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AIBU?

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Original poster

19 year old daughter moved out?

225 replies

Kf5453 · 08/12/2024 21:13

Hi.Today has been one of the worst of my life. I was hoping for some advice because I really don't know what to do.
It's a long complicated story.

Me and my daughter have been having some trouble for quite some time. I have mostly raised her by myself and have truly tried to support her in everything all through her life. I had a very bad childhood so I have tried to change that. But it feels nothing seems to be enough.
She works and goes to college and very proud of that, but the way she treats me and disrespects me is getting to much for me now. She is putting my two girls in danger. I ask her to do certain chores, washing dishes sometimes, cleaning and sweeping the kitchen, washing the sides down, to wash her own clothes and clean her room, but she completely ignores me. I ask her maybe once a week to pick up some dinner and ask her sometimes to cook a simple dinner, both maybe once a week, even less. I'm trying to teach her life skills, not because I need her to do it. She wants to go uni so I am trying to help her. I tried to show her a routine to follow and told her structure and routine is important, but she didn't care.

She shares a bedroom with her sisters who are 12 and 2. It isn't cramped, the room is spacious but the room is such a state that it looks cramped. She leaves dirty dishes and food in there, she hasn't washed her bedding or clothes in a long time. At one point, she was stealing my underwear and clothes. She leaves vape bottles in there. One time my two year old ingested some of it and I had to take her to hospital. She was OK as she hadn't swallowed much of it thank God. I had told her previously to get rid of it all and not vape in there. The social services got involved. After that happened with my daughter, I told her if I found anything like that again she would have to leave, I threw all of it in the bin.
I offered that she could spend time im my room in the evenings so she could relax and get college work done. I ask her to be quiet when the baby is in bed and she plays loud music and sings and talks loudly to friends on the phone. She has woken the baby up numerous times, she just ignores me. I put in a rule that everything stops by a certain time but doesn't listen. This is going on past 12 at night.
I lend her money when she needs it, she is on a phone contract in my name and ask her to pay me for it, and gives me a 100 a month. I cook and buy her food. There is a lot more going on but can't write everything on here.
We had a big argument earlier as I asked her to pick up some food for dinner and my daughter needed some nappies. I was going to go but the weather is bad and didn't want to take my 2 year old out as I don't drive. I gave her money for taxis and food, and said I would pay for her taxi to work for helping me out. I woke her up at one in the afternoon and said she needed to go soon because the shop closes as its Sunday. She fell back asleep. I woke her up again and she went, but then rang me and said she would have to leave without anything as the lines were long and she had to go to work, so I had to go anyway. She came back and we argued. I told her how she constantly disrespects me and in anger I said I couldn't take it anymore and said if she wants to be an adult then move out and she how hard life is. She packed some stuff and went to her friends and said she's going to the council tomorrow.

I really don't know what to do now, does anyone have any advice? Thank you in advance

OP posts:
Original poster
Kf5453 · 08/12/2024 21:35

The room is big and she gets time to herself when my children go to their dads. I did put my 2 year old in with me for a while but it's also my 12 year old, I don't want her vaping in there and leaving empty vape bottles around. I would move but can't afford it. I truly have supported her through all her education as I think it's very important, I didn't say she needed a job, she got one herself. She stopped going to college at one point and I encouraged her to go back. Most of the chores I ask of her are her own responsibilities. She is at work or college so I don't ask her to do much, I'm trying to teach her how to live alone before she goes to uni. She nearly got kicked out a few weeks ago because she was never there and we had to have a meeting. I asked if working was worth it as her education comes first and asked what support she needed. She just ignored me

OP posts:
Tiredofallthis101 · 08/12/2024 21:36

Kindly, it sounds a bit like you are asking too much of her - like you're expecting her to be your partner/OH, even if at quite a low level. She has her own life to live and sure she should be expected to clean up after herself and keep her younger siblings safe but sharing a room with a two year old really doesn't sound like a good set up for a young adult, nor being expected to pick up food or nappies on a regular basis. Perhaps you do lots of other things for her eg her laundry and feel that this balances out, but IMO it would be better to make her responsible for herself eg doing her own laundry rather than expecting her to be responsible for the family by collecting food and nappies. If she's in the shop anyway for herself sure ask her, but otherwise I feel you are being a bit unreasonable. If it were me I'd call her tomorrow and tell her you want to give her the space to be treated like an adult as she wants to be but in exchange she needs to look after herself like one by keeping her room clean etc.

Could you not have the 2 yo in your room?

Anotherworrier · 08/12/2024 21:38

Tiredofallthis101 · 08/12/2024 21:36

Kindly, it sounds a bit like you are asking too much of her - like you're expecting her to be your partner/OH, even if at quite a low level. She has her own life to live and sure she should be expected to clean up after herself and keep her younger siblings safe but sharing a room with a two year old really doesn't sound like a good set up for a young adult, nor being expected to pick up food or nappies on a regular basis. Perhaps you do lots of other things for her eg her laundry and feel that this balances out, but IMO it would be better to make her responsible for herself eg doing her own laundry rather than expecting her to be responsible for the family by collecting food and nappies. If she's in the shop anyway for herself sure ask her, but otherwise I feel you are being a bit unreasonable. If it were me I'd call her tomorrow and tell her you want to give her the space to be treated like an adult as she wants to be but in exchange she needs to look after herself like one by keeping her room clean etc.

Could you not have the 2 yo in your room?

Completely agree

PipeworksCopper · 08/12/2024 21:39

Your 19 year old shares a room with your 2 year old? Have I read that right? I can’t have because that’s absolute madness.

12 & 19 is a huge age gap to have to share a bedroom never mind also with a toddler in the mix. The baby should be in with you, why isn’t she? I can’t imagine your children get much sleep with the little one in there?

You’ve outlined some pretty average teenage behaviours which are hard to deal with granted, but she’s also studying and working, and it sounds like sharing the responsibilities of your younger children too. 2 year olds don’t reliably sleep through the night, who’s waking with her? Tbh I feel pretty awful for your eldest. Moving out might be the best thing for her. I wish her well.

Octavia64 · 08/12/2024 21:39

Having your teen in with a 2 year old while they are studying to get either a levels or a btec or whatever she is studying to go to uni is really really not supporting her.

Small children wake a lot in the night. They are demanding.

That really isn't supportive parenting.

If your 19 year old comes back ( and personally I'd be staying away if I could) then get a sofa bed for your lounge. You sleep in the lounge, your 19 year old in one room your 2 year old in the other and yhe 12 year old chooses.

Porcuporpoise · 08/12/2024 21:39

Well it sounds like your relationship needs a major reset and this may well be a good thing, especially as you don't really have suitable accommodation for her. Can't believe you moved the toddler in with the older girls tbh.

Merryoldgoat · 08/12/2024 21:41

The whole situation is ridiculous @Kf5453

She sounds disrespectful in some ways but expecting an adult to share a room with a 12 & 2 year old sibling is ridiculous.

A lot of her behaviour sounds completely normal but it sounds like the whole situation has got out of hand.

Her leaving might be for the best - maybe you’ll be able to rebuild once there is some space.

I lived somewhat similarly when I was a teen. My mum would’ve described me similarly at times but my feelings were completely ignored, I had zero personal space and it was unbearable - she called me back to look after the children when I was out, didn’t drive so sent me to the shop to carry heavy bags.

I didn’t mind helping but I felt like a partner and it wasn’t fair or right and caused a significant deterioration of our relationship.

Crazycatlady79 · 08/12/2024 21:42

It all sounds a tad chaotic.
3 with such large age gaps sharing a room? It was never going to work. 😬
I'm not saying that her being disrespectful towards you is okay, but I can't imagine life at home was too great for her, considering the set up.
I hope the council can help her find somewhere, as sounds like she needs to find her own way without being told how she needs to lead her life by her mother.

betterangels · 08/12/2024 21:43

19, 12, and 2 in the same room? I'd move out, too. That's just mad. Doesn't matter how big the room is.

PinkArt · 08/12/2024 21:43

Asking a 19 year old to share a room with (yes, her sister, but) someone else's baby was always going to be a recipe for disaster.
It's telling that you refer to the other two as 'my children' and not 'my other children'. She's technically an adult but she's still your child and it sounds like you don't categorise her as such.

pooballs · 08/12/2024 21:43

I agree with PPs- can’t you sleep in the living room so your 19-year-old can have her own bedroom?

dominique36 · 08/12/2024 21:44

I think this too, I would have 2 year old in with me, as not fair to the older two.

Xyz1234567 · 08/12/2024 21:44

Well I wish her all the best.
She's nineteen, an age when most parents are, imo, still supporting their children to some extent as they bridge the gap between childhood and adulthood. You are not really able to sufficiently support your daughter at all are you? Your situation sounds chaotic, insecure and precarious. Where is her father? Why have more children when you can't provide properly for them? She's sharing a room with a 12 year old and a 2 year old. That's frankly ridiculous and she must feel extremely pushed out of the picture. Why should she be out buying nappies?
I hope she makes it to university and makes a good life for herself despite her disadvantages.

Balaclava1000 · 08/12/2024 21:45

If the room is that big then you should share and give her her own room while she is still living with you. It's not her fault that the 2 year old's dad is negligent.

ChanelBoucle · 08/12/2024 21:45

Xyz1234567 · 08/12/2024 21:44

Well I wish her all the best.
She's nineteen, an age when most parents are, imo, still supporting their children to some extent as they bridge the gap between childhood and adulthood. You are not really able to sufficiently support your daughter at all are you? Your situation sounds chaotic, insecure and precarious. Where is her father? Why have more children when you can't provide properly for them? She's sharing a room with a 12 year old and a 2 year old. That's frankly ridiculous and she must feel extremely pushed out of the picture. Why should she be out buying nappies?
I hope she makes it to university and makes a good life for herself despite her disadvantages.

This

TheSilkWorm · 08/12/2024 21:45

Realistically you can't provide a home for her any more. You have two younger kids who need the bedroom. She's 19, she needs to move out. It's a shame you couldn't house her longer but life isn't always like that.

NimbleNewt · 08/12/2024 21:47

Where is the 2 year old girl’s dad in all of this?

pooballs · 08/12/2024 21:48

Yes if sleeping downstairs isn’t an option why can’t YOU share the bedroom with your other girls? They are already having to share with an adult anyway so it makes sense for your daughter to have her own room.

NimbleNewt · 08/12/2024 21:48

TheSilkWorm · 08/12/2024 21:45

Realistically you can't provide a home for her any more. You have two younger kids who need the bedroom. She's 19, she needs to move out. It's a shame you couldn't house her longer but life isn't always like that.

19 is not age to move out. I hate these comments. Don’t know how much it costs to rent a single room?

DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 08/12/2024 21:48

I don’t think it’s bad that she’s moved out. And I don’t mean that unkindly.

Many 17 year olds move out for uni, and manage just fine. She’s / years older than that. She’s an adult.

I agree with others though that the living situation was untenable. You need to either have the two year old in with you, or as a PP suggested you sleep in sofa bed in living room, 2 year old has one room, 12 year old has other room. If 19 year old comes back she could share with 12 year old or you share with 2 year old while 19 year old has sofa bed.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/12/2024 21:48

I’d say get used to it because in 7 years you’ll probably be in the same situation with your 12yo. Overall your 19yo sounds like a typical young lady. Good for her prioritizing her job over your errand.

I think you need to figure out how to evolve your relationship with your kids as they get older. You seem to oscillate between infantilising her and wanting her to be a responsible adult.

TranquilTurquiose · 08/12/2024 21:49

So she’s a normal 19 year old.

She needs her own bedroom.

You should not be waking her to go out in bad weather to buy nappies before work.

You say she studies and works, that’s good.

Beats my every time the amount of posters who encourage parents to kick their kids out. Where’s the love?

TheSilkWorm · 08/12/2024 21:50

NimbleNewt · 08/12/2024 21:48

19 is not age to move out. I hate these comments. Don’t know how much it costs to rent a single room?

Show quote history

I'm sorry, I think my tone was lost. I'm on the 19 year old's side. OP has made decisions that led to her not being able to house the 19 year old. It's a shame but it is what it is. The 19yo has no choice does she? She can't carry on sharing a room with two young kids.

pooballs · 08/12/2024 21:50

Balaclava1000 · 08/12/2024 21:45

If the room is that big then you should share and give her her own room while she is still living with you. It's not her fault that the 2 year old's dad is negligent.

This. If the room is perfectly fine to accommodate both children and an adult then why doesn’t OP share with the younger children?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/12/2024 21:51

TranquilTurquiose · 08/12/2024 21:49

So she’s a normal 19 year old.

She needs her own bedroom.

You should not be waking her to go out in bad weather to buy nappies before work.

You say she studies and works, that’s good.

Beats my every time the amount of posters who encourage parents to kick their kids out. Where’s the love?

I think on this case it’s the best option for her rather than staying in the madness of her mum’s house