19 year old daughter moved out?

[Kf5453]

Hi.Today has been one of the worst of my life. I was hoping for some advice because I really don't know what to do.
It's a long complicated story.

Me and my daughter have been having some trouble for quite some time. I have mostly raised her by myself and have truly tried to support her in everything all through her life. I had a very bad childhood so I have tried to change that. But it feels nothing seems to be enough.
She works and goes to college and very proud of that, but the way she treats me and disrespects me is getting to much for me now. She is putting my two girls in danger. I ask her to do certain chores, washing dishes sometimes, cleaning and sweeping the kitchen, washing the sides down, to wash her own clothes and clean her room, but she completely ignores me. I ask her maybe once a week to pick up some dinner and ask her sometimes to cook a simple dinner, both maybe once a week, even less. I'm trying to teach her life skills, not because I need her to do it. She wants to go uni so I am trying to help her. I tried to show her a routine to follow and told her structure and routine is important, but she didn't care.

She shares a bedroom with her sisters who are 12 and 2. It isn't cramped, the room is spacious but the room is such a state that it looks cramped. She leaves dirty dishes and food in there, she hasn't washed her bedding or clothes in a long time. At one point, she was stealing my underwear and clothes. She leaves vape bottles in there. One time my two year old ingested some of it and I had to take her to hospital. She was OK as she hadn't swallowed much of it thank God. I had told her previously to get rid of it all and not vape in there. The social services got involved. After that happened with my daughter, I told her if I found anything like that again she would have to leave, I threw all of it in the bin.
I offered that she could spend time im my room in the evenings so she could relax and get college work done. I ask her to be quiet when the baby is in bed and she plays loud music and sings and talks loudly to friends on the phone. She has woken the baby up numerous times, she just ignores me. I put in a rule that everything stops by a certain time but doesn't listen. This is going on past 12 at night.
I lend her money when she needs it, she is on a phone contract in my name and ask her to pay me for it, and gives me a 100 a month. I cook and buy her food. There is a lot more going on but can't write everything on here.
We had a big argument earlier as I asked her to pick up some food for dinner and my daughter needed some nappies. I was going to go but the weather is bad and didn't want to take my 2 year old out as I don't drive. I gave her money for taxis and food, and said I would pay for her taxi to work for helping me out. I woke her up at one in the afternoon and said she needed to go soon because the shop closes as its Sunday. She fell back asleep. I woke her up again and she went, but then rang me and said she would have to leave without anything as the lines were long and she had to go to work, so I had to go anyway. She came back and we argued. I told her how she constantly disrespects me and in anger I said I couldn't take it anymore and said if she wants to be an adult then move out and she how hard life is. She packed some stuff and went to her friends and said she's going to the council tomorrow.

I really don't know what to do now, does anyone have any advice? Thank you in advance

I looked up how to teach life skills for 19 years old, for when she's at uni. It said to let them shop and cook a meal, while doing their own responsibilities. I'm not asking her to do these things because I can't or don't want to. Its not because i rely on her for these things It's less than once a week. I haven't said I want to kick her out, just to let her be and make her own choices. I know that it is difficult with her sharing a room, we have spoken about that and I understand how it's hard for her, which is why I do other things to help her. I did not plan on having another baby. I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was 4 months, it was a very upsetting time. I won't discuss how or why. But things happen sometimes out of your control.

You want her to act like an adult and prepare for living on her own but at the same time treat her like a child - by having her sleep in the same room as 2 year old.
You must remember yourself how life was at 19, you need your personal space and room to grow as a person but she'll never be able to if she's being treated so differently. One one hand you want her to grow up and do things and the other hand think she's okay to share with young children and take responsibility for them.

Her actions are not acceptable of course but honestly it sounds like it's all her building up. Her moving out and having her own space is probably best outcome here if you are unable to move for her to have space with you.

The 2yo should be in your room, her sharing with a 19yo is insane. However, I don't think YABU to want her to help around the house or pop to the shop, that's just part of living in any household. My 17yo will cook if I ask her to (no more than once a week) and will do things like clean the kitchen if I need her to.

I think you need to give her a bit of space and approach it with a new outlook, she needs space and can't be expected to share with a 2yo so that situation needs to be sorted before even contemplating her coming back home.

Her behaviour is awful, but no 19 year old should be sharing with a 12 and 2 year old - moving out will be the best thing for her.

Why is the 2 year old not in your room? Do you seriously have a room to yourself and all 3 children share?
Maybe she doesn't behave like an adult because you treat her like a child.
She's better off making her own way. She didn't choose to have 3 kids, you did. I wouldn't make my 19 year old share with a 12 and 2 year old. I chose to have 3 kids, there's no reason why my kids should pay the price for that.

Why can’t you go in and share with the younger girls and let your 19-year-old have her own bedroom? I think this is the obvious solution to the space issue

how many other children have you got ?

Whether you mean it or not, your daughter probably feels like she’s having to co parent her siblings with you. On top of that she’s sharing a room with two much younger children and has no privacy. Big spacious room or otherwise. Why can’t the 2 year old be in with you? I agree she shouldn’t be vaping in the flat at all and should be disposing of her rubbish, especially stuff that could cause harm, but getting in a strop with her because she didn’t have time to buy nappies for your child is ridiculous.

Truthfully, are you mostly upset she’s moved out because you miss her or do you miss her making your life easier by picking up the slack a partner would? Maybe she feels taken for granted?

@Kf5453 how many bedrooms do you have OP??? baby, at 2 should really be sharing with you and not a 19 year old! bad enough for the 19 year old to share with a 12 year old. does this mean that the 19 year old has to settle the two year old if it wakens in the middle of the night???

I was expected to share a room with a toddler from the age of 15, I left home as soon as I could at 17. I'm sure my mother would have said I was just as much of a pain as your DD, to be honest I probably was. I wasn't ready to be a parent, but I was expected to do a shitload of parenting. It was shit and I was very unhappy.

It's for the best that she's moved out, what you need to do now is support her to do so safely and carefully so that she doesn't end up in a difficult or dangerous situation.

I'd share the room with my children and let her have my old room.

The 2 year old and all their needs are your responsibility not your 19 year old daughters. You didn't want to go to the shops in bad weather for your baby's nappies but expected your 19 year old to. Your home life sounds like chaos and isn't fair on any of the kids. If she is studying to get into uni she needs peace and quiet not to be sharing with a baby and a pre teen. You need to be sharing with the baby.
I really feel for the 19 year old here. She has had hervworld turned upside down at an important stage in her life because you chose to have another child that hou didn't have the space for. She is probably feeling completely pushed out of her home.

She might have ignored you because what she really wanted to say is ‘I need a mum who’s not running around after a toddler all day, and I would like my own space’ but she knew that there was no point in saying that.

Do you think she maybe ignored you because experience has taught her that asking you for what she needs hasn’t worked in the past?

Also you keep referring to ‘my children’ as if she isn’t one of them. I really hope you never ever do that in front of her..

I feel sorry for your 19 year old, she’s suffering thanks to you not making very sensible choices in life.

YABU
no 19 year old should be sharing a room with younger siblings that's utterly ridiculous.. of course it doesn't work.. or course she hates it and it's not safe fir the younger kids.
She needs to leave. She's done the right thing. It's not suitable having all those kids with such a big age difference in one room. She needs to be housed by the council. I think you should support her in that, it's a good idea

She sounds like a fairly normal 19 year old. Sharing with a 12 year old is not ideal. Sharing with a two year old? The only adult that should be sharing with a 2 year old is their parent.

I feel pretty sorry for her. Being stuck in a room with a 12yo and a 2yo at her age is pretty horrible. I'd want to move out asap too.

I just noticed also you said about her waking 2 year old up and you put a stop to everything after 12pm... again in nicest way possible she's 19 OP. Perfectly normal and lots of teenagers up to all hours of the night there's actually evidence about sleeping patterns changing etc
Poor girl will feel like prisoner in her own home with stipulations on what she can and can't do

Agree with every word of this!

To be honest I see both sides to this. Ultimately rudeness isn’t acceptable, however…

She sounds like she has a miserable life. I’m in my 20s and I also moved out at 19 for university. However my teen years were not spent sharing a room with siblings, let alone a baby(!)

I had my room decorated exactly how I liked it, was able to have sleepovers and people over, was able to listen to what I wanted without worrying about waking up a baby(!) and had all the usual teen experiences. I never had to worry about being asked to cook for the household or go grocery shopping for everyone…

I think you really underestimate how poor her quality of life is as a teenager. It doesn’t sound like you have the space/funds, so I’m not saying you’re a bad parent but I think the decision to make her sleep with your baby is ridiculous. You’re the mum, it’s your child, the baby should be in your own bedroom. She’s basically spent some of the best years of her life being a mum to her siblings . You are basically using her as childcare/household support but - she’s not your partner. You’re using her to share your responsibility.

She probably feels completely sidelined for your other kids. 19 and 12 is a huge age gap, let alone 19 and 2.

also I wasn’t sure how you intended the voting to work but I think she made the right decision by moving out, and I don’t think she was treated well. Don’t get me wrong she probably acted out and pushed boundaries but I understand why

Why won’t you take the youngest into your room? Why? Share a bed if you have to.

This is so unfair on your daughter.

She needs consistency and room to study. If she is homeless now, it will seriously hamper her chances of getting to university.

You need to be a parent and have enough nappies for your baby. Not make your 19y buy them as you have run out.

You start "training " children in lifeskills at a much younger age.

Doing everything for children teaches them nothing.

I did put my 2 year old in with me for a while but it's also my 12 year old, I don't want her vaping in there and leaving empty vape bottles around.

if you did it for a while, why did you stop?

When you say that "none of my other children are like that", just how many children do you have and what ages are the others?

I'm not defending your DD's behaviour but you've created upheaval for your DD at least twice when producing new siblings. Even worse, she's had to share a room with them.

I presume there's at least one partner in the situation too. Does your DD see her father at all?