Do you teach your child to hit back?

[SweetBobby]

If yes, why?
If no, why?

I do and I feel pretty strongly about it. Being able to stand up for yourself in life is absolutely vital.

YABU- No I don't
YANBU- Yes I do

No but we are primary age. It’s always tell the teacher and try to understand actions. We don’t hit other people.

However I may have a different opinion if they were older in secondary and the school where doing nothing about my child being bullied. If it was malicious targeting by a bully…..I think I might tell them to punch back

They have both learned self defence at their youth club. They are taught firstly to avoid trouble, secondly to get away from trouble, but if you can't do either, then do anything you have to, to survive. I will admit to being surprised when the instructor said " in this situation, bite them in the eyeball!"

I haven’t read the full thread but I don’t teach my kids to hit back because physical violence is never okay.

A playground scrap might not seem like a big deal.

But I don’t want a kid who throws a punch in a bar and accidentally kills someone.

Or a son who hits a partner.

Hitting is never okay.

Sure teach kids to advocate for themselves but that can be done without violence.

Standing up for yourself as a child in the playground does not mean you are going to grow up into a wife beater.

Nobody needs to be "taught" to hit back. It's an instinct in the heat of the moment to fight or flight. I'd "teach" them to avoid at all costs getting into any physical altercation, but if totally unavoidable, self defense, minimal reasonable force and get the hell out as soon as possible. That's it, that's also in line with what the law is going to expect from them as adults.

Absolutely not. I have taught them to stick up for themselves when needed but mostly to remember bullies are just genuinely unhappy kids and to not take it personally. My parents were all turn the other cheek and ignore it but that doesn't really work. If someone is giving you lip, give it back. I don't really think violence is the answer. I've never been in a situation where anyone has thrown a punch at me though, nor have my kids thankfully. Id probably not recommended hitting back for fear of it escalating.

One mother at the school gates was going mad because her year 5 boy had been hit. She stormed into reception demanding to see the head. Which she eventually did. We all knew him as a bully right through school.

The story eventually came out that he had been tormenting a year 2 boy whose dad had been teaching him rugby and taken him to the local club at weekends. The boy just put his head down shoulder out and barged him knocking him off his feet.

There were a lot of amused mums at the gate after that came out.

Yup, my view is we are animals at the end of the day and when children are being socialised they have to learn the law of the jungle before they learn the laws of being civilised. It protects them. Usually a willingness to react to aggression will take the target off your back quickly. Mine is utterly civilised, will definitely stand up for herself but always tells her teacher, she’s a decent boxer (no girls at her club so she’s used to sparring with boys so she understands the differences in strength) so push comes to shove she can actually defend herself but it would have to be extreme for her to ever smack someone. I think thats the right balance.

The reality is there are times when you have to use force, I head butted someone once when they grabbed me. i’ve dug nails in when required to get someones hands off me. I am an extremely polite person, people pleaser even but I’ve had defend myself in a blind panic. It’s important to me that my DD can defend herself with whatever tools she has at hand in a conscience way.

Good for him.

Defending yourself isn't anything like being a domestic abuser or a thug. One of my brother's best mates boxed from about 7yo and was a natural - went on to compete in amateur boxing in his 20s.

He was one of the nicest lads I knew and didn't need to try and throw his weight around or bully people for kudos because everybody in his year knew it'd be suicide to pick a fight with him. The only time I remember somebody trying it on was a much bigger kid from the year above who'd picked on his sister. My brother's mate just winded him with a body shot like it was nothing and the guy never went near either of them again!

I'd rather my child walked away than escalated the violence and potentially have the shit beaten out of them.

I really agree. It is ok when they are 5, but as teens, they cannot fight against people who are armed. Sadly, too many children are. So, we need to teach strategies that keep our children alive. Fighting someone who has a knife and is willing to use it is dangerous in the extreme.

I have no doubt in my head. I will remove my child from school in a heartbeat if they are a target. I will move. I would move country even, and can do because I am not from here.

My children know we have options about where we live. We have family in several places. We have jobs that travel. We have the resources to upsticks if we need to and if my child was in danger, that is what we would do.

I remember one occasion. When sons friend left a nightclub to organise taxis for a group of them. An unpleasant group of lads who'd been barred from the club lay in waiting for a fight. They surrounded him started in on him. The bouncers disappeared

Behind this the rest of the group arrived at the entrance, all rugby players from the local team who'd won their match earlier. The scrotes lying in wait fled after a few well thrown punches.

The two bouncers magically reappeared thanking them.

Not to hit back, because hitting back is not really self-defence, but I've told DD1 that if someone might be about to hurt her, then to hold her hands out in front of her and physically prevent/push them away.

Yea, this analogy bugs me for two reasons…

1. Never fight back in case your bully ends up in a more powerful position than you in many years to come - worst example I have ever heard for not hitting back.
2. The children that do the bullying in school go on to hold the more powerful positions later in life and the victims of the bullies will always be submissive to them?

But this often means he'll just become the punching bag. I think it's different for girls but my heart goes out to boys that are getting bullied and haven't been taught to stand up for themselves. It's crushing for their self esteem and sets them up badly for the transition into adulthood.

Look at pretty much every teen movie ever where bullies get their comeuppance. Stuff like The Karate Kid. It's never through them being reported to the teacher and getting a detention. 😂 It's always through getting a taste of their own medicine.

I'm sure that everyone would rather have their child walk away - but what if they bullies won't allow that? What if the adults in the vicinity turn a blind eye because they don't want to get involved?

I had a miserable first three years at secondary school. It was never one on one - there was always a gang involved and I was followed home and beaten en route a couple of times. Once it was only a few thumps on the back which I tried to ignore while walking home and praying that the adults who could see this would intervene. The second time, my nose was bloodied.

One of the bullies was the local Police Inspector's daughter.

I recall a music lesson where the teacher left the class unattended for a while. In the interim, someone put her scarf round my neck and started to strangle me. I thought that I was going to die. When the teacher came back, she accepted that it was only "horseplay".

Staff at the school largely didn't want to know. Once, a teacher tried to help by reporting it to the SLT. I'd been beaten up in the PE changing rooms. The PE staff did nothing. At English the next period, the teacher saw the marks on my face and contacted the Depute. The Depute passed it to the Head. Nothing was done.

Finally, one of the bullies cornered me in the girls' toilets yet again. This time, she was on her own and I finished things. (No blood was shed.)

Sometimes, fighting back is the only option.

My late husband did martial arts. Children in the dojo were taught to avoid trouble at all costs. If you had no other option, you fought back.

Yes, both kids have stood up for themselves when physically bullied and it hasn't happened again. I've tried to emphasise they can use force to stop someone hurting them, rather than 'hitting back' as such.

I was bullied by a teacher's son for well over a year. Until I gave him a bloody nose. I think 'avoiding violence' is the best goal, but once you're being hit it's a choice of being a victim or nipping it in the bud. Bullies won't usually go for somebody that's prepared to hit them back, even if said person is smaller.

Yes I do. In an ideal world you wouldn't have to but bullies want an easy target, a child that won't defend themselves physically. I'd also be happy to tell the school that I've told them to hit back if they got into trouble for it.

What I will say though is some children won't hit back even if you tell them it's OK. My nephew was quite a soft child and whenever he got hit in primary school he never hit back and he wasn't bullied but there were a few incidences that probably wouldn't have happened if they knew he'd defend himself. He's 14 now and almost 6 foot. He plays rugby so he's physically fit but he still wouldn't hit back (we talked about it recently), but no-one would pick on him these days because they wouldn't fancy their chances by looking at him.

My kids are pre schoolers but if someone lifts their hand I'll tell them to hit back harder. But whether they will depend on their personality. I wouldn't ever get angry for them not hitting someone back though. It's just something I'd encourage.

I think a lot of these responses are coming from the perspective of parents with young kids. Telling a teacher or saying “NO!” in a firm voice might be appropriate at age 6, but if a teenager tried either of those things in high school, chances are they’re getting done in (and being laughed at by their peers until the end of time).

My kid is nursery age so we’re far from these situations but when they’re older, they’ll be told to hit back and hit hard. They’ll know that no matter what, if their teacher has an issue with them standing up for themselves, the teacher can contact me and I’ll deal with it. I’ll definitely try and get them into boxing/MMA so that any little shit who wants to take a pop will soon find out it’s not a good idea.

In the future, if I got a call from their school saying my kid had hit (and hopefully hurt) someone who was trying to bully them, I’d reward my kid without hesitation.

As an aside, where I’m from, it wouldn’t be uncommon for the mothers of the children involved to fight too. Especially if the mother of the bully does the “but he’s got anxiety/autism/his dad left last year” approach.

30 yrs ago, a boy in the secondary school where I worked started a fight with a mild mannered pupil after the last bell had gone. The victim tried to walk away. The other boy ripped his blazer and began to pummel him. (This was a state secondary school.)

The victim finished it. He was taking martial arts lessons outside school.

The headmaster wanted to exclude the victim for having the temerity to defeat the bully. The bully's mother intervened. She told the HT that her son was out of control and she was relieved that someone had finally sorted him out.

The best thing is to avoid a fight if you can. If you can't, then you have to protect yourself.

Have discussed with my child about hitting back if they feel able to do so and they feel it’s justified, but not just for the sake of it.

For example, if another child pushes you, it’s a one off and you aren’t hurt at all - tell them firmly not to put their hands on you, walk away if you can and tell the teacher if you feel it necessary.
If they do it again, you have every right to push them back but you don’t have to and can instead tell the teacher.

We have discussed the consequences of hitting back, that it could get him into trouble, escalate into a fight (and he may lose) or make him feel bad later (he is very empathetic and sensitive).

He has been hit numerous times at primary school and rarely hits back as he is worried about getting into trouble.
He always gives a warning first, which usually works.

Yes I do now.
I always used to say just tell a teacher or a playground attendant but it doesn’t work !
The teachers do nothing and the aggressive kids just pick on the vulnerable kids.
So now I tell mine to hit back , I’m sick of my kids being “ lashed out at “ then when I complain they say “ oh so and so was overwhelmed “.
It doesn’t give these kids the right to just lash out and hit every day .
So now my kids stick up for themselves if they are hit first In any situation.

I actively encouraged my 2 children to hit back . I absolutely told them they would not be in trouble.They never would though.
I've been a teacher a long time and certainly do not advocate this in school, but I cannot begin to count the children who would stop bullying others if they received a taste of their own medicine.