Lunch with another woman

[Lyingisnotok]

NC for this.

My partner has a female friend. She has a long term partner. DP and her have known each other a couple of years. We have been in a relationship for over a year and are moving in together.

During the first few months of our relationship I didn’t meet her but was fine with them being friends. They went on a pre booked holiday together (twin room). He checked if it was ok for him to go and I was fine with it. No worries at all. Honestly trust him and felt genuinely fine about it.

A couple of months ago I finally met her, along with her partner and few others. She flirted with my DP a lot (ridiculous hair twirling, giggling, dominated his time - if you had looked in without knowing us all you’d assume they were together).

She largely ignored me. Made no effort at all. She responded to my attempts at conversation with her but then shut them down. Her partner and I exchanged a couple of glances as if to say ‘are you ok with this?’.

After that I calmly asked DP if he could only meet her when me and her partner are there as it felt uncomfortable for me the thought of her flirting with him without me there. I trust him not to take it anywhere but it just felt uncomfortable. He was a bit annoyed thinking I didn’t trust him but did agree as he could see my view.

I then found out recently he’d met her for lunch alone. I found out because he’d let something slip and so I asked and he answered. He wouldn’t lie directly but has lied through omission I think.

I was upset. He got cross. He doesn’t think I should make this request of him, he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.

AIBU?

I wouldn’t be moving in with him either.

This isn't how it works. You dont stop each other doing things or seeing people....that's controlling.

He is free to see who he wants. He is free to make changes based on your feelings. You are free to make changes to the relationship if you don't like what he does....but only to yourself.

Her behaviour is problematic, sure. But if he sees no problem with it, that's up to him. You can choose whether to remove yourself from the situation or not.

But she’s been his friend longer than the OP has been his girlfriend, and she’s friends with the OP’s boyfriend, and clearly not particularly interested in the OP. Which is clearly not that nice for the OP, but surely hardly surprising. I’m only properly friends with a few of my friends’ partners/spouses.

Plus I do find Mn ideas about opposite-sex friendships hilariously Saudi, especially the apparently unquestioned ‘rules’ that (1) it’s only ok for your boyfriend to have close female friends if he’s known them for decades (all friendships have to be new at some point, but he’s not allowed to make new female friends once he’s in a relationship, apparently) and (2) if the female friend displays a flattering interest in the girlfriend, and (3) if every text and meeting is ‘disclosed’ and sanitised.

I tell you frankly, as someone with good, longterm male friends that if DH had stipulated I not meet them solo and that all texts and phone calls were shared, he wouldn’t have lasted in my life. He obviously gets to state his bottom line, as does anyone in a relationship, but that kind of insecurity and possessiveness wouldn’t work for me.i would choose established friendships over a new relationship every time. And there’s no way of magically ‘affair-proofing’ your marriage, ever, certainly not by restricting friendships.

OP, obviously you need to consider your own bottom line. But ask yourself whether you really think it’s in any way reasonable to require to chaperone your partner’s friendship?

She honestly sounds like a dog pissing to mark her territory over their friendship, I don’t know how you didn’t walk out and leave them to it there and then. I suspect he is at her beck and call as I’ve seen this behaviour before and there’s been similar threads on here where he’s ended up being in love with the friend.

They probably slept together on that holiday
dont move in with him. Leave him

Everyone saying "you can't ban him from seeing a friend" is totally missing the point. DH and I both have friends of the opposite sex we meet up with independently. But we wouldn't need to ban each other from seeing someone like the OP is talking about, because we would each have read the room and stopped seeing that person 1:1 as we have respect for our partner and wouldn't want any lines to be crossed or for anyone to get the wrong impression.

Throw this one back, OP. He either doesn't respect you or just isn't that into you, if he's willing to risk the relationship to keep up this "friendship" (i.e. flirty ego boost).

What? They’ve been together over a year and are moving in together. It’s not like she’s just met him ffs.

This

and that's fine, but maybe either a) you actually don't have a flirty relationship with any of them, in which case it's a completely different situation and of course your DP has no need to worry, or b) your DP doesn't mind you having flirty relationships with others, in which case great for you but the vast majority of people wouldn't be happy with that and would gladly have thrown you back.

I think the blatant disrespect of you is as much the issue - I wouldn’t expect a friend of mine to be rude to my DP. And I wouldn’t be seeing them behind DP’s back if they were.

Obviously I’m not cool, because I wouldn’t be happy with my partner going on holiday and sharing a twin bedroom in the first place.

He crossed your boundaries, and has lied to you. This would cast wider doubt for me that he has have remained faithful -what else don’t you know about?

You say that you trust him, he was oblivious to her flirting, you are not worried about an affair, in which case why ban him from seeing her unless you are present? She sounds annoying and irritating but despite what you say, it does sound like you don't trust him - that's the underlying issue.

That's fine. I do think it's ridiculous you put this in place and I STILL think he's unreasonable to go for a secret lunch with this woman. I also think he is ridiculous to maintain a flirty friendship with a woman. I have a few good old male friends from school and uni. I can honestly, hand on heart, say that we do not flirt. Ever.

A year is hardly long term. TBH personally I wouldn’t be moving in with someone after only a year either, but given they don’t live together yet, now is the perfect time to call a halt to the relationship if it isn’t working for OP.

It is quite controlling to tell your partner that they are not allowed to see their friend without you being there. I wouldn't tolerate that from a guy in a million years. Either they trust me and lets me have my friendships or they don't and then there is no point in being in a relationship. I would also not choose to end a friendship that I want to keep because my partner/boyfriend don't like them. My partner doesn't have to like all my friends but they have to accept that I want them in my life and that they benefit me in some way.

I think you two are just not compatible and if you continue to try and control his life it will just lead to more and more lies from him. It's just not sustainable to say he can't see his friend on his own.

Anyone can throw anyone back for any reason! Similarly, I wouldn’t have been keen on a man who didn’t have female friends.

I don’t have a ‘flirty’ relationship with any of my male friends, no, but I feel sure that some of the kinds of closeness I have with a couple of them would be classed as ‘emotional affair’ stuff by the type of Mner who thinks going to the cinema with an opposite-sex friend is inappropriate because that’s ’date territory’.

I suppose all I’m saying is that I wouldn’t have contemplated changing my friendships for a new boyfriend, and would probably have ended the relationship if he was insecure and possessive.

That’s a passive aggressive but still screams no that will be why he didn’t ask

sounds like they have been friends for years and extremely comfortable with each other leathers than shagging

OP, I’m intrigued as to why you didn’t have an issue with his going on holiday with this woman, and sharing a room with her.

I would have an issue if I went out with my DP and a friend essentially behaved like they were in a relationship, and I would bring it up.

But tbh the going on holiday and sharing a room would have already crossed that boundary for me.

I have lots of male friends. I would go out to lunch with them, would even go on holiday with them, and I have one who occasionally crashes at my house when he’s down for work.

But sharing a room is intimate. Even if you don’t sleep together. There are male friends I could share a room with and I am 100% sure that nothing would happen. But I wouldn’t because there are some boundaries. You just don’t cross.

It’s not about banning friendships. It’s not IMO even about a lack of trust. It’s about boundaries in a relationship where you just don’t go.

I genuinely think some people just don’t have those boundaries. They do things a certain way because that’s the way they’ve always done them. But there comes a point when something changes and then they need to realise that the scope for those boundaries has changed.

E.g. I think that if you’re just friends it is actually perfectly ok to share a room if you go on holiday together.

But once you’re in a relationship it’s not.

Relationships don’t ( at least for most people) stay “new” though. At some point, a primary relationship needs to take precedence in terms of focus and commitment over even the longest of friendships.

You had no issues with them going away together so I’m going to assume her behaviour must have been pretty bad for you to end up feeling the way you did after meeting.

She made you feel uncomfortable enough that you asked DP to no longer meet her alone, he could have said no, which would have been fine, then you could have decided whether or not it was a deal breaker and moved on.

He didn’t though, he agreed and then went behind your back and met her anyway. Now you have a decision to make.

‘Take precedence’ in what way, though? Sure, you may decide to live together, share finances, marry, have children, in a way you don’t with friends, but why would that involve allowing a partner to dictate whether or on what terms you see your friends?

Instead of asking him not to see her without you I think he should have pulled her up on her behaviour towards you, rather than him.
If he was to tell her that she was dismissive towards you and that she perhaps needs to stop the flirting it would set the boundary.

Because their comfort around it should be of relevance. I don’t think there is any reasonable suggestion here that OP is just clingy or controlling. She was chilled about the holiday and sharing a room, which other posters have said they would not be. It was only when the woman was rude and unfriendly to op while simultaneously behaving in a way op felt was inappropriate that she raised, in an open and frank way, her concerns. Anyone who values their partner’s feelings should not just dismiss their partners feelings outright on the basis that they “can do as I choose.”

Stop making excuses for him.

He chose to see her alone when he'd promised not to.

it meant more to him to see her than the promise he'd made to you, so you now know his promises are meaningless, his word is meaningless. Why do you want to continue a relationship when you can't trust what he says?? I've got cheese older than your relationship. 1-2 years is nothing compared to 50 (or so ) years of being an adult. Share them with someone worthy of your trust.

What does we could have talked it out really mean though?