To baby my teenage sons?

[IamFineIamFINE]

Name changed for this thread but long term poster.

So I see all the posts about how the Mum is to blame for adult men not pulling their weight around the house because 'Mummy' has spoiled him...but is it really the Mum's fault?

Surely as a grown adult you are responsible for your own behaviour?

I see it as the world is a hard place, My sons are only late teens, but I do still do more than I should for this reason. I would have loved to have parents who helped me. That one place where you feel safe and know someone will look after you.

Admittedly even they say at times I need to stop doing everything for them. but I want to. I want to try and alleviate some of the stress that comes with both teenage years and adulthood. They are lovely boys but I do worry I'm setting them up to think other people should look after them.

But surely it should be different if it's their Mum? I certainly wouldn't expect any partner to do it and would definitely give them a dressing down if they tried to shirk their responsibilities in a relationship. This is something I've spoken about along with compromising and respect.

I guess my AIBU is, am I setting myself up to be a hated MIL?

YABU - yes YANBU - no

I am interested in peoples thoughts on it.

No, OP. You need to let them start doing things.

It doesn't matter how much you tell them they'll need to do it in a partnership. Words are meaningless, actions are what count. You're going to make them lazy.

You're not doing it for them though, you're doing it to fulfil a need in you.

"I do all the cooking and cleaning for my baby boys but I just KNOW that they will make fantabulous husbands who magically realise how much work goes in to household chores, because they are such sweet sweet perfect little men" 🥹

In 10 years time they will be telling thwir wives " Why dont you love washing my socks. My mum did."

I think depending on the extent it’s unreasonable and you’re setting them up to be shitty partners/husband’s as well as setting them up to struggle once they are living alone. There’s nothing wrong with occasionally doing their washing, cooking a meal, cleaning up after them etc but they need to get used to and be capable of doing those things themselves because they aren’t going to find a partner who does it all for them happily and they are going to struggle to adjust to having to do it all on their own when they never have before.

And I also lived alone from your age and was pregnant by 17, part of looking after kids is not to do everything for them but to teach them to become functioning adults. I HAD to do everything as a teenager including being a parent, DS does things because it's expected in the household, not because he doesn't have a loving caring parent.

100% this.

What's in it for you, OP?

And what sort of things do you do for them?

What you do for them is all about you and your wants... it makes you feel good. You are not doing it for them, they've asked you to stop but you choose to ignore their wants. In the bigger picture it's actually disrespectful.

I lived alone from age 16. I had no knowledge of how to run a household or budget, but I picked it up because I had to

I can totally see where you are coming from and why you want to look after them so much. However there are two key differences: firstly you are female, they are male and secondly - they aren't going to be kicked out age 16.

You need them to be fully functional adults who can hold down a job, a long term relationship and keep a house. Unfortunately you risk teaching them that the best way of doing this is to find a female support human who will do all the stuff mum did and have sex with them too.

You can just start teaching them independence a week before they leave home, they need to learn how to work as a team in a house from as soon as they are able.

OP, kindly, you need to stop. Your value isn’t in what you do for them, but the love and support and home you give them. You’re overcompensating for your shit childhood by coddling them.

You make it sound like they’ll magically understand the work of looking after themselves (and another) when they’re grown, but clearly from the threads on here and across social media men aren’t leaving Mummy’s house and marching into independence. They weaponise their incompetence or they live in filth because they’ve never been taught or expected to do basic tasks.

How far does it go? You never ask them to unload the dishwasher? They have never hung out a wash? Cleaned the bathroom? Who changes their beds? You’re doing them and any future partners a disservice, they won’t believe they have an equal role in the home if you’re doing everything for them like they’re babies. They’re not!

Yes he can cook. And I don't treat him like a Prince. Nor do i teach him to 'help out' as that would be very poor messaging, giving the impression they were 'my' jobs he was helping me with, rather than simply the day to day jobs of adult life, some of which are 'his' jobs. Ive said already, i do a lot of domestic stuff for him because he does other stuff for me and were I not to do that I'd feel I was exploiting him. Ideally the quid pro quo would be less on traditional lines, but thats an accident of our life styles at the moment.

You need to step back you can still be a supportive parent and help them navigate life whilst teaching them how to balance life

The way I see it at 18 (the September after) alot of young people are living away from home so if yours do.you need to teach them how to juggle life. Case in point

My brother went to uni and couldn't cook and came home every break with his laundry
I did not

If your children don't go away to uni and stay living with you then honestly a weekly family meal is the most I would do.

As long as they know they always have a home and you are always there the should be doing everything else themselves

Yes, I'm afraid babying them won't work out well for anyone. Not them, not you, and not their future partners. They'll be charming and nice, but that will wear thin.

You'll be bereft when they leave for university (assuming you're able to let them go). Find so.ething else to do with your time, and other people to do it with.

They'll have to figure out a lot for themselves especially when they fly the coop and they'll resent you for not training them to keep a lot of plates in the air at the same time (laundry plus food shopping plus cooking plus cleaning up plus sport plus school, for instance). You don't have to step back all the way and leave them to fend for themselves under your roof, but they should definitely be doing their own laundry, including bedding. It's a little icky to think of young adults having someone else sort out their whites and coloureds, imo. They should be able to plan and cook several nutritious meals from whatever is in the fridge and pantry, and clean up the kitchen after themselves.

Above all, they should be cleaning up whatever bathroom/ loo they use.

Future partners will love and appreciate you if they can show initiative around the house, and care about sharing the burden of keeping the home pleasant for all.

It's not bad per se, but it is a misstep to parent the child you were instead of parenting the child you have. You risk making them feeling unheard and ignored.

I baby mine a bit but he has sen and life is quite difficult for him I encourage and support normal teen behaviour push him to take more responsibility but currently I'm backing away from extra responsibility because it's his GCSE year the fine line is hard to walk

How many of the things he does are daily tasks so many set but he does the DIY or mows the lawn?
You both help out in the house doing chores it's not a sexist thing....although you seem to have divided jobs this way ...if you do 90 minutes work for the benefit of all so should anyone else in the home....assuming you all work. It shouldn't need to be you did that so I do this but working together.

How will they learn to do it themselves if you don’t teach them?

GermanBite · Today 17:10 "The best thing you can do to set them up for adult life is teach them how to look after themselves,"

Exactly! That is your job as a parent, OP. You're not helping your sons by doing everything for them, you're failing them.

Yes you're doing them no favours at all.

You won't listen though so just carry on teaching your sons no life skills.

You would still want to do their laundry into their 40s? That's not very attractive for future partners

You’ve fundamentally misunderstood the role of a parent - it’s not to make their life as stress-free as possible, it’s to make them ready to be able to live independently as a fully functioning adult. You’ve done your job wrong if you’re not setting them up for success! You’re doing them no favours OP.

The best thing you can do is teach them the things they need to know now rather than waiting until they move out. Teach them to cook a good meal, bake a cake, do laundry and other things to run a home. Make them self-sufficient and you will be doing them a huge favour.

I understand the impulse to take care of them and in know it comes from a good place but you’re really doing them no favours in the long run. God forbid if something were to happen to you and they suddenly had to learn to be adults on top of everything else.

OP, stop it. You are doing neither them nor the world any favours. You are potentially/ quite possibly creating entitled, antisocial nightmares. At the very extreme end of the scale, if Putin's mother had stepped up instead of overindulging him, who knows how different the world would be? Reductio ad absurdum no doubt, but the point remains that how we bring up our children really matters.

There is a troubling whiff throughout your posts that if you had had daughters, you would have treated them differently. Is this the case? Have you ever thought about that? And if so, why?

As a mum to two teenagers.... please stop!!!! Your sons will never learn how to be independent or look after themselves. You are doing them no favours at all

The jobs aren't divided because we are 'sexist'. I've explained already he does something I can't do, not because I'm a woman, simply because I don't have the skill set. He spends longer on that than I do on the chores. For illustrative purposes, imagine he was renovating the house for me in addition to working full time. Its not that, but something like that.