Lunch with another woman

[Lyingisnotok]

NC for this.

My partner has a female friend. She has a long term partner. DP and her have known each other a couple of years. We have been in a relationship for over a year and are moving in together.

During the first few months of our relationship I didn’t meet her but was fine with them being friends. They went on a pre booked holiday together (twin room). He checked if it was ok for him to go and I was fine with it. No worries at all. Honestly trust him and felt genuinely fine about it.

A couple of months ago I finally met her, along with her partner and few others. She flirted with my DP a lot (ridiculous hair twirling, giggling, dominated his time - if you had looked in without knowing us all you’d assume they were together).

She largely ignored me. Made no effort at all. She responded to my attempts at conversation with her but then shut them down. Her partner and I exchanged a couple of glances as if to say ‘are you ok with this?’.

After that I calmly asked DP if he could only meet her when me and her partner are there as it felt uncomfortable for me the thought of her flirting with him without me there. I trust him not to take it anywhere but it just felt uncomfortable. He was a bit annoyed thinking I didn’t trust him but did agree as he could see my view.

I then found out recently he’d met her for lunch alone. I found out because he’d let something slip and so I asked and he answered. He wouldn’t lie directly but has lied through omission I think.

I was upset. He got cross. He doesn’t think I should make this request of him, he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.

AIBU?

This op.

But would you share a hotel bedroom with them?

Just a small, general point (because I actually think the OP shouldn't trust someone who is willing to lie to her for an easy life) but i don't think that not trusting your partner nor to have an affair is the only reason you could request no 1-1 time.

It could also be because the friends is and was so disrespectful to you that you know she will continue to be so when you're not there and view our as a 'victory' that she gets to do that without him putting any boundaries in place or pulling her up on it. That's humiliating.

As it happens, I think it's a wrong-headed request because the actual problem is your partner not respecting you or standing up for you, but there we are!

I think we are crossing wires.

I felt the room sharing was inappropriate.

Im just responding to a poster who claimed those who think the room sharing was inappropriate are unable to conceive of a platonic relationship.

yes it is weird - they both have romantic partners but spun a yarn to enable a holiday together, sharing a room?

we were on a break !!!

He was oblivious to her flirting.

No – he wasn't. I wouldn't be painting him as so clueless, If I were you. He's an adult man. He know when a woman is flirting with him, he knows if he likes it or not and he knows why.

Friendships aside, he should not be allowing any behaviour that is disrespectful to you no matter what that is. But he is and continues to do so against your feelings.

Let this one go. Decent men don't treat their partner's like this.

I agree you shouldn't trust someone who lies to you. That's a lack of respect.

But I think that this idea of 'victory' is a total transference - how on earth can anyone know that is what she/thinks feels? People spend too much time thinking that others even give two hoots about them. If it's the way she has always been with him, it's the way she has always been with him. She totally gets to pull her up on it... at the time, not with her partner later. Tell her at the time - particularly if there are glances being exchanged as I said. They're adults.

I'm not sure your partner should have to 'stand up for you' - she wasn't being threatened and frankly should be able to stand up for herself.

Well if she acts flirty in front of you, I wouldn't trust them at all on their own, especially keeping the meetings a secret it's disrespectful to you and he doesn't seem to care about your feelings.
Sometimes you just know, convincing yourself it'll be ok, only if your there, is not going to stop them having an affair.
I'd have a word with her partner, and leave the situation.

If you carry on with the move in plans you are just telling him it’s fine and he can be this man who doesn’t owe you honesty. Don’t do that.

I go out of my way to be friendly to male fruends' gfs so that they know that I'm not a "threat". Also because I want to keep my friends because if gf puts an ultimatum he will choose her, as it should be. It doesn't seem to be the case here and her flirting with your husband is quite telling. I think they were/are having an affair. Sorry.

How does he react to her when she’s being flirty and giggly? Does he look at her with attraction in his eyes the way she looks at him? What is his role in creating this tableau of coupledom?

Yes, If I am not at all "into " my friend then I am genuinely delighted to meet their girlfriend and want to get to know her. Also, on the couple of occasions where I knew the man had a bit of an unrequited crush on me I have backed away from the friendship out of respect for their relationship

Surely it is everybody’s rights to have the relationships and friendships that they want to. The fact that he knew this person before he met you surely means that if he’d wanted to be with her he would be with her. Her behaviour around him is not his problem. And also you could argue it’s not your problem.

After her amicable divorce, a friend of mine asked her ex what she had done wrong. He said nothing it was simply that his ego had been boosted. They'd been together for years. You've got a situation that's right at the beginning of a new relationship.

Maybe she's not a threat. Maybe she never will be. If both you and her fiancee noticed the flirty then your dp must have noticed too. The fact that he didn't shut it down by eg putting his arm round you or similar doesn't say a lot for his thought about you or your feelings. Why is she so flirty if they've known eachother years? Is it simply because you were there and suddenly she thinks she might have missed out on being with him? Also how much of a gap is there between you and his last relationship? Did she get on with his last partner? Why did they split up? Did she contribute to this? It might be relevant. Has there been any point where they've both been single at the same time?

The omission about lunch wouldn't usually be a concern but the fact that you'd spoken about your discomfort about meeting her alone and then he meet her without telling you is a big red flag for me. Its just as bad as lying. It's sneaky. If he had said "I know you're not happy about this but I'm just letting you know I'm meeting EmbarrassingWoman I'm friends with for lunch" at least it would be allq- be above board.

He's not putting you first, he's putting himself/ego first.
I'd seriously consider whether you want a relationship with someone that's sneaky and puts others before you. Been in a similar situation where they've put others before me to make themselves feel good and have been equally sneaky. It's soul destroying. I'd think about whether you want to end up brokenhearted, if you're

not feeling that way already.

It's their right to have that relationship, and equally it is @Lyingisnotok right to choose whether or not she wants to remain in a relationship with a man who lies to her and wants to prioritise a flirty woman over her.

I think trying to make an effort with a friend’s partner for all those reasons - and also just because why be arsey and unfriendly without good reason - is what most of us would do.

Equally though, he might have said "yeah she's fine with it" as wouldn't like to look like the bad guy. I see what the other poster was saying but try not to let that sort of thing play on your mind as it will not do your mh any good. It's easy to let your imagination run wild. I say this kindly.

@Lyingisnotok. She went out of her way to make you uncomfortable, your bf was oblivious soaking up the attention and you know the issue won’t go away even if they are just platonic. A real friend wouldn’t try to put doubt in a friend’s partners mind. You then got him to agree not to meet up with her on his own but he did anyway. Too many issues for only a year long relationship, you need to find someone who’s actions isn’t crossing your boundaries.

When I met my now husband he had a ex who wanted to stay friends and when I came on the scene she wasn’t happy and started to stir up trouble. They did have a flirty relationship, she didn’t want to lose that male attention but didn’t want him herself. Once she started making trouble between us we broke up and then started dating again a year later once he realised she was going out of her way to keep him single.

I just want to add that was my experience and it could be different to yours but do you want to spend your future feeling anxious and suspicious? Waiting for the axe to fall that may or may not happen? You deserve to find someone that doesn’t send your spidey senses into overdrive!

He’s keeping her on the back burner, just in case things don’t work out with you.

I’d be suspicious of his apparent ingenuous and oblivious nature with regards to her flirting. Men are not usually oblivious to that.

I’d also be uncomfortable with his conspiratorial secrets kept with her, like their lunch.

I’d be uncomfortable with his desire to see her and put her before your feelings, feeling which were triggered by her dismissive behaviour of you, obvious flirting, and feelings which were mirrored by her partner.

And I’d be uncomfortable with his lying.

He has cast you, perhaps unwittingly, as the third wheel, stick-in-the-mud in their relationship.

Don’t move in.

Leaving aside the connection with another woman for the moment : being in relationship with a partner that says ‘yes dear’ to your face and then does what they want behind your back is very destabilising and unsatisfying. Been there, done that, noped out feeling undermined and disrespected.
surface agreement masking a rift equals misery.

You cannot control his friendships and dictate whom he sees and in what circumstances. You sound insecure but of it's crosses a line for you then maybe moving in together is too early. I would put that on hold until you are clearer where you want the relationship to progress to under the circumstances.

The bigger questions are:

why do you feel you you have the right to dictate to him whom to see and whom not?
and
Why does he not feel able to stand up to you and rather goes behind your back.

It could be lack of respect etc but it could also be that your ways are controlling and he is scared of saying no. We only have your side of the story.

Either way, moving in sounds like the wrong move for both of you.

What? Am I reading that right? We aren't allowed to set boundaries in a relationship?
Boundaries aren't inherently controlling. They can be healthy