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Original poster

19 year old daughter moved out?

225 replies

Kf5453 · 08/12/2024 21:13

Hi.Today has been one of the worst of my life. I was hoping for some advice because I really don't know what to do.
It's a long complicated story.

Me and my daughter have been having some trouble for quite some time. I have mostly raised her by myself and have truly tried to support her in everything all through her life. I had a very bad childhood so I have tried to change that. But it feels nothing seems to be enough.
She works and goes to college and very proud of that, but the way she treats me and disrespects me is getting to much for me now. She is putting my two girls in danger. I ask her to do certain chores, washing dishes sometimes, cleaning and sweeping the kitchen, washing the sides down, to wash her own clothes and clean her room, but she completely ignores me. I ask her maybe once a week to pick up some dinner and ask her sometimes to cook a simple dinner, both maybe once a week, even less. I'm trying to teach her life skills, not because I need her to do it. She wants to go uni so I am trying to help her. I tried to show her a routine to follow and told her structure and routine is important, but she didn't care.

She shares a bedroom with her sisters who are 12 and 2. It isn't cramped, the room is spacious but the room is such a state that it looks cramped. She leaves dirty dishes and food in there, she hasn't washed her bedding or clothes in a long time. At one point, she was stealing my underwear and clothes. She leaves vape bottles in there. One time my two year old ingested some of it and I had to take her to hospital. She was OK as she hadn't swallowed much of it thank God. I had told her previously to get rid of it all and not vape in there. The social services got involved. After that happened with my daughter, I told her if I found anything like that again she would have to leave, I threw all of it in the bin.
I offered that she could spend time im my room in the evenings so she could relax and get college work done. I ask her to be quiet when the baby is in bed and she plays loud music and sings and talks loudly to friends on the phone. She has woken the baby up numerous times, she just ignores me. I put in a rule that everything stops by a certain time but doesn't listen. This is going on past 12 at night.
I lend her money when she needs it, she is on a phone contract in my name and ask her to pay me for it, and gives me a 100 a month. I cook and buy her food. There is a lot more going on but can't write everything on here.
We had a big argument earlier as I asked her to pick up some food for dinner and my daughter needed some nappies. I was going to go but the weather is bad and didn't want to take my 2 year old out as I don't drive. I gave her money for taxis and food, and said I would pay for her taxi to work for helping me out. I woke her up at one in the afternoon and said she needed to go soon because the shop closes as its Sunday. She fell back asleep. I woke her up again and she went, but then rang me and said she would have to leave without anything as the lines were long and she had to go to work, so I had to go anyway. She came back and we argued. I told her how she constantly disrespects me and in anger I said I couldn't take it anymore and said if she wants to be an adult then move out and she how hard life is. She packed some stuff and went to her friends and said she's going to the council tomorrow.

I really don't know what to do now, does anyone have any advice? Thank you in advance

OP posts:
whitebreadjamsandwich · 08/12/2024 21:15

Let her crack on!

healthybychristmas · 08/12/2024 21:16

Wow, she is very disrespectful. Good luck to her at the council! I'm sure she'll be top of the list. She sounds like a girl who would look after herself and put herself first so try not to worry. You have two other children to look after and this daughter is old enough to look after herself. I think what she needs is to be told by several different people that her behaviour is really bad. Don't try to stop that happening as she clearly isn't listening to you. When she pisses off all her friends she may well want to come backand it's up to you then to set ground rules. I do think it's time she moved out but that seems to be impossible nowadays. Enjoy the rest while she's away!

LittleRedRidingHoody · 08/12/2024 21:17

Let her do it!

My sister did the same to DM. She left and moved in with me, then on her own, and they had a rough relationship for a few years.

Then my sister gained perspective and processed childhood issues whilst having her space, and together they built a better relationship with healthy boundaries.

Sometimes, despite how painful it is, space is what you need for growth.

lifeturnsonadime · 08/12/2024 21:19

Honestly she's 19. It's time for her to move on.

You'll do her no favours in the long run by having her back. She's an adult. Time for her to take some responsibility.

OrwellianTimes · 08/12/2024 21:21

Why do you want her to stay?

She’s an adult, she needs to get out get her own space and find her own feet.

DiduAye · 08/12/2024 21:22

Change the locks Put yourself and your two small children first Madam will be just fine and life lessons will or won't be learned but that's on her !

Yellowbananasarebetterthangreen · 08/12/2024 21:22

Im not condoning her awful behaviour at all but at 19yo sharing with a 12yo would be totally not ideal, even more so with a 2yo as well. Is her behaviour in part due to resentment of the 2yo, annoyance at having to share with a little child which obviously wasnt her choice? Yes she can move out at 19 but presumably she will feel forced out rather than choosing too?

MerryChristmasYaFilthyAnimals · 08/12/2024 21:22

Where's the 2 year olds dad? Why couldn't he go out for food and nappies?

I get she's being disrespectful, but you had another baby when she was 17 and expected three of them to share. Your life choices made her life much more difficult. I think her being on her own and forging her own way is best for all of you and hopefully she will realise how much you did care and you can come back together soon.

Muthaofcats · 08/12/2024 21:23

19 is pretty young to be fair, must have been hard on her you having another baby and having zero space for herself in the flat.
I think many teenagers can be selfish, it’s a really hard time for a young person and particularly to be that age now. If she’s ambitious and wanting to study but must be hard with the home life she has and sounds like you ask a lot of her. I think you’ve got to help support her a bit more. I’m shocked at the posts telling you to abandon her.
if you let her become homeless you’re making her chances of uni and a future much harder. I’d be doing all I could to help facilitate her leaving in an empowered way (uni) rather than like this.

NerrSnerr · 08/12/2024 21:24

It's mad that the three are sharing- I wouldn't it be better for the 1 year old to be in with you- especially after the vape incident?

Muthaofcats · 08/12/2024 21:25

DiduAye · 08/12/2024 21:22

Change the locks Put yourself and your two small children first Madam will be just fine and life lessons will or won't be learned but that's on her !

Gosh you sound delightful

Original poster
Kf5453 · 08/12/2024 21:25

It's a difficult decision when it's comes to your children, but I really don't think I can take getting walked on any longer. It's really affecting my mental health, I just feel downtrodden all the time. She doesn't listen to a word I say. I think I will leave her to her own devices for a while and see how she fares. None of my other children all like this, it's just her. It's just sad as I didn't raise her this way. Thank you for your kind replies and advice

OP posts:
Muthaofcats · 08/12/2024 21:27

NerrSnerr · 08/12/2024 21:24

It's mad that the three are sharing- I wouldn't it be better for the 1 year old to be in with you- especially after the vape incident?

Sleeping, vaping and messiness are pretty standard teen behaviour.
she’s actually a YP who works and has aspirations!

worriedhidinginplainsight · 08/12/2024 21:28

Does she does much babysitting for the 2 year old?

NerrSnerr · 08/12/2024 21:29

@Muthaofcats what you said is true. I still think it's mad that the 2 year old is sharing with their older siblings- especially after they were put in danger drinking vape fluid when they could share with their mum.

Anotherworrier · 08/12/2024 21:30

I actually feel for her. She’s not the other parent.

Muthaofcats · 08/12/2024 21:30

Kf5453 · 08/12/2024 21:25

It's a difficult decision when it's comes to your children, but I really don't think I can take getting walked on any longer. It's really affecting my mental health, I just feel downtrodden all the time. She doesn't listen to a word I say. I think I will leave her to her own devices for a while and see how she fares. None of my other children all like this, it's just her. It's just sad as I didn't raise her this way. Thank you for your kind replies and advice

Your other children are 12 and 2?
I think turning your back on her now because she wouldn’t run errands for you without being late for work doesn’t reflect too well on you tbh…
Are you sure you’re not projecting some of your own childhood trauma onto her?

Autumn38 · 08/12/2024 21:30

To be honest I sort of feel for your daughter. She is 19 and having to share her bedroom with two children, one of whom is basically a baby.

im guessing your time is pretty stretched too - how much time do you make for her? How much of your totally undivided attention has she had over the years and now?

When I was 19 I was still such a child. I lived in the family home and had my meals cooked for me. My mum might have asked me to pick up milk and keep my room tidy but that was about it. I also got a lot of my parent’s time still - and definitely still needed it. Yes I was very respectful of my parents and my family home but that might have been because I was having all my practical and emotional needs met (basically my parents pretended to my face they thought I was a grown up but basically looked after me like I was a child 😂)

is there a danger that you are expecting her to be more grown up than she is because comparatively she is older than your other children. Are you expecting her to be a support to you in your raising of your other daughters? Might it feel like that to her? Might she feel she comes second (or third) to them?

Octavia64 · 08/12/2024 21:32

You are very overcrowded.

Having a 19,12 and 2 year old in the same room is a recipe for disaster.

People I know in similar situations have put sofa beds in the lounge.

Sounds like she is better off away from your house. If she is earning she will be able to find somewhere to live where she isn't sharing with a 2 year old.

Workingthroughit · 08/12/2024 21:33

She is a grown woman sharing a room with a toddler. That was never going to work.
3 kids with such massive age gaps - neither was that.

pooballs · 08/12/2024 21:33

MerryChristmasYaFilthyAnimals · 08/12/2024 21:22

Where's the 2 year olds dad? Why couldn't he go out for food and nappies?

I get she's being disrespectful, but you had another baby when she was 17 and expected three of them to share. Your life choices made her life much more difficult. I think her being on her own and forging her own way is best for all of you and hopefully she will realise how much you did care and you can come back together soon.

Agree, if I was approaching 20 and sharing my room with a toddler and preteen I’d want to get out asap regardless of any other issues.

RampantIvy · 08/12/2024 21:34

NerrSnerr · 08/12/2024 21:29

@Muthaofcats what you said is true. I still think it's mad that the 2 year old is sharing with their older siblings- especially after they were put in danger drinking vape fluid when they could share with their mum.

I agree. No 19 year old wants to share with a toddler. I assume she is doing A levels or similar if she is planning on going to university. She probably needs a bit more space and privacy to study somewhere quiet.

I would move the two year old back in with you until your DD goes to university.

RampantIvy · 08/12/2024 21:34

NerrSnerr · 08/12/2024 21:29

@Muthaofcats what you said is true. I still think it's mad that the 2 year old is sharing with their older siblings- especially after they were put in danger drinking vape fluid when they could share with their mum.

I agree. No 19 year old wants to share with a toddler. I assume she is doing A levels or similar if she is planning on going to university. She probably needs a bit more space and privacy to study somewhere quiet.

I would move the two year old back in with you until your DD goes to university.

RampantIvy · 08/12/2024 21:35

No idea why that posted twice Blush

ExtraOnions · 08/12/2024 21:35

Your 19 year old is not a surrogate parent for your children.
She’s at college, and has a job .. both good things.
She pays you rent of £100 a month .. unless I’ve read it wrongly
Like most young people of that age, she wants to listen to music, and talk to her friends, which is not unreasonable

The 2 year is should be in with you.

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