19 year old daughter moved out?

[Kf5453]

Hi.Today has been one of the worst of my life. I was hoping for some advice because I really don't know what to do.
It's a long complicated story.

Me and my daughter have been having some trouble for quite some time. I have mostly raised her by myself and have truly tried to support her in everything all through her life. I had a very bad childhood so I have tried to change that. But it feels nothing seems to be enough.
She works and goes to college and very proud of that, but the way she treats me and disrespects me is getting to much for me now. She is putting my two girls in danger. I ask her to do certain chores, washing dishes sometimes, cleaning and sweeping the kitchen, washing the sides down, to wash her own clothes and clean her room, but she completely ignores me. I ask her maybe once a week to pick up some dinner and ask her sometimes to cook a simple dinner, both maybe once a week, even less. I'm trying to teach her life skills, not because I need her to do it. She wants to go uni so I am trying to help her. I tried to show her a routine to follow and told her structure and routine is important, but she didn't care.

She shares a bedroom with her sisters who are 12 and 2. It isn't cramped, the room is spacious but the room is such a state that it looks cramped. She leaves dirty dishes and food in there, she hasn't washed her bedding or clothes in a long time. At one point, she was stealing my underwear and clothes. She leaves vape bottles in there. One time my two year old ingested some of it and I had to take her to hospital. She was OK as she hadn't swallowed much of it thank God. I had told her previously to get rid of it all and not vape in there. The social services got involved. After that happened with my daughter, I told her if I found anything like that again she would have to leave, I threw all of it in the bin.
I offered that she could spend time im my room in the evenings so she could relax and get college work done. I ask her to be quiet when the baby is in bed and she plays loud music and sings and talks loudly to friends on the phone. She has woken the baby up numerous times, she just ignores me. I put in a rule that everything stops by a certain time but doesn't listen. This is going on past 12 at night.
I lend her money when she needs it, she is on a phone contract in my name and ask her to pay me for it, and gives me a 100 a month. I cook and buy her food. There is a lot more going on but can't write everything on here.
We had a big argument earlier as I asked her to pick up some food for dinner and my daughter needed some nappies. I was going to go but the weather is bad and didn't want to take my 2 year old out as I don't drive. I gave her money for taxis and food, and said I would pay for her taxi to work for helping me out. I woke her up at one in the afternoon and said she needed to go soon because the shop closes as its Sunday. She fell back asleep. I woke her up again and she went, but then rang me and said she would have to leave without anything as the lines were long and she had to go to work, so I had to go anyway. She came back and we argued. I told her how she constantly disrespects me and in anger I said I couldn't take it anymore and said if she wants to be an adult then move out and she how hard life is. She packed some stuff and went to her friends and said she's going to the council tomorrow.

I really don't know what to do now, does anyone have any advice? Thank you in advance

@Kf5453 Im pleased the majority have stuck up for your 19yr old DD. Hopefully it gives you some food for thought.

Without being unkind your 2 year old wasn't an immaculate conception. It was selfish of you

Where is her dad? Are there any other close family? It's unlikely the council will help her so she will struggle for accomodation and that's not easy for a young adult, especially one who hasn't yet managed to get an education.

I'm not sure if you can relate to what your daughter must have gone through? I assume there have been step dad's over the years? Then you have a new baby when she was in GCSE years, plus having to share with a baby (why didn't you continue to share?) will have stilted her development. You can force adult skills into someone and then treat them as a child as far as space is concerned. I suspect she is angry and resentful of you.

It is not surprising she is struggling with college, and I can't blame her as I suspect her homelife has been disruptive and unsettled. I hope she finds someone kind to share with as I doubt she can continue in your home as that really isn't a great place for her

Yeah sleeping in a public room where I presume everyone watches tv isn’t any better of a solution.

Let’s be real… At 7 years old you had a baby. I’m sure baby took up most of your time and energy. She would have had to start sharing a room when she was 9ish with a toddler? I’m sure that was great fun.

Then as she gets older she’s still sharing with a sibling 7 years younger than her. Bit ok… things are looking up she’ll be going to college or Uni soon enough… but wait… mum has another baby. So now instead of gaining independence mum decides that she has to start doing more for the family… do chores cook for everyone… shop for everyone a couple of times a week.

Oh great baby is getting moved into her room… now she can’t listen to music, leave her things around, etc. so she gets a job, might as well because there’s no room to study… the baby is into all her things.. the 12yo is hanging about…

Now mum’s mad because I couldn’t get the things for the baby at the store because I had to get to work on time.

OP, you really need to see things from her point of view. Because what most here are telling you is that she’s probably fed up with her family.

It doesn't seem fair that you're expecting her to play the role that the other parent would play, to a degree. It's really not her problem if you haven't got nappies. A two year old can be taken out in the wind if you're using a taxi. I can understand why she's resentful. And sharing a room with the little girls must be awful. Yes, she's behaved badly but I hope you don't lose each other over this because there are situational stressors on you both that aren't really about the dynamic between you. If anything, they're about choices you've made to have more children.

I can’t figure out if OP is trying to gently state it was non-consensual/other tragic circumstances around it. Especially with the line about her having a bad childhood herself, and not being able to put into perspective why her 19 year old may have had a bad childhood in comparison.

I think there are more young children and complex family dynamics going on with the fathers…

OP do you have other support? Social services? Family? HV? Your situation sounds v difficult.

How many other older dc do you have?
You are responsible for the younger dc not the 19 yr old
You could have gone put to get nappies even if it meant taking the 2 Yr old or order online eg deliveroo or ubereats given you were paying taxi anyway
You cannot expect a 19 Yr old to share with a 12 and 2 Yr old
Good for her for moving out

I moved out at 19. Survived perfectly well.
Maybe this is the fresh start you both need? To see each other as adults and get along respectfully of each other.

What do you mean "I didn't choose to have another child "?

Of course you did!

This. My friend had three teenagers in a two bed house and didn't think twice about having a sofa bed in the lounge when their dd got to the age that she could not share with two brothers. This age can be difficult but credit to her she is working and at college.

If anyone is sharing a bedroom with the twelve and two year old its you, their actual parent, not the unofficial night nanny who should be doing so. If you aren’t willing to share a room with your children, you can’t expect someone else to do that.

Whatever the circumstances the 2 year old is not her fault, responsibility or problem either OP. Having her share with a 12 yearold and a 2 year old isn't OK. Why isn't the baby in your room?

How long ago was this?
I also moved out at 19 (more than 40 years ago). The rental market is so very different now.

Can the DD afford to rent? Who will be her guarantor? Landlords won't rent to 19 year old who have just left home without a guarantor. Perhaps she could be a lodger?

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@Kf5453
I'm surprised she stayed this long. What a rubbish life for a teenager. Even if she is 19. And there she is trying to plan out her own future.
You're really not reading the room are you OP?

Personally, I'd have had the 19 year old in the box room while the others shared with a partition down the centre of the room for a bit of privacy. You then have downstairs.
Being 19 and sharing with a 2 year old and a 12 year old is absolutely shite. I'd have been out working full time to afford moving out. Hopefully now the space will give you an improved relationship. I'd put the 12 year old in the box room now while you share with the 2 year old.

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I think you need to calm down and get organised, play the long game for your daughter’s future and the others too. You need a bigger house or put a divider in the big bedroom. How on earth can your eldest afford to live alone and get herself through exams and to university? She sounds pretty normal to me. Sit her down and listen to her. Get a regular time to spend just with her somehow. Ban vapes altogether, they are expensive poison. Set a regular night for supermarket delivery.

OP, I feel for you. Let her crack on

She can vape outside. It doesn't need to be in the bedroom and she's a young adult so she can absolutely help out around the house without being tagged as a second parent

My DP done everything for me growing up and it done me no favours. I was married with a baby at at 19 and couldn't switch a washing machine on or cook a basic meal but wasn't allowed to stay at home either. Ridiculous. I try to reach my DC basic life skills too.

Im sorry it's not worked out but she'll see sense when she realised the outside world requires you to be able to do things for yourself and there are boundaries and consequences everywhere.

Good luck xx

@RampantIvy yes it was 20years ago but I don't think the rental market has changed that much - if anything there seems to be much more available right now (I've just checked right move and there are 48 properties with 2 beds or less to rent in my town). The rents are higher but then so are wages. £500 for a room in a shared house up to £1100 for a 2 bed flat. 20years ago I paid £525 for a 2 bed flat.
As long as she has a full time job and a small amount of savings for a deposit she will be fine.

Don't text, don't ring ... stand your ground. If she wants to return it has to be on your terms.

I have similar aged DC to your DD and although I get where you are coming from, I think you are expecting far far too much from her.

You choose to have another baby when you already had 2 much older kids and were living in a 2 bed flat - not ideal. I certainly wouldnt be expecting her to share with a 2 year old, that is completely unrealistic and actually unfair on them both.

She's studying at college, but you are expecting her to pay rent (even when she has to share with a baby), do quite a lot of household chores, buy & make dinner on a regular basis and generally behave like an equal member of the household to you but she isnt - shes your daughter yet you expect her to behave similarly to a partner (getting food for your baby as you didnt want to go out etc etc).

I understand why you are hurt & want her to do more but its completely unrealistic. You have made a succession of choices which have had/are impacting her and yet she hasnt had a say in any of them.

She is 19 and should be out enjoying herself, living her own life, enjoying being young, carefree with no responsibilities etc,not being your 'partner' in the home. Yes she shouldn't wake the baby up, be tidier etc, but she shouldnt have to share a room with a baby that isnt hers either.

I can understand why she's just had enough as most people in her situation would but as the adult, and her parent, you need to support her much better or you will end up losing her for good. The council will not sort her out anywhere to live (a temporary space in a hostel would be the only thing they would likely do, but this will be a scary and unsafe place for her to be in) This will really impact your relationship going forwards if you cant sort this out and make meaningful positive changes to her living situation - please remember she is your daughter too and needs your support.

Did you ever apply with the council for a bigger house OP? This set up was never sustainable otherwise - it definitely sounds overcrowded so you may have been eligible.

What happened with social services, did you blame your eldest for your toddler messing with the vape? Because I see that as a symptom of the overcrowding - toddlers shouldn’t be in adult bedrooms unattended. As the sole parent of the household, some of the responsibility is yours to monitor your baby. If your eldest thought you completely blamed her, she likely feels resentment towards you.

Also you say she’s always welcome there but you also gave her the ultimatum of moving out and fending for herself? That’s a mixed message.

Finally you aren’t helping prepare her for uni by lumbering her with chores. She’ll figure that out on her own when she crosses that road. Helping her prepare for uni means giving her the freedom now to explore teen life & to focus on studying. At the moment she probably sees university as an escape from home, which adds pressure

Thoughts are that you should be in with younger two @Kf5453

You are the Mum, the choices that you've made should really not have such a significant impact on her life.

You are not actually trying to teach her "life skills", you seem to want her to alleviate your stresses because you need help.