To baby my teenage sons?

[IamFineIamFINE]

Name changed for this thread but long term poster.

So I see all the posts about how the Mum is to blame for adult men not pulling their weight around the house because 'Mummy' has spoiled him...but is it really the Mum's fault?

Surely as a grown adult you are responsible for your own behaviour?

I see it as the world is a hard place, My sons are only late teens, but I do still do more than I should for this reason. I would have loved to have parents who helped me. That one place where you feel safe and know someone will look after you.

Admittedly even they say at times I need to stop doing everything for them. but I want to. I want to try and alleviate some of the stress that comes with both teenage years and adulthood. They are lovely boys but I do worry I'm setting them up to think other people should look after them.

But surely it should be different if it's their Mum? I certainly wouldn't expect any partner to do it and would definitely give them a dressing down if they tried to shirk their responsibilities in a relationship. This is something I've spoken about along with compromising and respect.

I guess my AIBU is, am I setting myself up to be a hated MIL?

YABU - yes YANBU - no

I am interested in peoples thoughts on it.

@IamFineIamFINE well you better be prepared to take them back when the mother of your grandchildren kicks their useless arse out the door.

I do a lot for my DS. Unfortunately it is the very traditional things like laundry, cooking and cleaning up after him. However he does a lot for me, and its the only way I can reciprocate. I have absolutely no fear this will make him a bad partner. He is capable of doing the things I do (they're not rocket science, are they?) and knows well the difference between a mum and a wife.

The best thing you can do to set them up for adult life is teach them how to look after themselves,

My MIL made sure all her kids could cook as well as she does, do laundry, basic sewing and manage their own admin. She still loves to look after them all now but they are not dependent on her or anyone else.

It's our job to prepare our kids for the world, not shelter them from it.

As much as you say you're doing it for them, it sounds like you're doing it for yourself.

Can they do it themselves? Can they cook, clean, change their bedding, use a washing machine, hoover, change a lightbulb etc? Do they know how often things need doing and where the materials are kept?

If they know how and when and where but you enjoy doing it then I won't judge but I do judge people not teaching their children how to take care of themselves ready for when they have their own home or for times they need to help in their parents home while living there.

If I tell them (as I am) that a relationship is equal and chores are to be split individually, then is it ok for me still to look after them while I can?

Not really, no. You're saying one thing but your actions prove you don't mean it.

Can you reframe it in your head as looking after them by teaching them - through repetition and active participation - how to look after themselves?

Do you have an independent identity that's not "Mum"?
Because that's the other side of allowing them to develop their independence, you need to rediscover yours too.

You haven't actually clarified how you are babying them.
In general doing too much for them at this age is not going to help them long term, perhaps you have some unresolved issues about your own upbringing that are clouding your judgement, maybe speak to a therapist.

There's no point in you telling them.that women aren't skivvies if you act as their skivvy.
Actions speak louder than words.
Their MH wont be affected if you make them do laundry.

I get where you are coming from and in some respects I feel the same sometimes although mine are only early teen and tween.
The thing is one of our most important jobs as a parent is to give them the gift of independence. Sure that means you have to have a secure and loving childhood, but alongside this nurturing and encouraging independence is paramount. This goes against the feeling of babying and Molly coddling them. You literally have to push them into independence if their personality isn’t that way.
YOU might like doing all this stuff for them, but it’s not what they need as late teens IMO. Being a parent is hard and you have to let go and push them out of the nest and encourage them to fly without you, no matter how hard that is for you.

You are not preparing them for adult independence. How do you think they are going to manage the demands of earning a living and general adulting if you don't support them towards that goal.

Responsibilities generally increase with age so they need to become proficient at the basics now before they have to deal with the more serious challenges life throws at them. No one needs to be 25, working long hours and stressed because they don't know how to do laundry.

I think you do it because you want to feel needed, a future partner probably won't feel quite as enthusiastic about their domestic incompetence. Stop justifying what you're doing and help them develop essential life skills.

It depends what you do for them. My adult DS called me today to let me know that the dispute negotiation skills I taught him as a teen paid off today in getting his flat deposit back. They both clearly remember me taking them to Game to negotiate a replacement for a second hand playstation and explaining how I would approach it and why. You need to think about how your help will make them successful as adults.

When they are 40 and you are older (say 70) if your sons let you do chores while they sit around I would think very very very badly of them. I would think they were entitled spoiled men who had no respect for their mum.

My kid is still very young but I make sure he is involved in a lot of the cooking I do, helps put the laundry in, load and help empty the washer, clear the table after dinner. Always puts clothes in the hamper. Knows if toys/ arts and crafts aren’t put away after using they’ll be going in the bin.

he already notices if the house is cleaner than when he left for school this morning, if theres mess he suggest we clean up.

my plan is as he grows he makes dinner once or twice a week for the family, help with meal planning, do own laundry and put it away.

I understand wanting to make their life easier but also they have to learn to think and notice what needs to be done not just throw stuff around mindlessly and the house fairy to pick after them. the complaints most women have are around having to think about all the stuff that needs doing and you’re taking that away from your kids.

They say it to be nice. I know they would rather I did these things or else they would refuse to let me, but it's more a 'Mum you don't need to...but thank you'.

We all have stuff we don’t want to do and it’s lovely that someone can do it for you but it doesn’t work like that when you’re an adult. Nobody is doing the chores for you that you don’t like.

These things that they don’t want to do and you do, are they things that should have been done at an earlier point? They’ve not put the washing on but could have done it hours ago when they woke up and now it’s late afternoon and you do it for them because they need their kit and they know if they say a thank you, all is ok? If so, then yes you are developing men that are perfectly capable of doing housework but choose not to because their time is more important than a woman’s but it’s ok as long as they say thank you after and acknowledge the woman didn’t need to (even though she did). I think the fact that their dad makes them do chores and you don’t is also affirming that a man’s time is more valuable.

Even they are telling you to stop. We all need to learn how to be self sufficient to cook, clean and be good partners not takers when do you expect them to learn? Maybe when they are 30 living in squaller on junk food?

Your job as a parent is to raise independent, well equipped, well rounded adults, not to fulfil your own wants and desires.

You're doing them no favours doing everything for them and they don't even want you to.

Why not continue to be involved by teaching them skills? It seems more about you not wanting to stop being needed than helping them grow as their own people.

DH took some training, his family had a housekeeper and then he lived in halls of residence for years and then was a lodger in a family home. So at the grand old age of 28 when I first met him he had literally done FA. He is still a bit shit at understanding priority and needs direction on occasion but we split chores well.

I was running the family home when my Mother was widowed when my stepfather died when I was 13 as she had a breakdown.

I taught DS how to cook at 13 and he has always had to help. He also went to cadets so can iron far better than I ever could. He cooks for his GF at our house when they have a little kitchen dinner date and we make ourselves scarce.

I knew full well making him a fully functioning adult was a job worth doing.

Lots of men claim not to be able to work a washing machine. Can he cook? Are you teaching him that it's only you that are treating him like a prince and the right thing to do is help out?

Well said

Ask yourself whether you want them to grow up to be fully functioning adults or expensive exotic pets. Act accordingly.

My mother did this for her DS. He is currently living with me and driving me up the absolute wall. I’m married with young children and I work, so does my husband. We are pushing DB to learn things but I resent my mother leaving this to be my problem, and see no future for him in a relationship if he keeps living like this - or even living independently. Even when he tries to do things it’s utterly useless and it takes all my prayers and effort to hold my breath!
You are absolutely setting them up for failure.

DS1 is lazy, happily lets me do his laundry, ironing, cooking, food shopping etc. But he’s at uni now so he’s had to do it all himself. Steep learning curve but he’s managed it. He’s lazy again when he comes home, but I think it’s more of a “mum looks after me so I’ll enjoy it” than a “I’m a man so I never have to do anything”. He’s perfectly capable of doing what needs to be done, but if someone else offers, he’s happy!

I know. I feel bad if I don't. As my earlier comment said, if they REALLY didn't want me to the they'd not let me. I am definitely not an authoritarian so they aren't scared to tell me anything.

My eldest son did say to me as well that I worry too much, but that he doesn't mind because he knows it's only because I care.

I have already guessed a lot of the way I think is due to my own upbringing and I want to be the opposite. I just wasn't sure if it was really that bad when you compare it to not being looked after at all. And if they know they should pull their weight when it comes to other relationships, is it really so bad?

I lived alone from age 16. I had no knowledge of how to run a household or budget, but I picked it up because I had to. I've been thinking that when they are ready to leave I can at least help them prepare at that time?