To feel annoyed when my husband goes for a drink after work (SAHM)

[moussse]

I feel like I am being unreasonable? But are there any other SAHMs who feel this way?

For context, I’m a SAHM, but I wouldn’t say my DH is fully “financing” my lifestyle. We live in a house I own outright (no mortgage), and I cover my personal expenses, like clothes, makeup, and lunches with friends, using my own savings. DH pays for the joint stuff ie bills, groceries, children's clothes, dining out as a couple or family etc.

Here’s the issue: after work, my DH often goes for a beer or two with colleagues or friends. His workday ends around 5 pm, but he usually doesn’t get home until closer to 7 pm because of these outings (it’s about a 30-minute commute). This really frustrates me because I feel he could and should use that time to see our children or help out at home.

We have two kids, aged 1 and 4, who are with me all day, we don’t send them to nursery (my choice, though DH is fine if I wanted to). While DH is helpful when he’s home: he tidies up and cleans after dinner, he doesn’t take the initiative on things like laundry unless I specifically ask, even on weekends. For the most part, I’m the default parent, which I expected and wanted, but it can still be exhausting.

I don’t go out with my friends often, partly because DH struggles with both kids on his own, partly because the kids prefer me to him when I’m away, and partly because I just miss them if I’m out too much.

Am I unreasonable for being annoyed about the pub nights?

She needs to already be wearing her swimming stuff, with something easy to pull off over the top of it. And something easy to change back into after.

I was SAHM. Not lie ins but coffee out a lot, park visits, play groups so.quite relaxing. Let's face it. It's much easier than working. If you are working, you still have a house and children to organise.

OP, sorry to say this, but the more I read your updates, the less I think your situation can be salvaged.

This isn't about your husband simply going to the pub after work. It's about a sustained pattern of selfishness, disrespect, weaponised incompetence, and a desire to take as little responsibility as possible for looking after his own kids.

I've seen some people suggest that you just leave him to crack on with things, and who cares if he allows them to watch hours of TV, etc. Except I bet he's not the one who has to deal with overtired, cranky children the next day!

I agree with posters who say that he needs to be left alone with the kids for at least one night, so he can deal with the consequences of his parenting decisions the next day. If that won't work (for example, if you reasonably believe the kids would be unsafe in his care), or if you try it and it doesn't work (for example, if he just takes them to his mum's house so that she can look after them), I honestly think your only options are: (1) put up with it, and accept that this is who he is; or (b) leave him.

Is that… a good enough reason in your head for this man to absolutely fucking nothing at home?

I would frankly lose my sh"t and tell him to do the right thing and paren his own children. Then say I'm out every Tuesday and Thursday evening from 6pm to 9pm (or whatever) and you have to feed them and put them to bed.

Stand up for yourself and your children. Fine for him to go out and have downtime. Fine for you too as well.

It’s obvious your husband doesn’t want to come home early to look after kids.

Going for a drink after work until 7 pm 4 times a week is a choice.

you can ask him to step up - I doubt he will.

I suggest you get yourself some paid help instead in the form of a nanny or baby sitter

Depends on the child. Some toddlers are bloody difficult.

I was SAHM. Not lie ins but coffee out a lot, park visits, play groups so.quite relaxing. Let's face it. It's much easier than working. If you are working, you still have a house and children to organise.

@cherish123
You don't really have much of a house to organise if you are married to a SAHP though, like the OP's DH is.

I am a SAHM and my DH hasn't had to cook much, buy groceries, tidy, do a night wake, take a day off for nursery pretty much since DC1 was born years ago (aside from very occasionally when I've had too much on and he's had to step up). His life is not much harder than that of a single working man's and a million miles away from what most working mum's have to juggle and balance. He has plenty of time and energy to parent at the weekend and bond with the kids after work. Which he happily does, because he likes us.

Sadly I think the OP's DH simply doesn't like family life and is therefore selfishly opting out rather than communicating and working on the issues. I would be expecting this marriage to fail and if I were the OP I would be concerned about being out of work for so long and then potentially losing the house. I think she should see a lawyer to protect herself.

100% true.

If you will be no financially worse off, then leave him. He is taking you for a ride, and he knows it. His behaviour is not going to change.

That's nearly every work day so it's a lot. I assume that by the time he gets home, the children have eaten and are ready for bed?

Often, teatime and bedtime are the most stressful parts of the day with small children and he is avoiding most of them.

I would be cross too.

He sounds pathetic.

Tell him that unless he steps up you’ll be asking him to leave as he brings nothing to your life. His choice.

If he chooses to step up then you then have to let him fail a few times. Don’t read the messages when you’re out as long as the children are safe he can deal with them. If you doubt they are safe you’ve got bigger problems.

On the basis he wfh on Fridays it is every night

OP hasn't said that she wants to spend less time with her children. She wants their father to spend more time with them rather than going to the pub every night and to learn how to look after his own children without sticking them in front of the TV all evening.

It's unusual not to send a 4 year old to nursery but that doesn't make the OP's DH's parenting any less shit.

Your husband is being totally unreasonable. Being at home with 2 small children is so so hard. I really struggled with both my maternity leaves and couldn't wait til my husband got home from work. Literally counting down the minutes. 😂 Things are much easier now they are older. Once a week would be fine. He's a parent, he needs to come home and parent. My husband and I have always shared parenting equally and took it in turns to socialise plus we would always check with eachother first.

Send him back to his mummy and stop sabotaging yourself. You need to get out more .

I would imagine that if OP got a job, it would still be her responsibility to do all the drop offs and pick ups to and from childcare and to do all the bedtimes. I bet OP's DH would still go to the pub 4 times a week and OP would be the one taking time off work if the children were poorly.

The problem is that he is a shit and lazy father, not that OP doesn't work.

And that's the point at which you say "oh well what at a shame" walk past and go to bed.

And say I'll see you when they are asleep.

Stop him calling you when you are out as well.

He's a crappy dad and husband, totally taking the piss out of your good nature.

But I also think you need to lower the bar, asking your husband to bake a cake with a 4 & 1 year old in the evening is a bit controlling, let him do dad stuff, you don't get to dictate this time.

Imagine as he leave the house each day he shouts to you, so today id like you do to XYZ a with the kids. You'd be fuming, but it's what you are doing to him, he will never be good enough so he won't try.

Often women are reluctant to divorce because
A) they believe their children will be unhappy about not living with their father

Good news is your kids won't mind since they don't have much of a bond

B) they struggle with the idea of their kids spending 50pc of their time with their father and not with them

Good news is that your husband is not going to want to take care of your kids very often, possibly at all so he definitely won't want 50/50.

C) they can't afford to.

It sounds like you have some independent wealth, if you have paid for the house. You might need a slightly smaller or less fancy place after a split but you appear to be able to comfortably afford to leave

So you are actually in quite a powerful position.
You don't need him.
Unless he starts to respect you and to respect and care for your children then

Couples counselling should be your first step
Remember the going out for a beer is a symptom, not the cause of the problem here. It sounds like even if he agrees to only go out once or twice a week, you would just have him being useless at home. Not going out so often won't on its own make him a decent father and husband

He isn't 'hands on' when he is home either. He doesn't pull his weight with the kids at all. OP is contributing financially by providing a mortgage free home and her savings from years of employment so it isn't even as simple as 'he provides all the money and she does everything else'.

Your DH is obviously hands-on with the children when he is at home. OP's DH isn't like that.

You're clueless and obtuse. The problems OP has with her DH are because he is a really terrible father not because she is a SAHM. He would still be a really terrible father if OP went out to work. She would just be juggling work and childcare.

It’s horses for courses, really, I went from a board level job in a highly competitive industry to sahm and found the latter MUCH harder, repetitive and stressful, isolating with a lot of mundanity. Very worthwhile and rewarding for sure, but hard! (For me.)

Do they go to the pub 4 times a week and are they incapable of parenting their own children? If not, the situation is not the same.

If OP goes out very rarely, he DH is texting her all evening saying how upset the children are and how they won't go to bed. That is controlling.

The more you post, the worse he sounds. This would kill any love and respect I had for a partner – he’s washed his hands of all parenting. It’s horribly unattractive. He’s a grown man and he can’t or won’t take his kids swimming, put them to bed, or have them accompany him on a chore like shopping? Look, we all want to be child-free while buying shoes or whatever, but it’s not always doable.

What good points does he bring to the party?

I agree with this. OP’s DH is a pretty poor parent but he is being enabled by OP who honestly seems a bit overly attached to her DC. Obviously I’ll be flamed for saying this but that’s the message I get when I read OP saying she doesn’t really enjoy going out as she misses her kids so much. I miss my DC if I’m away from them for an extended period of time (days) but a few hours in the evening? Nope.

OP, you seem to offer up a problem to almost every proposed solution here. It’s been suggested multiple times that you go away for a night or two to allow DH to just crack on with it. Ignore the silly messages from him about the DC crying when you go out. Just switch your phone off. Place at least one child in pre-school to give yourself a bit of a break. You don’t seem willing to take any of this on board and I suspect it’s because you don’t want to relinquish the parenting model you follow which is absolutely fine. But if you are unwilling to make changes and take the steps necessary to make your DH step up as a parent…I’m confused as to why you posted in the first place.