To feel annoyed when my husband goes for a drink after work (SAHM)

[moussse]

I feel like I am being unreasonable? But are there any other SAHMs who feel this way?

For context, I’m a SAHM, but I wouldn’t say my DH is fully “financing” my lifestyle. We live in a house I own outright (no mortgage), and I cover my personal expenses, like clothes, makeup, and lunches with friends, using my own savings. DH pays for the joint stuff ie bills, groceries, children's clothes, dining out as a couple or family etc.

Here’s the issue: after work, my DH often goes for a beer or two with colleagues or friends. His workday ends around 5 pm, but he usually doesn’t get home until closer to 7 pm because of these outings (it’s about a 30-minute commute). This really frustrates me because I feel he could and should use that time to see our children or help out at home.

We have two kids, aged 1 and 4, who are with me all day, we don’t send them to nursery (my choice, though DH is fine if I wanted to). While DH is helpful when he’s home: he tidies up and cleans after dinner, he doesn’t take the initiative on things like laundry unless I specifically ask, even on weekends. For the most part, I’m the default parent, which I expected and wanted, but it can still be exhausting.

I don’t go out with my friends often, partly because DH struggles with both kids on his own, partly because the kids prefer me to him when I’m away, and partly because I just miss them if I’m out too much.

Am I unreasonable for being annoyed about the pub nights?

Could she go out for a drink after work then? The job is not really solving the problem is it? What would solve the problem would be if he was home on time a few times a week. Other than her up-ending her whole life because he can’t be bothered to come home on time a few days a week.

@TheGlitterFairy I tend to go out at more like 5-7 or 8 when I do go to see my friends (the one day a week when he will wfh or on a weekend) so I feel like baking a cake or dancing or singing at that time is fine. And I'd certainly rather any of those than screen time right before bed.

Yes, absolutely, they prefer me because that's what they're used to but it's a catch 22 in that my husband won't do it because it's accompanied by screaming and it wont change if he doesn't try

We also implemented a rule that we put the kids to bed every other night so they got used to us both doing it.

Obviously not for their whole lives but while they were younger to avoid any issues of the ‘mummy mummy’ drama.

@lionloaf sadly no one gets put to bed on time unless I try to get home before bedtime, which obviously limits which friends I can go out with if I need to be back by 7-8pm (ie the friends need to be free at like 5pm and want a super early dinner, if we're going for dinner, or interested in seeing an exhibition or whatever).

The few times I've got back at 9-10pm if I wanted to go to the theatre, everyone is awake and in front of the TV, my husband says he tried but they won't go to bed without mummy

Perhaps you could point out to him that if you divorce him then, on his days to have the children, he will have to take sole responsibility and do it all without your help. So maybe it would be a good idea to get some practice in and get used to it ASAP.

@Everydayimhuffling when I come back the kids are stuck to me and the husband disappears into the toilet saying he's been looking after them all evening and he just wants to wee in peace now and scroll the football scores (which he's been scrolling anyway whilst they've watched TV). No way would he agree to put them to bed. And again, of course I could refuse too, but it'll be the kids suffering whilst we both try to make a point.

Don't step in or don't go home until they're in bed. He keeps you updated on how it's going, so presumably you know if they are still up.

I'd book a night away. Dc would have to go to bed without mummy , however I'm sure they would anyway. Your DH just can't be arsed to attempt the bedtime routine as he knows you'll pick up the slack when you get home.

Issue is she has no role other than mum,and feels resentful that he is dad and worker
Time to step outwith the solely mum and do and be something else
Get a job,get a schedule. Make arrangements

Yeah 3-4 times a week is ridiculous and way too much. Once, maybe twice a week I'd say was reasonable if you also have equivalent time to yourself. Also depends if it's just one drink or several. One quick drink twice a week ok. Staying out for hours getting wasted even once a week not ok (I had this when my kids were small and it was horrendous and I almost left him over it - things better now thank god but it was just awful when I got that "quick drink" text when it was bedtime witching hour and I knew I was on my own for hours more).
Four times a week regardless of amount of time too much.

He sounds like a sperm donor, I couldnt be married to a man who makes no time for his own children and couldnt even put them to bed. It sounds like you have two options , either stick with the status quo (doesnt sound like he's going to change), or leave him and you have to get a job yourself. Also why are you paying for your own treats out of your own money?!

Have you pointed out to him he does this when you go out? I'd tell him if he's not comfortable looking after his own kids he needs to spend more time with them so get home more evenings on time. What does he do on the weekend? Does he go out loads then too?

Oh god yeah well keeping them up til 9/10 isn’t acceptable at all - he needs to be putting his big boy pants on and getting them down at their normal time and you can then be out seeing friends or whatever (sitting downstairs with wine!) while he gets on with it.

I’d suggest as other have said trying to go away somewhere for a couple of nights so he can see the full gambit of what it all means to have them up that late etc etc - hard I know, but it’s short term pain for all and will reap rewards ie he will be able to put them to bed at the right time and also UNDERSTAND why they need to go to bed at that time

I couldn't get upset about this. As long as he's hands on when he is about, I'd have no problem with him stopping off for a beer after work.
In my own relationship, which is exactly the same situation, I'm also allowed down time where he will deal with the kids and cook and do housework: He pulls his weight and earns the money so as far as I'm concerned he deserves that beer.

I would find it hard to stay with this man as you don't seem to have common values.

When I go out. If dh texts saying dc are doing this or that. I simply reply something like ' I'm sure you'll sort it' ' haha bless them'
It's rare he does though as he is a parent and is capable of dealing with them. He doesn't have a choice.

@OoohChristmastreeee it's not like he asks. He'll just roll in at 7 and say "I've been at Sam's leaving drinks" or "Fred is annoyed at his boss and wanted to vent so we went to the pub" or "I bumped into John, can you believe it? So we went to the pub".
If I ask him to cut down he'll say "yeah sure I will try" but then the next day he bumps into Chris who's just got some big news so they obviously had to go and celebrate and the day after his boss wanted to have a word so they went to the pub...

I want to add that it's not a drinking problem as he doesn't always have an alcoholic drink and also he will easily go for weeks without (paternity leave or generally when I was pregnant he wouldn't drink whilst we're together so when we holidayed he didn't drink at all)

You need proper help… you’re husband is not going to help no matter how much you nag him.

either get some help from family friends or paid help, nursery.

ask him to cover the cost.

I think you should consider working once your child is 2 years old. Don’t trust your husband

@Zone2NorthLondon I've worked for a long time and can say I 100% prefer being a SAHM, me getting a job wouldn't solve anything and would only make me more unhappy.
What would solve things is if my husband tried to do some parenting outside of his work hours of 9-5.

He sounds totally disinvested in family life. If he doesn't want to come home until after the kids are in bed, what's the actual point of him being there at all?

It's not a drinking problem, it's an assumption of freedom problem. He clearly feels absolutely no responsibility to your family. No responsibility to be home, no responsibility to look after the children or to get them to bed, and no responsibility to give you time to yourself.

Ok. I think you have 3 choices;

1. accept the status quo; he’s a shit dad, you’re the default parent etc. etc.
2. leave him.
3. allow him to be whatecer kind of parent he wants to be but regularly and diligently force him to go it alone. Allow him to deal with the consequences; come home late, or stay away for the night.

He can be better if he has to be.

He's a shit dad.

They're going to grow up indifferent to him. Or worse.

Is that what he wants? Is that how his dad was? How about his friends / brothers ?

I suggest you have a conversation and spell out actions have consequences. If he doesn't put any effort into the kids he won't get any out.

When I was a SAHM to young dc we had an agreement that dh would have one night a week to go to the pub straight after work. I always had equal rights to a night out when I wanted and I did go out probably once a week too. I also had holidays away with girl friends and weekends away when I wanted.
I’d have been very pissed off at 4 nights a week for a couple of hours each time, he’s avoiding being an equal partner in the house.
Now our dc are grown up (adults and a teen), dh pretty much still goes out once night per week and I’m out three times as much.
It does get easier when they’re older but I don’t think I’d have been chilled about this op.

To me it would depend on how he phrases it all. I'm a SAHM with a husband who travels a lot. He used to inform me he was going out this and this date or travelling then and then and I got quite resentful of it all. I asked him to phrase it like a question instead just so I feel like I have some say in the matter even if I don't! It genuinely made a difference. And to be honest, he has also become more considerate since we introduced this as it gives me a chance to point out he'll miss xyz if he goes then so maybe it would be better if he goes a day later if possible etc. He often agrees. It's made me so much less resentful.

I personally find one of the problems with being a SAHM is the lack of agency you have, or at least feel like you have. Might be something to try and work on!