arsehole. He is a shit father and a shit husband and I will go so far as to say a shit human being.

God knows how you can stand to be anywhere near him. An utterly useless human being.

She can't do that herself at 4?