Lunch with another woman

[Lyingisnotok]

NC for this.

My partner has a female friend. She has a long term partner. DP and her have known each other a couple of years. We have been in a relationship for over a year and are moving in together.

During the first few months of our relationship I didn’t meet her but was fine with them being friends. They went on a pre booked holiday together (twin room). He checked if it was ok for him to go and I was fine with it. No worries at all. Honestly trust him and felt genuinely fine about it.

A couple of months ago I finally met her, along with her partner and few others. She flirted with my DP a lot (ridiculous hair twirling, giggling, dominated his time - if you had looked in without knowing us all you’d assume they were together).

She largely ignored me. Made no effort at all. She responded to my attempts at conversation with her but then shut them down. Her partner and I exchanged a couple of glances as if to say ‘are you ok with this?’.

After that I calmly asked DP if he could only meet her when me and her partner are there as it felt uncomfortable for me the thought of her flirting with him without me there. I trust him not to take it anywhere but it just felt uncomfortable. He was a bit annoyed thinking I didn’t trust him but did agree as he could see my view.

I then found out recently he’d met her for lunch alone. I found out because he’d let something slip and so I asked and he answered. He wouldn’t lie directly but has lied through omission I think.

I was upset. He got cross. He doesn’t think I should make this request of him, he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.

AIBU?

I would consider it controlling if my other half would tell me who I can and cannot see without his presence. Boundaries are important but this isn't a healthy boundary. It's control.

I think that if you're in a relationship, it's a good idea not to put yourself in situations where you might cheat. For example, going on holiday with someone who blatantly fancies you and sleeping in the same room.
I don't believe that your DP isn't aware that she fancies him - if he was he would have pushed back on you asking him not to meet her on his own. He understands that your request was reasonable and chose to meet her anyway.

OP follow this excellent advice. Your partner is prioritising his friend over you and lying about it. It would be interesting to know how he would react if the shoe was on the other foot and it was you meeting up with a a male friend and lying about it

I also go out of my way to be friendly to male friends' girlfriends though it's mostly because I like meeting new people, and if my friend is into this woman then she must be interesting/nice/good fun and therefore potentially a new friend for me. I don't second-guess them being territorial. I've found that the territorial, jealous types don't actually need a reason to try to control their partners.

I disagree that people should choose partners over friends. Men I dated who objected to any of my friendships got dumped pretty unceremoniously. A long-term relationship would be different but DP is DP precisely because he has never, and would never, try to control who I was friends with or when I could see them.

You can set your own boundaries but trying to set boundaries for another autonomous adult is what makes it controlling. It's not healthy to decide on your partner's behalf who they can see, when and how.

have you actually read the three?

The friend is flirting with her partner infront of her! No one would be okay with this and you wouldn’t either if it was happening to you

That's not boundary setting. Telling someone that they are not allowed to see their friend on their own is controlling.

For me, someone telling me that I couldn't see my friend how and when I wanted to would massively cross my boundary of what's healthy in a relationship though.

So she should be okay with being lied to and totally disrespected? Bollocks to that. She has every right to tell her partner how she feels

Yep, which bit are you questioning?

I don't have a problem with OP not being comfortable with it, but then she should leave the relationship not tell her boyfriend that he can't see his friend on his own. That's not healthy and she has no right to make such decision for a functioning and thinking individual. That's his decision to make and he doesn't want to give up this friendship.

Nobody is saying she can't express that she is uncomfortable but she can't decide that he is not allowed to see his friend when and how he wants to. It's his life that she is trying to dictate. He shouldn't have said OK to that and then met up with his friend anyway, but very few people would be OK to give up friendships that they value just like that.

You are obviously worried that he will have sex with this other woman. You say you trust him, so I guess you are worried that she will make a move on him and he will be tempted and make a mistake. I think you need to talk to him about your fears, although this will be difficult. If you can't agree that she flirts with him in front of you then I think you're in trouble.

Also, don't listen to this bollocks from PP about boundaries being controlling. Being in a relationship involves compromise. Compromising with someone is essentially consenting to being "controlled" in some area. A boundary is just stating what is acceptable to you in the relationship. The only real means you have of enforcing it is to leave. So you're basically saying "if you keep seeing this woman I will leave". No problem with that. If your partner thinks that your boundaries are unreasonable then he can leave. Again, no problem with that. Nobody is "dictating" anything to anyone.

She is not trying to dictate al all. She has every right to ask this of her partner and the majority would do the same if they were in her shoes

“tableau of coupledom!” 😂

And where is the value in this friendship?

This

@GoldsolesLugs Well then it's a done deal I guess. She said he's not allowed to see his friend unless she is there, he saw his friend anyway meaning the relationship is doomed.

It is unreasonable to say to someone they can't see their friend on their own so I don't blame him for doing it anyway but it's crossing a line for OP meaning none of them can be happy if they are going to be together. Giving up a friendship that you value is too much of a compromise for most people surely.

Very few people would need to give up a friendship; most would be ok to just bring their partner and make them feel decently included like functioning social individuals.

Well we can’t be completely sure … some people probably do get off on that kind of thing.

But I wouldn’t, and clearly you don’t, and so OP is not alone in the fact that she obviously doesn’t either.

Bringing your partner every time you want to see your friend is definitely not a sign of functional social individuals. Being able to spend time alone with your friends is very healthy in any relationship. The same way it's healthy to spend time on your own sometimes with your kids or other family. I would have hated to bring my husband every time I went to see a friend.

OP I have two male friends. We do lunches a movie but what we don't do is flirt. That she is flirty and he let's her is not a good sign.

Yes of course. But in this instance op wanted to go. Surely if your husband would like to be included you would?

There are plenty of times I wouldn’t want go with my DH, and vice versa; but if I’d said can I be included I’d be thrown if he did it behind my back.

I think people are being a bit unfair to op acting as if she traipses along everywhere with him. The partner went on holiday with this woman before op witnessed the dynamic which she felt was off.

My point really was why , since she’d explained she’d like to attend, could he not have included her and ensured op was treated normally? There’s only really one or two answers to that - one of which is he didn’t care to, the other is he knows the other woman won’t or can’t act normally.

Pulling the “ have some space” argument isn’t totally fair in this situation.

OP do not listen to this “advice”

I think that if you're in a relationship, it's a good idea not to put yourself in situations where you might cheat.

Sorry what? I can put myself where i want. There are no situations where I might cheat.

I think you are both wrong TBH.
I don't think it was reasonable for you to ask him not to meet her alone, but having agreed to that it certainly wasn't right for him to do it behind your back.
After that meeting it would have been perfectly OK to have raised with him and discussed the way she behaved, that it was rude, inappropriate, etc, but asking not to meet her alone sounds a big jump to me.