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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

19 year old daughter moved out?

225 replies

Kf5453 · 08/12/2024 21:13

Hi.Today has been one of the worst of my life. I was hoping for some advice because I really don't know what to do.
It's a long complicated story.

Me and my daughter have been having some trouble for quite some time. I have mostly raised her by myself and have truly tried to support her in everything all through her life. I had a very bad childhood so I have tried to change that. But it feels nothing seems to be enough.
She works and goes to college and very proud of that, but the way she treats me and disrespects me is getting to much for me now. She is putting my two girls in danger. I ask her to do certain chores, washing dishes sometimes, cleaning and sweeping the kitchen, washing the sides down, to wash her own clothes and clean her room, but she completely ignores me. I ask her maybe once a week to pick up some dinner and ask her sometimes to cook a simple dinner, both maybe once a week, even less. I'm trying to teach her life skills, not because I need her to do it. She wants to go uni so I am trying to help her. I tried to show her a routine to follow and told her structure and routine is important, but she didn't care.

She shares a bedroom with her sisters who are 12 and 2. It isn't cramped, the room is spacious but the room is such a state that it looks cramped. She leaves dirty dishes and food in there, she hasn't washed her bedding or clothes in a long time. At one point, she was stealing my underwear and clothes. She leaves vape bottles in there. One time my two year old ingested some of it and I had to take her to hospital. She was OK as she hadn't swallowed much of it thank God. I had told her previously to get rid of it all and not vape in there. The social services got involved. After that happened with my daughter, I told her if I found anything like that again she would have to leave, I threw all of it in the bin.
I offered that she could spend time im my room in the evenings so she could relax and get college work done. I ask her to be quiet when the baby is in bed and she plays loud music and sings and talks loudly to friends on the phone. She has woken the baby up numerous times, she just ignores me. I put in a rule that everything stops by a certain time but doesn't listen. This is going on past 12 at night.
I lend her money when she needs it, she is on a phone contract in my name and ask her to pay me for it, and gives me a 100 a month. I cook and buy her food. There is a lot more going on but can't write everything on here.
We had a big argument earlier as I asked her to pick up some food for dinner and my daughter needed some nappies. I was going to go but the weather is bad and didn't want to take my 2 year old out as I don't drive. I gave her money for taxis and food, and said I would pay for her taxi to work for helping me out. I woke her up at one in the afternoon and said she needed to go soon because the shop closes as its Sunday. She fell back asleep. I woke her up again and she went, but then rang me and said she would have to leave without anything as the lines were long and she had to go to work, so I had to go anyway. She came back and we argued. I told her how she constantly disrespects me and in anger I said I couldn't take it anymore and said if she wants to be an adult then move out and she how hard life is. She packed some stuff and went to her friends and said she's going to the council tomorrow.

I really don't know what to do now, does anyone have any advice? Thank you in advance

OP posts:
Suzuki76 · 08/12/2024 22:11

The absolute oldest that a child should be expected to share with a toddler is primary age. I'm assuming at one point it was a 17 year old in with an under-1?

If you'd started a chores routine before the toddler came along (and had had a less intense one for the 12 year old) she might feel less like she was having to be co-adult in a household with 2 children.

Unicorntearsofgin · 08/12/2024 22:11

I’m sorry OP I really don’t mean this to be harsh but the nappies and responsibilities for your younger children lie with you. She shouldn’t be having to do your life admin especially if she is trying to study.

Plus the three of them together is madness. I echo the comments that the two year old with you would be far better.

She is completely out of line with the disrespect but could this be frustration that she feels about the lack of space and time.

AGoingConcern · 08/12/2024 22:12

The current arrangement is harmful to all three of your daughters and you. Her moving out is absolutely the correct route, though I know it doesn’t feel good.

Don’t let her move back in. Offer advisory help only (not financial & don’t do it for her) navigating the process to be housed and tell her you think that living as an independent adult will be the right step for her.

CrazyGoatLady · 08/12/2024 22:13

It's not good that she's been disrespectful and unpleasant towards you, but it does sound like your 19 year old is likely acting out because she's been parentified. You don't drive, didn't want to go out in bad weather, but expected her to go get the 2 y o's stuff and be late for work.

It's completely unreasonable for a 19 y o to be sharing a room with a 12 and 2 y o. She can't have a 19 y o life living like that. Let her go and live elsewhere. You don't actually have a suitable home for her.

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 08/12/2024 22:13

Op, I don’t want to come across harsh to your situation-but you can’t expect a 19 year old, a 12 year old and a 2 year old to share. A 19 year old needs her privacy, not to be sharing a room with a toddler!

TunipTheVegimal24 · 08/12/2024 22:14

Even though it must feel scary for you atm, your daughter, and your relationship with your daughter, will probably improve with her standing on her own two feet. 19 isn't a baby, she'll be fine x

user1473878824 · 08/12/2024 22:14

Yellowbananasarebetterthangreen · 08/12/2024 21:22

Im not condoning her awful behaviour at all but at 19yo sharing with a 12yo would be totally not ideal, even more so with a 2yo as well. Is her behaviour in part due to resentment of the 2yo, annoyance at having to share with a little child which obviously wasnt her choice? Yes she can move out at 19 but presumably she will feel forced out rather than choosing too?

I’d have been sleeping in the living room for years before this for her to have her own room. That’s completely untenable and unfair on all of them. 12 and 2 is hardly ideal either.

Alchemillas · 08/12/2024 22:14

If you don't drive can't you get a weekly delivery so you have enough food and nappies for the week?
Why are you in your own room and your dd with a baby and child?
If she wants to go to uni is she doing A levels? It's not normal for kids to move out and support themselves during A levels. It's not the same as moving into uni accommodation with a student loan. I'm sure someone will pipe up that they were married with kids and a mortgage at 19 and didn’t need no education but times have changed
At one point, she was stealing my underwear and clothes.
That's not normal to want to wear your mum's underwear. Did she not have enough money for clothes at the time?

MJconfessions · 08/12/2024 22:15

Sorry for all the posts but reading though everything again, I just think you’re playing the victim OP. She’s not allowed to do normal teenage things like sleep in on a Sunday before work, have a messy room, talk to friends on the phone, sing or listen to music? She doesn’t have a quiet space to study? Her life is completely dictated by you and the baby? You make her pay you £100 per month? She has to share a room with 2 siblings including a baby?

I actually think if she was posting her perspective, people may think you are abusive. It really is a bad situation for her. The dynamic is completely off here. I don’t particularly have great parents but I was certainly given the freedom to be a teen, shown love and affection and treated like I was an important member of the household - not the lowest priority. My parents were actually interested in my happiness.

Original poster
Kf5453 · 08/12/2024 22:15

I did not choose to have another child.
I do not make my older daughter do anything for my younger children. I do that. She does not co parent. She doesn't babysit. I wouldn't expect her to do anything like that. I take my younger children to school and pick them up. I take them to all of their extracurricular activities, through the week and weekends. I don't ask any of that. I cook for them I put them to bed and read to them. I ask once a week or less for my daughter to do her own responsibilities and cook and pick up shopping. The last time she hadn't cooked, cleaned or do her own responsibilities for two weeks. I don't ask her to cook multiple times a week or go shopping multiple times a week. I had asked the night before and asked if she had time and if it would be OK. She said yes. I never force her ever. Yeah you are probably right about the bedroom situation. I have a sofa bed downstairs where there is a TV where I said she could sleep. I have even let her sleep in my bedroom but she broke my bed. I am in a tiny box room. They have the biggest room.

OP posts:
DazedAndConfused321 · 08/12/2024 22:17

It sounds like your home life isn't suitable to her- she's got a lot to deal with with her living conditions and maybe she needs her own space. Let her, but always offer an open door if she changes her mind.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 08/12/2024 22:17

You should sleep in the living room, repair the bed, give the 19 year old the box room, and have the youngest two share. That’s the fairest solution.

MJconfessions · 08/12/2024 22:18

@Kf5453 sorry but you’re naive if you don’t think it’s a major responsibility to share your bedroom with a baby. If the baby fusses, she is the one who has to attend to the baby. She has no private space. It’s a huge mental load to put on a teenager.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 08/12/2024 22:18

It’s for the best she’s moved out. A 19 year old shouldn’t be sharing with a 2 year old

Jl2014 · 08/12/2024 22:19

What’s the man situation here. Do all 3 children have the same dad? Have they been present? Are there more children than the 3 mentioned? Has she been collateral damage for multiple broken relationships of yours? Seems pretty weird to expect her to share a room with a 12 year old and 2 year old. What sort of stability and home life have you created for your children? Doesn’t sound promising from the shreds of information given. Perhaps it’s time to point the magnifying glass inwards.

LostittoBostik · 08/12/2024 22:19

It will be better for all of you if she does manage to find somewhere of her own now. Whether that's likely given the state of the housing situation I don't know.

If she does go, please take the 2yo into your room and give your 12 year old her space

Katbum · 08/12/2024 22:21

It sounds as if you are expecting a lot of a teenager who sounds as if she has had a pretty unsettled life - two siblings born (to different partners) with huge gaps, space at a premium, working, college and expected to pay her way, do a lot of housework, act in some ways as a partner to her mum (getting nappies etc) but not having any space to be an adolescent (and yes be disgusting and do things such as sexually explore her own body). The whole set up sounds chaotic and not good for anyone. It’s probably best OP that she finds somewhere else to live if she can, but if she does come back I think you need to be realistic about the fact you have created a not very nice home life and do something about that. Like why do you have your own room and she doesn’t - she didn’t ask for two much younger siblings and needs space to study. You are being unreasonable here

Original poster
Kf5453 · 08/12/2024 22:21

I will never say she can't stay here, this is her home and will always be welcome.

OP posts:
DreadPirateRobots · 08/12/2024 22:22

Whatever the rights and wrongs, and I'm sure all of us have our views on that, the fact is that you cannot house her suitably and offer any kind of quality of life. It is most likely best for everyone if she moves out. If she is able to get settled, you should give the 12yo the box room and move in with the baby.

ttcat37 · 08/12/2024 22:22

You can’t expect her to stay and share a room with a 2 and 12 year old. It’s not even fair for the 12 year old to share with a 2 year old. The 2 year old should be in with you. Anyway. Your eldest is an adult, this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She doesn’t want to live by your rules, and is moving out. Your relationship will be better once she’s got a new home sorted elsewhere.

rainbowunicorn · 08/12/2024 22:23

You should be the one downstairs in the livingroom and she should be in the box room where she can get some peace and privacy.

suburburban · 08/12/2024 22:25

Yellowbananasarebetterthangreen · 08/12/2024 21:22

Im not condoning her awful behaviour at all but at 19yo sharing with a 12yo would be totally not ideal, even more so with a 2yo as well. Is her behaviour in part due to resentment of the 2yo, annoyance at having to share with a little child which obviously wasnt her choice? Yes she can move out at 19 but presumably she will feel forced out rather than choosing too?

Yes awful for your dd

CarrotPencil · 08/12/2024 22:25

She’s probably fucking miserable having to share with a 2 year old. No excuse but it’s probably best for everyone! I didn’t grow up until I moved out (wasn’t as bad as your dd though!)

Katbum · 08/12/2024 22:25

Kf5453 · 08/12/2024 22:21

I will never say she can't stay here, this is her home and will always be welcome.

Doesn’t sound much of a home OP. Reflection on what you are doing to your poor kids is needed.

NimbleNewt · 08/12/2024 22:26

This is a shit situation for everyone.