DD came home from dance class upset

[Username561]

My daughter is 7 years old and has been going to dance class for 2 years. She has classes on Saturday mornings and Wednesday evenings. On Saturday, DH went to pick her up and when he got home he told me that she came out of the class with tears in her eyes but wouldn't tell him what was wrong. He dropped it and she was silent in the car on the way home. I spoke to her about it and I managed to get it out of her that her dance teacher upset her.

Basically this is what happened.. her teacher had tasked them with making up their own routine to a piece of music. They all went off by themselves to different parts of the room while they worked on their routine. One of the dance assistants came up to DD and asked how she was getting on DD said "well she said to.." and didn't get any further because the dance teacher overheard her and shouted WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME? The room apparently went silent and all of her classmates turned to look at her. DD didn't know what she had done wrong but felt too scared to say anything so again, the teacher said "what did you just call me then?" and DD spoke up and said she didn't call her anything. The teacher said "you just called me she, how very rude, I think you need teaching some manners" and then basically ignored her the rest of the lesson.

DD explained to me that she didn't know this was rude, and did apologise to the teacher but she felt upset because she was embarrassed and doesn't like being told off.

Immediately I felt angry that someone else had spoken to my child like this and made her cry. I also think that the way it was handled, telling her off in front of her classmates and being cold with her the rest of the lesson was mean. I decided I would speak to the teacher on Wednesday but DD is begging me not to. Do I just leave this? Is this how it is in classrooms and dance lessons? Is it normal? I do understand that saying "she" instead of someone's name can be seen as rude and I have explained why this is to her, but DD is 7 and didn't understand at the time and was made to feel humiliated.

Please could you advise, would you just let this go?

For goodness' sake, what a horrible incident, poor girl.
I think the most important thing is to make it a learning experience for DD. Reassure her that she did nothing wrong and need not feel at all embarrassed because she's only seven and didn't know that anyone could be offended by 'she' in this context. Sometimes we get unfairly told off by grown ups, and it is horrible at the time, but nothing to dwell on. Maybe the teacher was having a bad day and feeling irritable.
And, as it happens, it is better to use someone's name or say 'the man in the red coat' or whatever, because some older people in particular don't like being referred to as just 'she' or 'he'.
As to whether you should complain - I wouldn't if it's only happened once. Definitely do though if anything like this happens again.

I have never ever understood what makes referring to someone as "she" impolite. I remember my mum used to go bonkers at me as a child for it and I couldn't dream of ever reacting that way to my kids. I don't get it

I would be tempted to use faux innocence when I spoke to her and say something like “DD was very upset about offending you the other day but I’m a bit confused about what happened. I’m really sorry if she was rude. Could you tell me exactly what happened?” So then she would need to admit how trivial it was and it would be obvious how badly she reacted.

Dance classes have quite a set etiquette, to do with respect for the teacher, and safety in a room of a lot of moving bodies!

Dance teachers are usually called "Miss First name' for the younger ones, or "Miss Surname" for the older ones.

So your DD should have said "Miss X told me to ..." I assume that that's what they all call the teacher.

I'd be removing your child. This woman is a bully and shouldn't be working with children. It does seem to be rife in dance. Find a new class.

I would take the blame for DD. Talk to the dance teacher and apologize for not having taught DD that saying "he/she" when the person is present is impolite. Tell her that you're very sorry and that your daughter is extremely sad about this. This is if you want her to continue. Otherwise I'd tell her that she's obnoxious screaming at a 7-year old for a rule that not many adults know of/apply. I had to excuse myself once to a teacher for having told my DC to finish a book when he was bored at home. Apparantly they were supposed to only read one chapter and he got scolded for having read it all🙄

I literally had never heard of this as being rude until I referred to a male colleague in a new job (who's name I didn't know!) as he and got the "cat's mother" comment. I don't think it's a universally understood rudeness. The teacher was ridiculous in her reaction. I would have a word and say "dd was really upset to have offended you, just want to explain that she wasn't aware some people find this rude."
I still don't understand why it is!

OK, should have. She could just have reminded the girl gently like a normal person 🤷‍♀️

However, I am unsure what to do regarding the teacher because DD has asked me to just leave it and I don't want to betray her trust by going behind her back.

You tell her that sometimes you will have to do things she doesn't want, because it's your job to keep her safe.

Then, when you speak to the dance teacher I would make a point of saying that she is NOT to raise this issue with DD directly. She doesn't want to talk about it and it's a conversation you want to stay between the adults.

How dare she treat your DD like that 😡

My DH got better manners than I have because he was the one to tell me about this. Also to say "pardon" when passing someone closely or going out first from an elevator.

This.

I was brought up never to call someone in earshot s/he - we used to get ‘who’s she, the cat’s mother?’ - no idea what that meant.

However, a gentle reminder with a smile, or better still, a word quietly to the parent at pickup times, is all that is needed.

I would be having a word asking why if she thinks it is rude for a child to call someone she, she doesn’t think it is rude to shout at and embarrass the child?

Oh OP, once you have found another dance class it would be hilarious to go to the teacher all apologetic and say your DD did realise the teacher uses he/him as their preferred pronouns, and didn’t intend to misgender her, and you think the teacher is very brave to be his authentic self with his pupils.

Maybe the teacher expects the children to call her by her name/title ie Ms Brown etc

Obvi, but still no need to shout, embarrass and then ignore a child.....

I'd go to see the teacher, I would make her feel as small as she made your poor girl and then pull her out of the classes. What a bitch.,

Your daughter needs to be shown that what the teacher did was very much not okay. Everyone remembers when a teacher/respected adult wronged them like this. It will stick.

It sounds like the teacher has destroyed the class for your poor daughter already so tbh you've got nothing to lose. I'd confront that arsehole pretty loudly. And if she's got a boss, they'd find out about this.

I have always been taught it is rude to call someone 'she' and I have instilled this in my 4dc. Saying that if dd3 who is 16 does call me 'she' then I gently remind that I'm not the cat's mother and have a name, and certainly don't shout at her or punish her for it!
Dance teachers can be very formal. Dd3 still does ballet and modern and has always been one of the better dancers. I remember when she was younger the teacher used to be very rude to some of the young dancers.

Probably Miss Caroline or Madam Brown

Thats awful.

Ask your DD how she feels about going back to that dance class and if she's not feeling good about it stop the lessons and put a complaint in writing about the atrocious conduct of this pathetic excuse of a dance teacher.

Your DD has been through an emotional assault due to the mindless actions of a dance teacher on a power trip.

This useless excuse of a human being should not be any where near kids, because her conduct is to cause harm, and if it wasn't, then she would not have been so cruel to your DD.

It’s a dance teacher thing. Unfortunately some of them are completely up their own arse about it. She could have just explained to your DD that she needs to refer to her as Miss X or Madame or whatever. Instead of berating her in front of everyone and sucking the joy out of it.

So far, I've read that it's acceptable to say "she" because your daughter is only seven. I've also read that the who-harr might be down to the age of the teacher.

Maybe.

Here's my story - in the autumn of 2020, I went back to college at the ripe age of 42, to retake two GCSEs. Remember, this was the year of the pandemic, lockdowns, etc, and even those of us who'd not yet had covid were still in a state of heightened anxiety and general confusion; it had been a horrible year.

My maths teacher was was calm as could be, however, my English tutor -whilst excellent at teaching the subject- was a thoroughly, thoroughly nasty, bitter, and spiteful person. He got away with it with some of the younger ones, but us "mature" students had got the measure of him. My nerves were shot to pieces as it was, with the pandemic and other stuff in my life that had kicked-off the year.

Anyway, one evening when I went to class, he was in a worse mood than normal and had decided to sit us in the library to do some of our admin work on the computer system as opposed to teaching us, so to speak. Unfortunately, he didn't give clear instructions on what to do, so when the next person along from me asked me for clarity (bearing in mind they were two spaces away for social distancing) I had to speak maybe slightly louder than I would have liked (albeit not loud at all) and said "blah, blah, blah, and then he's told us that..."

Well, next thing I know the tutor is booming across the library to me, saying he has a name and I should show some respect. FFS, he and I were practically the same age, give or take a few years, and I'd not been spoken to like that it decades. I was mortified, absolutely mortified.

To this day I still don't see what I did wrong. Thus, assuming all in the OP is as it actually happened, it's not because the girl in the OP is younger, or because the teacher is older, it's because the person who objected it a nasty piece of work to have reacted how "she" did, not least to a child. If that was me at seven, I'd have been crushed by it.

This is 2024, not 1924. Is the teacher Ms. Trunchbull? There are so many real issues and she decides THIS is something to berate a child over?

I know this thread is not about preferred pronouns but it has hammered home why declaring your preferred pronouns is bonkers because you are never supposed to say he/she in front of the person so who gives a shit what people call you when you can't hear.

I had a similar experience with a teacher going too far with the way she told me off as a child . I was very upset, but what I really remember was my DM having my back and telling this teacher it wasn’t acceptable. The teacher apologised, and I knew my mum was on my side when I needed her.

Given the batshit reaction from the dance teacher I assume it is Ballet and probably Royal Ballet affiliated?

I work very closely with the principal of dd's dance school, and she had NEVER behaved in this manner. However. I pulled her out of a Royal Ballet affiliated school for exactly this sort of BS.

Ballet is very much about being "proper" so yes, referring to the teacher as "she" is considered rude just as it is for most places outside of schools. They are always Miss X etc. That said. There is nonexcuse of catawalling at a 7 year old!

Given it was the principal of the school I'm not sure what recourse you have, but I would definitely be saying something.