To baby my teenage sons?

[IamFineIamFINE]

Name changed for this thread but long term poster.

So I see all the posts about how the Mum is to blame for adult men not pulling their weight around the house because 'Mummy' has spoiled him...but is it really the Mum's fault?

Surely as a grown adult you are responsible for your own behaviour?

I see it as the world is a hard place, My sons are only late teens, but I do still do more than I should for this reason. I would have loved to have parents who helped me. That one place where you feel safe and know someone will look after you.

Admittedly even they say at times I need to stop doing everything for them. but I want to. I want to try and alleviate some of the stress that comes with both teenage years and adulthood. They are lovely boys but I do worry I'm setting them up to think other people should look after them.

But surely it should be different if it's their Mum? I certainly wouldn't expect any partner to do it and would definitely give them a dressing down if they tried to shirk their responsibilities in a relationship. This is something I've spoken about along with compromising and respect.

I guess my AIBU is, am I setting myself up to be a hated MIL?

YABU - yes YANBU - no

I am interested in peoples thoughts on it.

Yes, I'm definitely realising that! I'm glad I posted. I hope you are happier now x

And thanks to all the people who were firm but gave constructive advice rather than scoffing at me.

I would never think it was their partners role to do this...however, I'm not exactly leading by example! Took me a while to get back to the thread but I have genuinely taken on board the consensus and alleviated some guilt that I 'have to' do all this stuff to make them feel loved. There is a middle ground which is the best thing for them.

Fair play to you @IamFineIamFINE you are really considering all the points made. I’m sure your boys will relish the chance to take care of you a bit more.

Thank you so much for your kindness. I really do want whatever is best for them, I thought I was putting them first but I've not been helping them in the way I should have been.

Seconded. I was pretty direct earlier in the thread but you've taken this on board with grace and it seems like you're genuinely reflecting.

It will be good for everyone - you, your teens, their future partners and lives - if you establish more of a life for yourself, make them more self-sufficient, and are able to wean yourself from being "needed" by them. More outside interests for you that require them to fend for themselves more often would be a great start. Maybe even some counselling. After all, do you want them to think of Mum as someone always at home cooking and cleaning and waiting on people and needing to be needed and needing them to be babies, or as an independent, interesting woman with her own life and interests who makes them feel good by treating them as the competent adults they are?

@IamFineIamFINE thanks again. I hope I came off as someone offering a wise warning rather than a scoffer! The fact you posted shows you could see maybe things needed to change a bit. I wish you and your sons well x

Thank you. I was a mum very young, all I've known from my young adult life is being Mum and trying to be the opposite from my Mum.

I truly do feel much more positive that I can be a loving parent without doing everything.

Mumsnet is a crazy place sometimes! I have felt quite strongly I've been doing right by them for all this time, but reading people experiences and thoughts have helped more than I can express (I am a little bit upset about being called a bad parent a good few times but it comes with the territory!) I'm genuinely grateful for the feedback.

You're definitely not a bad parent but we all do things that are not always the best. I totally get your reasons and your really brave to look at them and re consider hoping you can be pampered as bit going forward.

They are telling you to stop but you are putting your needs before them so basically you are doing it for you not them at all

@IamFineIamFINE I get it. I was independant very young and was never doted on. I wanted to give my sons what I wasn't given just like you. Sometimes it can go too far I suppose. Mine are 14 (ND and definitely not independant and might never be, who knows) and 11. I'm starting slowly to demand my youngest to do certain chores but ofcourse it's hard when he sees his big brother get a free pass because of his mental struggles. So it seems unfair why I don't want to ask too much.. it's really hard..

I totally understand. I have an ND child I've not mentioned in my OP for those reasons. But I can't even use that as an excuse, because my DS's fully understand it's not the same. Your 11yo is still young but they'll understand too.

That's one thing I have been firm with. Their sister has a hard enough time as it is and cannot be held to the same standards (okay, in this case it's not about chores as I've not been making my DS's do anything!) but in other ways. She cannot go out with her friends freely like they can. She cannot understand things they find easy like money.

I don't know if that is helpful to you, but maybe if you try explain that while they find x,y,z unfair, there are many things that they are able to do and things they will be able to do in future, that their sibling will or may not ever be able to do. Your older child did not ask for this anymore than you did and in a perfect world they would be capable of the same things xx

Had a chat with my 18 yo. He's in complete agreement I need to be a bit tougher, reiterated that he realised himself he should be doing more because people don't want a relationship with someone who can't equally bring something to the table (his exact words!).

He also said he thinks younger teen is quite happy for people to do stuff for him which I agree with - but again, that's my fault.

I am doing some decorating and told DS2 he would be helping and he agreed. Just a little thing but hopefully things progress from here!

They sound like lovely young men so you should have some pride in that. Train them well and they’ll be great parents like you one day (the fact you are willing to listen and change makes you great imo).

I think it sounds like you're on a good path now, OP. Your sons will benefit from having to be more independence and agency. You'll be so proud, seeing them grow into capable young men.

And you'll get to put your feet up from time to tine, which is a bonus.

Thank you @Bornnotbourne and @JingleB xx

The one good thing about me trying to overcompensate is I've put a large amount of time into talking about feelings so at least we can do that. I don't know what DS1 has been watching or doing, but he said he's learned that to have another girlfriend (last one was a year ago), that he needs to be able to look after himself, drive and show he's got ambition. He said he's been trying to tell DS2 this but as he's a couple of years younger, he's just getting annoyed he's being preached to.

But they're still only young and I've realised where I'm going wrong so hopefully that's us heading in the right direction.

What are you afraid of? Why are you suffocating them? There is looking after someone and then there is doing everything for them. The latter is actually annoying!! As much as they probably will just let you do it.

It’s funny, I hear this attitude more from boy mum then girl mums, and I don’t know why. If you have teens, why Arn’t you teaching them to be self sufficient? My daughter is 13 - whilst I do a lot for her, I have moments where she cooks with me, she tidies with me and does the laundry with me. And every now and then she will do it herself, but at least she’s learned the foundation.

Let them learn basic life skills. Telling them isn’t enough. It’s embarrassing to live alone in your 20s and not be able to cook for yourself - and live off take always all the time.

My ex was sooo spoilt by him mum - he couldn’t make himself anything and I wasn’t “house wife” enough for him. My current partner is so self sufficient, it’s great - we can share the loa (then again he had loads of siblings and so his mum probably didn’t have time to suffocate him).

Let them learn some life skills.

I try to remind him when he finds things unfair that isn't he happy he's got friends who invites him regularly/ birthday parties etc which his brother hasn't. So yes, he needs to do his homework while his brother doesn't have any homework etc..
I think that you got things right with your sons because they do seem to realise that it's not "normal" for you to help them out as much as you do and they seem to appreciate it, not expect it so they're not entitled. I think that's key here. I know my youngest is very helpful when he stays over at Mil's. She's over 80 and she says he's lovely picking things up, asking to help out so she doesn't have to bend over/ make too much efforts. Parents always tell me he's so polite and helpful. One of his teachers said he's like a little "mum" in the class helping people out. So I really think he will make a great partner to a lucky girl someday because of his empathy and kindness. And your sons seem to be highly aware that you helping them out is a bonus, not something to be expected. They telling you you don't have to is because they don't want to take advantage of you: they're not entitled but grateful. So I think they'll make great partners as well.

You sound like a lovely mum. 🌻