Do you teach your child to hit back?

[SweetBobby]

If yes, why?
If no, why?

I do and I feel pretty strongly about it. Being able to stand up for yourself in life is absolutely vital.

YABU- No I don't
YANBU- Yes I do

Yep after months of bullying and trying to handle it by reporting to the school, telling her to tell the teacher and nothing being done. I told her to hit them until they cry. The bullying stopped the moment she retaliated.

That's what I did after weeks of bullying by a girl gang. I lost it at PE out in the field. Charged at her like a bull knocked her to the ground and pummelled her. She begged for mercy in front of her mates. I stopped, not realising the teacher had seen from the distance. As she walked past me she smiled and whispered well done.

Ish.

As in , if there's no other alternative, you can't walk away, no friends to help or raise the alarm, no adults etc. and someone put their hands on you , then yeah , you hit and hit hard. No one expects a kid, or anyone to just sit there and get beaten. She hasn't had to do this so far.

And against boys and unwanted touching. Loud stop and push them/their hands away or hit if needed. This has been used a few times, even in primary.

Don't have kids, but would absolutely teach them this.

My parents did, I used it once at primary, once at secondary and never needed to again.

Every one of my (mostly male, but some female) friends whose parents taught them not to retaliate and to tell a teacher ..... were bullied continually for years at school to the extent that most of them had issues as adults, and not one of the schools did anything adequate about it.

I have never heard a single anecdote of schools managing bullying effectively, from any person in any context, in all the times this discussion has come up. And not one person who took the non-violence/non-retaliation approach who didn't say they regretted it as an adult and wished their parents had advised them to hit back.

I have zero faith in schools or teachers to manage this adequately, and agree that it's important to stand up for yourself.

And also to assess risk accurately, as it may not always be appropriate...

I teach mine to tell someone immediately, and tell me (as I've had to force the school to enact the process) or use other techniques, such as hand out, loud voice 'stop' and don't react physically, unless they feel they've no choice to defend themselves to get away.

In high school, in my first week the 'mentor' student told me to not react (either verbally or physically) as the feral teen bullies loved it. Those that reacted became the bullies' mark, often for years. They were right.

It's much worse now, as the school does nothing as they have no power. Hence why my DS is off to a genuine zero tolerance high school next year.

No, because it makes them just as much of a twat as the person that hit them.

I teach them that hitting is for less intelligent people who don't have the vocabulary to use words to solve problems.

All of my kids to MMA and know how to defend themselves though.

Yes well that’s not quite the same scenario, if my boss hit me it’s game over for them, not me. I wouldn’t hit back as an adult in that situation and I don’t think many would unless it was full on attack at which like I said “enough force necessary to get time to get away!”

I've 3 DC, oldest 2 are now adults. After incidents that they got involved in when they were younger (never caused by them & one had to attend minor injuries for an x ray as the school though the other child might have broken their arm) I've now taught DC3 to shout 'stop/you're hurting me/let go of me now' etc very loudly to draw adults attention to whats going on.

If the other child doesn't let go/stop hurting them etc, then they are to hit/kick/push (depending on what they are able to do them) as hard as they possibly can so they are free to get away from them.

I've said that they must never start it, but if the child hurting them doesn't stop after they've shouted at them to then they are allowed to do whatever it takes to get them to let go.

DC3 is not aggressive in any way whatsoever but I won't have them targeted like DC1 & 2 were by other kids who have 'issues'. I learnt my lesson with the others as I was too understanding of the other child's issues & the schools problem with managing their aggression. I won't make the same mistake again.

He'd have probably got a beating for being a grass if went running to the teacher.

Yeah I heard that Putin's mum did that too and now he's the leader of the largest country in the world 🙄

The best self-defense is to get away.
Small children can tell a grown-up. Once big enough, where that's not an option, get away if possible. These days, you don't know what the other person is carrying as a weapon.

I agree bullying is shit,and sometimes being belted back works, but only if you are stronger, faster, and can carry it off. If you aren't, you are likely to come worse off.
I often see on here, 'teach them boxing/ martial arts' but that often gives kids a false sense of ability, particularly if they attend mcgym/mcdojos. It takes years to be good enough for it to be useful.

Well if you think that a boss is like a primary school kid and this is a good equivalent situation, then you live on a fairly different planet to me.

I don't recall anyone I've ever met telling a story about their boss punching staff.

Equally a couple of primary age kids in yr2 is a very different situation to a couple of yr9s who sadly may be involved with knives.

Personally, I think you teach kids to read the situation and handle it in an age appropriate fashion.

So yes under certain circumstances if you've been hit, yes to lamping back. But equally teach them at an appropriate age, that they've reached the point that this isn't going to either be effective anymore, will backfire and yes might put them at risk of knife crime.

But Yr3, when one kids decides it's fair game to lamp everyone and school do fuck all about it? Hell yes, I'm going to say just hit him back and we'll sort out the mess if you get caught, but preferably don't get caught.

Why? Because it's actually effective and there's certain kids for whom other forms of communication fail to register.

Get away and tell a teacher if you can. If you can’t, kick shins, jab to gut or grapple and drop your body weight.

My 3 kids are very well behaved at school and academic high performers- I tell them that because of that, they will get one free pass and to use it wisely. Hopefully they will never need to though.

I always told mine you never hit first but if someone hits you you belt them back twice as hard and if they come at you again you belt hell out them.

No.
In most cases you are far, far safer to walk away.

In the school I work in, we don’t have a big bullying problem (primary) but we actively work to spot patterns and try to nip anything in the bud before it gets going. We did have one troublesome child a few years ago. One girl said ‘my mum has told me to hit him back but harder and he’ll stop.’
Problem with that scenario was a) she’d never be able to hit harder. And b) he’d have relished the fight. He came from a very rough and tumble background. He would not have been confused but would have floored her.

As an adult, there is a strong chance that someone who is happy with their fists also has a weapon. I’m not taking the chance but will look for a way out every time.

When my kid was getting hit on the football field in PE miles from any teacher I told him that ideally he would tell a teacher and he should do that where possible but if not he was fine to block.

We'd all started martial arts classes about six months before and he knew some basic blocks.

So next time the kid tried to punch him he blocked the punch and the kid got a very bruised arm.

He's now 24 and a black belt.

Last year two mums were passing the school play ground for the infants. They saw a little boy on the ground being pummelled. They ran into the main reception saying what had happened and that there was no adult on duty in the playground. The fight was broken up.

The mother of the little boy went to the head who reviewed the CCTV footage and agreed there was not an adult present. Supposed to be a teacher and a TA on duty. The TA was moved and the teacher reprimanded the head said.

So some schools do work bullying wise.

Every day my lovely, quiet, gentle son walked to school, not troubling anyone, just listening to music in his ear buds. Over 6 ft tall at 15 and "lanky" he was the prime target for a cheeky chappy bully boy who followed behind him with his gang of gormless mates and every day they subjected him to "banter" which involved trying to humiliate him in front of all the other students, grabbing his bag, calling him names etc. My son duly tried to ignore them (and they'll get bored I said, blah blah blah, turn the other cheek I said etc) as we'd brought him up to, but it didn't work. They didn't get bored, just saw him as an easy target who didn't fight back. What they didn't know was that my gentle giant had experienced a terrible childhood, he'd been born into a far worse area and situation than any of these "posh bully boys" and he'd been desperately trying to control himself, as he didn't want to turn into the type of people his violent birth parents were. People he'd been removed from by social services after years of violent abuse and eventually adopted by me and my dh. One day, after the ringleeder decided to stick his leg between my sons legs and trip him up, my son ended up flat on his face. Unfortunately (or maybe not) nature overcame nurture and my gentle son got up and punched bully boy right in the face, busting his nose. He then worried himself crazy that he would be in trouble, when he'd been trying so hard just to fit in. However, Bully Boy didn't report it and no one ever bothered my son again.

Yes but only after we had tried getting the school to address it. We were met with boys will be boys and that they can't possibly move her away from him due to COVID seating plans (bollocks, it was absolutely permitted).

She hit him with a full water bottle (metal) after 'accidently' spinning around while holding it after he was bullying her in the playground (where he'd taken the bullying because there was less supervision). He had a rather nice bruise on his leg by all accounts. However the bullying stopped right then and she had no further bother from him. He kept his distance (she kept the water bottle visible!)

I was really proud of her addressing the issue herself and indeed the cunning way she pulled it off. Power to her.

Same here - you had to defend yourself

Violent parents egg on violent children. This thread is awful,

Absolutely, and they trained in combat martial arts to make sure they can always defend themselves if attacked.
I don't ever want them to start anything, but they need to be confident in their own abilities to protect themselves when things aren't going right

I've always told mine that they won't get into trouble if they hit back, but that they shouldn't hit first. Mine are very good at telling the teacher or walking away, and generally quite sensible, and I'm confident they wouldn't go mad and start stuff. I would back them up if they were bullied and retaliated, and they know this.

I was a small girl in school and my mum always said to hit back if someone was getting physical. Luckily it was never anything too serious, but I did whack a few boys back in primary and it may have prevented me getting bullied as they saw I would fight back. Not been in fights since lol.

There’s a difference between being violent and teaching your child to defend themselves! Neither of my children have EVER hit someone else first. In fact my ds gets called out in school all the time for his kindness towards others! My dd hit that one boy the one time and that was it…Because he was hitting her constantly!

Yes, it's awful that sometimes thoroughly decent, good people/children have to retaliate in a way that they don't want to, as sometimes it's the only language these bullies understand.