To baby my teenage sons?

[IamFineIamFINE]

Name changed for this thread but long term poster.

So I see all the posts about how the Mum is to blame for adult men not pulling their weight around the house because 'Mummy' has spoiled him...but is it really the Mum's fault?

Surely as a grown adult you are responsible for your own behaviour?

I see it as the world is a hard place, My sons are only late teens, but I do still do more than I should for this reason. I would have loved to have parents who helped me. That one place where you feel safe and know someone will look after you.

Admittedly even they say at times I need to stop doing everything for them. but I want to. I want to try and alleviate some of the stress that comes with both teenage years and adulthood. They are lovely boys but I do worry I'm setting them up to think other people should look after them.

But surely it should be different if it's their Mum? I certainly wouldn't expect any partner to do it and would definitely give them a dressing down if they tried to shirk their responsibilities in a relationship. This is something I've spoken about along with compromising and respect.

I guess my AIBU is, am I setting myself up to be a hated MIL?

YABU - yes YANBU - no

I am interested in peoples thoughts on it.

I am currently divorcing a man child who came from a house like this. Especially in hard times men go back to expecting the women in their life to baby them. At the worst time I was on the edge and would walk into every room to stuff everywhere, dirt everywhere, to hear his complaints about the mess. When I asked him what he was going to do about it I would get shouted at. His mother felt it was my role to support her boy at this time... no care for me or anyone looking after me!
Don't be this woman. Give them a day each to do dinner, take turns doing laundry and rotate cleaning rooms. This is taking care of them in the best way! It's taking care of their future.

I think it is a very selfish type of Mother-Love not to give your children all the tools they need to succeed in life and for forming strong relationships. You take a lot of happiness from their gratitude and closeness. However you are not prepared to put in the hard work needed for their growth.

Our job as parents is to bring up independent adults

Literally that is the job.

You are not doing your job.

Your not teaching your children to be independent, my friend does this with her daughter, her daughter is not so unbelievably lazy and won't do nothing for herself it's actually very sad to watch.

You really do sound like a lovely, caring mum.
But, you're setting them up to be failures outside the home.
They need to learn how to do the things you don't let them do in order for them to make their own way in future.

It's a hard world, and therefore it's better for them to learn self- management now than to flounder when they're older.

MIL babied her boys, and hence my husband is still an unconfident cook, and BIL nearly broke up with his lovely girlfriend because she was sick of doing all the laundry.

I grew up rurally, and there were lots of jobs to do for the animals. No question, you did that before you settled down to your own rest.

Very good mental discipline.

I have an adult son and a teenage son. I’ve always promoted independence with them, taught them how to cook, use a washing machine, hoover all of that. They are both fully aware of how to clean and cook and have done so when I’m at work.
But I have found both of them have become increasingly chauvinistic with age and definitely still see chores as “women’s work” despite me drilling it into them that it’s not.
I find that males can be more influenced by other males if they don’t have a strong father figure.
So I do think that it’s unfair that we mums get the blame for men not pulling their weight as adults. I think it’s more nuanced than that.

I remember literally saying to DS1, then about 16, a couple of years ago when he said he'd had a long day at school and didn't fancy unloading the dishwasher and doing the washing up, "I've had a long day at work and don't fancy cooking dinner and so forth, that's tough luck for both of us".

My son didnot do chores there was no fuss about teaching him to cook wash etc. He did care about people though.Married for 20 yeasr he is the best dad, hardest working person I know. When he is home from work he just walks straight in to the cooking, looking after children washing, whatever is needed as apart of the family. So teach them about caring , working together, looking after each other. The rest will follow when needed. He is not and bever has been a 'mummy's boy' but we areincredibly proud of his values

Same with me! He's at university so obviously does everything there but when he comes home I don't expect him to do any chores. He does generally mow the lawn (in season) and clean the bathroom because he likes things clean and if I'm working but he's not asked to do anything. Ds is very good at fixing things and will for example sort out the pulley system on the curtains, paint the fences. My mum still looks after me when I visit and she's in her 80s!

@TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis my son in law was very much not made to do anything by his dm but dd1 has got him well in hand. In her wedding vows she said she would do exactly 50% of household tasks ( exdh did nothing in the home) and that's what she does. He is a wonderful father and great cook, irons his own shirts, vacuums etc. I think his dm is a bit shocked!

i think babying anyone can knock their self confidence to smithereens

I've dated men and been friends with who were raised like this and it was a nightmare. Teenagers of both sexes need to learn to be independent and not to fall back on someone else doing the hard or boring jobs for them. Life isn't easy. That's something that everyone has to deal with. You're not just setting yourself up to be a hated MIL but you're setting your sons up to be poor partners, housemates, and colleagues.

Same. I was also really very embarrassed by this. Especially because I had friends who noticed and joked about me being spoiled.

as others have said, spoiling your kids doesn’t make them feel good. Your son has already expressed that to you - listen to him.

Your approach to mothering your young adult sons is pretty awful to be honest. My kids learned to put a wash on, fill the dishwasher and put it on at about age 11. They learned how to make a simple meal in their early teens. Your job is to ensure they know they are loved and to give them the skills needed for them to take care of themselves in the adult world. No matter what you say about “this is only because I’m your mum”, but you are a role model for women. Just stop this nonsense.

There isn't a problem doing things for other family members, as long as you know they can - and will - do it themselves when required.

I generally do most of the laundry, for example, it's my choice. But my husband and son do know how to use the washing machine and will do it if required or if I have gone away for a few days. The same applies to shopping, cooking and looking after the pets and each other. I don't come back to a hell hole 😁

Maybe suggest they take on certain chores around the house, so you are all doing something and contributing to the running of the household. You can still get pleasure from being a mum, but they will be taking on more responsibility and feeling more valued

It's the parents responsibility to teach and model for their children how to behave and not wait on them hand and foot after a certain age. But yes even if mummy (or why isn't it daddy) didn't teach them how to wash dishes/do laundry it's not hard to figure out how to do it! It is shocking the ignorance though: that toilets need regular cleaning, that bed linen needs changing.
I have a friend who is a slave to her husband and adult son. I don't think either of them have made a sandwich let alone cooked a meal. Never done a load of laundry. That is her fault - they are hardly going to refuse her doing all the chores! She should have just not done stuff and told her son from some age that his laundry is his responsibility. That he can wash up after dinner x amount of times a week. Hoover the house once a week and so on. Her DH could argue that he has a job and her job is to keep the house, I can just about see that, but not her son who contributes nothing.

Credit to your kids for recognising you are being unreasonable! But smothering them still isn't ok.
Why do you equate loving and caring and always giving them support and a place to feel safe with doing their ironing and acting like a maidservant? They are not the same thing! A place they can always return to is great, but why on earth would that need to include laundry services?!

I don't see how old they are?
But your job as a parent is to turn out socially and emotionally competent adults that are capable or taking care of themselves, their home and their families. How are they supposed to practice these skills if you don't let them? Managing their own laundry snd picking up after themselves is the very bare minimum they should be doing.
Honestly- back off!

@Onlyvisiting the OP said they are in their late teens

Thank you for this, it's very helpful.

I'm so sorry you went through that x

Yes, I can see how that would give someone the ick.

Thank you, And that's a great analogy,

Thank you

@IamFineIamFINE thank you! tbh it was one of my more successful relationships. Lol.
I think men with terrible/non existent relationships with their mums are just as bad if not worse. I can see you're very caring. Just try and give them as much independence as possible. It'll be easier in the long run! X

Lots to think about here, thank you.

Only thing I will say for certain is I absolutely DO NOT want either of them to have failed relationships and I absolutely would never feel jealous of a partner. It's a different relationship, that partner will be their family that they chose, who they will build a life with. It was one of the main reasons I posted, my 18 year old basically being an adult and I don't want to be the reason he might not succeed in certain areas or to cause any discord in his relationships. I want them both to be happy of course.

I don't deny that that my actions have been selfish, even if that's not what I intended. Younger son is slightly less enthusiastic about looking after himself so that has also been a bit of an eye opener. Nothing bad, just lazy teenager stuff. He is also well behaved and thoughtful. But I think out of the two of them, if I don't cut the apron strings then it might get worse.