DD came home from dance class upset

[Username561]

My daughter is 7 years old and has been going to dance class for 2 years. She has classes on Saturday mornings and Wednesday evenings. On Saturday, DH went to pick her up and when he got home he told me that she came out of the class with tears in her eyes but wouldn't tell him what was wrong. He dropped it and she was silent in the car on the way home. I spoke to her about it and I managed to get it out of her that her dance teacher upset her.

Basically this is what happened.. her teacher had tasked them with making up their own routine to a piece of music. They all went off by themselves to different parts of the room while they worked on their routine. One of the dance assistants came up to DD and asked how she was getting on DD said "well she said to.." and didn't get any further because the dance teacher overheard her and shouted WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME? The room apparently went silent and all of her classmates turned to look at her. DD didn't know what she had done wrong but felt too scared to say anything so again, the teacher said "what did you just call me then?" and DD spoke up and said she didn't call her anything. The teacher said "you just called me she, how very rude, I think you need teaching some manners" and then basically ignored her the rest of the lesson.

DD explained to me that she didn't know this was rude, and did apologise to the teacher but she felt upset because she was embarrassed and doesn't like being told off.

Immediately I felt angry that someone else had spoken to my child like this and made her cry. I also think that the way it was handled, telling her off in front of her classmates and being cold with her the rest of the lesson was mean. I decided I would speak to the teacher on Wednesday but DD is begging me not to. Do I just leave this? Is this how it is in classrooms and dance lessons? Is it normal? I do understand that saying "she" instead of someone's name can be seen as rude and I have explained why this is to her, but DD is 7 and didn't understand at the time and was made to feel humiliated.

Please could you advise, would you just let this go?

So I’m older (50) and I was raised with the whole Cats mother thing but I did ask my gran why this rule existed and was told using “she” or “he” in the presence of the person was considered sneering and looking down upon them- there were mentions of prostitution to but I never fully understood that. My high school English teacher also confirmed this on a regular basis. I’ve always tried to stick to it, until uni then it got very confusing with pronoun use in company etc. I appreciate that’s an old person thing and I stuck with only names in person to ensure no offence.

That said, using She in her presence is no reason to be shouting at a child, particularly not one whose parents pay for her to be there’s A simple, polite, calm explanation of the teachers rules around the use of she or mme snootypants would have been the appropriate and the kind thing to do.

I do think you should correct the teacher’s behaviour and get her to apologise to the child for her poor manners. Respect needs to work both ways.

I used to think it was just my mum who got mad if anyone used the term “she” - though I’ve witnessed a couple of other people reacting badly to it in recent years. It really does seem to upset some people as its usually followed by a lot of loud shrieking about cats’ mothers 😁.

I agree with pp who said the teacher could have dealt with it differently eg “please refer to me as Miss <insert name>, not she.” I would seriously be considering a different dance school if this happened, and explain to DD about the she/cats mother thing being upsetting for some people.

My mum used to always say "who's she? The cats mother?"
Anyway regarding your daughters teacher I would be furious if that happened to my daughter

'She' was at the other side of the room entirely. How far away does someone have to be, for crying out loud?

I've met more ballet teachers than you could shake a stick at (and believe me, there were occasions when I wanted to do just that), and it makes my blood boil that they get away with this stuff so often.

You wouldn't allow your child's school teacher to shout at your dc in class and make them cry, you'd be contacting the school office pretty sharpish to put in a complaint. So why would any parent allow an extra-curricular teacher to do it?

Dance teachers are usually Miss Something esp ballet teachers and the children usually know this

Yes they do know that, and no doubt if the teacher had been right beside her, the dd would have used it, but she wasn't. She was at the other side of the room, presumably busy with other children at the time.

Dance teachers are not royalty, however much they like to think they are.

If this happened to mine I would pull dd out. There is no way the teacher is pleasant to your dd if she did this to her and don't expect her to be pleasant moving forward- she sounds like a bully who has got it in for your dd.

2 wrongs don't make a right but I would be in there and giving her a piece of my mind to embarrass her like she did dd.

We have to show our kids we will stand up for them, not hide away from a bully.

I would be pulling my dd out and leaving terrible reviews on her business everywhere I could, maybe even report her to the governing body of whatever she teaches to so ISTD, IDTA or whatever. Because I’m petty like that

Your DD’s dance teacher behaved like a bully of children - whose families are PAYING for their kids to go have a nice time and have fun in her care. I would not be letting this go. They’re children FFS. She needs to calm herself way down. You’re not sending your kid there to be belittled.

IME if this is classical ballet ( sorry if I’ve missed a comment on that) teachers often DON’T see it as having a nice time.

Its viewed as an art, a discipline. Even if tines have moved in from the ruler thwack around the back of the thighs for a badly pointed toe, a certain decorum is still seen as part of what is instilled. Many teachers expect properly executed hair buns for instance . Not defending it, just fleshing out context …

God. I can just imagine them, some of them right little Hitlers taking out their aggression and insecurities on children. So unnecessary.

I would withdraw my daughter too. Perhaps the dance teacher ('she') revels in hurting little girls feelings? Probably because that's how she was taught - by humiliation.

In fact I withdrew both my daughters from a ballet/tap class because Miss H described one of them as 'clumping about like a heffalump' in front of an audience.

But I remember my grandmother used to call people she didn't like 'cat' or 'minx'. She once exclaimed that I was a wicked little cat - which was a very strong term back then, especially directed at a little girl (me). So I can understand where that phrase came from and how old fashioned it is - 'she cat' was a common term. So to be called 'she' could be interpreted as being called a 'cat'. I think it is possibly used to describe a cat which has given birth, i.e. no longer pure/intact. So the equivalent of slut?

What had I done back then? I'd thrown a packet of spangles across the table and they had hit my brother in the eye. Grandma had given each of us a packet and he had eaten his and then wanted to share mine. I refused and was told to share - so I threw them in a fit of pique. I remember being so upset at being called a wicked cat - it scarred me for life.

She is a nasty bully who knows exactly what she is doing and clearly gets off on the power trip of upsetting little girls.
Withdraw her.

This, all the way!

Please please, please from someone whose dd has been through the dance world from a young child and is still dealing with the aftermath, don't avoid saying anything because your daughter doesn't want you to/doesn't want to leave her friends etc.

It's not worth it. Be the parent and get her away from that teacher.

Been there as the parent of a dancer, got the t-shirt, and dd still has the physical and mental scars from 15 years of classical ballet training, including at a professional level.

Nobody should ever have to go through any kind of abuse to achieve their ambitions, however disciplined an art form it is.

Sorry but she made your daughter cry over calling her ‘she’… yes maybe not polite but a definite over reaction!! I would be speaking to the teacher, not so politely also! Personally I would strip her down in front of the class, sounds like she needs knocked down a peg or 2. Hope you little one is ok.

I never get involved in teacher discipline stuff, and do not accept tears over nothing, but here I fail to see where the kid has gone wrong and it is normal that she is shaken and upset. I have taught English as a second language and it is generally acceptable to refer to someone by their name the first time when using reported speech (not addressing them directly), and thereafter by the correct gender pronoun. That is what she did. The teacher is a she. Repeating her name a million times when it is obvious who she is talking about is incorrect use of English. Sounds like teacher js too thick to realise that.

I'm 67 and this OTT reaction wouldn't have been acceptable, even when I was that age, when we still had the hangover of 'children should be seen and not heard' generation. It may have been countered with a comment like 'Who's she? The cat's mother?' type of comment. Usually accompanied with a wry smile.
Yes, it can be considered rude. A shop assistant referred to me as she in a smarmy way some years ago. Her manager overheard, told her to serve someone else and apologised to me and took over the sale.
I would be desperate to say something in your situation but I think I would leave it and just explain to your daughter why it was a little rude and remind her to refer to her by name or Miss. Maybe also add that even adults get it wrong and punishment doesn't always fit the crime x

The teacher’s response was awful. The idea that ‘she’ is an impolite word was simply never a thing in my family growing up. Is it a class or regional thing in some way? If I was your 7 year old daughter I’d be so confused and upset at the teacher.

And however impolite your daughter was in the teacher’s eyes, the teacher’s response to your daughter was massively more impolite/horrible.

So did I.

Immediately followed by her wibbling at the cat 'Oh, you love your Mummy, don't you, beautiful boy?'.

One day I answered 'Yes'. It didn't go down well.

I'd be apologising and asking what pronouns they'd prefer your DD to use...

Whilst it's possibly nicer to be referred to by name or "Miss" or "Madame" (for dancing) I think the teacher's reaction was totally uncalled for and hugely over the top. She screamed at a seven-year old!

I think words need to be said...

I don’t think saying ‘she’ is rude at all. The dance teacher was rude and horrible not your DD

Actually I'm more concerned with the 8% that think your YABI, how strange!

This dance teacher sounds an absolute twat, and I agree, how is saying 'she' rude?? For christ sake, is she really expecting 7 years old to refer to her as Mrs. Smith etc every single time? I always say she said/he said etc it's absolutely batshit bananas that she erupted like that!

Please do say something, she sounds a bully, I know your daughter said not to but she'll thank u in the long run and she's too young to understand what a c* this teacher is acting like.