19 year old daughter moved out?

[Kf5453]

Hi.Today has been one of the worst of my life. I was hoping for some advice because I really don't know what to do.
It's a long complicated story.

Me and my daughter have been having some trouble for quite some time. I have mostly raised her by myself and have truly tried to support her in everything all through her life. I had a very bad childhood so I have tried to change that. But it feels nothing seems to be enough.
She works and goes to college and very proud of that, but the way she treats me and disrespects me is getting to much for me now. She is putting my two girls in danger. I ask her to do certain chores, washing dishes sometimes, cleaning and sweeping the kitchen, washing the sides down, to wash her own clothes and clean her room, but she completely ignores me. I ask her maybe once a week to pick up some dinner and ask her sometimes to cook a simple dinner, both maybe once a week, even less. I'm trying to teach her life skills, not because I need her to do it. She wants to go uni so I am trying to help her. I tried to show her a routine to follow and told her structure and routine is important, but she didn't care.

She shares a bedroom with her sisters who are 12 and 2. It isn't cramped, the room is spacious but the room is such a state that it looks cramped. She leaves dirty dishes and food in there, she hasn't washed her bedding or clothes in a long time. At one point, she was stealing my underwear and clothes. She leaves vape bottles in there. One time my two year old ingested some of it and I had to take her to hospital. She was OK as she hadn't swallowed much of it thank God. I had told her previously to get rid of it all and not vape in there. The social services got involved. After that happened with my daughter, I told her if I found anything like that again she would have to leave, I threw all of it in the bin.
I offered that she could spend time im my room in the evenings so she could relax and get college work done. I ask her to be quiet when the baby is in bed and she plays loud music and sings and talks loudly to friends on the phone. She has woken the baby up numerous times, she just ignores me. I put in a rule that everything stops by a certain time but doesn't listen. This is going on past 12 at night.
I lend her money when she needs it, she is on a phone contract in my name and ask her to pay me for it, and gives me a 100 a month. I cook and buy her food. There is a lot more going on but can't write everything on here.
We had a big argument earlier as I asked her to pick up some food for dinner and my daughter needed some nappies. I was going to go but the weather is bad and didn't want to take my 2 year old out as I don't drive. I gave her money for taxis and food, and said I would pay for her taxi to work for helping me out. I woke her up at one in the afternoon and said she needed to go soon because the shop closes as its Sunday. She fell back asleep. I woke her up again and she went, but then rang me and said she would have to leave without anything as the lines were long and she had to go to work, so I had to go anyway. She came back and we argued. I told her how she constantly disrespects me and in anger I said I couldn't take it anymore and said if she wants to be an adult then move out and she how hard life is. She packed some stuff and went to her friends and said she's going to the council tomorrow.

I really don't know what to do now, does anyone have any advice? Thank you in advance

I very much doubt the 19 yo will be coming back. I certainly wouldn't.

Fwiw Im full of criticism for the absent "fathers" in situations like this. 100%. But ultimately its the women that get left holding the babies isnt it.

I’d imagine if any of the fathers had written they’d get their share of criticism. But as the saying goes it takes two.

Haven't read the full thread but I moved out when I was 18 and sharing a room with my 15 year old brother and 13 year old sister. My parents were doing their best but I genuinely couldn't cope a moment longer.

She's 19 and in a situation I'm sure she doesn't want to be in, let her go and live her life. My relationship with my parents improved massively after I moved out. I hope this can be the same for you.

As someone who shared a bedroom growing up, those age gaps for sharing are pretty harsh on everyone.

2 year olds can’t respect boundaries so your 19 year old effectively didn’t have her own private space. Why wasn’t the 2 year old in with you until 19 year old left home?

I meant zero criticism by OP @Kf5453

Why aren't you on the sofa bed and she should be in your bedroom ?
At 19 she is an adult, and should not be sharing with a 2 year old that is not even her child.

Yes, and the responsibility then falls upon the mother, it isn't devolved upon the eldest daughter to mop up her parents' mess.

Ignore this Op unless you want no relationship with your daughter for the rest of her life. She hasn’t actually done anything wrong here. She’s unlikely to want to come home tbh, but she will still want her mum.

@ByQuaintAzureWasp Dont make such brain dead suggestions that will massively impact other peoples lives. fgs think!

My mum used to say to me never to have children unless you’re prepared to do all of the parenting.

I had a completely absent father and a useless stepfather.

When I was young I thought it meant that women are always left to do the child rearing without help because men are rubbish (and it put me off children). As I got older and had more life experience I realised she meant that you can’t make a man be a good parent if they don’t want to be one, so if will be down to the woman if they make a bad choice so don’t have children if you can’t deal with that reality.

The fathers aren’t completely absent as OP mentions the younger 2 stay with their dads

To be honest there's right and wrong on both sides here. It sounds as though you have done lots for her (which is the job of a parent) but you expect a lot in return.
It's not her responsibility to go out to pick up nappies etc if you were giving her money for taxis why didnt you just go in the taxi?
We were 3 siblings with similar age gap and shared bedroom - but my mum kept the youngest in her room until they were school age realising it was unfair to expect teenagers to share with a baby it's a set up that can't work.
Let her go to the council she's not too young to be independent or do you want to keep her at home as you realise how much you rely on her?

Absolutely this👍

How a 12 and 19 year old can be expected to share and actually sleep with a baby is absolutely crazy.

Why aren’t you sharing with your baby who is is absolutely your responsibility it would be bad enough for your 2 year old and 12 year old dear god I feel sorry for them all not for you though not one bit your kids must all be exhausted poor kids

Where are the deadbeat dads in all of this? Sorry I’m on your 19 YO DD side in this. Sharing a room with a 2 YO and 12 YO? Nope! Good that she’s prioritised her job over your errands and what sound like attempts to parentify her.

No but OP did say I did not plan on having another baby. I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was 4 months, it was a very upsetting time. I won't discuss how or why. But things happen sometimes out of your control

And that post is enough to expect those people banging on about OP having a third child to pipe down.

This. I feel for her actually. Sharing with a 2 yr old. It's not great.

aye right, numpty 🤦‍♂️

Given the age gaps (and seemingly different father for the younger 2), is there a chance you had your daughter at, or around, the same age she is now? Could this be shaping your expectations and issues?

I understand if so, my children are now at the age where I had already moved out, married and purchased my first house. Watching them live a completely different and carefree existence in a house we fund is a confusing mix of frustration and joy. As a family we laughingly count the amount of times “at your age I…” is uttered!

I don’t want to criticise you but my reasons for moving out young sound very much like hers. I have a decent relationship with my parents now but they definitely grew up with each subsequent child. Our youngest sibling was practically wrapped in cotton wool and bathed in a golden light and whilst living in the house I was expected to treat them as such too!

@AnnoyedAsAllHeck “OMG! The babying of a 19-year-old on this thread is funny as heck.”

Its the complete opposite of babying to suggest a 19 year old shouldn’t be sharing with a 2 year old or sharing parental responsibility. Appropriate chores are fine of course, but I don’t see anyone saying otherwise so I’m not sure what your point is?

Are you working? I think you should be swapping rooms with 19 year old until she moves out personally.

The two year old is YOUR baby not your 19 year old daughter’s. As everyone else has said baby should be in with you at the very minimum. This is so sad for your eldest that she’s had to endure this. Heartbreaking honestly.

I tend to agree with this. The 19 year old really shouldn't have to share with the 2 year old, but there is nothing wrong with her sharing with a 12 year old - plenty of people have done that. As for OP expecting too much from her in other respects - what rubbish. I was helping with housework when I was still at school, and was out working full time three weeks after I turned 16. Posters talking about a 19 year old as though she is a child and should have to do nothing other than exactly what she wants No wonder there are so many entitled young people these days if that is how their parents treat them! I was still living at home at 19, but was paying my way and pulling my weight, and didn't rely on my parents to fulfil my emotional needs as a pp stated, and certainly didn't consider myself a "child".

Unless you are standing alongside your daughter showing her how to do things / teaching her how to cook then you’re not ‘teaching her life skills’. She would learn soon enough once she’s living on her own what is required, seems either a red herring that you are doing it only for her benefit, or an unnecessary focus whilst she’s also studying and working. Wouldn’t it make more sense for you to let her have a portion of whatever you’re making for the younger kids anyway and prioritising her time for study or even, heaven forbid, fun!?

I note how you completely dodge every comment asking why you moved your 2 year old out of your room. You could even be co sleeping at her age; and if a baby drinks vape fluid that’s because YOU arent supervising her.

every post you write describing the set up makes me feel so suffocated and panicky; I hope the majority of the comments have helped you reflect and that you send an olive branch to your daughter. Stop focusing on ‘disrespect ‘ and didactic life lessons and maybe prioritise being her mum and showing her some love?

I'm afraid that I agree with PP's, your DD has had enough of the situation and I can't really blame her. My DD is also 19 and while she does share a room at university to save money, she wouldn't want to share with a toddler. Yes, your DD is being bolshy and disrespectful, but it's not surprising. She wants to study, work, and get on with her life, not be bothered with her younger siblings. Teenagers do tend to be self-centered!

You know that she's safe at her friend's tonight. Let her calm down and then ask her to meet up and talk about how things at home can be improved. She'll soon realize that she needs to come back, but you both need to make it better.