To baby my teenage sons?

[IamFineIamFINE]

Name changed for this thread but long term poster.

So I see all the posts about how the Mum is to blame for adult men not pulling their weight around the house because 'Mummy' has spoiled him...but is it really the Mum's fault?

Surely as a grown adult you are responsible for your own behaviour?

I see it as the world is a hard place, My sons are only late teens, but I do still do more than I should for this reason. I would have loved to have parents who helped me. That one place where you feel safe and know someone will look after you.

Admittedly even they say at times I need to stop doing everything for them. but I want to. I want to try and alleviate some of the stress that comes with both teenage years and adulthood. They are lovely boys but I do worry I'm setting them up to think other people should look after them.

But surely it should be different if it's their Mum? I certainly wouldn't expect any partner to do it and would definitely give them a dressing down if they tried to shirk their responsibilities in a relationship. This is something I've spoken about along with compromising and respect.

I guess my AIBU is, am I setting myself up to be a hated MIL?

YABU - yes YANBU - no

I am interested in peoples thoughts on it.

You need to listen to them and follow their lead - you may want to but they are telling you to stop and they want to be more independent

that means sometimes they will be and sometimes they won’t but they need to be the ones who decide

I feel for you OP. You're right, the world's a hard place -- but for that reason, we need to set our kids up to be able to handle it on their own.

They're literally asking you to stop and do less. You're not doing it for them, you're doing it for you.

Yes YABU.

They WANT you to do less. They are telling you they need to learn to handle things themselves.

What kinds of things are we talking anyway?

At some point they have to learn these adult skills. It’s better to make these mistakes when they are younger and you can help. Otherwise they’ll be mid 20s and either incompetent or still constantly asking you for help. So when they move in with a partner if they can’t cook, clean etc then whose job is it to help them learn these skills?

Our job as parents is ultimately to make sure they can survive without us.

What do you do for them?
Teach them to cook, show them the cleaning products? Do they know how to operate a washing machine and utilise a cloth and a mop?
I'll tell you one thing, the more you baby them the less appealing they'll be to the opposite sex. Or same sex if that's their thing.
Give as much independence as possible, trust them, by all means give them money if you can afford it.
But don't teach them that women are subordinates who clean up and do housework while men do whatever they 'enjoy'.
I hope you'll encourage them to get part time jobs. Then if they CBA to clean they can pay for a cleaner amongst themselves.

Why aren't you listening to your children and continuing to treat them like they're incapable and incompetent? That's not being a good, loving parent - it's actually being incredibly selfish.

Have you taught them how to do general life tasks? Like cooking, laundry, ironing?

Coddling teens mostly teaches them that they are incapable and can't cope with the world. You're doing it for you, not for them. They've told you themselves it's too much.

Yes, YABVU. I have a teenage son and expect him to do his bit. Mum does not equal skivvy.

Where you've said as an adult your responsible for your own behaviour...that's the point, they don't know how to be if you've always done everything. Any ability for independent thought and problem solving has never been learnt. But as someone married to this type of man and having been raised by a mother who made me do everything myself, I do get jealous sometimes 😆

Hi OP I know what you mean, I am a bit like this too. I am trying not to be though as I think they need to be more independent

Yup, this.

What exactly do you do? Advising on uni courses, fine. Picking their clothes off the floor, not so fine.

How will they learn to pull their weight in a relationship if they get no practice? It’s not just learning to do the task it’s learning to remember that the task needs doing.

Depends on ages and what you are doing for them.

Cooking them dinner if you're cooking anyway is fine. Cooking them something separate and or at a different time is not

Washing their clothes as you've got some to put on anyway is fine but them not hanging them out to dry or putting them away is not

Taking them breakfast in bed as a test I think is not ok but others say this is a nice thing but them not bringing the plates and cups down and washing them is not fine

Putting clothes in the wash basket because there not enough for a load to go on is fine but leaving them on the floor for you to pick up is not ok

Giving them lifts is fine if they are respectful but if they have been rude or messed about in school that day then it's not fine

If you ask them to help with something and they don't do it that's a problem and you end up doing it then that's not fine

Reasons to do less:

1. Learn skills
2. Be more resilient
3. Not be embarrassed that they are mummy boys
4. Make them more attractive (no bigger turn off than a man that can't cook or clean or self manage)
5. Have better happier relationships when older
6. Not have their partners resent you when older
7. Make the transition to uni easier so they don't fail.

If you do anything on mumsnet then you are setting yourself up to be the hated MIL!

It's fine to spoil them, but make sure they have life skills too otherwise you might not get to be a MIL because they might not get taken off your hands.

Can they cook? Can they wash up? Can they do laundry? Can they clean a loo? Can they hoover? Can they mop? Can they wipe down the kitchen without being asked? Can they notice when the loo roll needs replacing? Can they put their dirty clothes in the laundry bin rather than all over the floor? Can they make a cup of tea? Can they make their own appointments? Can they buy their own underwear? Can they show appreciation? If yes, then fine to spoil them. If no, time to stop, teach them and give them a gentle push towards adulthood.

What do you do for them? What’s ’everything’?

tbh I suspect you are doing this more for you than you are for them. Don’t you look forward to a time when they are independent and you get your life back? I have two sons, 16 and 14, and I am certainly looking forward to them becoming independent.

would you do the same if you had daughters?

Mine have some jobs they are responsible for, they're expected to keep their rooms reasonable, change their bedding, bring their washing down, feed themselves if I can't be bothered to cook - all the basics. I've shown them how to use the washing machine, I nag them to clean the toilet after themselves and put their dirty plates in the dishwasher etc. Each thing has been devolved to them as they get old enough to do it.

Outside of Term Time, I also expect each of them to cook dinner for all of us once a week - this is something that gives them the experience they'll need when they live independently - so I'll push them to try and cook something new sometimes (and be there, but not interfere unless something dangerous is happening), and encourage a bit more housework from them.

I hope I strike the balance fairly well. I know parents who do more, and parents who do less.

Stop babying them and let them be the young men they now are. It sounds as though you take pleasure in being of service to them, could you redirect that need for validation/duty into something more fruitful, like helping a charity? When they go out in the world they need to be equipped with skills to get on with things on their own and be an attractive mate for a good woman (who doesn't just want to be a replacement mother!).

I loved babying my teenage sons.

But the youngest turned out ferociously self-sufficient. Literally decided to do everything for himself years ago. Did his own washing from 14. Organised his own driving lessons, applied for passport renewal, did all his own university bollocks - UCAS applications, organised student finance, accommodation etc. He's 19 now. He's a man. He has a girlfriend and he takes really good care of her.

My 21 year old is severely ill so he needs me and I do everything I can to help him. My dream would be for all my children to be really independent but it won't happen as my middle son still needs me.

I do this for dds. 12 and 14.

I know it's no good but it's not worth the hassle.

They do absolutely nothing for themselves.

I want to try and alleviate some of the stress that comes with both teenage years and adulthood.

Research shows that kids who do chores have better MH than kids who don't.

www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Chores_and_Children-125.aspx#:~:text=Children%20who%20do%20chores%20may,%2C%20adversity%2C%20and%20delayed%20gratification.

They say it to be nice. I know they would rather I did these things or else they would refuse to let me, but it's more a 'Mum you don't need to...but thank you'.

We do have a close relationship and if they are adamant about something then I don't of course. But generally they will come to me with anything going on or if they need help.

But then basic things I know they should be doing, I don't ask them to do (like ironing their own clothes or putting a wash on)....that's the part I'm worried about because I see so many posts saying 'he expects me to do everything because his mother did' or he wants a replacement Mum.

If I tell them (as I am) that a relationship is equal and chores are to be split individually, then is it ok for me still to look after them while I can?

Their Dad and I are no longer together. He does make them do things around his house which I agree with, I just don't want to because I still see them as my children who I have to look after. I think I'll be the same when they are in their 40s to be honest (if I'm still here that is), and I guess I don't want to feel like I'm ruining their development?