Page 2 | How do I tell him?

Shelvy123 · 2024-12-11T20:27:47+00:00

Hi! My mother’s 70th birthday is in February and my sister has booked a house for my parents, our two siblings and our 5 kids. She done so as a surprise for us all, without telling us. I've just recently had a little boy, which she has included in the head count but she hasn’t included my husband or our brothers wife. how do I tell my husband he isn’t invited? I’m always invited to his family parties/vacations and I know he’ll be hurt if I say he isn’t able to come as he gets on so well with everyone… She knows money is a little tight right now due to having the baby so I’m unable to contribute. I didn’t even know she was thinking of booking it otherwise I would’ve spoke to her about it. i don’t want to not go and miss my moms birthday. On the other hand, I don’t want to go without my husband as I know he will really want to come. I really don’t know what to do. Please help?

Ilikemymenlikeilikemycoffee · 11/12/2024 21:11

Erm you offer to pay for him to come? He can’t be upset if he hasn’t contributed.

tolerable · 11/12/2024 21:21

as is "gift"b surprise from sister-that you had no hand in dh will surely see it that way-if welcome(by all)he can praps show face with bil?

elastamum · 11/12/2024 21:43

That's rubbish. I was not invited to a day out organised by my stepson and his girlfriend who were living in my house at the time. They invited my DH and didn't include me. I was really hurt and embarrassed. I didn't make a fuss, but it changed the way I thought of them.

neilyoungismyhero · 11/12/2024 21:50

Fiery30 · 11/12/2024 20:34

That is very odd, not inviting partners to a big family celebration. Has she invited her own partner, if she has one? Surely everyone can contribute towards the surprise. Your sister shouldn't be taking on such a big task and then exclude key family members, using 'budget' as an excuse.

The OP has already
said she is unable to contribute to the costs. It would be a bit rough if the other uninvited partner offered to pay his share thus making Op's husband the only one not going.

DowntonFlabbie · 16/12/2024 18:56

Curtainqueen · 11/12/2024 21:01

Regardless of it's cheaper, it really isn't your sister's place to decide partners can't go. She must surely have realised how awkward this was going to be for her siblings? In the kindest sense, is she a bit stupid or something?

Edited

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It is her place, if she paying for the whole thing! It's not ok to tell her she has to.pay more for them to attend.

OP has three choices; go without him, don't go at all, or pay for him.to come too.
Demand her sister pays even more money for him to go is not an option.

itsmylife7 · 16/12/2024 18:59

Endofyear · 11/12/2024 21:08

It's hard to believe that your sister booked this without any discussion beforehand, how would she know if you're able to come?

Yes, very good point.

DarnTooting · 16/12/2024 19:12

What's the betting she doesn't have children of her own? I'd be irritated at being forced to cope with a tiny baby (and potentially their siblings - OP doesn't say whose kids are whose) without a partner to help.

DarnTooting · 16/12/2024 19:13

And who needs to include a less than 6 month old in a headcount? They won't take a bed or a seat at the table!

Whattodo2024 · 16/12/2024 19:16

You should be thankful she’s booked something nice for your mum. It’s not about your husband and it’s not your sisters fault you can’t financially contribute.

Merrygoround8 · 16/12/2024 19:17

Is your sister single?

Are you going to be sharing a room with her?

If each sibling has their own (presumably double) room I don’t see how it’s cheaper and I would ask her to double check this.

if you’re sharing rooms then just say this to husband. As you can’t contribute, sister is kindly paying and allowing you to bunk in “her” room and take the kids too. You’ll do something else with partners another time.

pestoblush · 16/12/2024 19:17

This is strange but I can see you don’t want to cause aggro so I think I would say nothing but only go for the meal and then go home

ladydoe · 16/12/2024 19:21

You pay for the house not the number of people. I bet she’s single so you and your brother can’t have a partner there if she can’t.
tou know in your heart what to say and it’s what everyone would say without a second thought. If we can’t go as a family including my husband then none of us will go

Blueblell · 16/12/2024 19:25

I can understand an event where no partners are invited. However, I am not sure how it would be cheaper unless you are sharing rooms with your siblings. Maybe you should talk to your sister and say why don’t we invite all partners?

Jiski · 16/12/2024 19:25

Can’t he just bring a sleeping bag then? I can’t see why he can’t fit in somehow.

charlieinthehaystack · 16/12/2024 19:29

can you book an air bnb nearby might be easier with a baby too

tachetastic · 16/12/2024 19:33

ManhattanPopcorn · 11/12/2024 20:47

You sound like you're afraid of him. Just tell him what you told us.

I bet he'll be delighted with a few days to himself.

Precisely what sentence in OP's message suggested fear?

Don't project.

1HappyTraveller · 16/12/2024 19:33

Whilst I understand that the cost will be lower without partners this is something that your sister really should have discussed with you and your other sibling prior to booking. Now you are stuck in a challenging position where your partner is not invited even though he wants to be there and it would probably be helpful for you with a small child. Does your sister have a partner? Or is she single and has gone and booked this because it suits her better? She could have discussed it with you and you could have then gone away and assessed your financial situation to see if you AND your partner could attend. Personally I would see if there was any accommodation nearby that you could book and I’d be inclined to stay there with my partner and child. Whilst she has tried to do something nice I personally would value the help from my partner so that I could relax and enjoy myself a little more with the rest of my family. Her actions from the outside do seem a little selfish even though they may not be intended in that way.

WillowTit · 16/12/2024 19:33

that's ridiculous, do you have to pay per head? and anyway surely the baby is free

TooMuchRedMaybe · 16/12/2024 19:34

So the people going are your mother, her children and her grandchildren? I don’t actually think that’s totally outrageous. If it’s booked through somewhere like airbnb then you pay by the amount of people going, it might have been too expensive for her and she’s already being very generous.

WillowTit · 16/12/2024 19:35

can you just pay for your dh?

tachetastic · 16/12/2024 19:36

1HappyTraveller · 16/12/2024 19:33

Whilst I understand that the cost will be lower without partners this is something that your sister really should have discussed with you and your other sibling prior to booking. Now you are stuck in a challenging position where your partner is not invited even though he wants to be there and it would probably be helpful for you with a small child. Does your sister have a partner? Or is she single and has gone and booked this because it suits her better? She could have discussed it with you and you could have then gone away and assessed your financial situation to see if you AND your partner could attend. Personally I would see if there was any accommodation nearby that you could book and I’d be inclined to stay there with my partner and child. Whilst she has tried to do something nice I personally would value the help from my partner so that I could relax and enjoy myself a little more with the rest of my family. Her actions from the outside do seem a little selfish even though they may not be intended in that way.

It sounds like this. Your sister is trying to be generous, but maybe she resents paying for her SIL and BIL if she doesn't have a partner to take.

Find a way for your DH to be there if you can. Squish up.

tachetastic · 16/12/2024 19:36

1HappyTraveller · 16/12/2024 19:33

Whilst I understand that the cost will be lower without partners this is something that your sister really should have discussed with you and your other sibling prior to booking. Now you are stuck in a challenging position where your partner is not invited even though he wants to be there and it would probably be helpful for you with a small child. Does your sister have a partner? Or is she single and has gone and booked this because it suits her better? She could have discussed it with you and you could have then gone away and assessed your financial situation to see if you AND your partner could attend. Personally I would see if there was any accommodation nearby that you could book and I’d be inclined to stay there with my partner and child. Whilst she has tried to do something nice I personally would value the help from my partner so that I could relax and enjoy myself a little more with the rest of my family. Her actions from the outside do seem a little selfish even though they may not be intended in that way.

It sounds like this. Your sister is trying to be generous, but maybe she resents paying for her SIL and BIL if she doesn't have a partner to take.

Find a way for your DH to be there if you can. Squish up.

tachetastic · 16/12/2024 19:37

1HappyTraveller · 16/12/2024 19:33

Whilst I understand that the cost will be lower without partners this is something that your sister really should have discussed with you and your other sibling prior to booking. Now you are stuck in a challenging position where your partner is not invited even though he wants to be there and it would probably be helpful for you with a small child. Does your sister have a partner? Or is she single and has gone and booked this because it suits her better? She could have discussed it with you and you could have then gone away and assessed your financial situation to see if you AND your partner could attend. Personally I would see if there was any accommodation nearby that you could book and I’d be inclined to stay there with my partner and child. Whilst she has tried to do something nice I personally would value the help from my partner so that I could relax and enjoy myself a little more with the rest of my family. Her actions from the outside do seem a little selfish even though they may not be intended in that way.

It sounds like this. Your sister is trying to be generous, but maybe she resents paying for her SIL and BIL if she doesn't have a partner to take.

Find a way for your DH to be there if you can. Squish up.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/12/2024 19:38

You go - "Hi Sis - just after noticing that DH doesn't appear to have been included in the headcount for Mum's 70th birthday celebrations. I'm hoping this is an oversight on your part as I'll definitely need him with me to help with DS now. How can we let the location/hotel know so that they can include him?"

If she comes back and says it wasn't an oversight, then tell her he must be included as you do these things as a family and to exclude him is to exclude you.

If you can, put a few quid away every week from now until the time you're going away as any contribution would probably go a long way to easing things if it is a money related issue. I'd even be considering putting the cost on a credit card and paying it off a bit at a time if the reason she hasn't included him is financial.

DazedAndConfused321 · 16/12/2024 19:40

I think it's a lovely idea for your mum to be with her kids! Your partners don't need to be there in the house, what if you all have a dinner together?