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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD came home from dance class upset

202 replies

Username561 · 09/12/2024 11:16

My daughter is 7 years old and has been going to dance class for 2 years. She has classes on Saturday mornings and Wednesday evenings. On Saturday, DH went to pick her up and when he got home he told me that she came out of the class with tears in her eyes but wouldn't tell him what was wrong. He dropped it and she was silent in the car on the way home. I spoke to her about it and I managed to get it out of her that her dance teacher upset her.

Basically this is what happened.. her teacher had tasked them with making up their own routine to a piece of music. They all went off by themselves to different parts of the room while they worked on their routine. One of the dance assistants came up to DD and asked how she was getting on DD said "well she said to.." and didn't get any further because the dance teacher overheard her and shouted WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME? The room apparently went silent and all of her classmates turned to look at her. DD didn't know what she had done wrong but felt too scared to say anything so again, the teacher said "what did you just call me then?" and DD spoke up and said she didn't call her anything. The teacher said "you just called me she, how very rude, I think you need teaching some manners" and then basically ignored her the rest of the lesson.

DD explained to me that she didn't know this was rude, and did apologise to the teacher but she felt upset because she was embarrassed and doesn't like being told off.

Immediately I felt angry that someone else had spoken to my child like this and made her cry. I also think that the way it was handled, telling her off in front of her classmates and being cold with her the rest of the lesson was mean. I decided I would speak to the teacher on Wednesday but DD is begging me not to. Do I just leave this? Is this how it is in classrooms and dance lessons? Is it normal? I do understand that saying "she" instead of someone's name can be seen as rude and I have explained why this is to her, but DD is 7 and didn't understand at the time and was made to feel humiliated.

Please could you advise, would you just let this go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Username561 · 09/12/2024 11:57

Thanks everyone for your opinions. DD goes through phases where she enjoys it and then phases where she doesn't. She has asked to leave a few times but because I know that she often enjoys it and don't want her to make rash decisions that she might regret, I say "if you still feel like this next month then you can" and then the month after without fail she loves it again!

I will have a chat to her later about whether she wants to continue, and if she says no I will just pull her out straight away this time. The dance teacher is strict, you aren't allowed to wear nail varnish or have piercings or tattoos or yawn or stand with your arms crossed. You have to answer her with "yes Miss C" instead of just "yes" but I didn't realise she would be a bully.

OP posts:
Printedword · 09/12/2024 11:59

NorthernCat11 · 09/12/2024 11:35

@Username561 I'd remove my own daughter from the class in a heartbeat. Your daughter needs to understand that despite being an authority figure, sometimes adults can behave badly and it's your job to protect her.

Find another dance class - dance teachers are strict, but this one is not the right one for your poor DD.

(Personally, I'd explain why we were leaving loudly in front of the teachers peers - but I'm a bit of an arsehole like that).

I hope your DD is OK x

Basically this, but if there is a more senior person you can air this with privately, I would.

This teacher does not sound like a properly professional teacher. Is she trained?

Additionally, always remember that people you pay for classes have a responsibility to treat your child well and are directly accountable to you.

Your child wasn’t impolite, she didn’t use the teacher’s preferred/expected way of referring to her. The teacher - one the other hand - was very impolite and unprofessional.

Original poster
Username561 · 09/12/2024 12:00

Printedword · 09/12/2024 11:59

Basically this, but if there is a more senior person you can air this with privately, I would.

This teacher does not sound like a properly professional teacher. Is she trained?

Additionally, always remember that people you pay for classes have a responsibility to treat your child well and are directly accountable to you.

Your child wasn’t impolite, she didn’t use the teacher’s preferred/expected way of referring to her. The teacher - one the other hand - was very impolite and unprofessional.

Show quote history

She has two teachers, the one who made the comment is the principal. The other teacher is her daughter. I think she is in her late 60's so that may be why she finds this so rude, as I don't come across it as much these days so maybe it's a generational thing. But still.. I don't think you should talk to children like that. I pay this woman money and she's making DD cry

OP posts:
HappyTwo · 09/12/2024 12:01

I would have a chat with head of dance school - don’t chat with teacher she sounds volitilie. If the kids have not been told teachers preferred pronouns they are not to know

Original poster
Username561 · 09/12/2024 12:02

HappyTwo · 09/12/2024 12:01

I would have a chat with head of dance school - don’t chat with teacher she sounds volitilie. If the kids have not been told teachers preferred pronouns they are not to know

Sorry I should have made it clear but didn't think, she is the head of the dance school, so would have to be her that I speak to.

OP posts:
SharpOpalNewt · 09/12/2024 12:03

I had that with a teacher at school at that age. So out of order as an adult to react like that and humiliate and child.

I would send her an email.

HappyTwo · 09/12/2024 12:04

Username561 · 09/12/2024 12:02

Sorry I should have made it clear but didn't think, she is the head of the dance school, so would have to be her that I speak to.

Show quote history

In that case I would be considering moving dance schools. How is your daughter ever going to relax and enjoy herself with someone who thinks nothing of making a child cry? Sadly not very inspirational.

Printedword · 09/12/2024 12:04

Username561 · 09/12/2024 11:57

Thanks everyone for your opinions. DD goes through phases where she enjoys it and then phases where she doesn't. She has asked to leave a few times but because I know that she often enjoys it and don't want her to make rash decisions that she might regret, I say "if you still feel like this next month then you can" and then the month after without fail she loves it again!

I will have a chat to her later about whether she wants to continue, and if she says no I will just pull her out straight away this time. The dance teacher is strict, you aren't allowed to wear nail varnish or have piercings or tattoos or yawn or stand with your arms crossed. You have to answer her with "yes Miss C" instead of just "yes" but I didn't realise she would be a bully.

Edited

This teacher does not understand how to teach. The nail varnish and body piercing things are safely related but the other stuff is just dinosaur teaching methods straight out of Dickens. As in my previous reply, parents need to remember they pay. I personally wouldn’t pay for my child to be taught in a humiliating way and there is no reason ever to support bad teaching in classes like this. It’s not school, it’s a hobby class.

BeensOnToost · 09/12/2024 12:06

I'd pull DD from the class, telling her she doesn't have to go back. I'd privately go to the next class and speak directly to the teacher and make it clear that I was appalled by the incident, its no way to speak to children, let alone paying clients and that DD will not be returning, nor will you be paying for any more classes with immediate effect as you feel the relationship is irreaparable; she can pursue you through the courts if she so wishes. I'd then leave a short, factual, negative review online.

Printedword · 09/12/2024 12:07

Username561 · 09/12/2024 12:00

She has two teachers, the one who made the comment is the principal. The other teacher is her daughter. I think she is in her late 60's so that may be why she finds this so rude, as I don't come across it as much these days so maybe it's a generational thing. But still.. I don't think you should talk to children like that. I pay this woman money and she's making DD cry

Show quote history

I’m in my 60s - there were hardly any teachers like that in school. Club/hobby teachers didn’t overstep like that at my dance schooling

saveforthat · 09/12/2024 12:09

Is she Abby Lee Miller?

ThatLimeCat · 09/12/2024 12:10

The teacher is a bully.

I had a bully teacher as a child (primary school teacher) and in retrospect, I wish I'd told my parents about it. So it's good your daughter has. I don't know what the solution would have been for me. A talking to from my parents may have sorted the teacher out. I know your daughter is asking you not to but I would talk to the dance teacher.

2dogsandabudgie · 09/12/2024 12:12

I think it's OK to say she if the person's name has already been used. So if your daughter had said "Miss ........ said to do this" and then added "she also said to do this" that's acceptable, but some think it's rude to say she straight off.

I would definitely have a word with the teacher. Your daughter is only 7 and would have no idea about this "rule". It's very old fashioned anyway and comes from a time in the early 1900s. Female cats are known as she and if a woman was called a she cat it was used as an insult so in polite company the word she wasn't used, always the person's name.

Most adults wouldn't even know this, so I think the teacher was nasty to embaress your daughter like that.

Original poster
Username561 · 09/12/2024 12:13

saveforthat · 09/12/2024 12:09

Is she Abby Lee Miller?

hahahah no I don't think she's that bad.. I hope not anyway 😆

OP posts:
JSMill · 09/12/2024 12:13

There's no way I would send my daughter back there. I work with children and if that happened to me, I would correct them by saying, you mean 'Mrs JS Mill'. It's a complete overreaction and unprofessional. Make sure you have a word with this woman before you withdraw your daughter.

Bollihobs · 09/12/2024 12:14

Username561 · 09/12/2024 12:02

Sorry I should have made it clear but didn't think, she is the head of the dance school, so would have to be her that I speak to.

Show quote history

As the principal of the school either she or the school itself must be registered with some form of professional body - you could put your feelings in writing to her and copy them in. Might not result in anything but might make you feel that at least it hasn't been kept completely "in house".

RoachFish · 09/12/2024 12:16

What a self important twat. Since your DD doesn’t love the class anyway I would just let her leave now. She will never feel relaxed around that teacher anyway.

2dogsandabudgie · 09/12/2024 12:18

Also to add that I was humiliated by a teacher in front of the whole class and I've never forgotten it. I want to come and give your daughter a hug myself bless her.

TeenLifeMum · 09/12/2024 12:18

MamaWeasel · 09/12/2024 11:34

Who's she? The cat's mother?

That's what I used to get, if I referred to someone as she. I think your dd's dance teacher has massively overreacted. I would not let this go.

I used to get this too. I didn’t not understand it then and it still doesn’t make a lot of sense. It’s also okay to say “I am she” 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

bonkers. see if dd still enjoys it in a few weeks but consider a different teacher if she’s not.

aCatCalledFawkes · 09/12/2024 12:19

I suppose yes technically you don't refer to people as "she" and my parents probably would of made a comment but the dance teacher sounds like she completely over reacted to speak to her like that. Is she trying to get her to leave or something?

cheddercherry · 09/12/2024 12:24

I don’t agree with notions that because they’re dance teachers it gives them licence to behave like that. It’s totally unacceptable because parents don’t want to make a fuss “because it’s what dance is like” and so it continues on. It isn’t and does a disservice to the great dance teachers out there (of which I’d suggest you find one for your daughter instead). If you do decide to pull her out I would explain exactly why to the principal. Her reaction was totally disproportionate and humiliating and you can correct an innocent genuine mistake without embarrassing a child in front of an entire class. She’s teaching fear, not confidence.

Calliopespa · 09/12/2024 12:27

NorthernCat11 · 09/12/2024 11:29

Referring to someone as 'he' or 'she' within their earshot is impolite - my parents, grandparents and teachers would go mad and shout 'SHE is the cat's mother! Refer to me properly!' 😆

That said, it is inappropriate to speak to a 7 year old like this and it could have been handled much better - a gentle 'Please refer to me as xxx when talking about me in future Eva' for example would have been fine. I'd be upset OP to be honest. Dance teachers are particularly spiky for some reason (I'm a teacher so can confidently state this from many years experience!) but if I were you I'd have a quiet word.

I used to get the “ cat’s mother” thing from my GM as well! I never understood why an unspecified “ she” would indicate a cat of all things, but there you go…

It was not a polite way to speak but 7 year olds also pick their nose, and fart and laugh about it. Not ideal, I’d pull a 7 year old up on it BUT quite honestly op it was such an overreaction it sounds to me as though she was looking for an excuse to blow up at her - either because she’d had a bad day or because she doesn’t like DD,

I think you have to address it with the teacher to try and ascertain which of these it was. Tell her DD is scared for you to speak to her and expressly instruct ask her not to tell dd.

Her response will tell you a lot. Are there othef dance classes locally because I don’t think this sounds a good fit.

Dueanamechange2025 · 09/12/2024 12:29

This teacher does not sound like a properly professional teacher. Is she trained?

Sounds very much like a couple of professional Ballet teachers I’ve encountered!

@Username561 - sounds like a dance teacher / school we used to attend (also mother and daughter interestingly). I took my DD out in the end, unless your kid was the next stage star she was rude and dismissive most of the time. We found another lovely dance school which was totally different.

ForDaringNavyOP · 09/12/2024 12:34

I’d have a quiet word with the dance teacher or do it via email if you don’t want your daughter to know you’ve had the conversation. If she apologises to you/your daughter and it’s a one off then it may have been a mistake/bad day and she handled it badly.

I was a teacher and occasionally did accidentally overreact or misread a situation with a student but would always talk to them separately (especially if they were noticeably upset) and apologise or come to a compromise or whatever. To be honest even if I firmly believed the child was being deliberately rude (which clearly your daughter wasn’t) I’d still have had this conversation with them to try and repair the relationship.

I think as others have said the style of teaching of a dance teacher can be more direct/abrupt I think- probably emulating how they were taught themselves. So, a different dance school may be more enjoyable if there’s a more relaxed one around!

LazyArsedMagician · 09/12/2024 12:38

@HappyTwo it's not about "preferred pronouns" ffs Hmm

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