To baby my teenage sons?

[IamFineIamFINE]

Name changed for this thread but long term poster.

So I see all the posts about how the Mum is to blame for adult men not pulling their weight around the house because 'Mummy' has spoiled him...but is it really the Mum's fault?

Surely as a grown adult you are responsible for your own behaviour?

I see it as the world is a hard place, My sons are only late teens, but I do still do more than I should for this reason. I would have loved to have parents who helped me. That one place where you feel safe and know someone will look after you.

Admittedly even they say at times I need to stop doing everything for them. but I want to. I want to try and alleviate some of the stress that comes with both teenage years and adulthood. They are lovely boys but I do worry I'm setting them up to think other people should look after them.

But surely it should be different if it's their Mum? I certainly wouldn't expect any partner to do it and would definitely give them a dressing down if they tried to shirk their responsibilities in a relationship. This is something I've spoken about along with compromising and respect.

I guess my AIBU is, am I setting myself up to be a hated MIL?

YABU - yes YANBU - no

I am interested in peoples thoughts on it.

I still have the major ick from seeing how my 18 yo boyfriend was mollycoddled by his mum, about 35 years ago. She bought his underwear for him in the same style I think she chose when he was a toddler. 🤣

Regularly entered his bedroom to pick laundry and wash it, returning it ironed. Bought him all sorts of bizarre toiletries and products. Him and his younger brother were so pampered they basically got whatever they asked for.
The mum would serve them tinned spaghetti hoops (on it's own) at the dining table as if it was condon bleu cuisine. While I was offered nothing? They weren't poor, far from it.

I had been self sufficient since 14, cooking all my own meals and my mum gave me a budget for the week. We were bereaved and she was working so I had to step up. I guess it toughened me up a little bit. Not that I'd wish losing a parent at 13 on anyone.

Obviously this boy didn't know his arse from his elbow sex/relationship wise. When we moved in together he didn't clean the bathroom or kitchen once. He also ran away when a load of violent thugs started on us, leaving me to be punched in the face. A 6'2 18 year old. I was 15. 🙁

He was actually a nice enough guy really. But I thought his mum did him zero favours.

YABU.

You should've seen the show my ex-MIL used to put on for my ex. She washed his clothes, made his food, got him drinks and never expected him to lift a finger. Even if he asked her not to do something, she would do it.

He was the laziest man I've ever met. In the years we were together he never once took it upon himself to do ANYTHING unprompted. If I went away for work he wouldn't eat for days, I'm being serious.

You need to stop doing this.

How will you cope when they leave home?

How would you feel in years to come when your “baby boys” come running home because their wives are divorcing their lazy arses because you did everything for them and they are now expecting her to do it all. Because however much you say that they won’t expect a partner to look after them like you do…THEY WILL!
You are NOT helping them you are actually doing damage to their future! So LISTEN to them and stop doing everything. It’s actual selfish to set them up to fail because YOU want to still treat them as babies, they are now grown up and need to learn to stand on their own two feet. There is nothing wrong with helping them, being supportive ect but it is a problem when they can’t/don’t do any domestic chores because that behaviour will continue when they look to move out.

If you want to alleviate some of the stress of adulthood then you need to train and support them as they learn, not do things for them. That is only going to cause additional stress.

By way of analogy would you rather a job where you were trained slowly and were shown by someone senior step by step what to do, or landed in it with no experience and dealing with peers criticising you for your lack of competence. Which scenario do you think would be more stressful and affect your self esteem more?

Yes to the laziness with a mum wife.

“Well my mum managed to raise me as a single mum and she still ironed everything and had dinner ready every night with no help. “

Also just remember too if he has children, if he has never had to do anything your invites might be very lacking from him to come round and nill from from the dil for being an overbearing boundary stomper when you are there who she tolerates and rolls her eyes on your kind advice when you do actually get invites. Threads popping up about how her mil still butts in and folds his pants when she calls in uninvited.

I mean this kindly - you are failing your sons. As adults, we want to be the type of parents we needed (especially when our parents were neglectful, which I have also experienced so I can truly empathise), however our children are not us. We need to be the parents they need and in this case it's a parent who will love on them but that love will be providing for them and balancing that with setting them up to succeed in the world. They deserve to know how to wash their clothes, how to cook, etc..
It is a balance but it's very reasonable to expect them to help with the chores whilst living at home so they have the skills when they eventually move out.

@IamFineIamFINE when I was in uni I had a boyfriend who lived at home. Lovely guy, lovely family. He had a brother and his mum ran around him, brother (also over 18 at this stage) and dad like a blue arsed fly, all while working full time.

The first weekend I stayed over his mum made us some lunch and we ate it in the sitting room watching TV. After he finished his food, he went to put his plate on the floor for his mum to collect 😱😱 I hissed/whisper shouted to pick it up and put it in the dishwasher. He looked at me like I was insane. This 20 year old man seemed shocked that I thought it was wrong for his mother to be tidying up around him. So he tidied his plate. I had another go at him when he tried to laugh about me making a fuss and I could see the cogs start to turn a bit....

We didn't stay together, as with most uni couples. But we remained friends and he always thanked me for pulling him up on how he (and bro and dad) treated his mum, and really started taking initiative around the house. He loved her dearly, but as she never taught him that chores were his responsibility he just didn't think about it much at all.

Please don't put it on another woman to make your sons understand how life works!

The most incredulous post I ever read on here was from a Mum who did 100% of all her sons chores; washing, cleaning, ironing, cooking etc, they didn't lift a finger. However she was convinced they would start to do all of this this when they moved in on their own or with a girlfriend. They won't. They are used to being looked after and will expect that in the future.

Always think of their future partners. People I know with husbands or boyfriends who expect things to be done for them become very hostile towards their MILs, this will affect your relationship with them as adults and possibly your grandchildren too.

5 year olds can take their plates to the dish washer.
Why do you want to be needed? My teen DS doesn't need me at all except for a bit of emotional support.
It's great! I am getting on with hobbies, friends, travel.

All I can say I'm happy to be old enough not to ever marry one of your sons.
Otherwise, everyone to their own.

I’m a psychotherapist and work in a university. Please please stop doing everything for your children. I know it’s incredibly hard to see them struggle or suffer but I can’t tell you how many people I support who have had breakdowns or made suicide attempts because the university life is way too overwhelming for them as they can’t look after themselves or cope with any difficulty. You can’t protect them forever and you are setting them up for a fall as you aren’t building resilience or independence in them.

you are also ignoring their emotional needs by dismissing what they are asking you to do and saying I know better which is psychologically damaging. Your needs are being put before theirs and you are ignoring their needs.

you will also be creating children with incredibly anxious attachment styles by telling them through your actions that they can’t cope without you in the world. You are not giving them space to learn they can do things without you. As adults they could then become very needy and clingy which will impact their adult relationships.

sorry to sound harsh and I don’t want to worry you but feel you need to recognise the impact of your behaviour. Of course it’s coming from a place of love but there is no getting away from the fact that I see how much damage this parental hour can do every day.

You are not preparing them for standing on their own two feet as adults, and doing them no favours long term. Teenagers (whatever sex) need to be able to contribute effort to chores, cooking, and look after their own clothes as they learn to fledge, "adult" and eventually leave the nest.
My MIL was a single mum working shifts and who raised 3 sons to cook, iron etc (in fact DH is better at both than me). One DBiL is a lazy selfish git with no sense of personal responsibility and has had a series of GFs mugs to wait on him hand and foot, but DH and DBiL2 are both practical hands on dads and husbands and are bringing their own DC up the same way. I know which I prefer!

I think you might need to get a life.

Growing up, there was a man down the road from me and his Mum did everything for him. He didn't ever have to lift a finger and didn't know how to, he never moved out because no girlfriend wanted to become his mummy. When his Mum died he was stuffed, he didn't know how to do anything. People tried to help but in the end he just couldn't cope with it all and ended his life.

That's not what I am saying is going to happen to your boys but you aren't doing them any favours. They've told you this, they've also said that you worry too much. They are gently telling you to back off, stop worrying and let them do things.

I think they are trying not to hurt your feelings.

I remember chatting to our vet once about training our puppy to be okay staying home, and she said she had endless amounts of conversations with people who said 'but the puppy gets so distressed when I leave them' and 'well I'm always home so it doesn't matter' and the vet has to explain that it does matter, because if the puppy ever has to go to the vets for a prolonged period, or the owner themselves is ever taken away for whatever reason, puppy is then MORE distressed because they then have to deal with an unsettling situation and ALSO separation anxiety as they never learnt the coping skills, so it's actually crueller to the dog and much more likely that 3 days separation due to a hospital stay would cause long lasting upset to the dog.
You need to give them the tools they need.

Came on to say this. You’re stealing their opportunity and right to develop independence and life skills.

I think I remember this - there was also one (maybe the same one) where she even put their toothpaste on their toothbrushes for them - insanity.

She called herself a skivvy but clearly absolutely loved it - it was horrible.

@IamFineIamFINE i wonder if you’re trying to rectify what was missing in your childhood? Thing is, that was you, not them.

Invest some of that nurturing instinct into yourself x

You are letting them down. Instead of respecting them as competent individuals, instead of helping prepare them to thrive in the world as independent adults, you are babying them to the point they are B asking you to stop.

This kind of suffocating attention and babying ends one of two ways in my experience.

Either they are lazy, oblivious adults who don’t look after their home and make terrible partners
OR
they rarely visit their mum because she is such a fusspot, dancing attendance and not letting them lift a finger.

BIL went down the latter route and never visits MIL, for all she babied and indulged him. She sees him on Boxing Day each year and that’s about it.

Do yourself as well as you sons a favour. Let them grow up. Expect them to clean and cook and participate in household life.

Kindly OP, this is serving your needs, not theirs.

You are not a bad parent if you step back and allow your children to develop independence and life skills and self reliance. In fact it's the opposite. It sounds like you had to do that before you were ready and that was very hard for you, but you already have given your sons a very different experience than you had.

They're asking you to stop doing so much and allow them to become adults. Respect your sons enough to allow them to do this, and be proud of their development into capable adults. This is our job.

So their father is teaching them and you are not?

@IamFineIamFINE awww op.
I will be the same as you but I don't want to be!

By doing it all you are conditioning them to 'expect' someone else to do things. (Partner/ friend/ house sharer)

Whilst they may ask you not to do things or sometimes do things themselves- they are learning to navigate life their way and you do need to let them.

Think about it, as babies they learnt to walk because they were 'let go' but if you had held them all the time they would have had a delay in walking.

It's not kind to them not to allow them to learn to take care of themselves and their home. They will find it difficult to start these things when they do move out especially if it's into a house share. It will also make relationships difficult for them.