To feel annoyed when my husband goes for a drink after work (SAHM)

[moussse]

I feel like I am being unreasonable? But are there any other SAHMs who feel this way?

For context, I’m a SAHM, but I wouldn’t say my DH is fully “financing” my lifestyle. We live in a house I own outright (no mortgage), and I cover my personal expenses, like clothes, makeup, and lunches with friends, using my own savings. DH pays for the joint stuff ie bills, groceries, children's clothes, dining out as a couple or family etc.

Here’s the issue: after work, my DH often goes for a beer or two with colleagues or friends. His workday ends around 5 pm, but he usually doesn’t get home until closer to 7 pm because of these outings (it’s about a 30-minute commute). This really frustrates me because I feel he could and should use that time to see our children or help out at home.

We have two kids, aged 1 and 4, who are with me all day, we don’t send them to nursery (my choice, though DH is fine if I wanted to). While DH is helpful when he’s home: he tidies up and cleans after dinner, he doesn’t take the initiative on things like laundry unless I specifically ask, even on weekends. For the most part, I’m the default parent, which I expected and wanted, but it can still be exhausting.

I don’t go out with my friends often, partly because DH struggles with both kids on his own, partly because the kids prefer me to him when I’m away, and partly because I just miss them if I’m out too much.

Am I unreasonable for being annoyed about the pub nights?

@Gcsunnyside23
At the weekends he "helps" but the childcare is mainly on me. He doesn't tend to go out much at weekend but if we both have plans or things to do, it will be me taking the kids. For example if I need to buy some shoes at the weekend it's assumed I would take the children (or at least 1 child) and we would make an outing out of it, pop into the toy section, get babycinno. If he needs to get some shoes at the weekend, it's assumed I'd take the kids so they don't get in the way, knock everything off the shelves, run away.
If I try to go out by myself (for example brunch) I'll still get the "when are you back?" "They don't want lunch" "they're crying" messages. If he's out (let's say brunch too) he could easily message and say "I'll be back in a bit, remembered I need to find a new coat"

@moussse With every post he sounds less and less appealing. I presume the main point of these drinks with the boys is to actually avoid being at home and taking any part in caring for his DC.

What does he actually bring to your life?

You are complaining about being a housewife and the tasks all fall to you
if you assign him role of wage earner and you the sahm there’s always power imbalance
He’s inevitably going to say after work drink is work,it’s an extension,it’s inevitable
You have limited leverage as you’re dependent on him
Lose the dependence, get a job.

He goes out too much. You don’t go out enough.

If he has a normal Monday to Friday job, start going out on Fridays. Doesn’t matter how much screaming or TV watching there is - the next day is Saturday. If everyone has a bad night, it doesn’t matter.

Let him fail. As long as your kids are safe and loved, it’s not a problem if there are ‘mummy, mummy, mummy’ tantrums. And if you consistently go out on a Friday, a routine will build. And he’ll get more practice.

You may hate screen time but you’re not the only parent. He is allowed to want to do activities with them that you feel are a cop out. You can do different things with them when it’s your turn to look after time by yourself.

You both need one night to yourself a week, so you don’t burn out, you retain an identity outside of being a mum, and he learns how to look after his own kids. Currently, he has his own identity as everyone’s drinking buddy. He needs to work on the dad part. You both have opposite issues to resolve.

And when it’s not his night or your night, but a joint night, he needs to jointly pitch in. Maybe the kids like you more now. Maybe you’re better at everything. But rather than you doing everything brilliantly, it’s better for him to do some things fairly averagely.

Four times a week is too much, so YANBU there. But it does sound like you are being a martyr. Why on Earth do you usually go out 5-7 (and actually yes I do think that time is too late to be baking a cake with kids that age! I’d defo just do tv bath books and bed with mine during that time of mine were out). Ok so your partner isn’t putting them to bed - stay out later! Force it. They surely can’t stay awake all evening, especially not the 1 year old. You have to force them all to get used to being there without you and yes it will look different to how you do things but that’s not the end of the world. I have kids the same age and they are both complete mummy’s boys but I go out twice a week and I’m a much better mum for it!

@Everydayimhuffling "assumption of freedom" problem absolutely nails it!
It's like he knows I'm with the kids and I'll look after them, and he comes home whenever he feels like it. A bit like an older sibling, if I had a teenager, along with my actual 2 DCs - no problem with texting mum "I'm just going to the cinema with my schoolmate, be back late dw" because in that scenario I'd literally be their mum not a partner and they aren't obliged to raise the younger kids.

I agree what does he bring

it is!t financial for a man who works he pays very lottle

it isn’t childcare
it isn’t chores
it isn’t respect
it doesn’t sound like love

whst does he bring as a father
it isn’t time or energy

what does he actually do

and why do you finance all that you do - because the way you phrase it and using your savings sounds like something he has said

@turkeymuffin he's the only sibling that has children.

His dad was very involved! Very much 50/50 with his mum but he often says his family setup is odd, his parents very different to him, they're far less ambitious (had low income jobs), less sociable than him, dad was home every day straight after his work finished as was mum.

Yeah this. ^ @moussse I'm sorry you're going through this. He sounds bloomin' useless. A mediocre husband and a mediocre father. Maybe you should try going out as often as him!

Yabu in that you dont seem to have a life of your own that isn't centred round chores and children. You need to be at work meeting other adults. IMHO. That's why you are resentful of your husband meeting friends after work.

Do you ever split the kids up?? He does something with child 1 eg swimming, while you look after child 2?
Or is it always both children together?
People are suggesting you get a job because you are using up your savings on everyday items and if your husband has an affair you will be lacking options. Husband will be entitled to half the house even if you paid for it originally.

@Zone2NorthLondon I am not dependent on him financially and have the passive income which allows me to a) not work, b) never depend on him

Way to bash every stay at home mum! You talk as if any woman who chooses to be with her children - and not go out to a paid job - has no life.

.

The work thing isn’t the issue. If the OP got a job she would just be on triple shift of paid work, domestic work, and childcare. Her H doesn’t see anything other than his paid job as anything to do with him, he just wants to go to work and have his family life and no household chores to mess up his time outside work. That’s the problem, and it won’t change no matter what work OP does.

And so I ask again, what does he actually bring to your life? What is the point of him?

Ok no financial dependence So still get something beyond of the domains of sahm mummy martyr
Really

What happens when your savings run out? What is the plan? Or are you spending put of interest on large investments?

He needs to be in charge more not less
But sounds like he ain't that bothered about his kids

What happens if you divorce now or in future? What do you live off

DH struggles with both kids on his own, partly because the kids prefer me to him when I’m away, and partly because I just miss them if I’m out too much.

I read this time and time again. It makes me so frustrated. These two situations are directly related. Let him be a dad. You should be able to go away for a weekend, and know that the kids and he would cope fine.

He is also a dickhead for drinking so often after work.

I'd be divorcing him tbh
the kids may grow to resent him I have friends with similar dads and they don't speak because no relationship was built.

Did he want kids?

Three to four times a week is excessive IMO. Once a week would be reasonable. Becoming a parent changes your social life, you just can’t go out as often.

Put them in nursery a couple of days a week. You and the kids will both benefit. He spends the same money in the pub.

If he goes out for an hour - you take an hour. Whether is going for a swim or whatever doesn’t matter. Just get out of the house and away from the kids. No wonder you are resentful. Also don’t be the expert - he has to
learn how to look after the kids. As long as they are not in danger - they’ll be fine. He will soon realise its in his own interest to get them to bed on time

We have 3 young DC. DH works full time and I’m currently on mat leave.

When I go out in the evening, I often go out later (7:30-8pm) so that we can both get the DC down to bed first. My DH will usually come home from work, help with dinner and bedtime, before going out again if he wants to do something. We are both capable of getting the DC to bed on our own, but we try to avoid the other person being solely responsible for it.

Not ideal for you (your DH should be capable of putting his own children to bed for goodness sake!) but could that work? You getting the DC down and then going out for an evening? That could avoid the annoying messages and guilt tripping from your DH. I imagine bedtime will get easier as the DC get older, you’re right in the thick of it at the moment, like me!

Did he want to have kids? What did he expect it to be like?

I think OP might be one of those mums who doesn’t really want anyone to look after her kids but her. I wonder if she criticises her husband constantly re his parenting style.

Having said that, I still think he is the dickhead.