19 year old daughter moved out?

[Kf5453]

Hi.Today has been one of the worst of my life. I was hoping for some advice because I really don't know what to do.
It's a long complicated story.

Me and my daughter have been having some trouble for quite some time. I have mostly raised her by myself and have truly tried to support her in everything all through her life. I had a very bad childhood so I have tried to change that. But it feels nothing seems to be enough.
She works and goes to college and very proud of that, but the way she treats me and disrespects me is getting to much for me now. She is putting my two girls in danger. I ask her to do certain chores, washing dishes sometimes, cleaning and sweeping the kitchen, washing the sides down, to wash her own clothes and clean her room, but she completely ignores me. I ask her maybe once a week to pick up some dinner and ask her sometimes to cook a simple dinner, both maybe once a week, even less. I'm trying to teach her life skills, not because I need her to do it. She wants to go uni so I am trying to help her. I tried to show her a routine to follow and told her structure and routine is important, but she didn't care.

She shares a bedroom with her sisters who are 12 and 2. It isn't cramped, the room is spacious but the room is such a state that it looks cramped. She leaves dirty dishes and food in there, she hasn't washed her bedding or clothes in a long time. At one point, she was stealing my underwear and clothes. She leaves vape bottles in there. One time my two year old ingested some of it and I had to take her to hospital. She was OK as she hadn't swallowed much of it thank God. I had told her previously to get rid of it all and not vape in there. The social services got involved. After that happened with my daughter, I told her if I found anything like that again she would have to leave, I threw all of it in the bin.
I offered that she could spend time im my room in the evenings so she could relax and get college work done. I ask her to be quiet when the baby is in bed and she plays loud music and sings and talks loudly to friends on the phone. She has woken the baby up numerous times, she just ignores me. I put in a rule that everything stops by a certain time but doesn't listen. This is going on past 12 at night.
I lend her money when she needs it, she is on a phone contract in my name and ask her to pay me for it, and gives me a 100 a month. I cook and buy her food. There is a lot more going on but can't write everything on here.
We had a big argument earlier as I asked her to pick up some food for dinner and my daughter needed some nappies. I was going to go but the weather is bad and didn't want to take my 2 year old out as I don't drive. I gave her money for taxis and food, and said I would pay for her taxi to work for helping me out. I woke her up at one in the afternoon and said she needed to go soon because the shop closes as its Sunday. She fell back asleep. I woke her up again and she went, but then rang me and said she would have to leave without anything as the lines were long and she had to go to work, so I had to go anyway. She came back and we argued. I told her how she constantly disrespects me and in anger I said I couldn't take it anymore and said if she wants to be an adult then move out and she how hard life is. She packed some stuff and went to her friends and said she's going to the council tomorrow.

I really don't know what to do now, does anyone have any advice? Thank you in advance

Your DD is not your other children's parent. Sorry op, but I feel sorry for all of them.

I disagree with your point that my parents made "poor choices". I grew up to be a responsible, empathetic, caring, loving person. One who would chip in and help any time my family or friends needed it and got it back seven-fold.

I think of myself as incredibly lucky. But then, I am not a selfish twat so YMMV.

You are clearly doing your best and I agree that asking your 19 year old to do some things to contribute at home is great.

Can you change some things about in terms of bedroom space, should your daughter come back?
Could you be downstairs and she in the box room?
Could the 12 year old and 2 year old have some type of separate space each in their shared bedroom?

If your daughter comes back, work with her to set up a more appropriate home space and write a list together of chores/tasks she will cover while living with you.
If she decides to stay at her own place - than that is fine too.

I feel really sorry for the DD in all of this. If if had to share a bedroom with zero privacy, with a two and twelve year old at 19, I'd have been a right little cow. It is so unfair to expect this of her.

You say there's a sofa bed. You go and sleep on it! Give her your room, she's a growing young woman and she needs her own space. Of course she's acting up a bit! I'm not condoning her with the vapes, not at all, but can't you see this isn't working? You're just letting it all drift by and meanwhile driving a wedge between you and DD with your "floating along" attitude.

You had the other kids. She didn't. Stop asking her to go and pick up nappies! They're your kids! She's already got no privacy, no wonder she doesn't want to run around after you, too. She's studying and she's got a job, if she wants a lie in she can do. Go and ask the father of the child to go shopping.

Let her crack on sorting somewhere to live. She’s 19, an adult.
She will come round , it’ll take a couple of years but you’ll have a different relationship once she’s independent.

So if you don't want children, don't ever have sex you're saying? If you're saying not to terminate either

I used two forms of contraception and both failed (pill and condom). If I got pregnant now I would have to terminate as I can't afford a child, just as I couldn't back then
To me that's the responsible thing to do rather than have a child I can't afford to raise

@Kf5453 I have to ask how did your middle DD age so quickly? Two and a half years ago, she was seven and now she is twelve. That is some spectacular aging.

Also, where are your twin boys living now? Did your ex ever have to answer for his two boy's behavior?

Why do you have 3 people in one room . It was never going to work .
She probably resents the situation.
How can you teach her life skills when you live like that . Maybe focus on yourself . This cannot have been your plan for your kids.
Most 19 year old just cook for themselves. So in that sense she is normal.
But the vape around the other kids is awful. But at 19 she obviously isn't going to suddenly change . This sounds like it's a problem that's been building up for years .
You will probably get along better when she lives somewhere that she has her own space

But you're neither empathetic nor caring, in this particular instance you are a product of your upbringing. Just because you had an on reflection, demanding childhood, should not mean you impose the same experience on a young 19 year old today.

Your parents chose to levy unreasonable, imvho, expectations on you, their daughter. I'm totally surmising here, that you grew up in the 60's/70's?

Life was different then, that is true, and as young people then, expectations in the 20th century were different to the 21st century.

I didn't glean that you are a selfish twat, at all.

I merely observe that because of your own childhood, which was more demanding than others may have experienced it has resulted in your "cry me a river" retort.

I am fairly certain that if you are blessed to have your own children, that you have not parented them, the way you were.

Ultimately though, the focus of this thread is the 19 year old. Her Mum really needs to digest the answers herein and reflect. Hopefully she may see that it is not a "failure to launch" it's her unrealistic and overly demanding expectations of her daughter.

But as you so eloquently stated YMMV. Hakuna matata 🌻

edited to re-arrange wording.

Of course you’re making her co parent. Sharing a bedroom with a 2 year old is co parenting. That’s your job. Not hers. Expecting her to buy nappies and be late for work is co parenting. Being on the phone with friends late in the evening and listening to music are basic and normal activities for a teen. As are having friends come over and boyfriends / girlfriends etc in the evening. By making her share with little kids, you’re taking her basic freedoms away from her. Maybe she’s being an arse in other areas. Perhaps if she had more freedom to be herself, she’d be more cooperative and less defiant.

I agree.

Waking her up because you had no nappies and didn’t want to take your two year old out seems unfair in the circumstances.

I feel sorry for her too.

On the one hand she is expected to help you run the household and on the other she's sharing a room with a toddler.

Obviously she shouldn't vape in the house.

I left home at 19 from a tiny town to a big city. It was a big learning curve but I was fine.

The sleeping arrangements suck for all three girls tbh, the two older ones need their own rooms. I imagine the eldest has been tired from sleeping in the same room as her youngest sister and being expected to co-parent her, on top of studying and holding down a job. No wonder she's left. The family dynamics was a bomb waiting to go off.

Did you ever consider sharing with your younger children yourself and giving the 19 year old her own room? If not why not? If you don't want to share with them why do you think your 19 year old adult daughter enjoys sharing a room with your children?
As for the nappies etc, it is your job as the child's parent to ensure you* *have the necessary supplies to look after them, your failure to prepare doesn't constitute an emergency for your daughter- that's on you!
Have you considered deliveroo, you can get groceries and nappies delivered to your door in under an hour, basically you need to find a way of parenting your younger children that doesn't involve your daughter helping you.

Is the father of your 2 younger children not step-parentung her or supporting you to?

The rental market round here and in the city where DD was at university is nothing like you describe. Since the regulations have changed landlords are selling up and leaving the rental market in droves.

The daughter is at college and not working full time and it sounds very much like the OP is unable to act as guarantor. No decent landlord will rent to a teenager without a guarantor.

DD has been independent since she went to university, but as she has changed rental properties yearly as a student and since leaving university I have had to act as guarantor in spite of her working full time.

The OP says that the elder daughter gets time to herself when my children go to their dads . So if the father of the youngest two lives separately, he isn't going to be step-parenting. I suppose he could also be her father.

I shared a room until my late teens with my sister who was only 2 years older than me. It wasn’t great tbh even though we had similar interests and got on well. Your set up really isn’t great at all. Yes she’s 19 and I was all ready to say YANBU but the more o read of your OP I felt sorry for her. She’s working AND studying. Are you? You could have got the shopping delivered. I feel for her but I think if she moves out she’ll be a lot happier as she doesn’t really have an ideal situation with you.

I've been in a similar situation with a younger child and two older ones, I made sure that the older ones had their own bedrooms, admittedly we had a three bed house, but I shared with my youngest DD for over two years. Even now when we have moved I have given myself the very smallest bedroom to allow the children space. I feel it's about prioritising their needs and your 19 year old really shouldn't be sharing with a two year old. I'd move into the bedroom with the younger ones until she is ready to move out.

@Kf5453 the main question needing answered that makes it necessary for toddler to share with big sisters is who do YOU share with????

Why would you assume what you are implying though given the OP is happy to send the baby to her dad's every other week?

A two year old, twelve year old and 19 year old shouldn't be sharing a room.

If you didn't have space then the baby should have stayed in your room until your first child was old enough to move out (at 18). You should never have put a baby in with a an adult or near adult.

To try to be slightly less scathing about OP I'd guess that her awful childhood has given her a skewed perception of what is normal parenting.

Having a 17 year age gap means she was likely a teenager when she had DD.

Overcrowding is probably the norm for her. As is having more expectations of adult children contributing financially & practically to the household. The social security system is specifically set up with this expectation.

But yes as pp have said it's best the 19yo moves out. Even a 12yo & 2 yo shouldn't be sharing.

OP just hope your DD forgives you. Even if not deliberately you have forced her from her home. She may be angry with you for a long time.

As an aside when ss were involved re the vape issue it's quite a demonstration of the lack of good service provision that they left the family in this position without further support.

Well, you'd think.

But not for the hard of comprehension on here

Might not have a choice...