DD came home from dance class upset

[Username561]

My daughter is 7 years old and has been going to dance class for 2 years. She has classes on Saturday mornings and Wednesday evenings. On Saturday, DH went to pick her up and when he got home he told me that she came out of the class with tears in her eyes but wouldn't tell him what was wrong. He dropped it and she was silent in the car on the way home. I spoke to her about it and I managed to get it out of her that her dance teacher upset her.

Basically this is what happened.. her teacher had tasked them with making up their own routine to a piece of music. They all went off by themselves to different parts of the room while they worked on their routine. One of the dance assistants came up to DD and asked how she was getting on DD said "well she said to.." and didn't get any further because the dance teacher overheard her and shouted WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME? The room apparently went silent and all of her classmates turned to look at her. DD didn't know what she had done wrong but felt too scared to say anything so again, the teacher said "what did you just call me then?" and DD spoke up and said she didn't call her anything. The teacher said "you just called me she, how very rude, I think you need teaching some manners" and then basically ignored her the rest of the lesson.

DD explained to me that she didn't know this was rude, and did apologise to the teacher but she felt upset because she was embarrassed and doesn't like being told off.

Immediately I felt angry that someone else had spoken to my child like this and made her cry. I also think that the way it was handled, telling her off in front of her classmates and being cold with her the rest of the lesson was mean. I decided I would speak to the teacher on Wednesday but DD is begging me not to. Do I just leave this? Is this how it is in classrooms and dance lessons? Is it normal? I do understand that saying "she" instead of someone's name can be seen as rude and I have explained why this is to her, but DD is 7 and didn't understand at the time and was made to feel humiliated.

Please could you advise, would you just let this go?

I remember the issue of ‘she the cats mother’ coming up on reddit and all of the (presumably) young Americans thought that upset was caused by pronouns and wouldn’t hear otherwise 😆

Your poor daughter - that’s tough for her. I wouldn’t blame the teacher though - maybe she’s just a little brusque or a bit head teacherly and it felt a bit sterner than it was meant. Kids can misjudge tone and equally adults can inadvertently get it wrong too.

I understand not wanting to go behind her back to talk to this teacher, and it’s right that you want her to feel safe to confide in you. BUT sometimes we have to be parent first, friend second. I think it’s actually important you don’t let this woman get away with that treatment of your DD and you do need to protect your daughter from being bullied and humiliated.

I would speak to the teacher and make it absolutely clear you don’t want your daughter to know of it.

Your DD doesn’t want it raised as the teacher has left her feeling afraid, humiliated or probably both. Don’t leave it there.

It’s one thing to reprimand and another to publucly humiliate them then snub them .

I'd no idea about this 'not 'she', but Name' thing!

The teacher's reaction was totally out of hand. I'd ask to speak to her in private.

I have noticed this too in dance teachers. Some take it wayyyy to far. Now in most cases I'd never say this but teachers like this: if you can't then teach rings true only I don't think she should be teaching.

I don’t get it either. I can remember hearing “she is the cats mother” as a child but no idea what the problem was

I agree with this, TBH I wouldn't trust her anymore after this!

I think you are supposed to use a name at least on first mention. So 'Miss Smith said x'. But surely you then follow up with 'she' when refering to her subsequent times?

But this idea that it's rude to say she in the person's presence makes no sense to me. In what world is, 'This is Jane. She's just joined the team and she has two cats and enjoys skydiving' rude?

That's hilarious!

I'm 42 and I was reared with "she is the cats mother" so I do think it's a generational thing given you've said she's in her 60s, however the teachers reaction was way over the top.

Absolutely no need to call out a 7yr old for saying it in the first place as she was clearly explaining to the other teacher, I'm doing this because this is what teacher wanted me to do, and Absolutely wasn't saying it in a oh that bitch told me to this, which of course would be unacceptable!
If teacher finds "she" in this circumstance rude then that's her right, it's not her right however to humiliate you're young child like she did.
If your child is adamant they want to stay and doesn't want you to talk to her teacher then I would loudly and in front of the other parents and the nasty teacher tell your DD " if SHE upsets you again I'm just in the waiting room darling" this let's teacher know you know and mark her card you're not happy plus it will open up a conversation in the waiting room and you can see if any of the other children mentioned this incident to their parents and if there have been other incidents. If it's her friends she will miss most then maybe this will prompt a mass walkout and you all go elsewhere so DD keeps her friendships and gets a better teacher

The teacher raising her voice like a fish wife and then sulking like a three year old isn’t particularly polite either. If we’re keeping score.

Ha ha yes! Stick your head through the door at the beginning of next week’s class and say loudly:” Oh DD don’t forget what SHE said you have to call her!”

The goat thing is "Kids". Young goats are calked kids.
Calling people she/he in the first instance rather than using their names is considered rude because it's indicative of that person's name being beneath your attention. Like they are so unimportant that you don't have to bother remembering their name, and can just wave vaguely in their direction "She said ...."
However, once you've used their name, then it's fine to say she. For example "Ms Smith told us to make up a dance, so I'm trying to do what she told me.".

Actually yes this is a better thing to say as mine would likely upset DD but this one will go over DD head at 7 but the adults will 100% get the message loud and clear!

Is it ballet?
Is the teacher one of those ballet teachers that insists on being called Miss Firstname?

If so, I suspect she was objecting to not being called Miss Firstname rather than 'she'.

Still not the best way to deal with it though!

I never know why ballet teachers do that.

I think the objection is a "she-cat" / "she-wolf" thing. Ridiculous either way. I'd start putting a recording device on my daughter.

She is the cat's mother!

She is what a female cat is called. In the early 1900s calling a woman a she instead of by their name was considered rude as "she" could be mistaken as a shortened version of she cat. It was said that only cats should be called she hence "who's she the cat's mother".

I hope that your talk with the teacher goes well.

I’d agree that using “she” instead of the teachers name is a little impolite, but the teacher massively overreacted to this, especially given that your DD is so young.
I’d consider the teachers reaction to be far ruder than your DD’s very minor offence, TBH.

Well I guess it had to come from somewhere, given all our grandmothers seem to have imagined it referred to a cat. 🐱

A teacher did something like that to me the first time I went to a dance class as a child and I never went back. That's a horrible way to treat a child and you should definitely speak to the teacher about it.

This type of behaviour would bring out the unhinged raging psychopath inside of me.

Best of luck. You don't want my advice as I wouldn't be able to contain myself. I would be absolutely furious. My daughter is only 1 and I am so scared of shit like this happening. Your poor daughter. Absolutely stick up for her and let her know / let her witness you defended/defending her whatever you do.

It's a fairly archaic use of the English language.

I'm in my 60s and would be surprised if many people knew this now.

If there are too many female people in a place then I guess you might need to use a name for clarity.

The teacher is very old fashioned in this case.

I'd be tempted to write a lovely (but sarcastic) letter thanking the teacher for recently teaching your daughter such a traditional concept.

If there are any similar such occurrences in the future you would very much appreciate her telling you privately first so that you can calmly and very kindly explain to DD, at home, any error that she thinks she might have made.

I would also say that DD was more upset than she can imagine.

It's making me think your DD may have over-egged it a bit, like I used to when I wanted my mum's sympathy!

I would definitely find out the teacher's side and if she really shouted or not etc.

SHE is a massive bitch and SHE is a bully for treating a 7 year old like that and SHE should be told! I would probably withdraw my dd from her lessons tbh I find that so mean. It’s bullying, simple. A complete overreaction to your non-malicious dd.