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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lunch with another woman

215 replies

Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 06:59

NC for this.

My partner has a female friend. She has a long term partner. DP and her have known each other a couple of years. We have been in a relationship for over a year and are moving in together.

During the first few months of our relationship I didn’t meet her but was fine with them being friends. They went on a pre booked holiday together (twin room). He checked if it was ok for him to go and I was fine with it. No worries at all. Honestly trust him and felt genuinely fine about it.

A couple of months ago I finally met her, along with her partner and few others. She flirted with my DP a lot (ridiculous hair twirling, giggling, dominated his time - if you had looked in without knowing us all you’d assume they were together).

She largely ignored me. Made no effort at all. She responded to my attempts at conversation with her but then shut them down. Her partner and I exchanged a couple of glances as if to say ‘are you ok with this?’.

After that I calmly asked DP if he could only meet her when me and her partner are there as it felt uncomfortable for me the thought of her flirting with him without me there. I trust him not to take it anywhere but it just felt uncomfortable. He was a bit annoyed thinking I didn’t trust him but did agree as he could see my view.

I then found out recently he’d met her for lunch alone. I found out because he’d let something slip and so I asked and he answered. He wouldn’t lie directly but has lied through omission I think.

I was upset. He got cross. He doesn’t think I should make this request of him, he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 03/12/2024 07:01

So perhaps they do have a relationship where nothing happens.

But she definitely enjoys flirting and he gets an ego boost?

How did he respond to her behaviour at the lunch?

Does he recognise she was rude to you? Does he think that's unacceptable too?

Apsndbd · 03/12/2024 07:03

In all honesty I think you’re both wrong; he shouldn’t have done it and you shouldn’t have asked him not to see her, you either trust him or you don’t with her.
How long have you now been together? Did he say anything about how she acted when you were there?

Original poster
Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:05

BlastedPimples · 03/12/2024 07:01

So perhaps they do have a relationship where nothing happens.

But she definitely enjoys flirting and he gets an ego boost?

How did he respond to her behaviour at the lunch?

Does he recognise she was rude to you? Does he think that's unacceptable too?

He was oblivious to her flirting. Her partner looked a bit uncomfortable. I am not concerned that they are having an affair.

It’s more that he agreed to not see her alone but then went back on that without telling me. If he’d said that she’d asked him to go to lunch we could have discussed it. But he hid it. Then got angry that I was upset.

OP posts:
RhaenysRocks · 03/12/2024 07:06

I have male friends that I go out for dinner with, they stay at my house, we hug. I have known them for decades however which is maybe a little different from a newer friendship but my DP and their partners have no issues. It's ultimately about if you trust your DP.

Original poster
Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:08

Apsndbd · 03/12/2024 07:03

In all honesty I think you’re both wrong; he shouldn’t have done it and you shouldn’t have asked him not to see her, you either trust him or you don’t with her.
How long have you now been together? Did he say anything about how she acted when you were there?

He agreed not to see her alone. He could see why it made me uncomfortable. If she’d made an effort to get to know me I’d have felt easy about it. If he’d told me she’d invited him for lunch we could have talked it out. I’m not the jealous type usually but her behaviour made me really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
MissCherryBrandy · 03/12/2024 07:08

I think, before you move in tog, you get to make the choice if this crosses your b. If it does, then this isn't the relationship for you.

MissCherryBrandy · 03/12/2024 07:09

MissCherryBrandy · 03/12/2024 07:08

I think, before you move in tog, you get to make the choice if this crosses your b. If it does, then this isn't the relationship for you.

Too many typos.

If this crosses your boundaries, you have a choice to make.

Original poster
Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:10

RhaenysRocks · 03/12/2024 07:06

I have male friends that I go out for dinner with, they stay at my house, we hug. I have known them for decades however which is maybe a little different from a newer friendship but my DP and their partners have no issues. It's ultimately about if you trust your DP.

I do. It’s her flirtation with him that I was uncomfortable with. And the bit I’m upset about is that he hid the lunch rather than talking to me about it. If he wanted to spend time with her on their own that badly then we could have talked it out.

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 03/12/2024 07:10

If he’d told me she’d invited him for lunch we could have talked it out

Would you have talked it out, or would you have just said no again?

Original poster
Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:11

MissCherryBrandy · 03/12/2024 07:09

Too many typos.

If this crosses your boundaries, you have a choice to make.

Show quote history

That’s exactly it. I don’t like that he hid something.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 03/12/2024 07:12

I don’t think you can ban anyone from being friends. If you’re not comfortable and don’t trust him it’s probably better to call it a day now.

MixieMatchie · 03/12/2024 07:12

Never mind the lunch, I'd be annoyed now about the twin room!

Edingril · 03/12/2024 07:13

You don't trust him so why on earth are you with him? Is it attention?

Pocketyocket · 03/12/2024 07:14

Throw this one back. You've only been with him five minutes. Find someone who prioritises you. Do you really want to live like this?

Original poster
Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:15

KrisAkabusi · 03/12/2024 07:10

If he’d told me she’d invited him for lunch we could have talked it out

Would you have talked it out, or would you have just said no again?

I think if he’d come to me and said ‘Sheila has asked me to go to lunch with her. I’d like to go and catch up with her properly but I know that makes you uncomfortable. It’s just food. We are not drinking.’ I hope I’d have been reasonable. It’s not that I’ve said ‘no’ it’s that I expressed discomfort and made a request.

OP posts:
BigDahliaFan · 03/12/2024 07:17

You can't ban him from friends as 'she's too flirty'. That's v controlling. I can't imagine my husband banning me from seeing someone alone. He lied to you though, even though you were being ridiculous, and that's not a good sign that the two of you can talk through difficult issues and come to a good solution...which is kind of essential foe partnerships.

Pick your battles...in that case I'd have made a joke of it as would DH...off to see your toyboy again?.

Jk987 · 03/12/2024 07:17

You can't prevent your partner from seeing a friend. Being in a relationship doesn't allow one grown adult to tell another grown adult who they should see.

I'd be concerned that something may have already happened between them though. Especially given that her partner also thinks her flirting is odd.

Original poster
Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:18

Edingril · 03/12/2024 07:13

You don't trust him so why on earth are you with him? Is it attention?

I do trust him not to take it further. He’s oblivious to her flirting - although I’m sure he is getting an ego boost as she hangs off his every word. I think it’s thought that they look like a couple on a first date when you see them together. I don’t know why but I just don’t like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:20

Zanatdy · 03/12/2024 07:12

I don’t think you can ban anyone from being friends. If you’re not comfortable and don’t trust him it’s probably better to call it a day now.

Not ban the friendship. Just not do things alone. Other female friends - fine. But she ignored me and flirted with him. Really blatantly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:21

BigDahliaFan · 03/12/2024 07:17

You can't ban him from friends as 'she's too flirty'. That's v controlling. I can't imagine my husband banning me from seeing someone alone. He lied to you though, even though you were being ridiculous, and that's not a good sign that the two of you can talk through difficult issues and come to a good solution...which is kind of essential foe partnerships.

Pick your battles...in that case I'd have made a joke of it as would DH...off to see your toyboy again?.

I didn’t know he was going. That’s the point. He hid it. I found out by accident. That’s the bit that’s upset me most.

OP posts:
Isthereanypointtoallthis · 03/12/2024 07:22

I think that if you continue your relationship this has given you the information of how things will be.

He has already prioritised his friendship with this woman. And very importantly he has not been truthful with you.

It also sounds as though the woman's feelings for your partner are more than platonic and even if he doesn't feel the same about her he must be enjoying her obvious attention.

Quite honestly I think you would be better ending your relationship to save yourself more and more mistrust and upset.

Waterboatlass · 03/12/2024 07:22

How did he respond to the flirting out if interest?

If generally let him go. He's crossed a boundary and didn't have to agree to the path of least resistance. He could have discussed it and said 'sorry Sheila can be a bit much and I probably didn't handle it well. I assure you it's just how she is. I've never responded to it with anything but friendship. I like her as a friend and I'm not prepared to jettison a good friend but I will keep things more appropriate in future '. The fact he hid seeing her and was annoyed about is telling. You need to call it. I would leave them to it.

Is her relationship new?

Canalboat · 03/12/2024 07:24

Trust your instincts on this OP, there are alarm bells ringing here. A lot of infidelity happens because of opportunity and boundaries slipping or being pushed over time. You need to be clear on your own boundaries and you don’t have to put up with this if you don’t want to but it may mean ending the relationship. The staying in the same room seems weird to me for a relatively new relationship of the opposite sex, however that may just be me.

Chocolattes · 03/12/2024 07:24

Reality is his want to have lunch with her was more important to him then your fairly reasonable ask to not see her alone. Take from that what you will, but I'd be wary of your assumptions that she was flirting and he was oblivious- he cares more about seeing her than your feelings.

Original poster
Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:26

Isthereanypointtoallthis · 03/12/2024 07:22

I think that if you continue your relationship this has given you the information of how things will be.

He has already prioritised his friendship with this woman. And very importantly he has not been truthful with you.

It also sounds as though the woman's feelings for your partner are more than platonic and even if he doesn't feel the same about her he must be enjoying her obvious attention.

Quite honestly I think you would be better ending your relationship to save yourself more and more mistrust and upset.

Edited

That’s how I feel about it too. I’d never have interfered or had an opinion about it if she’d behaved normally with us both. It’s the lie (through omission) I am finding most upsetting.

OP posts: