To feel annoyed when my husband goes for a drink after work (SAHM)

[moussse]

I feel like I am being unreasonable? But are there any other SAHMs who feel this way?

For context, I’m a SAHM, but I wouldn’t say my DH is fully “financing” my lifestyle. We live in a house I own outright (no mortgage), and I cover my personal expenses, like clothes, makeup, and lunches with friends, using my own savings. DH pays for the joint stuff ie bills, groceries, children's clothes, dining out as a couple or family etc.

Here’s the issue: after work, my DH often goes for a beer or two with colleagues or friends. His workday ends around 5 pm, but he usually doesn’t get home until closer to 7 pm because of these outings (it’s about a 30-minute commute). This really frustrates me because I feel he could and should use that time to see our children or help out at home.

We have two kids, aged 1 and 4, who are with me all day, we don’t send them to nursery (my choice, though DH is fine if I wanted to). While DH is helpful when he’s home: he tidies up and cleans after dinner, he doesn’t take the initiative on things like laundry unless I specifically ask, even on weekends. For the most part, I’m the default parent, which I expected and wanted, but it can still be exhausting.

I don’t go out with my friends often, partly because DH struggles with both kids on his own, partly because the kids prefer me to him when I’m away, and partly because I just miss them if I’m out too much.

Am I unreasonable for being annoyed about the pub nights?

So you’re effectively the breadwinner as you cover the mortgage and childcare costs for two kids, and you’re also the default parent. What exactly does he bring to your life?

He is living his best single life. Be careful.. this is how my marriage ended. However j went to work and paid for childcare.
The dynamic is so skewed in his favour here.
Get a job any job pay for childcare, go for drinks till 7 , tell him it's his turn to be the parent.

My exh refused so.. i left him.

He doesn't get to live the single lad life and text you how it it going? Fucking pisstake. Get him back home Get your cv out monday.

Trust me , else a few months yesrx from now you will detest the sight of him.

YANBU 4 times a week is ludicrous when your children are so small. I only have a one year old but am a SAHM too and my partner rarely goes out and comes straight home, and when he does go he tells me in advance! I'd be so angry if he came strolling in 2 hours late, looking after kids is so full on I am normally counting down that last half hour when he comes in with more energy to play and I don't have to be 100% "on".

Regarding the screen time I do empathise with this however I think you just have to release the control a little bit and acknowledge that a little bit more screen time one evening won't kill them. From my perspective I would rather my daughter was watching TV with her dad than screaming/crying. If you have a normal night out and come back late even with missing you the kids would surely have collapsed from exhaustion, especially your younger one.

I think you would be doing your children a disservice if you dont give him more opportunities to parent in his own way. They need to build a bond with their dad and he needs to increase his own confidence with his children and find his own way of doing things. He probably defaults to you in this self fulfilling cycle because when he tries they cry for you, you step in and the cycle repeats. Not to mention you need a break and a chance to be you and not mummy all the time.

You must ignore his texts. Tell him before you go out that you will not be responding to anything other than a true emergency. Get a backbone. For all your sakes.

I have a passive income (higher than my husband's) , there's a pre nup in place, so me getting a job will not give me any more financial independence as I already have it.

Yes we could in theory split up the kids, in practice we rarely do (unless it's DC2's nap time , DH supervised whilst I take DC1 swimming for example) because DH is message saying DC is having a terrible time, they'll just watch TV the whole time or sit there crying... meanwhile I'm with the other DC having a great time, so there's a lot of mum guilt

3-4 times a weeks is way too much, and my situation is exactly the same as yours OP - SAHM but I own our house outright. My DH goes to the gym after work once a week, if he wanted to go to the pub too then fine but 3-4 nights? No way. Being a SAHM is lovely, i truly love it but it's relentless. He's expecting way too much of you in my opinion.

So when you have a discussion about him just allowing the kids to stay up until you get home, I presume you say it’s unacceptable and he must put them to bed? Or is there a part of you that likes that the kids only want you? It does feel like it’s slipped into some weird dynamic where he’s got less authority with the kids than a babysitter. You do have some control over that, don’t save the day, make him do it, even if that means a night or two away.

Yes he really wanted the kids. We had to try for DC2 for a while, in the meantime he quit drinking to make his sperm even better (although it was already "normal" but to improve our chances) and did every one of my IVF injections

Sounds like a man who likes the 'idea of child' but not the work of raising them.

You deserve better tbh

But what's the point of him? What does he add to your lives? If he serves no purpose why are you letting him treat you this way? You may love him but I would get the absolute ick if my husband acted so passive to our children and family

Dh we need to talk. Im happy to look for a counsellor and we can talk things through with their help, but I need you to understand I have no respect for you as a father and you’re not a good husband to me either. You’re absent and negligent, put no effort into our marriage or me and even less into nurturing and caring for our children. You’d always rather go to the pub, do a poo or stick the tv on and do absolutely fucking anything else than look after your children. They are wonderful children and deserve better. Of course they dont lovr it when you do something for them, you are short tempered and dismissive, and get mad and give up in about 5 minutes. and thats not even starting on you taking zero actual responsibikty at home and thinking yoir time is your own because you assume im 100% responsible for our children 24 hours a day. when i do go out you dont make an effort, just pllonk the tv on and harass me non stop until i come home. thw only bright side of all this is it sounds so easy to separate, they wouldnt miss you and i cannot by any more totally responsible for our children than i am already. I'm not convinced there is anything salavageable here but like i said im willing to go to counselling and see if you can change. a lot to be clear, you'd have to change a lot.

Were you the one who wanted children? Did you feel he was doing you a favour by 'allowing' you to have kids? Because it sounds like he was just the sperm donor and was never on board with 50/50 parenting.
Did you both agree to you being a SAHM? Or was it your decision? I'm willing to bet in 10 years, he'll decide you should be working full time because he's got burnout, because the kids are suddenly much easier and you'll finally start to get a bit more freedom or you'll be heading for separation.
Once you have kids, you simply don't have the freedoms you had before. Yet so many men seem to struggle with the new status-quo of being a father.
You are not being unreasonable to feel pissed that his life doesn't seem to have changed, and he simply doesn't want to put the effort in....in other words he's just selfish.

You are being totally unreasonable to be pissed he puts the telly on. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a bit of screen time, especially if he puts on something educational, in his time it's his choice, so long as he's not neglecting or putting the kids in danger you need to chill out.

You are not being unreasonable to be peeved he's not putting them into bed.
It's also not doing the kids any favours to have you as the constant 'go to parent' it's absolutely essential they build a relationship with him and vice-a-versa.

You need to sit down and air your grievances, otherwise resentment will fester and you'll be heading for divorce or a very unhappy and broken marriage. You both need to listen and come up with a plan. It's essential he puts his thoughts into words and it's not you making all the 'family' decisions. You are now a team and need to act as a team.
Good luck!

He doesn’t sound happy and like he’s taking every opportunity to be out of the house for as long as possible. Is your marriage otherwise good? The baby/toddler years are tough on relationships.

Sometimes my phone autocorrect fails and I can’t be bothered correcting it

You need to find a way to redress the imbalance. You need to make it much, much harder for him to opt out of things. Part of that will involve you having to see him mess things up, so prepare yourself for that and DO NOT STEP IN.

I would go very slowly. Start with a new system where he is responsible for making dinner and feeding the kids on Saturday and Sunday night. You go out or make yourself unavailable somehow (in the bath... doing an online course... ). There is limited scope for failure here but he gets used to doing it by himself. Build up to other tasks (taking them to the park, doing a dentist appointment, going shopping with them). Studiously ignore any messages you might get.

Then you could try a regular bedtime for one kid that is always his job (Saturday night maybe). Again, don't step in. If that feels too hard, start with one element of the bedtime routine (eg tooth brushing) being his job.

Then you may be at the point where you feel you could go out for the whole night (ie he has to manage putting them to bed because you're not coming back).

If you can get to this point, then you can start doing something in the evenings that means he has to come home (an evening class maybe).

Of course, all of this assumes that if you say 'could you take the kids to the park so I can.... whatever' he will do it. If he point blank refuses it's a case of accept him as he is (whilst not respecting him at all) or leave him.

He messages you saying his child is having a terrible time when you are with the other

that is awful and frankly damaging to the children as well as he is pitching it as you choosing one over the other and will harm their relationship

the going out 4 nights a week is excessive and an annoyance his inability to parent and those types of comment are dangerous

DH just took DD out to the theatre and I stayed at home with DS both have a lovely night and apart from the occasional keeping in touch message (and some banter between the kids as both are teenagers with phones) we did our own thing which is how it should be

wny are you letting him make you feel guilty and trapped

Yes, this pretty much sums it up.

He can't be arsed and is living his own life. Give him some responsibility to look after HIS children and start going out yourself (although I fear you'll get some pushback over this).

Why don't you put the four year old in nursery? I presume they are entitled to free hours now? You would get a break.

Hmmmm. I'd not be happy with 3-4 nights a week. I worked with a guy like that, he'd actively suggest drinks to avoid going home. He was a lot older than his partner and I think he missed the life he had established before they had kids.
She was happier at home with the kids and I think he felt neglected by her too compared with the pre-kids time when his ego was stroked more frequently.

We all used to laugh amongst ourselves and say how sad it was and how we felt for her.

I'd say 2 nights is fine. But from someone who has been the person who would rather be at home with the kids, I'd strongly advocate you to make sure you remain your own person and keep a separate "non Mum" part of you. It's very easy to become quite lost without realising it.

Of course I say it's unacceptable and every time he tells me it's the only way he could manage, they wouldn't go to bed so here we are at 10pm watching tv.

Laugh, and tell him he’s pathetic. Then go to bed and leave him to it.

You seem to be financially stable. What is the point of him?

Stop being kind and tell him he’s a neglectful parent and partner. He should feel ashamed of himself.

Can you get him to take the child to the activities rather than you, so he can't just put them in front of the tv? I agree with pp, you need to ask him if he wants to be a better dad and if so get him to gradually do stuff more independently. He could even read some books on the subject - eg Toddler taming. But he has to want to step up.

@Tchunk I think this may be my next strategy

It's not really a message "DC is having a terrible time", more like... (let's say I've left DC2 during the nap and took DC1 to an Xmas party) it'll be things like "DC1 woke up in a terrible mood, doesn't want a snack" "shes crying for mummy, what time do you think the party will end?" "Still crying for mummy, won't let me change a nappy" ...