DD came home from dance class upset

[Username561]

My daughter is 7 years old and has been going to dance class for 2 years. She has classes on Saturday mornings and Wednesday evenings. On Saturday, DH went to pick her up and when he got home he told me that she came out of the class with tears in her eyes but wouldn't tell him what was wrong. He dropped it and she was silent in the car on the way home. I spoke to her about it and I managed to get it out of her that her dance teacher upset her.

Basically this is what happened.. her teacher had tasked them with making up their own routine to a piece of music. They all went off by themselves to different parts of the room while they worked on their routine. One of the dance assistants came up to DD and asked how she was getting on DD said "well she said to.." and didn't get any further because the dance teacher overheard her and shouted WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME? The room apparently went silent and all of her classmates turned to look at her. DD didn't know what she had done wrong but felt too scared to say anything so again, the teacher said "what did you just call me then?" and DD spoke up and said she didn't call her anything. The teacher said "you just called me she, how very rude, I think you need teaching some manners" and then basically ignored her the rest of the lesson.

DD explained to me that she didn't know this was rude, and did apologise to the teacher but she felt upset because she was embarrassed and doesn't like being told off.

Immediately I felt angry that someone else had spoken to my child like this and made her cry. I also think that the way it was handled, telling her off in front of her classmates and being cold with her the rest of the lesson was mean. I decided I would speak to the teacher on Wednesday but DD is begging me not to. Do I just leave this? Is this how it is in classrooms and dance lessons? Is it normal? I do understand that saying "she" instead of someone's name can be seen as rude and I have explained why this is to her, but DD is 7 and didn't understand at the time and was made to feel humiliated.

Please could you advise, would you just let this go?

SHE sounds like an absolute twat! I’d send an email and also have a word on Wednesday. It’s ironic that whilst trying to ‘teach’ your daughter manners, SHE displayed incredibly poor ones. She could have gone over and quietly said ‘Abby, just to say, I’d prefer to be called Mrs Fuckface instead of she’. Done. Humiliating a child, who clearly wasn’t intending to be rude is disgusting. Also blanking a child is very immature on the teachers part and she shouldn’t be working with kids if she can’t tolerate being called ‘she’. How ridiculous. Hope your girl is okay x

Yes she is trained, it's a very successful dance school, they have a good reputation. It's been going since 1973 and passed down basically through the generations. I have realised that they take themselves very seriously, but to most of the people there it is just a hobby and a way to keep fit! It isn't the bloody Northern Ballet School. I have had a look at some other schools in the area, and will be contacting them, but need to speak to DD first.

Presumably you're paying, probably quite a lot, for these classes.

At 7 years old your daughter should be dancing for fun. Having her confidence nurtured and built up, having her skills gently developed so she achieves the best she can. But most importantly she should be enjoying what she is doing.

A pompous teacher who is happy to humiliate a child in front of others when the child hasn't even done anything wrong, isn't the kind of person I'd want alone with my child.

Look for another class. It doesn't have to be like this.

Yes you are right. I'm glad that everyone seems to be on my side with this tbh, I was wondering if people would be telling me this is just the way it is and to get over it! This is the only incident that has ever happened though, although there have been issues between this woman and other children. So I don't feel comfortable keeping her there at risk of more happening in the future

I actually wondered if it was the same one but just looked and ours was established 1951! But sounds very similar! If it’s just a hobby. I’d find her a nicer school. We did and never looked back.

Me too.
I mean I wouldn’t probably use “she” on a similar situation just intuitively but I’m grown up woman whereas we are talking about 7 y.o. who had telling off as for a murder.
I would remove her from the class and move to another dance school.

???????

What's "preferred pronouns" got to do with it?

She doesn't have the temperament to teach young children. I would find a new class.

I’d also agree with pp who said dance ( and also music) teachers are sometimes a bit prone to being frosty with any children they feel aren’t especially talented. I think maybe because people go into dance/music teaching more for the love of the discipline itself rather than because they want to teach in the way schoolteachers do. I’ve noticed this in my DC’s class even though Dc is quite good, so I’m not just speaking from a place of pique. I honestly have felt on a couple of occasions they were trying to “ freeze” some children out. Just make sure you’re not dealing with one of those types 🙄

I taught adults until recently and was referred to as she all the time. I did think 'bit rude' every time but it's such a minor thing. My mum used to say the cat's mother thing and then ' I've got a handle to my jug,'. 😅

My son is a dancer and has been in several shows run by different people to his dance school. I cannot imagine any of the teachers/dance directors etc he's had talking to anyone like this. 'jimmy you need to bend your knee more' - appropriate way to talk to an individual child in a dance class.... Or maybe 'jimmy make sure you listen when I'm talking please' (not something he needs as he's very well behaved). Or I've heard them say things like 'come on girls, it's the exam in January so you need to focus now'.

It's one of those weird things that some boomers got offended about that won't die.

Same people will get uppity about using gender-neutral pronouns.

I'd be having a strong word.

OP
In my opinion the woman is a bully.
Please don't leave DD there.

Removing her would also show DD you will have nothing to do with bullies (of any age) and that you will always have her back.

Correction: this is the only Incident DD has told you about.

Can I politely say it’s not a boomer issue and older people are often better clued up

Teachers of classes like this need to remember what their actual role/job/function is and not overstep with paying customers.

Can’t say I’m surprised this was at a dance school. A lot of them have awful reputations, still think bullying is how to get the best out of people.

I haven’t taught my kids the “she” thing. There is nothing objectively rude about it, it’s just an arbitrary thing.

I would have a chat with your daughter, you can talk to the teacher or you can find her a new dance school. But make it clear that just ignoring it is not an option. Teach her that she can stand up to bullies, in whatever form they come in.

Having been around far more dance classes than I'd like with my two. I would say if DD wants to carry on, to check her version of events.

There have been occasions where younger students feel they've been shouted at, when actually the teacher has raised her voice to be heard over the music.

With older students it's usually they're not paying attention and don't hear the first instruction, so she does get a bit shout. But the smaller ones often seem to mistake projection for yelling, and once you feel like you're in trouble everything that follows seems harsh.

Equally it could be the teacher was horrible to her, but her reaction to a quick chat should give you an idea which way it goes

That made me mad on yours and your daughters behalf. I'd be pulling my daughter out and have strong words with the dance teacher. The way she acted was unnecessary and just nasty.

This thread has nothing to do with preferred pronouns.

However, in response to your post, maybe some "boomers" don't understand why "gender neutral pronouns" even exist.

I don't.......

@Username561 This is where, as a parent with her best interests at heart, you have to decide for your dd, and the decision you need to take is to remove her from this school immediately.

She might enjoy the lessons most of the time, but even one instance of behaviour like this from a dance teacher is one too many. There are plenty of other dance schools out there.

I'm quite frankly appalled at this teacher's attitude, and if you know which examining body the school uses, I would write a formal complaint to them as well. It is totally unacceptable for someone to berate a little child and make them cry in front of everyone.

That teacher is a disgrace to the profession.

How dare SHE!

I'd be saying something. And it wouldn't be very nice.

My grandmother used to say the same.

The teacher has totally over reacted and I would be having a quiet word at the next dance class. I would mention that you have explained to your DD why the use of she is impolite but you are unimpressed with the teachers reaction. You DD is only 7 and is still learning.

I’d be finding a different dance class. Goodness knows why the teacher blew up like that when she should have just corrected DD/explained that she found it rude. But if she’s behaved like this once she’s likely to behave like it again and unpredictable, explosive adults make children very unhappy.

My daughter trained as a dancer between the ages of 7 and 19 including professional dance college. My husband teaches musical theatre and I ran kids performing arts classes for many years. There is little we havn;t seen including a lot of toxic behaviour.

That teacher needs to not be teaching. There is no way on earth I would take my child back to that environment after that.