How do I tell him?

[Shelvy123]

Hi!
My mother’s 70th birthday is in February and my sister has booked a house for my parents, our two siblings and our 5 kids. She done so as a surprise for us all, without telling us.

I've just recently had a little boy, which she has included in the head count but she hasn’t included my husband or our brothers wife.

how do I tell my husband he isn’t invited? I’m always invited to his family parties/vacations and I know he’ll be hurt if I say he isn’t able to come as he gets on so well with everyone…

She knows money is a little tight right now due to having the baby so I’m unable to contribute. I didn’t even know she was thinking of booking it otherwise I would’ve spoke to her about it.

i don’t want to not go and miss my moms birthday. On the other hand, I don’t want to go without my husband as I know he will really want to come.

I really don’t know what to do. Please help?

But therein lies the difference… OP’s husband gets on with his in-laws and according to OP would probably like to go. He is likely to feel left out.

Is looking after your own kids for a weekend genuinely considered a hardship now?

Say it's biological family only. You don't gave to be joined at the hip just because you're married.

I think it’s a bit weird you are so worried about telling him

do you never do anything separate?

really can’t understand the big deal if it just being immediate family

be diff if other partners were coming and yours left out

Just go without him, I wouldn't think twice about this, I'd find it so suffocating to be so joined at the hip with DH that I couldn't celebrate my own mum's birthday without him.

If that’s all your family can afford, and what your mum planned as a surprise for her birthday, that’s what you explain to your partner. You had nothing to do with it. There’s nothing wrong with getting together with immediate family.

But, having said that, I think your sister and mum should have discussed the break with you first, rather than telling you afterwards they’d decided (without your input) that partners weren’t included, for whatever reason.

You have a baby, so it may be difficult for you to enjoy the celebration without your partner to help share the child care.

I’d tell them next time, as you have a baby, you’d appreciate a discussion first.

I agree with this too! We don’t need to have our partners do everything together and being just her and her babies and grand babies will be lovely 🥰

What's interesting to me is that you feel no indignation at this rude exclusion of your husband.
I suppose you can start with, Honey, there's this really awkward situation with my sister...
However, personally, I think you shouldn't go. Look, 70 isn't old. Your mother will have other birthdays. Maybe you could even visit your mother beforehand and make it so delightful that it will steal the thunder from the actual event. If you go, you are giving permission to your sister to be similarly thoughtless and exclusionary in the future. I'd decline, and explain to your sister (and your mother) exactly why.

Depending on the outcome you want :
tell DH

• its immediate family- you, so DC stays home with you. I go alone, you can bond
• it’s immediate family only but I can’t leave DC at home. You have a w/e off to party

OR tell DSis: • how dare you arrange my family life without telling me, I can’t cope with DC alone, my DH comes or I cancel • how dare you arrange my family life without telling me, we have plans that w/e and none of us can come

If you go, DSis either pays for DH or you do, depending on finance.
You can have the outcome you want here as it’s ridiculous to think you can just take someone’s life over and commit them to things. Your DSis has some maturing to do

For some, yes. I have arthritis in my hands, knees, elbows, neck and back, so whilst emotionally I am perfectly fine to look after my daughter without question, I do need help otherwise I end up in a situation where I can’t get out of bed.

Well I appreciate that @ThisIcyHare, but OP has said nothing to suggest that she’s in a similar position.

Even if he gets on with them & would like to go that's not a reason to invite him is it?

Maybe the Mum would like just her kids & GCs there.

So you’d be totally happy to be dictated to by a wealthier sibling in all matters because that sibling has more money than you? Where does it stop?

Imagine if a prospective MIL said “I’ve decided that I’m paying for the wedding so you don’t get any choices in venue or the guest list?” Would that be ok too?

Any decent person would have included the siblings in the initial planning discussion and not used their wealth to bulldoze through their own agenda to make themselves look good.

Oh fgs, what a drama your making out of this.

My sister and I organised a surprise family party for my mum’s 60th birthday many years ago. As there’s a 20yr age difference between us and I was an older teen at the time, my sister paid for it and did most of the work in organising it and the two male siblings were happy to leave it to her as they both lived some distance away. They did contribute towards the cost from what I recall.

However, she happily included me in the planning and I offered to do various jobs that were within my capability and I also made sure that mum had her hair done and wore a nice outfit as she initially thought we were just going for a meal to the local pub.

My sister could easily have taken all the glory for organising it but she’s not that type of person. 🥰

You need to tell your sister you’ll be booking your own accommodation and you’ll join for the celebrations.

I’m not sure why you would even consider leaving your husband behind. He’s part of your family. He’s not your boyfriend. He’s your husband. Your sister sounds like a stupid B.

This. Are you siblings sharing bedrooms or something? Otherwise, surely it's the same number of rooms...

A few people have said about booking cost not changing if you’re sharing a room/double bed. You could find this out yourself independently, quite easily.

Get the name of the house that’s booked. Find where to book it (ie, booking.com or a direct website. Easily done by googling) and do a mock booking for the same length of time. One with partners included and without, compare costs of both. Alternatively call (if there’s a number) and ask if the booking cost changes depending on number of heads. If you find there is one set cost per night to have the house, like with air b&b, you simply tell your sister you’ve checked and DP’s can all attend if they wish. If she is upset you did this over and above her, there’s a deeper issue.

However if it does come back as more expensive with all the DP included then I think it’s fair enough she didn’t pay for them.

Your sister is an idiot for booking this without including your husband. Wether she likes it or not, your husband IS her family now and booking something and saying bio family only is weird.
I would be booking my own accommodation with my husband near by or simply bringing an air mattress to sleep on with him.
Assuming you will have your own room with a single or double bed in it? It’s only cheaper if she’s expecting you to share with other children

As PP said, I feel there's a massive backstory here. OP, you're allowed to say "thanks, but I'm not coming without my DH." And leave it at that.

Imagine if a prospective MIL said “I’ve decided that I’m paying for the wedding so you don’t get any choices in venue or the guest list?” Would that be ok too?

Ridiculous comparison. This is nothing like a wedding! OP’s sister is treating her, her siblings and her parents - so she gets to decide who she’s treating.

I’m not sure why you would even consider leaving your husband behind. He’s part of your family. He’s not your boyfriend. He’s your husband. Your sister sounds like a stupid B.

He’s also not her conjoined twin.

How weird?! Who does that?!!!

such odd manners, surely no one books things for a family and decides they can’t afford one of the people to go? This is so strange.

@Nc546888 no partners are invited, so DH hasn't been singled out.

Does sound as if it must be a small accommodation if can't fit partners too, so assuming children all bunking in together (apart from baby) and possibly some of the adults too

I can’t imagine my husband being devastated not to be included in my mum’s surprise 70th birthday celebration.