19 year old daughter moved out?

[Kf5453]

Hi.Today has been one of the worst of my life. I was hoping for some advice because I really don't know what to do.
It's a long complicated story.

Me and my daughter have been having some trouble for quite some time. I have mostly raised her by myself and have truly tried to support her in everything all through her life. I had a very bad childhood so I have tried to change that. But it feels nothing seems to be enough.
She works and goes to college and very proud of that, but the way she treats me and disrespects me is getting to much for me now. She is putting my two girls in danger. I ask her to do certain chores, washing dishes sometimes, cleaning and sweeping the kitchen, washing the sides down, to wash her own clothes and clean her room, but she completely ignores me. I ask her maybe once a week to pick up some dinner and ask her sometimes to cook a simple dinner, both maybe once a week, even less. I'm trying to teach her life skills, not because I need her to do it. She wants to go uni so I am trying to help her. I tried to show her a routine to follow and told her structure and routine is important, but she didn't care.

She shares a bedroom with her sisters who are 12 and 2. It isn't cramped, the room is spacious but the room is such a state that it looks cramped. She leaves dirty dishes and food in there, she hasn't washed her bedding or clothes in a long time. At one point, she was stealing my underwear and clothes. She leaves vape bottles in there. One time my two year old ingested some of it and I had to take her to hospital. She was OK as she hadn't swallowed much of it thank God. I had told her previously to get rid of it all and not vape in there. The social services got involved. After that happened with my daughter, I told her if I found anything like that again she would have to leave, I threw all of it in the bin.
I offered that she could spend time im my room in the evenings so she could relax and get college work done. I ask her to be quiet when the baby is in bed and she plays loud music and sings and talks loudly to friends on the phone. She has woken the baby up numerous times, she just ignores me. I put in a rule that everything stops by a certain time but doesn't listen. This is going on past 12 at night.
I lend her money when she needs it, she is on a phone contract in my name and ask her to pay me for it, and gives me a 100 a month. I cook and buy her food. There is a lot more going on but can't write everything on here.
We had a big argument earlier as I asked her to pick up some food for dinner and my daughter needed some nappies. I was going to go but the weather is bad and didn't want to take my 2 year old out as I don't drive. I gave her money for taxis and food, and said I would pay for her taxi to work for helping me out. I woke her up at one in the afternoon and said she needed to go soon because the shop closes as its Sunday. She fell back asleep. I woke her up again and she went, but then rang me and said she would have to leave without anything as the lines were long and she had to go to work, so I had to go anyway. She came back and we argued. I told her how she constantly disrespects me and in anger I said I couldn't take it anymore and said if she wants to be an adult then move out and she how hard life is. She packed some stuff and went to her friends and said she's going to the council tomorrow.

I really don't know what to do now, does anyone have any advice? Thank you in advance

OMG! The babying of a 19-year-old on this thread is funny as heck.

There used to be a time when the average house was less than 1000 sq. ft with one bathroom and 6 children shared two bedrooms. They all survived, quite well, in fact.

I also shared a room with my much younger sister. I did have a basement I could bring friends to but it wasn't finished, just a basement.

I do think the two-year-old would be better served sharing with Mom but the 12 and 19-year-old can share. As for having chores or being expected to go to the store. Isn't that what families DO for each other? Life has responsibilities outside of someone's own bubble.

If their situation is all wrong, then I am especially sorry that my Mom and Dad have died, as I need to "talk" to them.

So you had a space of your own (basement) and shared with a sibling… what was the age difference between you and your sibling? Was it less than 17 years?

She needs to be able to enjoy her life, she is not the parent and should not have been asked to get nappies or anything else. That is your job as you have chosen to have another child many years after the first one.

She needs her own room so the box room for her, the other girls in the big room and you on the sofa. You are the one who has chosen to have them with such big age differences.

I also had a rubbish childhood but anyone can see that these living conditions are not nice and you are pushing the eldest out whist she might need a bit of support. At her age I’d already been kicked out and had a baby of my own due to no family suppprt.

Your poor DD. You are using her as a surrogate parent. She isn't responsible for the complex family life you've created. All your posts are about you and your problems. How is she supposed to study in the chaos of a bedroom she shares with 2 children? I bet you anything in 7 years you'll be saying the same about your 12 year old. You sound like one of those parents who can only cope with little kids because they don't challenge you. As soon as anyone has an opinion you don't agree with you start with the she's disrespecting me nonsense. How about you try and see what it's like from her point of view.

Doesn’t matter how big the room is….doesn’t matter how much times she gets in there alone…..a 19 year old and 2 year old and 12 year old should not be sharing a room…..the 19 year old needs to be gone and the 12 year old will move out in 6 years rather than share a room with an 8 year old ……leave her to get on with her life

You’re letting them all down!

Some people are piling onto OP and making assumptions without, perhaps, reading all her posts. She didn't choose to have the latest baby and was 4 months pregnant when she found out. So a termination was unlikely to be a realistic option even if compatible with her beliefs. Of course sharing a room with the toddler is ludicrous, though, and hopefully OP realises that now.
OP has stated that the 19yo is not asked to do chores or cook for the rest of the family, only for herself. This is perfectly reasonable and will give her a head start in eating well when she's living independently or at uni.
I doubt very much that the council will house her as she has simply walked out, and has home accommodation available to her. She may well be back soon.
OP, I'd suggest giving her the box room too. Presumably the bed is still usable if you sleep on it?
Get her mobile phone bill transferred into her name - actually (having done this for several of my adult children) it's easier for her to simply take out a new contract in her own name and transfer her number to it, and you end her current contract. Then you don't have to argue about it, and she's building up her own credit history.
I'd suggest taking the arguing out of asking her to do her own chores by just not doing them for her. For example, don't do her her laundry - she can take care of that herself. If she has the box room, don't go in there, don't look at it, leave it to her to clean it up. Don't mention it. Just take it out of the equation.
For cooking, you could suggest she learns how to cook a few simple meals so that she can live more cheaply and healthily at uni, but tbh if she doesn't want to, leave it - she'll learn.
It sounds like for now you'd just like to live peacefully with her until she goes to uni. Good luck.

It was 10 years. I shared with her from infant hood. When she woke up, I changed her diaper and got my Mom up to heat the bottle and feed her.

My sister or brother could also use the basement, whenever, no matter who else was down there. So it wasn't a "private" area, as my Mom had laundry, my Dad had tools to get at times and my sister's toys were down there. We all survived and were a close family.

The 19-year-old is acting like a brat, and I am betting she knows she is.

She is expected to help around the house? Cry me a river.

I also think workers take priority. I take it OP doesn't go out to work at present.

When my adult daughter comes to stay over Christmas. I will move into the box room as she will still have to work shifts. It's the getting ready for work and having a good night's sleep in a double bed that matters.

Sorry OP, but as their mum, it should be you and not your adult daughter sharing with the other girls.

Does your daughter have enough for a house share deposit?

This 100 times over

How on earth is she able to study sharing a room with a two year old and 12 year old - and working, and you asking her to do chores.

You need to give her time and space to be a teenager a bit more, and to study and get herself to uni, imo.

Could she share your bedroom so she can get some peace from the little ones?

Less than 1000 square feet - you're American, aren't you?

My current house is 900 and yet has 3 bedrooms and a "study". If they're crowded into one room in a standard UK house, even a "good size" in a Victorian or a 1950s semi it is too small for 3 beds and the varying crap you have at 2, 2 and 19.

"I did not choose to have another child" - Unless you were raped op you chose to have sex and you chose to keep the baby.

Your 19yo did not play a part in that.
As for looking up online for life skills for a 19yo.......... Im baffled at why you waited so long, that is a process you should have begun when she was very little.

Let her find out the hard way. 19 and she doesn't do her washing? She must be wearing some seriously smelly clothes by now. (And I would say the same were she a he.)
Advice to you - learn to drive and get a car. This will not only make you mobile but pave the way to getting a job when you want one (assuming you do not currently work).

So not 17 years difference and you had other (albeit shared) space. Oh and a dad in the home. So nothing like this young woman’s situation.

Sure keep thinking she’s a brat. I’m sure if she read this it would have a lot of impact on her.

Let her move out. It could be the making of her being outside of a chaotic household. You know you should be the one sleeping on the sofa bed and not your DD. You know your DD should have the box room if alone or share with the twelve year old while you have the two year old/have the two year old in the box room.

There's so many ways to facilitate this but I suggest you're not giving up your room as you have a partner/FWB.

Yes I’m seeing double standards here.
Expects 19-year-old to be responsible and mature yet seems to have created a chaotic home environment through choices that are definitely not responsible or mature. Blames 19-year-old for having to go out late for emergency nappies and dinner supplies despite this being avoidable if OP herself had been more prepared and organised. Why so quick to blame DD but not hold yourself to the same standards? Ditto the bedroom is apparently perfectly adequate for an adult and 2 children but OP seems quick to have removed 2-year-old from her room and is more happy having her own space and a bedroom to herself.

I would feel so frustrated if I were DD

In all honesty in your situation op Id be sleeping in the lounge myself I think. 2 yo in their own room and the 12yo and 19yo in together.

This is a young woman that works and studies, contributes to the house expenses, pays her phone etc… clearly not a lazy dumb ass taking advantage of her mum. Yeah teenagers, young adults can be messy and selfish etc but really playing loud music and wearing mum’s clothes don’t seem really bad offences in this case.

With kindness OP, the problem here is not your daughter speaking with friends in the evening and waking up your toddler, the problem is them sharing a room. At 19 years old she needs her space and privacy. She doesn’t have it and you expect all her behaviour to be conditioned to your younger children. And you still blame her on the 2 years drinking the vape ( it’s her fault of leaving things around; not yours of having them sharing the room). Have you thought about her side at all?!

In your place I would try to make things work and make sure she goes to uni.

I am not blaming a woman for NOT aborting a healthy child. Though I have little sympathy with getting 'accidentally' pregnant, I am even less sympathetic with aborting a pregnancy because it's not convenient, will wreck my life etc. Unless pregnancy is the result of rape or incest, both participants should have thought of that before jumping into bed (back of car, sofa...).

Poor girl sharing with a 12 and 2 year old - she's a young woman who needs privacy, I can't imagine dealing with living arrangements like that.

There's 9 years between me and my youngest sibling. Would I fuck have changed her nappy in the night, and would my parents the fuck have expected it!

It's totally, utterly fucked up! Maybe 100 years ago...!

Kind of like your comments have such an "impact" on me.

Keep babying your children and then wonder why they have "failure to launch".

Then I guess I am older than I first thought. Fancy that! 👌✌

Well clearly this one launched but now her mum wants her back… so not sure you made the point you thought you were making