How do I tell him?

[Shelvy123]

Hi!
My mother’s 70th birthday is in February and my sister has booked a house for my parents, our two siblings and our 5 kids. She done so as a surprise for us all, without telling us.

I've just recently had a little boy, which she has included in the head count but she hasn’t included my husband or our brothers wife.

how do I tell my husband he isn’t invited? I’m always invited to his family parties/vacations and I know he’ll be hurt if I say he isn’t able to come as he gets on so well with everyone…

She knows money is a little tight right now due to having the baby so I’m unable to contribute. I didn’t even know she was thinking of booking it otherwise I would’ve spoke to her about it.

i don’t want to not go and miss my moms birthday. On the other hand, I don’t want to go without my husband as I know he will really want to come.

I really don’t know what to do. Please help?

Of course lone parents manage. But that’s not the point is it? OP isn’t a lone parent. She might want the support of her husband who is available. Lone parents don’t have that choice. Instead her sister has decided that OP’s partner (and therefore her help/support) isn’t welcome. OP isn’t creating unnecessary drama, her sister is.

You all in single beds in double occupancy rooms or sharing a double with your sister/brother/mum? X

I've just recently had a little boy, which she has included in the head count but she hasn’t included my husband or our brothers wife.

What does your brother say? And is your sister married, is her partner going?

I can't believe that it will save any money by leaving out two people, there may be a limit on the number of people who can stay, but it seems very odd to organise a big family celebration and leave out two family members.

Apologies I picked up the split of the kids wrong. Everything else stands though.. Replace the 3 with 1!

I don't understand how it's cheaper either? Is it single beds in a dorm or something? Coz if it's a double bed anyway then what's the difference?
I'd honestly not go. And I'd be pretty pissed off if I wasn't invited to any family event that my husband was.
It would have been more polite to invite no of you.. or maybe just you without children and husband, if they also only invited other siblings without partners and children... but this exclusion of your husband but literally no one else, is really hurtful.

Just say "sorry love, partners aren't invited - it's not just you, it's brother's wife too".

You're not joined at the hip, and he's got plenty of time to think about what he wants to do while you're away.

You can still have boundaries and standards for how people should treat you and yours as an introvert. I’ll bet that house could be cancelled and one of an appropriate size booked instead.

I always thought if you paid for a 'house' it was the same price however many people went so I'm not sure how it would be cheaper? (Maybe I'm wrong).

@Shelvy123 I take it dsis does not have a partner at this time????

I don’t think I’d be annoyed with my sister but more put out that she hadn’t communicated it. If partners aren’t invited then he gets a week without children so may be pleased. Plus as you are not paying I think it’s probably fair to keep costs down, presuming you’re sharing a room with children etc.

It isn't. Her brother's wife isn't invited either.

Then you can't afford to do what you are attempting to do! If you are going to hold a big family event it's absolutely not acceptable to just exclude two members of the family due to cost. Do something smaller so you can include them. Or do something with only a few people.. certainly do not inviye all the family bar two members... thats so rude and hurtful to those people!!

I can't get my head round anyone booking something like this. I actually think your sister is quite spiteful.

It's rude and bizarre though.
If I couldn't afford to include all the family in something I wanted to book I simply would not book it. Or I'd scale it back and have it just me and the parents. Or just siblings and parents without the grandchildren.. but it's so rude to invite absolutely everyone but exclude two people. It's like a blatant sign you think of them as not really family.. even though they legally are your family. How offensive. Money is no reason to treat people like that. You don't get to be so rude just because you are paying. Given that she didn't even ask anyone before she did this as well.. perhaps there could have been some kind of compromise?
It just seems completely ignorant.

Wow, don't tell him he's not invited, what an awful thing to do. Tell your sister you come as a family or not at all, do something else with your mum for her birthday. Excluding partners is not ok.

OK so two people out of the whole group then.. who would probably be sharing beds with people invited anyway..
Still seems really rude. Like deciding they aren't proper family. And the fact she didn't ask before booking it.
It's pretty shit isn't it. Even if she is paying.

I don't agree, I think it's fine for it to just be the kids and the grandkids. If some partners were invited and not others, that would be rude and hurtful.

What is the bedroom situation? Will it even make a difference or does she just not want partners there? Is she single? I think it’s bizarre to exclude 2 people in such a big group unless she is expecting the adult siblings to share a room.

It’s a bit weird as surely you’d be sharing a double bed/room anyway so wouldn’t make a difference to the size of house? Unless you’re bunking in with your siblings 😆

If this arrangement does not suit you, tell her so. You don't have to go if you don't want to.

Will you be sharing with your sister? If you have your own room with a double bed I don't see how it matters but maybe she's booked a house with only enough rooms so the 4 adults siblings and mum share rooms or maybe you are in a single with room for a travel cot.
I don't think my DH would be bothered if we weren't contributing. Given she's paying I don't think you can expect extra bedrooms so partners can be included. Eg I took my mum on a spa break for her birthday, not really my dad's thing, so i booked us a twin room. DH didn't ask why he wasn't invited. It was nice to spend time just as mother and daughter.

Just tell him . You haven’t booked it , you aren’t excluding him. It’s not just your husband who isn’t invited , it’s your brothers wife too . So , clearly it’s just immediate family .

What's happening with beds? Are you in bunkbeds with your sister?

1. Ask your sister why he isn't invited
2. Tell your husband why he hasn't been invited
3. Husband manages his emotions and accepts that you cannot control what your sister does

He can be disappointed. He can want to come. He can feel hurt, you don't have to protect him from these things.

But it's just two people...
Are you really saying you wouldn't find it hurtful if it were you who were the spouse who had been excluded? You wouldn't feel like you weren't considered part of the family?
I'd be massively fucked off if my DHs brother booked a family event and invited my DH and the kids but not me!!