Lunch with another woman

[Lyingisnotok]

NC for this.

My partner has a female friend. She has a long term partner. DP and her have known each other a couple of years. We have been in a relationship for over a year and are moving in together.

During the first few months of our relationship I didn’t meet her but was fine with them being friends. They went on a pre booked holiday together (twin room). He checked if it was ok for him to go and I was fine with it. No worries at all. Honestly trust him and felt genuinely fine about it.

A couple of months ago I finally met her, along with her partner and few others. She flirted with my DP a lot (ridiculous hair twirling, giggling, dominated his time - if you had looked in without knowing us all you’d assume they were together).

She largely ignored me. Made no effort at all. She responded to my attempts at conversation with her but then shut them down. Her partner and I exchanged a couple of glances as if to say ‘are you ok with this?’.

After that I calmly asked DP if he could only meet her when me and her partner are there as it felt uncomfortable for me the thought of her flirting with him without me there. I trust him not to take it anywhere but it just felt uncomfortable. He was a bit annoyed thinking I didn’t trust him but did agree as he could see my view.

I then found out recently he’d met her for lunch alone. I found out because he’d let something slip and so I asked and he answered. He wouldn’t lie directly but has lied through omission I think.

I was upset. He got cross. He doesn’t think I should make this request of him, he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.

AIBU?

I agree with what the above posters have said. He's certainly not taking any steps to reassure you and is still prioritising seeing her. It seems she has this weird hold on him despite being attached to someone else. Don't move in together if you have any doubts.

Yes. That’s a helpful way of putting it.

Well at least you know in advanced that he’s sneaky, he hides things, he loves attention from other women and that he doesn’t prioritise you or your feelings.

there’s enough red flags here to decorate a carnival!

I didn't mean it to sound harsh by the way, but just saying how it seems from the outside so you can see that you deserve better

Poster above nailed it. If you said jump and she said roll he’d be on the floor before you could blink.

Whether he’s done anything or not with her you’re only a year in to this relationship and already you’re being painted as the “nag”. He should be in the fun, giggling, hands over each other stage with you. Not chasing his ego.

OP, he's a grown man. He is not oblivious to the flirting. Maybe if he's ND and has particular struggles in the social cue area or something but barring that, I can assure you he's not oblivious. More than likely he enjoys it.

Honestly past experience tells me to keep well away from a guy who has a friendship with a woman like this. Even with that aside, he went behind your back rather than talking to you. I'd nope out of there personally.

Thanks. Yes. I guess I didn’t think too much about it at the time. I knew she had a long term partner. They’d been friends longer than we had been together. He was up front and honest and asked me if I minded. Although, if I had said that I did mind I wonder what he’d have done.

No. It’s a long relationship. They are engaged.

If he’d have said that I’d have been ok with it. I wouldn’t have ever liked it though.

I genuinely don’t think anything physical has ever happened.

‘Nope out of here’. Love that phrase.

She has made no effort to get to know you / become your friend and she has flirted with your boyfriend. Chances are when they went out for lunch she asked him if you knew where he was and when he said no she would have loved having that little secret between them . That wouldn't sit right with me .

Sadly I think it is the ego boost he likes. I don’t think he’s aware of it though. Just feels good.

Of course he’s aware of it.

OP it sounds like the friend was marking her territory a bit when you were with her, maybe trying to make you feel insecure. I don’t think you were unreasonable to ask him to not see her alone. But he should have said no if he wanted to carry on seeing her, then you could have decided what to do about it. I think he will know she is flirting with him even if he pretends he doesn’t, and will be enjoying the flattery. Trust your instincts here - I would be having a firm chat with him about it and explaining you didn’t enjoy the flirty dynamic and if he wants to carry on with this one in one flirty friendship then you will need to rethink the relationship.

You’re being controlling and unreasonable. You’re the red flag

I hadn’t thought of that. That’s a horrible thought. Who’d do that?? I hope that isn’t the case but you may be right.

OP, unless there is an issue in your past that makes you extra suspicious and messes up your judgement, I would trust my gut.
Their interaction made you uncomfortable.
She acted like you were a rival.
Your partner lied, got defensive and did not care about how upset you were.
Seeing her takes priority over your feelings.

These are all bad signs, tbh. I know they might not be having an affair, but it is also not completely innocent. All affairs have to start somewhere and it looks like these two have a connection that goes beyond friendship.

I cant really advice as its a difficult situation - but I definitely would slow things down a bit and keep my wits about me. And be ready to leave if something else comes up.

Really? Wow. That’s strong and goes against the grain. I don’t see myself that way. Had the boot been on the other foot I’d have absolutely understood and when my male friend invited me for lunch I’d have talked it through with DP rather than hide it. I was fine with them going on holiday together, fine with his other female friends. It’s Sheila’s behaviour I found problematic. He could see why at the time, once I explained.

But I will reflect on it.

Whether they are having and affair or not, her behaviour towards you is quite clearly staking her “I was here first” claim. She’s got no interest in getting to know you, which tells you all you need to know about the dynamic of their relationship. Do you want to spend the rest of your life competing with her?

Her behaviour when you met was rude and inappropriate but your partner chose to ignore it. His loyalties seems to lie with her rather than with you so I would make a decision to end your relationship.

I was the ‘cool girl’. Never objected to any of h’s female friends. Until he cheated on me with someone I would never have suspected in a million years. I learned my lesson. You can’t control what others do but you can control what you will tolerate.

You shouldn't have made such a ridiculous demand and he shouldn't have agreed.

But once you did and he did, he shouldn't have gone behind your back either.

The reality is that there is no winner here. All of you appear to have odd and inappropriate boundaries.

Even if she did, he knows OP wouldn't like it and had every chance to say sorry I don't want to or whatever else. I know it's easy to paint the woman as the instigator leading the poor man astray and manipulating them, but it's a bit pathetic really.

Thank you. That’s a very thought provoking post.

My dad had an affair when I was in my teens, so there is a chance I’m sensitive to that fear but I’m fine with him having female friends generally, I do trust him not to take it further, but her behaviour was off. Him hiding it is off. I’m fine with his friendship with her, my preference is that it’s not just the two of them.

“Your partner lied, got defensive and did not care about how upset you were.
Seeing her takes priority over your feelings.”

Thats the bit that stings.

You can ponder and wonder what both are thinking re the flirting, the rights and wrongs of making your request, his real thoughts of your request - you can't ever properly know these things and they'll drive you mad thinking it over.
What you know is she said 'dinner' and he ran to it without telling you. So you do definitely know he finds it ok to lie by omission to you, and then to actively blame you for that. These points of fact are sufficient to see how a future with him would be. She's probably done you a favour that you've found out now.
Still it's very hard, rubbish and hope you're ok.

hes not oblivious to her flirting if he recognises it enough to get an ego boost from it 🤷🏻‍♀️