How do I tell him?

[Shelvy123]

Hi!
My mother’s 70th birthday is in February and my sister has booked a house for my parents, our two siblings and our 5 kids. She done so as a surprise for us all, without telling us.

I've just recently had a little boy, which she has included in the head count but she hasn’t included my husband or our brothers wife.

how do I tell my husband he isn’t invited? I’m always invited to his family parties/vacations and I know he’ll be hurt if I say he isn’t able to come as he gets on so well with everyone…

She knows money is a little tight right now due to having the baby so I’m unable to contribute. I didn’t even know she was thinking of booking it otherwise I would’ve spoke to her about it.

i don’t want to not go and miss my moms birthday. On the other hand, I don’t want to go without my husband as I know he will really want to come.

I really don’t know what to do. Please help?

It's all of you or none of you imo. If she can't afford it then she shouldn't be doing it or should be asking everyone to chip in.

How many rooms are in the cottage? I can imagine you'd have a room with a double bed. Then Baby in travel cot?

Maybe play dumb and your DH shows up with you?

That's really different though isn't it? That was just you and your mum. Totally normal to book things for just a couple of people and exclude all others. Not normal to book a large family event and just exclude two people from it.

Meanwhile there's a guy posting:

My mil is 70 and she's having a weekend away but thankfully I'm not invited. Bil and I are gonna go to Latvia or wherever. Aibu??

Regardless of it's cheaper, it really isn't your sister's place to decide partners can't go.

It is if she's paying.

Yeah, agree with this. That would be different.

I'd be delighted not to be invited. If I were invited I think I'd find that sorry, I've got something on that weekend/ week/ month.

I think it’s odd that your DH isn’t t invited. You are your own family unit now. I’d be hurt, too if I was your DH. How long is the break for? It also won’t be much of a break for you managing the kids/baby alone without DH’s help. Can you decline?

It wouldn't bother me at all. My husband's family aren't my family.

I can't stand my husband's brother. I'd be very happy not to be invited to anything he's at.

So only two siblings have partners? What does the other one think about this? How is there not room - are you all bunking in with each other?

Ask your sister how she thinks her mother is going to feel when your partner is not included in her birthday?

If my son in law or any future partners of my DC were not included I would be very unhappy, they are/will be part of my life and I would want them at any celebration

It's only "large" because there are 4 siblings.

Why is it OK to exclude a partner if it's one adult child and their parent, but not OK if it's several adult children and their parent?

Why does your sister get to make all the decisions without any consultation?

I wouldn’t accept that.

Because she's organising it and paying for it as a nice thing for her mum's birthday.

OP can't really go throwing her weight around if she's not got the money to offer to pay the difference to include her partner.

Because it is a large group already.
It would perfectly fine if OPs sister had just booked something for her and her mum to do together. But she's invited everyone bar two people.. to an event that was already a large group.. not just the siblings but their kids as well.. not just her mum but both her parents.. not just one sibling but all the siblings... it's not just girls coz the dad is there and the male children..
I think you are just pretending not to see the big difference here.
It's like booking a birthday party for your child and inviting every child in the class apart from two of them.. unless there was some reason why you disliked these kids like they were bullies.. it would just be really odd and rude. And it would make the people not invited think "why not me?"
And in this instance you'd come to the conclusion that you weren't thought of as family... which to me is really sad.
I'd be offended.
And it wasn't discussed beforehand either so that an affordable alternative could've been suggested.
Just the sister decides to do this then just say.
I don't think that's good really is it?

Was she even given the opportunity to contribute or give her opinion on the arrangements?
Even if you are paying for and organising something yourself it's polite to actually consult people about it.. and also not to exclude people.

I think you're over worrying about this a little op. I'd be saying to him that your dsis has booked for your mum and siblings to stay over for her birthday and she's paying for it. I don't see why he should be annoyed about this as there's no reason why a mother can't celebrate with her children, it might be nice for you all to have that time together and if he's not in a position to pay his way then I don't think he can complain about not getting a free stay at your dsis expense.

If its not too far away could you suggest that you all go out for dinner and other halves come to that?

It would be different if the other other halves were invited and he was the only one excluded but that's not what's happened here.

I think we'll have to agree to disagree, because I don't see an issue with it just being the immediate blood relation family.

Is there a cheap travel lodge or similar nearby that he could stay at, so he could still be part of the celebrations?

Me either. I think it's a nice thing to do for her mother.

I don't either.

Your sister has booked and paid for it without your knowledge so now she controls who goes….she’s being very manipulative OP. I’d tell her your DH is going with you and your DC and you’ll book elsewhere. YANBU at all.

I expect you’re more embarrassed at having to tell him he’s not invited, I know I would be! That’s really out of order on your sister’s part. What do your brother and his wife think?

She’s organised and paid for it without consulting OP, I think….who does that?

Not if she’s just gone and organised it without consulting anyone. It’s really sneaky and controlling. I suspect if it was the DH’s sister who’d done this and left OP out everyone would say it’s wrong. There is nothing wrong with family spending time together but it’s really not up to the sister to dictate this…..she’s paid so she’s in a powerful position, not on.