19 year old daughter moved out?

[Kf5453]

Hi.Today has been one of the worst of my life. I was hoping for some advice because I really don't know what to do.
It's a long complicated story.

Me and my daughter have been having some trouble for quite some time. I have mostly raised her by myself and have truly tried to support her in everything all through her life. I had a very bad childhood so I have tried to change that. But it feels nothing seems to be enough.
She works and goes to college and very proud of that, but the way she treats me and disrespects me is getting to much for me now. She is putting my two girls in danger. I ask her to do certain chores, washing dishes sometimes, cleaning and sweeping the kitchen, washing the sides down, to wash her own clothes and clean her room, but she completely ignores me. I ask her maybe once a week to pick up some dinner and ask her sometimes to cook a simple dinner, both maybe once a week, even less. I'm trying to teach her life skills, not because I need her to do it. She wants to go uni so I am trying to help her. I tried to show her a routine to follow and told her structure and routine is important, but she didn't care.

She shares a bedroom with her sisters who are 12 and 2. It isn't cramped, the room is spacious but the room is such a state that it looks cramped. She leaves dirty dishes and food in there, she hasn't washed her bedding or clothes in a long time. At one point, she was stealing my underwear and clothes. She leaves vape bottles in there. One time my two year old ingested some of it and I had to take her to hospital. She was OK as she hadn't swallowed much of it thank God. I had told her previously to get rid of it all and not vape in there. The social services got involved. After that happened with my daughter, I told her if I found anything like that again she would have to leave, I threw all of it in the bin.
I offered that she could spend time im my room in the evenings so she could relax and get college work done. I ask her to be quiet when the baby is in bed and she plays loud music and sings and talks loudly to friends on the phone. She has woken the baby up numerous times, she just ignores me. I put in a rule that everything stops by a certain time but doesn't listen. This is going on past 12 at night.
I lend her money when she needs it, she is on a phone contract in my name and ask her to pay me for it, and gives me a 100 a month. I cook and buy her food. There is a lot more going on but can't write everything on here.
We had a big argument earlier as I asked her to pick up some food for dinner and my daughter needed some nappies. I was going to go but the weather is bad and didn't want to take my 2 year old out as I don't drive. I gave her money for taxis and food, and said I would pay for her taxi to work for helping me out. I woke her up at one in the afternoon and said she needed to go soon because the shop closes as its Sunday. She fell back asleep. I woke her up again and she went, but then rang me and said she would have to leave without anything as the lines were long and she had to go to work, so I had to go anyway. She came back and we argued. I told her how she constantly disrespects me and in anger I said I couldn't take it anymore and said if she wants to be an adult then move out and she how hard life is. She packed some stuff and went to her friends and said she's going to the council tomorrow.

I really don't know what to do now, does anyone have any advice? Thank you in advance

Just because you had to co-parent a sibling growing up doesn't mean it's what we consider healthy now. It's great your family got along ok with the arrangement you had, but there's also generational norms to consider here. It was more accepted in older generations.

I had much younger half siblings and when I visited my dad and his family I was expected to "give them a break". I resented having the younger two dropped on me from the minute I walked in the door, age 13 and upwards, and didn't want to visit much. Predictably got called selfish and bratty, families help each other, that's normal, etc. But I never got to do any normal teenage stuff when I was there. I wouldn't have minded helping with them a bit, but everything revolved around them. As it does when they're little. But pre teens and teens should not be getting up in the night changing nappies.

I really think you should never have put the two year old in with the other girls - and as soon as the vape situation happened you should have moved the toddler back in with you.

I think you've put your DD in quite a difficult living situation

Your other children aren’t teenagers yet? Presumably she wasn’t like this at 12 or 2.

It is probably hard to get perspective when you yourself had a tough upbringing but, thinking back to your childhood, were you 3 or more to a room? How would/did you feel about sharing with a much younger sibling while working and studying?

At 19, it may well be better for her to move out and have space to herself and you shouldn't have to feel disrespected and trodden on but if you are honest with yourself, and want a different life for your kids to what you had, are the circumstances your kids are growing up in helping them to respect you and others and to get on in life?

It may be worth contacting your local family hub and doing one of their free parenting courses about living with teens as in all likelihood you will be facing the same problems soon with the 12 year old and it sounds like you genuinely want to give your kids a good upbringing and have good relationships going forward.

Evan though your eldest daughter is now moving out and will be learning all the hard lessons for herself, you will still have to try and build bridges at some point in the future.

it's not the 19 year old daughter that's the problem here tbf is it though @Ageisjustanumb3r

@Kf5453 is totally guilty of poor decision making and all the children are suffering 😞

I guess so. I'm in my early 60s and it definitely was not an expectation that I should do any of the parenting of my younger siblings! My dad was one of an assortment of DC and cousins, 13 in a small house. He would be in his 100th year so I don't think I am too far off the mark.

Social services would be all over that now. Back then it was the reality and partly due to the kindness of my grandparents who took in motherless children.

lol I bet your basement was bigger than their entire flat.

your closet is probably bigger than many UK people's kitchens.

the mum is trying to treat the 19 year old as a co-parent, not a sibling. she should be looking after them all properly, not expecting her teenager to go out in a taxi to do the food shop alone because she doesn't want to go

Also if shes at college studying full-time AND working on top of that why on earth shouldn’t be able to stay in bed on a Sunday, especially one where she is working later on in the day? Why should that be interrupted with taxi-ing to shops because her mum hasn’t bothered getting nappies in for her baby or food in for her children despite not driving and a bad storm
forecast. I’d be pissed off too.

need advise from any parents with young kids my 9month old has suddenly started hating her cot a night almost as if she’s scared of it but will go down for day naps without any issues

looking for suggestions on how we can help her
she has been in her cot since 3/4 months so it’s not a new thing and she has a projector and sounds ect

For the love of god don’t put the baby in with your 19 yo… beyond that starting you own thread would be best for getting answers

If this is a genuine thread my sympathy is with the 19 year old.

Maybe you and your 19 year old should change beds so you sleep in with your two younger daughter and she has a room of her own … or she has your room and you sleep on the sofa bed downstairs.
You made a mistake falling pregnant and she by disrespecting you. Could you not make up as she still needs a stable environment to study for college. If she still going there.

Wages have not doubled in the last 20 years unlike the rents you quote. Not even close. So yes the housing market has changed a lot and you are massively out of touch.
And as for needing a full-time job, we'll I guess she should just forget about studying and saving for uni then.

No imagination there at all?

19 year old is an adult and shouldn't be sharing with 2 young siblings. Your house simply isn't big enough, maybe moving out will be the making of her.

You shouldn't expect her to be running around picking up shopping for you either, that your job or kids Dad's job.

She sounds like a young adult who needs some space and independence. On the one hand, she's an adult an expected to do chores and contribute but on the other. She's rooming with a 2 year old.

It's a tricky age - legally an adult but still a teen. Give her some space, your relationship may well improve. If she comes back, hopefully it'll be on a slightly different footing.

Totally unreasonable of you to have expected her to share a bedroom with a 2 year old for so long. The 2 year old should have been in your room.

The housing crisis and costs of mortgages and rent is nothing new here. It was totally unreasonable of you to have a third child knowing all 3 siblings would have had to share. 2 years ago, your eldest would have been 17 so too young to move out and support herself financially.

Totally unreasonable of you to expect her to go out and buy nappies. That is YOUR responsibility.

Hopefully she does move out for her own sake, finding somewhere safe. She must be feel smothered.

Do we know how the OP 'fell pregnant'?

Jeez, there's some horrible posts on here

Cry me a river? @AnnoyedAsAllHeck

It's admirable!! that you've been unaffected by the poor choices of your parents 🤦‍♂️

Surely as parents we should be trying, our utmost, to ensure that our children's lives are an improvement on our own?

@Grammarnut yes exactly I agree with you. Im not advocating aborting a healthy child either. But the obvious consequence of having sex is at that at some point a pregnancy will occur. If for some reason not willing or able to raise that child then imho dont be having sex. Dont get pregnant and then say "oh dear, ooopsie me, how did that happen?!" which is what the op appears to be saying!

This - let her go and build up your relationship as two adults respecting each other but not being in each others space. She needs to go and you need to let her and support her with it

With a 19 year old a 12 year old and a 2 year old sharing a room it was never going to work. The 19 year old sounds disrespectful and should be doing her own laundry and cooking a family meal once a week but she shouldn't have to run around fetching nappies for the 2 year old. You are the Mum and chose to have another DC knowing there was not really space to it another dc, not her. Now she's moved out she will have to sort herself out. She won't get council accommodation she'll have to look for a room in a house. She might like it because she'll at least have her own room. It will be easier for you with only 2 DC to look after at home. Your 19 year old may feel pushed out by the 2 year old.

Your other children are 12 and 2, - yet you blame your 19 yo for not being as obedient. Try asking the other two to do your chores?

I'm really not surprised she's moved out, it sounds like a nightmare situation, sharing with two young children and you on at her to do this that and the other when she's trying to work and study for her future.

Yes. I have inferred that this was not a contraception failure, given the OP won't discuss "how or why" she came to have another baby. It took longer than I expected to get to the posts implying OP should have kept her legs shut, though.

This thread is such a sad read.

I’m really not trying to be horrible OP but I feel sorry for your children.

If your 19 year old stays/ comes back you MUST change these sleeping arrangements. I would get the sofa bed fixed/ get a new one and you sleep on that. Give the box room to your 19 year old and put some sort of divider in the big room with your two and 12 year old.

P.S. I note zero criticism of the men who fathered these children and who have obviously abdicated their responsibilities.