To feel annoyed when my husband goes for a drink after work (SAHM)

[moussse]

I feel like I am being unreasonable? But are there any other SAHMs who feel this way?

For context, I’m a SAHM, but I wouldn’t say my DH is fully “financing” my lifestyle. We live in a house I own outright (no mortgage), and I cover my personal expenses, like clothes, makeup, and lunches with friends, using my own savings. DH pays for the joint stuff ie bills, groceries, children's clothes, dining out as a couple or family etc.

Here’s the issue: after work, my DH often goes for a beer or two with colleagues or friends. His workday ends around 5 pm, but he usually doesn’t get home until closer to 7 pm because of these outings (it’s about a 30-minute commute). This really frustrates me because I feel he could and should use that time to see our children or help out at home.

We have two kids, aged 1 and 4, who are with me all day, we don’t send them to nursery (my choice, though DH is fine if I wanted to). While DH is helpful when he’s home: he tidies up and cleans after dinner, he doesn’t take the initiative on things like laundry unless I specifically ask, even on weekends. For the most part, I’m the default parent, which I expected and wanted, but it can still be exhausting.

I don’t go out with my friends often, partly because DH struggles with both kids on his own, partly because the kids prefer me to him when I’m away, and partly because I just miss them if I’m out too much.

Am I unreasonable for being annoyed about the pub nights?

I agree with @Comedycook - I’m at SAHM though for 4 yrs rather than to teenage and I’m also pretty easy going about DH going out / doing whatever, generally, he would like to do. This was the same when I was “working” also.

BUT I do think that 4 times a week is taking the piss. I can’t really imagine who would say it is reasonable.

What works for us is that we both are able to socialise wherever generally we want to but it’s agreed in a respectful way and generally planned in advance so if DH is out, I can plan accordingly for the day/ evening.

I’d say it’s important for your DH to be home after work for so he can lead on bath/ bed and then when you’re out, it’s really not an issue as everyone is used to him doing that.

Ensure there’s a strong routine in place so he can follow this.

Really - he needs to be stepping up.

An aside - but why are you using your savings to fund your clothing etc? You’re married so it’s family money. Can you agree on an amount for a joint account for bills then both have the same into a personal account for - well, whatever you want it to be for!!

he'll spend the whole night messaging me "how's dinner going? DC1 won't either their food and DC2 has been crying for 2hrs straight" or I come home and they're both square eyed in front of the TV whilst he's on his phone "I couldn't get them to calm down any other way".

Put your phone off or on silent, he needs to learn to deal with the children. I wouldn’t be putting up with this, they’re his children and he’s just as capable as parenting as you are, he’s just lazy. As for 4 nights in the pub absolutely no way, people must be leaving a hell of a lot at his work. A frank conversation is needed, he’s become used to relying on you to look after the children, you need to change this now otherwise you’re setting yourself up for a life of being a doormat to him.

I think you need to get into a routine of him having the children at some point every weekend and take the tv remote with you. Leave the house, let him do it all with no support which is what he does for you. The more time he spends with them on an evening and the weekend the more he will get to know them, understand them and build a better relationship with them. I would be pointing out how little time he actually spends with his children and how many hours he is out the house expecting you to do it all.

I think going out after work once or twice at most a week is okay but he is deliberately ducking out of the hardest part of the day which is the whole dinner, bath and bed and honestly with two of you there and two of them you could divide and conquer. I say this as a long term sahm with a 3 year age gap between my children.

That’s nice. Should she rush home to get to the nursery pickup afterwards too? Or is she allowed to go out for a drink after work? Oh, it almost seems as if her not working isn’t the actual issue 🤔 You weren’t just trying to put the boot in by any chance were you?

4 times a week seems like a lot. However I can see why he might want to do that as it sounds like your life is 100% focused on the children. You don't seem to want to go out or do things for yourself but you are then critical of his parenting when he does look after them. Just because he does it differently doesn't mean it is wrong.

The sad thing with these men is how little they want to see their children. DH was a SAHD when ours was little and I had a pretty full on job. I was desperate to see DS by the end of my working day.

He’s lazy because he knows you’ll pick up his slack.

It’s really hard. My ex was like this, seemed incapable of doing anything or planning in travel time or anything that was on a child-friendly wavelength. And you don’t want the kids to suffer so you suck it up and pick up that slack. But he is playing you. So you have to choose. Either he learns with you in the background- go away for a whole weekend, Friday to Monday, so he deals with the child consequences of his poor choices around bedtime, and then be unavailable once or twice a week, every week. Or you leave him and he learns without you in the background (or never learns and doesn’t see them). Or you suck it up. Only you know if this is something you can live with, but I do feel for you and I know how hard those choices are.

Honestly this op. You sound really difficult and a martyr. Why on earth isn't your 4yo in nursery yet? No wonder you find it hard, you want them home yet complain it's hard.
Then you won't go out because you miss them too much. You are the one setting everyone up to fail because you want to control the situation.

I know it's not the point of the thread but I think it's outrageous that you've covered the entire housing costs for him so he has plenty of cash to spend on drinks but you have to dip into savings on the few occasions you go out. I'd be tempted to charge him enough rent to cover your personal costs.

Give over. She doesn’t sound in the least bit difficult. She’s saying how she would like her husband to get home on time after work a few times a week.

I would talk to him about what good parenting looks like ans whether he sees an issue with just sticking them in front of the tv. If he does, how can you help him be better? if he doesn’t… well, Fundamentally, he’s their parent too so you can’t dictate how he parents them, although I can appreciate how frustrating it is. Honestly, I couldn’t be with someone who was a lazy feckless father with no aspiration to be a good dad.

And husband

I think you’ve made the rod for your own back here.

4 seems a lot but does his job require socialising/being part of the drinks crew to advance? What sort of industry is it?

@AlertCat
And you don’t want the kids to suffer so you suck it up and pick up that slack

This is 100% true. So so on point.
For me , it's like every time I want to go out I just think of the overtired children I'll get back to, that they'll spend hours in front of the TV (nothing against a bit of screen time, I do it too, but not for 3hrs straight and not just so that I could lay on the other sofa scrolling on my phone).

Me and my DP agreed, jointly, that one of us would give up work so our kids didn’t have to spend loads of time in nursery when they are very young. I work, he doesn’t. He’s not a martyr or controlling but there’s no way I’d let him do dinner and bed time 4 days a week on his own when I could be helping him.

@Icanttakethisanymore he says it's not an issue because the rest of the time they don't watch much tv and it's "the quickest way to calm them down". When I suggest perhaps baking a cake with our 4yo, dressing up and dancing / having a disco, singing songs, he'll just say "oh I'm not good at those things" or "they won't want to do it with me, they'll just want mummy"

In fairness, if he ever suggests they brush teeth with him or he wants to put them into the bath or change a nappy, there is a lot of screaming "mummy mummy mummy" "I don't want you, I want mummy"

@lionloaf he's in finance

Yes, this is the problem. Life was much easier for me when I left him. (Not just for this reason, but it wasn’t a small factor.)

It’s why you have to go away for several days, so he can’t hide from the consequences of his choices.

Ah to be fair to him I think that is part and parcel to be honest.

Maybe he could limit to 3 nights a week max? Or work from home now and then?

That is hard for you though is there anything else you can do to make your life easier without relying on him?

It sounds like he's not really present with the kids when he's home. If he was hands on playing with them and putting them to bed etc, him staying out an extra couple of hours after work would probably feel less annoying.

Do you have any friends or relatives who are hands on Dads that you could send him with on a day out with the kids? Thinking it would give you a break and might make him think there's more to being a parent than sticking them in front of Peppa.

You’ve got a stereotypical outmoded dynamic he works, you resent it. You’re the mummy martyr he’s Mr finance

Get a job, get some childcare. Clearly current set up make you unhappy

But surely you don’t want them to be baking a cake or having a disco / dancing or whatever after tea anyway before supper, bath and bed ? a bit of quiet time / chilling with cbeebies is fine…. Not for 3 hrs but a bit is ok at the end of the day

re calling for you, well they will as they’re used to you doing it! You both just need to tell them that daddy is doing it tonight and that’s that! Let him get on with it/ don’t give them too much power / control.

You need to remember that you both are in control of the situation - don’t be dictated to!

This sounds more like you are just different kinds of parent. Not everyone feels comfortable “playing” (I know I don’t!) especially if they are second in command. A bit of TV never killed anyone and done is better than perfect.

You need time to relax and see your friends and part of that will be accepting things won’t be done as you’d like them to be in your absence. Being a stay at home parent isn’t for everyone, and you’re obviously a brilliant one, so I think you need to lower your expectations for your husband - he probably isn’t going to do as good a job as you would, but if everyone is fed, watered and put to bed reasonably on time then hey ho!

1. He needs to keep going through the "mummy mummy". DP had to do that (and still occasionally does with our youngest). But he needs to be able to put them to bed. If it's hard because they want you, then he needs to do it more rather than less.
2. When you come back from your night out and they're still up, you need to not step in. He needs to get them to bed. If he's let them stay up watching TV then that needs to be his problem, not yours.
3. 3 or 4 times a week is taking the piss, but if he's doing that then he needs to put at least one to bed any night he's home. Because that would be half the nights.

I honestly don’t know how you let him get away with going for drinks 3-4 times a week every week.

Why did you even let that happen? And yes you tell him no.

Id my husband thought it was acceptable to go out drinking 3-4 nights a week while I’m home with the kids then he wouldn’t be my husband.