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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD came home from dance class upset

202 replies

Username561 · 09/12/2024 11:16

My daughter is 7 years old and has been going to dance class for 2 years. She has classes on Saturday mornings and Wednesday evenings. On Saturday, DH went to pick her up and when he got home he told me that she came out of the class with tears in her eyes but wouldn't tell him what was wrong. He dropped it and she was silent in the car on the way home. I spoke to her about it and I managed to get it out of her that her dance teacher upset her.

Basically this is what happened.. her teacher had tasked them with making up their own routine to a piece of music. They all went off by themselves to different parts of the room while they worked on their routine. One of the dance assistants came up to DD and asked how she was getting on DD said "well she said to.." and didn't get any further because the dance teacher overheard her and shouted WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME? The room apparently went silent and all of her classmates turned to look at her. DD didn't know what she had done wrong but felt too scared to say anything so again, the teacher said "what did you just call me then?" and DD spoke up and said she didn't call her anything. The teacher said "you just called me she, how very rude, I think you need teaching some manners" and then basically ignored her the rest of the lesson.

DD explained to me that she didn't know this was rude, and did apologise to the teacher but she felt upset because she was embarrassed and doesn't like being told off.

Immediately I felt angry that someone else had spoken to my child like this and made her cry. I also think that the way it was handled, telling her off in front of her classmates and being cold with her the rest of the lesson was mean. I decided I would speak to the teacher on Wednesday but DD is begging me not to. Do I just leave this? Is this how it is in classrooms and dance lessons? Is it normal? I do understand that saying "she" instead of someone's name can be seen as rude and I have explained why this is to her, but DD is 7 and didn't understand at the time and was made to feel humiliated.

Please could you advise, would you just let this go?

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 09/12/2024 13:59

CucumberBagel · 09/12/2024 12:59

Correction: this is the only Incident DD has told you about.

Show quote history

Absolutely. My daughter tells me there was so much she never told me because they were conditioned to accept it as normal.

StormingNorman · 09/12/2024 14:02

What an over-emotional reaction to a something so insignificant. It was a massively inappropriate way to respond to a young child, particularly as she is also your DD’s teacher.

taxi4ballet · 09/12/2024 14:06

Comefromaway · 09/12/2024 13:59

Absolutely. My daughter tells me there was so much she never told me because they were conditioned to accept it as normal.

Show quote history

So true. We do not want our children growing up believing that any kind of abuse from adults is okay, and that they have to put up with it. The kids are scared that if they say anything it will only get worse, or they won't be chosen for shows or competitions or whatever. This has long been an issue in the dance world, and in gymnastics too. The kids accept it, the parents don't always even find out it is going on - and other staff at the establishment turn a blind eye.

There is only one thing parents can do if they find out, and that is to vote with their feet.

Floralnomad · 09/12/2024 14:12

Just leave and find a different class if your daughter wants to continue , at 7 it’s supposed to be fun not an ordeal . This sounds like quite a toxic environment.

fgsistwbotp · 09/12/2024 14:19

The reaction was completely over the top and unnecessary.
It is considered rude to say "she said to..." without using the name of the person you are talking about. But a seven year old isn't to know that or might need to be gently reminded that it's polite to use someone's name when referring to them.

In our family we were always asked "Who's she? The cat's mother?" and we learned to use people's names. We weren't shouted at.

I wouldn't be happy about the teacher's reaction at all and would consider whether to move her to a different class or school.

taxi4ballet · 09/12/2024 15:43

fgsistwbotp · 09/12/2024 14:19

The reaction was completely over the top and unnecessary.
It is considered rude to say "she said to..." without using the name of the person you are talking about. But a seven year old isn't to know that or might need to be gently reminded that it's polite to use someone's name when referring to them.

In our family we were always asked "Who's she? The cat's mother?" and we learned to use people's names. We weren't shouted at.

I wouldn't be happy about the teacher's reaction at all and would consider whether to move her to a different class or school.

It is considered to be fairly mild bad manners yes, but only if the 'she' you are referring to is right there with you. It doesn't really apply if you are only 7 and the person you are talking about is yards away over on the other side of a (presumably) fairly large hall.

It is time for scary and intimidating dance teachers to be consigned to the scrap heap where they belong.

taxi4ballet · 09/12/2024 15:51

Oh, and @Username561 you will probably find the answer you need when you ring the dance teacher up and tell her that your dd was very upset by what happened, and you don't want that sort of thing to happen again.

Comefromaway · 09/12/2024 15:54

It is time for scary and intimidating dance teachers to be consigned to the scrap heap where they belong.

100% but there is still along way to go!

For context taxi & I have a long history on this and other dance forums. We've seen and heard it all. (bit not necessarily from our kids at the time of things happening.

RobertaFirmino · 09/12/2024 16:23

So the dance teacher got upset about being called 'she'. The devil in me would want to apologise for using the incorrect pronoun and ask if 'he' or 'they' is preferable.

CarolinaInTheMorning · 09/12/2024 16:27

saveforthat · 09/12/2024 12:09

Is she Abby Lee Miller?

Likely not. This preciousness about "she" is a particularly British thing, I think.

SuperfluousHen · 09/12/2024 16:28

I wouldn’t let it go.
A 7 yo isn’t old enough to grasp the minutiae of polite English speech.
The teacher was out of order and needs to be confronted.

(And I’m fairly confident that in some other English speaking countries using ‘she’ in place of the teacher’s name wouldn’t be considered rude at all, eg in USA)

Dramatic · 09/12/2024 16:29

It would have been blatantly obvious to the teacher and helper that your dd didn't intend to be rude, I've never understood why saying "she" is rude anyway. If the teacher did find it rude she could have calmly explained to your daughter that it would be more polite to refer to her as "Mrs x" when talking about her but to shout at her and then ignore her is completely out of line. It's supposed to be a fun activity!

coxesorangepippin · 09/12/2024 16:29

Yeah bit ott

Sounds like the teacher needed a sit down or something

Ruffpuff · 09/12/2024 16:35

I accidentally clicked YABU on voting.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. Speak with the teacher. I remember this type of issue when I was a child and it absolutely shattered my confidence (I was shy anyway). She can’t think this is an appropriate way to speak to a 7 year old.

It’s not hard to politely and calmly explain to a young child what is considered ‘rude’ (though this isn’t something I would’ve considered rude, personally). The teacher’s behaviour was far ruder than that of the child.

Ruffpuff · 09/12/2024 16:37

@RobertaFirmino you win best response 😂😂😂

Hillarious · 09/12/2024 16:47

Username561 · 09/12/2024 12:43

Yes she is trained, it's a very successful dance school, they have a good reputation. It's been going since 1973 and passed down basically through the generations. I have realised that they take themselves very seriously, but to most of the people there it is just a hobby and a way to keep fit! It isn't the bloody Northern Ballet School. I have had a look at some other schools in the area, and will be contacting them, but need to speak to DD first.

Edited
Show quote history

Sounds like my daughter's teacher - all the parents were terrified of her, but she was an excellent ballet teacher if you were wanting to progress and some pupils took up ballet professionally. My daughter actually did some classes with Northern Ballet when she was at uni, and found she had had much more discipline instilled into her than most of the others at the drop in classes.

Possibly it's time to find out how much your daughter really wants to go to the class and it may be you need to find an alternative class instead. But do tell your daughter that most people will have forgotten the incident and she shouldn't be embarrassed about it.

PumpkinPie2016 · 09/12/2024 16:49

Dance teacher massively over reacted and I would definitely have a conversation with her.

Your daughter is 7 for goodness sake, she genuinely didn't know it might be considered rude to use 'she'. The fact that she couldn't answer when the teacher asked what she had called her says it all - she didn't know.

For what it's worth, I teach secondary and when working, sometimes, kids refer to me as 'she' but they are not being rude, it's usually something like 'she said to multiply, not divide'.

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 09/12/2024 16:56

Teacher needs to learn about pronouns! She sounds like she is on a power trip. Your poor dd.

Original poster
Username561 · 09/12/2024 17:20

I have spoken to DD and she says she doesn't want to leave due to missing her friends. She has made very good friends with all of her classmates and they get together often outside of dance at peoples houses for sleepovers and things. Tbh I would say she is closer with the girls at dance than her friends at school. I don't think she wants to be left out of their get togethers if she leaves. However, I am unsure what to do regarding the teacher because DD has asked me to just leave it and I don't want to betray her trust by going behind her back. I would also worry that if anything else happens, she wouldn't tell me out of fear i'd make a fuss or pull her out. However, I strongly feel like I would like to have a word with her!

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 09/12/2024 17:23

That sounds like a huge overreaction from a pompous and rather foolish teacher. It sounds like bullying, to be honest.

From what you have reported that your DD said, I can't even see why it was considered rude at all. I'm really not sure why any woman would object to being called "she" at all. I certainly wouldn't. As a teacher of any sort, if "she" is the worst she ever gets called then she'll be very lucky indeed.

I think you should speak to the "teacher" about this. Check first how her version of events ties in with DDs, and assuming it does then let your displeasure be known. I know your DD doesn't seem to want you to, but it can presumably be done discreetly before the class starts (even by text or email if you prefer).

Do any parents stay and watch the class? If they do then I would attend the next few to get my own feel for things. That would have the effect of letting both your DD and her arse of a teacher know that you have DDs back and don't intend to let this slide or happen again.

Original poster
Username561 · 09/12/2024 17:31

Topseyt123 · 09/12/2024 17:23

That sounds like a huge overreaction from a pompous and rather foolish teacher. It sounds like bullying, to be honest.

From what you have reported that your DD said, I can't even see why it was considered rude at all. I'm really not sure why any woman would object to being called "she" at all. I certainly wouldn't. As a teacher of any sort, if "she" is the worst she ever gets called then she'll be very lucky indeed.

I think you should speak to the "teacher" about this. Check first how her version of events ties in with DDs, and assuming it does then let your displeasure be known. I know your DD doesn't seem to want you to, but it can presumably be done discreetly before the class starts (even by text or email if you prefer).

Do any parents stay and watch the class? If they do then I would attend the next few to get my own feel for things. That would have the effect of letting both your DD and her arse of a teacher know that you have DDs back and don't intend to let this slide or happen again.

Parents aren't allowed in to watch classes. You have to wait in the waiting room. I think I will call her tomorrow and speak over the phone, because if I go before the lesson then DD will know because she'll see me

OP posts:
Victoriancat · 09/12/2024 17:49

SHE certainly sounds like a baggage! I had a teacher like this at school, she chewed any of us out if we called someone she or he

Lufannian · 09/12/2024 17:52

I wouldn’t send her back to be honest. And I’d be explaining why. Don’t pay money to that nut job. I’m sure there are other dance classes.

NewMrsF · 09/12/2024 17:55

I’d ask my daughter if she wanted to find another class.
teacher sound alike a nasty bitch.

Onceachunkymonkey · 09/12/2024 17:57

I’d be pointing out to the teacher. In no uncertain terms, just how rude she was and tell her to learn some manners when speaking to anyone, especially a child. As she was also rude, and more rude, in my opinion.