How do I tell him?

[Shelvy123]

Hi!
My mother’s 70th birthday is in February and my sister has booked a house for my parents, our two siblings and our 5 kids. She done so as a surprise for us all, without telling us.

I've just recently had a little boy, which she has included in the head count but she hasn’t included my husband or our brothers wife.

how do I tell my husband he isn’t invited? I’m always invited to his family parties/vacations and I know he’ll be hurt if I say he isn’t able to come as he gets on so well with everyone…

She knows money is a little tight right now due to having the baby so I’m unable to contribute. I didn’t even know she was thinking of booking it otherwise I would’ve spoke to her about it.

i don’t want to not go and miss my moms birthday. On the other hand, I don’t want to go without my husband as I know he will really want to come.

I really don’t know what to do. Please help?

This is my view. I just don't see the big deal.

To everyone saying that their partners/husbands wouldn’t mind, that their partners/husbands wouldn’t want to go, and that they don’t see the issue or why it’s a big deal…

”I know he’ll be hurt if I say he isn’t able to come as he gets on so well with everyone…”

This is the issue ☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻

But why would he be hurt?

Just wanting to do something with kids & GC for once is no reflection on anyone else is it?

And?

Sometimes we don't get what we want.

He needs to accept that it's not meant as a slight like an adult.

Well sometimes in life we get disappointed. Not everyone is going to rearrange their plans just to avoid someone being a bit miffed. If you’re old enough to be married with children, you’re old enough to understand this.

I disagree, it's an entirely relevant point, why on earth would she need "support" when having a brief holiday with her own children and family!
Also, the drama is being created by her response to the invitation rather than the invitation itself.

The above was to @1HappyTraveller (the quote function failed)

What will your parents think about this, OP? Will they be happy with the arrangement or not?

OP and her partner are parents together. Looking after a small child is the responsibility of both parents. Going away without the other parent is obviously a done thing but that also very obviously means more work for her. OP hasn’t been asked, she has been told that the support isn’t there. Said child will still only be a few months old, no idea if said child will be sleeping through the night, going through a regression, teething or what. We have no idea how the OP is currently managing. All we know is that many parents of small children would rather have their partners help, because otherwise OP is going to end up doing all of the parenting. Who is to say others will be helping? So possibly not much of a holiday is it? 🤷‍♀️

Crikey, she'll be with her mum and dad and 3 siblings - how much support does she need?!

Mum, dad and 2 siblings not 3.
Who is to say her family are going to help with anything? 🤷‍♀️
And as per everything I’ve written above… we don’t know now much support she will need. Some need lots, others need minimal. But regardless her sister has made it so that her partner (and parent of her child!) isn’t there, thereby removing that support.

Sister plus their two siblings in the op.

I think you're being a bit ridiculous.

It's a family do, she'll have loads of support.

Okay so I read it wrong 3 siblings.

But I think you’re being a bit ridiculous in assuming others will necessarily provide the help that the OP might need. Is it that difficult to consider that other parents (possibly including the OP) might need more support than you are stipulating? That’s my point.

Won’t your mum and dad enjoy just having their ‘descendants’ for want of a better word to celebrate her birthday?

For a significant birthday, there can be other events that can include the wider family.

Nowhere did OP say that she wanted him there for his support.

From what she's actually posted, her concern is that he will be sad about missing out. That's it. Everything else is other people's justifications and speculations.

So yes, I think it's ridiculous to say he's needed as extra support. There are going to be 6 adults to 5 children and there doesn't appear to be a backstory of the family being terrible or unsupportive people that she needs his help with - he wants to be there cos they're nice!

Exactly. All this speculation about the OP being unable to survive two whole days without her partner’s support, when she has her entire family around her, is ridiculous. Countless single parents live their entire lives with no additional support on hand, never mind a weekend!

Maybe you could even visit your mother beforehand and make it so delightful that it will steal the thunder from the actual event.

Or go to the event and spend the whole time moaning and deliberately disagreeing with her sister on everything. In fact do everything possible to ruin it. And sod her mother! It’s only her 70th birthday, right? What matters is getting one over on her sister.

Your sister is rude and mean! Had you been together 5 minutes then fair enough, but you and your brother are married, spouses absolutely should be included in family events. Personally I would talk to your Mum about it and say you and your husband take her somewhere for a weekend later in the year once baby is bigger

this has got a lot more traction than I thought it would get! I’d like to clarify a couple of points:

I am always invited to my Husbands family gatherings, no matter how big or small. I think it is important that he is invited to all my families gatherings too.

my sister had already booked it before discussing with anyone else, she just asked what we were doing between said dates. We would have been able to come up with money if we had known that she’d book a mini vacation.

I don’t need any support, I’m quite capable of watching my baby by myself…

I won’t be replying to any more comments. Some of y’all are wild! Anyway, thank you to everyone who has commented with advice

Well, I’m not part of the family. I’d be fine with not being invited. I think most people wouldn’t give it another thought if it’s a cost/space issue. Just tell him, OP. Don’t make a big deal of it.

Your husband will be over the moon a weekend to himself he probably suggested it to your sister

Is it not possible for your husband to pay so that he can be included? Seems strange to have a family celebration for your Mum but 2 family members are not included

Bit weird how they were included in the headcount anyway disrespectful I think

I hope it resolves, OP. Personally I'd be having a think about how my husband might feel if called up on to help with family events, get-togethers or even your parents in the future. You don't want repercussions within your own family. One idea would be to have a word with the brother whose wife isn't invited and see if you can rent somewhere nearby together, then have that as a standby.

I am always invited to my Husbands family gatherings, no matter how big or small. I think it is important that he is invited to all my families gatherings too.

You can’t force members of your family to do things a certain way just because your in-laws do.