To baby my teenage sons?

[IamFineIamFINE]

Name changed for this thread but long term poster.

So I see all the posts about how the Mum is to blame for adult men not pulling their weight around the house because 'Mummy' has spoiled him...but is it really the Mum's fault?

Surely as a grown adult you are responsible for your own behaviour?

I see it as the world is a hard place, My sons are only late teens, but I do still do more than I should for this reason. I would have loved to have parents who helped me. That one place where you feel safe and know someone will look after you.

Admittedly even they say at times I need to stop doing everything for them. but I want to. I want to try and alleviate some of the stress that comes with both teenage years and adulthood. They are lovely boys but I do worry I'm setting them up to think other people should look after them.

But surely it should be different if it's their Mum? I certainly wouldn't expect any partner to do it and would definitely give them a dressing down if they tried to shirk their responsibilities in a relationship. This is something I've spoken about along with compromising and respect.

I guess my AIBU is, am I setting myself up to be a hated MIL?

YABU - yes YANBU - no

I am interested in peoples thoughts on it.

It really does sound like you're trying to keep them needing you as long as possible.

Could you use teaching them new skills as a way to build new connections with them. E.g. my oldest has always loved cooking with me and now he will make a special meal, he's proud of himself, I'm proud of him and we both get a beaut meal.

Would something like this be an option?

I have a brother in his 20s who doesn’t know how to do laundry. Nuff said.

Admittedly even they say at times I need to stop doing everything for them. but I want to.

Help that isn't wanted is a fine line into control, listen to them. You can talk about compromise and respect and pulling your weight until your blue in the face but if you aren't modelling it, you're wasting your breath.

They're teenagers, not children, and the relatiionship with offspring has to change over the course of it. They aren't your babies and they won't be in their 40s, steadfast babying is about what you want and need, not them.

Mil still likes to make a fuss over dh sometimes. He’s a responsible adult, who unrolls his socks before putting them in the laundry basket, and far more egalitarian than his df, so she did something right.

I think it’s more important than ever to teach our boys how to be good partners because there is no longer a religious, financial or social pressure to force women to remain in relationships that don’t improve their lives. And the financial and health costs of failure are significant. Relationship skills may prove to as valuable a commodity in determining life long wealth as exam grades.

It’s possible to nurture and cultivate skills at the same time. My mil managed it

@IamFineIamFINE

what exactly are you doing for them Op?

I want to try and alleviate some of the stress that comes with both teenage years and adulthood.

See op I used to think this but then I realised it was me putting them in my shoes- when I do stuff for them it’s because I’m thinking oh they’re so wrecked, they need a break, but they haven’t done the load I’ve done and actually will pick up whatever and do it in a second where I was picturing the exhausted trek because they’ve done the housework I’ve done! And they generally do it faster than me!

Why do you think it is right that their dad makes them do chores but you don’t have to?

If you had daughters would you have a different attitude @IamFineIamFINE

You felt neglected by your DPs but you're making the same mistake they did, only in reverse. They're not babies, and no matter how much you think you're being kind, you're not. Your sons need to learn to be a good partner, not a spoilt man child who expects his wife or partner to pander to him. Do you want your DS's to be happy or do you want to tie them to you forever?

I've got a cousin in his late 50s who knows how to do bugger all and has never worked because he was overindulged by his late mother to a ridiculous extent. When his father dies it is going to be an utter nightmare to sort out for his poor sisters, who have had it hanging over them for decades.

So bloody wrong. 😡

DH mam still does all the family laundry... she INSISTS, makes them work lunches, insists on babysitting, insist on buying stuff for the kids (new school coats etc...).

Then she martyrs herself about how shes dying of old age and how she can't keep up anymore but won't stop doing shit no one asked her to do.

Honestly its all a bit tedious and grates on me. I'm thankful for help when we need help (rarely ever asked for and usually that when suddenly they can't do anything) but shes a victim of herself not us and I hate the passive aggressive 'blaming' for her own choices in life.

I agree. BIL really struggles because PIL do so much for him.

Not necessarily (future hellish mil). You sound very like me to be honest. I did everything (willingly) for my boys. I have two boys and am a single parent and have definitely been a ‘smother’ at times. Luckily my eldest (22) is naturally capable at doing his laundry and cooking etc (lived on campus for 3 years) and my younger is now doing his own laundry etc as he is currently living on campus. I think the key is to make sure they’re not rude, spoilt lazy brats and show willing in some areas (like helping with the shopping etc, which mine would do).

I never did my own cooking or laundry when I lived at home but I just got on with those things once I left.

omg! My mum was like this with my brothers and as a result their wives have struggled alone with husbands who don’t see the tasks or opt not to do them.

This post is all about you and how you feel and what you get out of looking after them. This is your way of showing them love BUT it is disempowering and fails to facilitate knowledge about every day living skills. Parents have a duty to build their children’s home/community skills. From personal experience I can say it’s a nightmare living away from home for the first time with little know how.

I have a friend who is like you, worries about everything and does everything for her kids. The eldest has now gone to uni and is struggling to cook, wash dishes, their room is upside down and they can’t book their own train tickets to get home. Do you really want that for your kids?

You are obviously are a loving and supportive Mum that your boys can trust and rely on for help when needed.

But are you also teaching them to manage the next stage of their lives? If they live alone they will need to clean their home and their clothes, feed themselves and manage money. If they live with a partner, they'll need to do their share of chores and cover their share of expenses, or risk causing stress and resentment to the person they love.
The danger with your approach is that the boys may come to equate a woman's love with her taking care of them like a child and doing all the domestic stuff. This can be a disaster especially once children have arrived, and cause resentment from DILs.

I lived with several men in flat shares at uni whose mothers did everything for them.
They were perfectly nice and would never have ever told me it was my job to do household things because I was the girl.
But they also didn't do anything unless I asked them too.

Like they were unaware that a house needed cleaning or bins needed to be taken outside. The most they would do independently was laundry but several times it started snelling funny when they left in in the machine for 3 days etc.
It was so frustrating that they seemed oblivious to the need to contribute. And it wasn't like they couldn't do it, or wouldn't if I asked, they just had never factored the need to do it into their lives.
I get that the world is tough and if you can do things to make it easier on someone it does feel nice- but in the long run it just leaves as unitentionally lazy and entitled.
I just found them individually annoying at first but in 3rd year when I met the newest useless babied men I did start to feel their parents must also be to blame if so many of them were appearing in uni at an adult age whilst being so unprepared.

I know.. I just want them to feel that no matter what, they have somewhere to go and will be looked after. I still drum into them that it's only because I'm their Mum.and not to expect it from anyone else.

My eldest also said he doesn't want to be a man child when I took his plate through for him. He was kind about it, wasn't said badly..

Surely him saying that means that they know how to act round others and I'm okay to carry on as normal?

A PP asked if I was prepared to take them back when they were kicked out for being useless by their future partner (along those lines anyway), yes I would. My home will always be theirs. And no, I do not think they will be useless.

But the votes are overwhelmingly telling me I am being unreasonable so I will take it on board. I am finding it difficult maybe because they are getting older? Along with my own childhood neglect.

I appreciate everyone's comments. I really didn't think there would be so many and not had a chance to look through them all. I know some won't be nice but I did ask!

It’s a parents job to prepare their children for adulthood, which includes teaching them how to do their own laundry, cooking, clean etc. you’re doing them no favours.
I wouldn’t pursue a relationship with a man who had none of these skills, and yes, I would consider him to be a ‘ mummy’s boy ‘.

I’ll give you the feedback that both my husband & his brother have given over the years. They absolutely regret the way their mother babies them over the years, she didn’t expect them to do anything & loved doing it all for them. It’s caused major major issues for them both since they left home. Firstly his mum had a breakdown over her empty nest syndrome then she tried to insert herself into our lives so much so we had to take our spare keys off her because ‘she needed to feel needed’ & ‘wanted to help us out’ so she’d let herself in & do things in our homes which caused major arguments.

both boys didn’t have a clue what they needed to do to run a house & it fell into us women. It caused massive issues as we had to constantly tell them to do x & z etc because they’d never done it before we had to teach them. His brother & SIL never had kids because his brother (even though older is still too much hardwork for SIL, he can’t do anything without a list & step by step instructions). My husband is incredible now & more than pulls his weight but we nearly split up over it because I didn’t want to become his mum & teach him how to be an adult.

you’re not doing them any favours & both my husband & his brother wishes they were raised differently & how much easier it would have been if they were. We have two boys & my husband was determined that they were not going to be raised the way he was & we’ve made sure they know how to do everything around the house & make sure they do it

You've reminded me of the repeat of Four in a bed that I was watching earlier today. One man marked a self-catering place down for facilities because he couldn't use a toaster or cook an egg. The equipment was there but it was no good to him because "I'm not a chef" and he had no idea what to do with the bread and eggs that had been provided for him. The fault was not with the facilities. He said that his wife does everything for him including making him coffee and toast. That is not a fully functioning adult. In fact, it's absolutely pathetic.

Took his plate through for him from where?? Are you saying this lad doesn't serve himself his own food...or bring his own plate to the sink?! Lord above 🤦🏻‍♀️

Ugh, no.

Your ADULT sons are almost literally begging you to stop, almost every response on this thread is telling you stop and you still think this is okay?!

Clearly you have significant trauma that needs to be addressed: please do this before you arrest your children's development and/or get in the way of their possible future relationships.

'Still doing their laundry in their 40s' - FFS.

I certainly wouldn't expect any partner to do it and would definitely give them a dressing down if they tried to shirk their responsibilities in a relationship.

If I tell them (as I am) that a relationship is equal and chores are to be split individually, then is it ok for me still to look after them while I can?

You’re telling them one thing and doing another. They aren’t going to magically change from doing nothing to pulling their weight on the day they move in with a partner. You are modelling a set up where the woman is performing ALL the domestic duties and the males of the house do nothing. It doesn’t matter a jot what you tell them, they will be living the very opposite day in, day out and that is what will be taking up camp in their subconscious.

My DS knew how to cook, clean, use the washing machine etc by the time he was 15/16. I’d still do nice things for him like cook his favourite meal on occasions or pick up treats from the supermarket. You don’t have to go from skivvying martyr to an ice queen, there is a middle ground.

If they’re telling you that they want independence then listen, or you’ll just come across as suffocating and overbearing. And teenage lads are usually lazy little toads, so if they’re offering to do chores then let them!

OP, you've had loads of responses saying that you're doing your boys no favours but both of your updates say you will carry on. Why bother asking if you aren't interested in the replies?

They are telling you to stop and you’re not listening.

This doesn’t bode well for the future and especially you as a future MIL. You’re stomping on their boundaries and you claim they will make you stop if they really wanted you to stop but the words are stop they have asked.

They need to be able to cook food and put the washing on and away and all those things they don’t need to be 24 first home and fucking up the washing and ironing holes into work shirts because they never made the mistakes and learnt as children.