DD came home from dance class upset

[Username561]

My daughter is 7 years old and has been going to dance class for 2 years. She has classes on Saturday mornings and Wednesday evenings. On Saturday, DH went to pick her up and when he got home he told me that she came out of the class with tears in her eyes but wouldn't tell him what was wrong. He dropped it and she was silent in the car on the way home. I spoke to her about it and I managed to get it out of her that her dance teacher upset her.

Basically this is what happened.. her teacher had tasked them with making up their own routine to a piece of music. They all went off by themselves to different parts of the room while they worked on their routine. One of the dance assistants came up to DD and asked how she was getting on DD said "well she said to.." and didn't get any further because the dance teacher overheard her and shouted WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME? The room apparently went silent and all of her classmates turned to look at her. DD didn't know what she had done wrong but felt too scared to say anything so again, the teacher said "what did you just call me then?" and DD spoke up and said she didn't call her anything. The teacher said "you just called me she, how very rude, I think you need teaching some manners" and then basically ignored her the rest of the lesson.

DD explained to me that she didn't know this was rude, and did apologise to the teacher but she felt upset because she was embarrassed and doesn't like being told off.

Immediately I felt angry that someone else had spoken to my child like this and made her cry. I also think that the way it was handled, telling her off in front of her classmates and being cold with her the rest of the lesson was mean. I decided I would speak to the teacher on Wednesday but DD is begging me not to. Do I just leave this? Is this how it is in classrooms and dance lessons? Is it normal? I do understand that saying "she" instead of someone's name can be seen as rude and I have explained why this is to her, but DD is 7 and didn't understand at the time and was made to feel humiliated.

Please could you advise, would you just let this go?

I never understand the she thing. Please can someone explain it to me. Every so often it seems to kick stuff off like it has here.

That’s awful and I would be having a (non confrontational) conversation with the teacher to explain that your child is very upset and worried now about attending her lessons. The teacher had a huge overreaction. It’s not particularly polite to say “she”‘rather than “Miss Wotsit” but it’s not that heinous and it didn’t deserve the rocket your dd got.

Teacher is frankly, bonkers, and handled it very badly - you don’t tell someone off in front of the class. Ok, using she rather than teachers name can be considered rude but hardly a heinous crime and could have been dealt with quickly, quietly and painlessly!

Agreed. There wouldn’t be nearly the furore referring to a man as He. All seems a bit precious.

That teacher doesn't sound like SHE has the temperament for teaching dance to primary school aged children. I'm all for teaching children to be polite, but if this is exactly how it happened then it was sounds completely out of proportion for the situation.

I wouldn't send her there anymore since the teacher is clearly a dickhead (if this really happened)

Nut job with a god complex!!! Or having a horrendous day but I’d definitely talk to her!

I never understand the she thing. Please can someone explain it to me. Every so often it seems to kick stuff off like it has here

No idea but I recall it when I was a child. Seemingly it had something to do with nanny goats being called ‘she’. I think, was several decades ago. I’m trying to think back but I don’t think ‘he’ illicited the same reaction? But yeah, something about a female goat as I recall, as I was always asked if x looked like a female goat, and in saying no, was told to use manners and their name then. Looking back, I probably should have said yes🤣🤣🤣. Guessing that would not have worked in my favour though🫤.

She sounds like the type of teacher who likes lording it over small children and having power over them. I doubt the teacher pulls up adults who say she. I would be finding a new dance class and would tell her why.

Referring to someone as 'he' or 'she' within their earshot is impolite - my parents, grandparents and teachers would go mad and shout 'SHE is the cat's mother! Refer to me properly!' 😆

That said, it is inappropriate to speak to a 7 year old like this and it could have been handled much better - a gentle 'Please refer to me as xxx when talking about me in future Eva' for example would have been fine. I'd be upset OP to be honest. Dance teachers are particularly spiky for some reason (I'm a teacher so can confidently state this from many years experience!) but if I were you I'd have a quiet word.

This is what I thought as well. Granted, I have never taught DD that this is impolite because I guess it has just never come up. I have explained it now but I still think it was uncalled for to react that way. The way that she is reacting about me speaking to her teacher is making me think DD is scared of her which i'm not happy with and would prefer to take her out of the class if this is the case

That’s a massive overreaction. Clearly your DD said “she” with absolutely no malice or awareness that some people would find it rude. The teacher sounds like a bully.

She wanted to be called Ms whatever her name is -but I absolutely agree with you that DD is SEVEN. She didn't know and shouldn't have been shouted at and ignored. If the teacher wanted to correct she could have walked over and explained very easily with no anger. I'd be bringing it up.

The teacher grossly over-reacted. I'm not surprised your DD was confused and upset if she hadn't been told that convention before.

TBH I wish someone had just explained to me when I was 4 or 5 that it was considered rude to call someone 'she' when they are present as all the 'cat's mother' stuff was just confusing.

Who's she? The cat's mother?

That's what I used to get, if I referred to someone as she. I think your dd's dance teacher has massively overreacted. I would not let this go.

Is there a different class your DD can go to? Ignoring and being cold to a 7 year old over something like this is pretty unpleasant. I wouldn't even bother talking to the teacher. Someone who behaves like this isn't going to change just because someone talks to them and I would worry that she would be nasty to your DD as she's already shown she holds unreasonable grudges.

@Username561 I'd remove my own daughter from the class in a heartbeat. Your daughter needs to understand that despite being an authority figure, sometimes adults can behave badly and it's your job to protect her.

Find another dance class - dance teachers are strict, but this one is not the right one for your poor DD.

(Personally, I'd explain why we were leaving loudly in front of the teachers peers - but I'm a bit of an arsehole like that).

I hope your DD is OK x

Removing her could seem like a punishment if she's otherwise enjoying the classes though. I'd want to see how she feels about the class in general, especially given how she seems very anti talking to the teacher.

Came to say exactly the same.

The teacher sounds reactive and nasty.

Id keep your dd away this Wednesday but go in and have a little chat about how all that unfolded.

I wouldn't speak to the teacher, it won't achieve anything, she is clearly quite traditional and formal (is it ballet?).
I would tell your DD that you'd be happy to look for a different class if she doesn't like the way the teacher is so formal and a bit scary. Even at 7 I think your DD should have the choice.

My grandmother used to say, 'Who's she? The cat's mother?' if we referred to someone as 'she.' Strangely, I don't think there was an alternative for 'he' which is irritating.
Dance teacher had massive overreaction to a seven year old, even if she herself was brought up to find saying 'she' very rude.

I'd find a different class. Isn't it supposed to be fun for them?

I would have a word with the dance teacher, my dds dance teacher spoke out of turn to her one evening at dance in front of all her dance friends. Dd came home upset. I messaged dance teacher to explains the situation with proof of a screen shot on dates which she had argued wasn’t the correct dates , she apologised to me and said she would apologise to dd at the next class, which she did.

I had no idea that saying She was rude. I've heard the phrase Who's she the cat's mother but i thought that was a jokey thing. Your poor DD I wouldnt let her go back

If you are planning to pull her out of the class please tell off the teacher for her behaviour and do it in front of the whole class - see how SHE likes it.