To feel annoyed when my husband goes for a drink after work (SAHM)

[moussse]

I feel like I am being unreasonable? But are there any other SAHMs who feel this way?

For context, I’m a SAHM, but I wouldn’t say my DH is fully “financing” my lifestyle. We live in a house I own outright (no mortgage), and I cover my personal expenses, like clothes, makeup, and lunches with friends, using my own savings. DH pays for the joint stuff ie bills, groceries, children's clothes, dining out as a couple or family etc.

Here’s the issue: after work, my DH often goes for a beer or two with colleagues or friends. His workday ends around 5 pm, but he usually doesn’t get home until closer to 7 pm because of these outings (it’s about a 30-minute commute). This really frustrates me because I feel he could and should use that time to see our children or help out at home.

We have two kids, aged 1 and 4, who are with me all day, we don’t send them to nursery (my choice, though DH is fine if I wanted to). While DH is helpful when he’s home: he tidies up and cleans after dinner, he doesn’t take the initiative on things like laundry unless I specifically ask, even on weekends. For the most part, I’m the default parent, which I expected and wanted, but it can still be exhausting.

I don’t go out with my friends often, partly because DH struggles with both kids on his own, partly because the kids prefer me to him when I’m away, and partly because I just miss them if I’m out too much.

Am I unreasonable for being annoyed about the pub nights?

He is taking the absolute piss, to be frank.

@IVFmumoftwo that's a choice we've made together as that's what works better for us

Why don't you you just get rid of him and invest in a babysitter? One who will look after the children properly.

Finishing at 5 is pretty reasonable, so I'd say he should be able to have a couple nights a week where he spends an hour with mates at the pub/hobby. Just to unwind and chat about the working day.
As long as you can also rely on him to give you a couple hours equally to meet mates or do something while he has the kids.

We've tried this (tbf when DC1 was a bit younger so maybe should try again). It starts with a tantrum "I want to go swimming with mummy not daddy", then a message asking what to do because she doesn't want daddy to change her (out of outdoor clothes and into swimming stuff), then turns out they've just gone to get cake instead of swimming because "it didn't work out"

I don't get that. Your child is entitled to free hours and you don't use it? It would give you a break though. One child instead of two!

Most of my female friends are the family breadwinners. Fathers stay home with the kids.

If one of their DHs had an issue with them having an after work drink or one of them said 'I have to leave or Dave will be upset with me' there would have been some pretty choice words about how controlling and unreasonable he was being. .

Do they all go out for drinks 3-4 times a week whilst dads prep the dinner and get the kids fed?

OP thinks she is the only one that can look after her children to her standards.

OP, it seems money is not an issue for you, so how do you feel about the suggestion that you take two or three nights away from home, and leave the DC with him?

Read that again.

What is your immediate reaction to the idea of you leaving the DC with him for two nights?

Horror? No never? I couldn't? They would miss me? I would miss them? I couldn't trust him? He wouldn't look after them? He would damage them? I would feel guilty? I would be a bad mother?

The root of your issue lies with your attachment to the children. The solution also lies with you. Make the decision: either leave him to learn to parent them, or accept that this will never change and you are the default parent, but that is okay with you.

Separately, look at your relationship as a couple, leaving the DC out of it for a moment.
How is it going? Is it dead? Salvageable? Needs a bit of attention?
Do you still love him?

And have you tried pointing out that the children are 1 and 4,he is their father and it is beyond pathetic that he can't manage them.

But also point out that you do realise this is probably not the case and you are fully aware that he is using strategic incompetence as an excuse not to do better. You know he is doing a poor job on purpose to wriggle out of his responsibilities and you are not impressed.

Are you in the UK? I so that prenup may not hold much water in court.

In which case, if you are heading for divorce do it sooner rather than later.
The longer the marriage, the more likely you will have to hand over to him a huge chunk of you assets.

He’s pathetic. Not to mention a shit father. Why are you putting up with him?

I'm in a similar financial position as a sahm with assets and financial independence. DH and I are always together in the evenings and he never goes for after work drinks. I think it works well for us - we aren't really sociable and would rather have that time with each other and our dc, and keeping on top of the house and admin. A lot of people will insist that you need time away from the dc on your own but I never felt that need (although I have put my dcs in preschool from age 2 as I feel it's beneficial for them). I've only done bedtimes on my own a handful of times due to a few occasions when DH has been out, and it's definitely easier when I can just put one child to bed and DH takes the other one.

At weekends we have time as a family of 4 rather than one parent looking after both kids to give one parent some time alone. It's just what works for us, we prefer being able to give one to one time to each child which is easier for us as parents and nicer for the kids who have that attention. So I don't think you need to insist on time away from your dcs if you don't feel the need for it, but I wouldn't be happy dealing with the evening childcare and housework in the evenings because your DH is out several nights a week.

He sounds like a shitty father and he expects you to pick up after him.

The only answer to that one is ‘man the fuck up mate‘

or perhaps if you are feeling kindly(how?) then tell him to find a YouTube HowTo video.

But OK 4 times a week is mad.

Also the messaging you when he's with the children is weaponised incompetence. Don't respond or just tell him he'll cope.

Hi OP.

You had to learn to manage your children as they didn’t come with a manual. Your husband needs to stop asking you as if you were the manual. He needs to learn by himself putting in the effort,

So next time you go out with your friends and he tries to guilt trip you into coming back home to grumpy children I would make myself scarce and don’t engage.

Just say, Dave, dinner is going well. We are still talking, see you later. Don’t fall for the dear Jane says she wants mummy, and dear John has had a pop Amy can you come and change him.
Just leave him to it, he has to learn and is effectively choosing to come home late so that he doesn’t have to parent.

That’s even worse that he doesn’t give you the common courtesy of letting you know he won’t be home late! That’s not on at all.. my husband would never just go to the pub after work without contacting me via text or a call to ask if it’s ok if he pops in the pub after work and have we got anything on as otherwise he will be straight home.

You need to tell him that ‘oh yeh, il try’ isn’t good enough and that he needs to be home by 5.30. That you don’t care if Chris has got some big news or if Fred wants to vent. He needs to tell them sorry he has to go home to his kids and wife as he already went out after work for Sam’s leaving drinks this week and he doesn’t want to take the piss.

If he can’t step up then leave him. He has no respect for you and he doesn’t bother parenting his children.

The 2 hours in the pub is to avoid the kids as much as possible or to be allocated tasks to help. Say nothing and stop ironing shirts/ washing his clothes accomodating his life and answering texts or phone calls from him to do things for him while you are at home. Do it slowly and sutley. Everytime you see him have something in your hand e.g. laundry basket because he will be awaiting his dinner or clothes ready. Remember slowly and sutle. And go out and leave him to it with the children. He knows the "suffering" and worry will bring you back...like a leash

@bevm72yellow I totally agree- I worked in the city for a while( back team job) and it was full of guys who hit the bars at 5.15 rather than go home basically because they couldn't hack small kids needs - most of them said so- they used to tell their wives client meetings etc etc - it wasn't - they just didn't particularly enjoy dealing with young kids and were selfish egotistical arses in most cases

You shouldn't have to, but you could try scaffolding what it's like to actually parent.

Maybe on a weekend so there's time and he's less tired, ask him to join in the baking or whatever. Model giving instructions and guiding, model making it fun. Start a silly game then step away for a moment, letting them carry on. And keep trying. Get him to join bath time, start a bit of fun they can carry in then go and charge your phone or something.

You've built up so much skill all the hours he's been at work. You shouldn't have to now spoonfeed that to him but looks like you might have to try. Good luck!

He's definitely being pathetic texting you when he's alone with the children.

You've had some good advice about having him take them out for specific activities and slowly building it up so that both he and the children become more comfortable with each other. It sounds as if they don't spend enough time together and he's perhaps a bit scared of how to look after them?

Point out to him that it's so worth it in the long run. DH has a real bond with our now-teenagers and does various activities with them. They've also been on some amazing holidays (just DH and one child) as sometimes we can't all travel together due to work and school commitments.

When does your 4yo go to school? Surprised they are not in pre-school. Your DH won’t be able to keep them up late at night once at school. He sounds an awful dad, not sure what be brings to their lives (not sure what he brings to yours either to be fair)

But your eldest does need to get used to being away from you (and you need to be used to being away from them) before they start school

It has been same for me but I think the children are also reacting to the father's unwillingness to really engage with them. I say this because I have family members who on occasion swept in determinedly and looked after my extra 'clingy' little one and there were no tears, no calling for mummy
Because they came in with the idea to actively play and engage, not to try to listen /watch sports/insta whatever on their phone