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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lunch with another woman

215 replies

Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 06:59

NC for this.

My partner has a female friend. She has a long term partner. DP and her have known each other a couple of years. We have been in a relationship for over a year and are moving in together.

During the first few months of our relationship I didn’t meet her but was fine with them being friends. They went on a pre booked holiday together (twin room). He checked if it was ok for him to go and I was fine with it. No worries at all. Honestly trust him and felt genuinely fine about it.

A couple of months ago I finally met her, along with her partner and few others. She flirted with my DP a lot (ridiculous hair twirling, giggling, dominated his time - if you had looked in without knowing us all you’d assume they were together).

She largely ignored me. Made no effort at all. She responded to my attempts at conversation with her but then shut them down. Her partner and I exchanged a couple of glances as if to say ‘are you ok with this?’.

After that I calmly asked DP if he could only meet her when me and her partner are there as it felt uncomfortable for me the thought of her flirting with him without me there. I trust him not to take it anywhere but it just felt uncomfortable. He was a bit annoyed thinking I didn’t trust him but did agree as he could see my view.

I then found out recently he’d met her for lunch alone. I found out because he’d let something slip and so I asked and he answered. He wouldn’t lie directly but has lied through omission I think.

I was upset. He got cross. He doesn’t think I should make this request of him, he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.

AIBU?

OP posts:
UnrelatedTo · 03/12/2024 19:36

KrisAkabusi · 03/12/2024 18:25

I think that if you're in a relationship, it's a good idea not to put yourself in situations where you might cheat.

Sorry what? I can put myself where i want. There are no situations where I might cheat.

Plus there is literally no way to render your relationship affair-proof by restricting your relationships, unless you live in a locked box.

Some examples of marriage-ending affairs among people I know were a man having an affair with his toddler’s married childminder, a man falling for a woman delivering things to a temporary workplace, and an affair that arose between two people who first ‘met’ on a school WhatsApp group for parents of children with SEN.

holju · 03/12/2024 19:57

A decent man would have shut down her flirty behaviour straight away. Dump him now before you commit to him further.

Itissunnysomewhere · 03/12/2024 20:04

UnrelatedTo · 03/12/2024 19:36

Plus there is literally no way to render your relationship affair-proof by restricting your relationships, unless you live in a locked box.

Some examples of marriage-ending affairs among people I know were a man having an affair with his toddler’s married childminder, a man falling for a woman delivering things to a temporary workplace, and an affair that arose between two people who first ‘met’ on a school WhatsApp group for parents of children with SEN.

Show quote history

And the point is, People are going to encounter people they are attracted to from time to time. What matters is the boundaries they put in place when that happens. Do they shut down the flirtation or lean into it ...

BigDahliaFan · 03/12/2024 20:14

I'd run a mile from a partner who told me who 8 could or couldn't meet. Yes, you are the red flag.

Bachboo · 03/12/2024 20:21

BigDahliaFan · 03/12/2024 20:14

I'd run a mile from a partner who told me who 8 could or couldn't meet. Yes, you are the red flag.

Absolute rubbish

Peejays · 03/12/2024 20:25

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request

Itissunnysomewhere · 03/12/2024 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at OP's request

Exactly!

Gogogo12345 · 03/12/2024 20:31

Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:44

Thank you. That’s a very thought provoking post.

My dad had an affair when I was in my teens, so there is a chance I’m sensitive to that fear but I’m fine with him having female friends generally, I do trust him not to take it further, but her behaviour was off. Him hiding it is off. I’m fine with his friendship with her, my preference is that it’s not just the two of them.

“Your partner lied, got defensive and did not care about how upset you were.
Seeing her takes priority over your feelings.”

Thats the bit that stings.

Show quote history

See I have a male friend that I regularly see alone. There never has been or will be any sexual relationship but id be a bit pissed off that we couldn't chat without a girlfriend being there.

My OH has no issues with it either

Calliopespa · 03/12/2024 20:38

Gogogo12345 · 03/12/2024 20:31

See I have a male friend that I regularly see alone. There never has been or will be any sexual relationship but id be a bit pissed off that we couldn't chat without a girlfriend being there.

My OH has no issues with it either

Show quote history

But is your behaviour round him flirty? Or his?

Itissunnysomewhere · 03/12/2024 20:38

Gogogo12345 · 03/12/2024 20:31

See I have a male friend that I regularly see alone. There never has been or will be any sexual relationship but id be a bit pissed off that we couldn't chat without a girlfriend being there.

My OH has no issues with it either

Show quote history

Do you flirt continuously and go on holiday and share a bedroom though? If you were at a party would you studiously ignore his new girlfriend?

There's a whole world between truly platonic friendships and what op is describing.

BigDahliaFan · 03/12/2024 20:44

If you don't trust someone fine, don't go out with them, but up you can't ban some from seeing someone alone. where does that stop?

Itissunnysomewhere · 03/12/2024 20:52

BigDahliaFan · 03/12/2024 20:44

If you don't trust someone fine, don't go out with them, but up you can't ban some from seeing someone alone. where does that stop?

It's not about banning, it's about having conversations about what makes you uncomfortable and if you can't both find a way forward then yes the right thing to do is end the relationship

Personally I would have ended it at the mere suggestion of bedroom sharing, but then I like myself enough to feel I deserve a partner who treats me with respect.

ElleintheWoods · 03/12/2024 21:06

After that I calmly asked DP if he could only meet her when me and her partner are there as it felt uncomfortable for me the thought of her flirting with him without me there.

Such a request is just so not ok and controlling. If you say you trust him, you need to get your insecurities and disike of this woman in check.

Anyone who would tell me who I can and cannot see and under which conditions wouldn't have a place in my life, I am no longer 8.

MySweetGeorgina · 03/12/2024 21:10

Oh wow how she must have loved that he chose to see her secretly, and that he chose to go out with her instead of you, how they would have bonded over your @unreasonabablenss" your "misinterpreting" of their friendshipHmm

I think you are doubting your own intuition because you are being gaslit a bit by him

Trust your intuition

If it was an innocent friendship you would have meet up all together including you and her husband

Tryst yourself

Gogogo12345 · 03/12/2024 21:18

MySweetGeorgina · 03/12/2024 21:10

Oh wow how she must have loved that he chose to see her secretly, and that he chose to go out with her instead of you, how they would have bonded over your @unreasonabablenss" your "misinterpreting" of their friendshipHmm

I think you are doubting your own intuition because you are being gaslit a bit by him

Trust your intuition

If it was an innocent friendship you would have meet up all together including you and her husband

Tryst yourself

They did all meet up together. But why should they have to in Every occasion?

If my OH has told me not to see a friend alone id have told him to get stuffed. The mistake this guy made was agreeing to it

Itissunnysomewhere · 03/12/2024 21:41

ElleintheWoods · 03/12/2024 21:06

After that I calmly asked DP if he could only meet her when me and her partner are there as it felt uncomfortable for me the thought of her flirting with him without me there.

Such a request is just so not ok and controlling. If you say you trust him, you need to get your insecurities and disike of this woman in check.

Anyone who would tell me who I can and cannot see and under which conditions wouldn't have a place in my life, I am no longer 8.

Do you go around jumping into bed with other people when you are in a relationship?

GoldsolesLugs · 04/12/2024 00:56

Snoken · 03/12/2024 16:16

@GoldsolesLugs Well then it's a done deal I guess. She said he's not allowed to see his friend unless she is there, he saw his friend anyway meaning the relationship is doomed.

It is unreasonable to say to someone they can't see their friend on their own so I don't blame him for doing it anyway but it's crossing a line for OP meaning none of them can be happy if they are going to be together. Giving up a friendship that you value is too much of a compromise for most people surely.

Well to be honest it might be. Him playing oblivious to the flirting and then lying are really not good signs.

JennyTals · 04/12/2024 01:15

It's not really about trust
It's about respect, and also it is alos about trust too as he's lied to you, and broken an agreement

Throw him back, you deserve more

tigerlily9 · 06/12/2024 18:42

Move on - he’s made his decision. Why stay when there will be 3 of you in this relationship and she was marking out her territory when you first met. I suspect she does it to all his girlfriends. No one is as great as she is.

MsDogLady · 06/12/2024 19:37

@Lyingisnotok, I’ve been thinking about you and your situation. Where do things stand now?

BabyCM · 12/12/2024 19:08

I would of ditched him as soon as he hid meeting her for lunch. Like you said it's the hiding it that's not ok and the fact that he knows it makes you uncomfortable means he's not treating you like a priority.

Emptynester67 · 12/12/2024 19:15

I think I'd call it a day. If its that uncomfortable how will you feel if it continues and you're living with him. It doesn't sound like it's going to get any better. I wouldn't be prepared to invest any more time with him deceiving you.

thecrystalfaze · 12/12/2024 19:19

Jk987 · 03/12/2024 07:17

You can't prevent your partner from seeing a friend. Being in a relationship doesn't allow one grown adult to tell another grown adult who they should see.

I'd be concerned that something may have already happened between them though. Especially given that her partner also thinks her flirting is odd.

I agree that one grown adult cannot tell another grown adult not to see a friend. However, if that friendship has made you so uncomfortable I would expect your partner to have a little common decency and try to understand your point of view. I'd say he's in danger of losing his relationship with you over this, as she clearly has no boundaries, but this doesn't seem to bother him. I'd be more concerned about that if I was him. Priorities. Friends don't flirt with friends unless they want more than friendship. She obviously has her own agenda and he can't claim ignorance as its already been highlighted to him. I would be worried about his lack of concern for your discomfort. Sounds like a dick!

Seedlings2022 · 12/12/2024 19:27

I'm really irritated by the other woman and also with your partner for not seeing the flirting (or choosing not to..) and for choosing her over your feelings.
Actually, quite rightly it's not healthy to be banning anyone from being friends with someone else but in all honesty, I'd be hoping that my partner made the choice to prioritise our relationship over a silly flirting woman. It's absolutely not ok and this other woman would know this too.

I wonder how it would be if the shoe was on the other foot?
I bet he wouldn't like it one bit.
I'm afraid I'd be running for the hills as no one should be playing second fiddle.

If she was a TRUE friend of your partner,she would be trying to get to know you, supporting the relationship and boosting it rather than focusing on her own ego. Xx

Mwanamatapa · 12/12/2024 19:45

This relationship sounds more than friendship. And now he's trying to hide it doesn't bode well. Is get out now and find someone who would rather spend time with you and not flirty girlfriends.