How do I tell him?

[Shelvy123]

Hi!
My mother’s 70th birthday is in February and my sister has booked a house for my parents, our two siblings and our 5 kids. She done so as a surprise for us all, without telling us.

I've just recently had a little boy, which she has included in the head count but she hasn’t included my husband or our brothers wife.

how do I tell my husband he isn’t invited? I’m always invited to his family parties/vacations and I know he’ll be hurt if I say he isn’t able to come as he gets on so well with everyone…

She knows money is a little tight right now due to having the baby so I’m unable to contribute. I didn’t even know she was thinking of booking it otherwise I would’ve spoke to her about it.

i don’t want to not go and miss my moms birthday. On the other hand, I don’t want to go without my husband as I know he will really want to come.

I really don’t know what to do. Please help?

Ask your mother why he's not invited..

Go from there.

You can't contribute to the cost, perhaps they are trying to keep coat down and can't afford a bigger house

Can you check with your sister why he's not invited

Thanks for replying. I don’t want to ruin the surprise either. I hate confrontation and am very much introverted

So none of the partners have been invited?

Speak to your sister. It is absolutely not okay for your partner to be treated less than family. I think you know this.

Then learn to be.

Are you certain she isn't expecting him? Surely you would be in the same bed so not affecting the size of the accommodation?
and honestly- i wouldn't go. If at all possible distance wise I'd say you can't make it for the night but will join them for dinner or something. Its really odd, if she'd asked you if you could make it a siblings only trip and him stay home with your baby it might make some sense, but inviting you and your child and not your dh is bizarre.

Ask the sister why he's not invited.

I did query, she said it was cheaper not having partners there. I completely understand but I just don’t know how to tell him

That is very odd, not inviting partners to a big family celebration. Has she invited her own partner, if she has one? Surely everyone can contribute towards the surprise. Your sister shouldn't be taking on such a big task and then exclude key family members, using 'budget' as an excuse.

It sounds like she can only afford Mum, your siblings, and grandkids. I would tell your husband that no partners are coming and, if he is really keen to celebrate her birthday, to organise a special meal at home or something.

What does your brother think?

How many beds is there? Could you just take air beds for parnters/ kids?

How long are we talking? A week's holiday? Not OK. A weekend? Doable if disappointing.
Overnight? Not really worth making an issue of.

Why are you making such an issue about how to tell your husband? Just explain what happened - your sister booked etc just like you have here?

You sound like you're afraid of him. Just tell him what you told us.

I bet he'll be delighted with a few days to himself.

You could say to your husband: 'Oh no, I can't believe what Jane has gone and done. She wanted to take Mum for a surprise family holiday but she can't afford a place big enough for all of us, so she's not inviting the partners, only the siblings and the kids. Can you believe it? I don't want to go without you, and x will be furious about y not being invited... What shall we do? Shall I just say I can't make it?' Hopefully he'll tell you to go, but if he's really upset you could celebrate with your mum when she gets back instead. People shouldn't book up other people's time without asking them first.

I think it was a bit of a shit move from your sister to be honest- let me guess, she’s the confident, somewhat domineering sibling that tends to always get their own way? ‘Booking a surprise’ is often code for ‘this is what I want to do so I’m booking it and you can’t do anything about it’. Spouses are as much part of the family and it’s really unkind not to factor them in. I’m sure your mum would want them there too?
I think in the circumstances I would just go for the day so that your husband can go too.

Open with the suggested approach from @SoNiceToComeHomeTo above.. and then give him a free pass for a cycling/fishing/golf weekend on his own.. you never know, he might prefer it..

I’m not afraid of him at all… I just know he’d want to be there to celebrate this milestone

Regardless of it's cheaper, it really isn't your sister's place to decide partners can't go. She must surely have realised how awkward this was going to be for her siblings? In the kindest sense, is she a bit stupid or something?

this surely, can not be true!

Why would you go @Shelvy123 with the five children but without your husband?

Outrageous to exclude 2 people out of 13. Is your sister single?

eta; realised on re-reading that not all the children are yours!

It's hard to believe that your sister booked this without any discussion beforehand, how would she know if you're able to come?

@Shelvy123 i call bullshit.

How’s it cheaper?

we regularly rent houses as a group of 11-13 folks.

we pay a set amount for the house - not per person.

So regardless of it being 1 person in a bed - or 2 - it changes nothing.

is there an issue with number of single/double beds?

the only added costs are food and travel really?

id expect my long term partner and father of my children to be invited.