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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH Christmas works do and lack of comms

213 replies

menopausalminnie1 · 02/12/2024 21:23

DH out on his Christmas works do tonight. He left at noon. Said he’d be home by 5pm. Said he didn’t want to stay later as it’s a Police do and they get utterly mental.

He’s 52 years old. Got a call at 6pm to say they won’t let him leave (?) so he will be home about 8pm. Fine. I actually don’t care what time he gets home ….if he said to me it would be midnight that would be fine, but because he says 8 pm I have done things like prepare him some food, put up the Christmas tree as a nice surprise, lit some candles and I’m sitting here waiting like a numpty

It’s now 915pm and he hasn’t left the city (we have find my friend) so earliest he could be home is 11pm with ZERO comms to actually tell me this.

i can’t imagine a scenario where i say ill be home at a certain time and then do the opposite.

not a huge deal but a bit frustrating.

Its a big birthday for me tomorrow and I’m guessing he will be asleep till lunch time

OP posts:

PhoenixReincarnated · 02/12/2024 21:29

YANBU

The lack of communication is extremely frustrating. Do you have plans for tomorrow? Do you have kids that he needs to be up with to take to school so you can have a lie in. Either way I don't see why he can't be up in time.

Iamblossom · 02/12/2024 21:31

He's drunk, and having a good time, which to him in this moment is more important than calling you and letting you know plans have changed and he's staying to the bitter end.

It's annoying he couldn't just be honest from the get go, but if I were you, I'd go to bed and let him know you deserve a bit more respect and honest communication from him in future, and give no sympathy for his hangover.

If it's not a regular thing I'd let it go after that tbh.

Happy birthday.

Iamblossom · 02/12/2024 21:31

I would hoover the bedroom circa 8.30am.

ZekeZeke · 02/12/2024 21:35

Once off christmas party, leave him be. He is having fun.
If it was a regular occurrence then that's different.

PromoJoJo · 02/12/2024 21:37

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request.

DetestTheClockChange · 02/12/2024 21:37

I mean, his comms should be better...but did you not think about the fact he's not likely to give a stuff about the Christmas tree or lit candles after a big season?!

Pandasnacks · 02/12/2024 21:37

Lack of communication is a bit frustrating. But he has plans today/tonight with people you know 'get mental' at these dos and it's fine that he's late, you choosing to do a surprise and food and sit around waiting for his attention is on you to be honest OP, you can do all that a different night. Tonight is his night for his work friends.

Elizo · 02/12/2024 21:39

Just leave him be. Don’t set a time next time. If it was regular might be different

Hayley1256 · 02/12/2024 21:42

Just enjoy the night to yourself OP. I think it was a little optimistic preparing him food when he's been day drinking so you enjoy instead :) personally, I wouldn't expect to hear from my DP when he's out and I wouldn't really message him either. We both like to go with the flow and wouldn't get annoyed at each other if a night out went on for longer.

Original poster

menopausalminnie1 · 02/12/2024 21:45

Yeah I’m not going to message him or anything. Just SO frustrating at the lack of communication. He told me he didn’t want to stay late as it gets really messy. And yet here we are. Not helped by the fact that our relationship isn’t the best right now. He never fucks me. I can imagine him out chatting to female colleagues though. It’s the lack of communication that’s a killer. Just fucking text me “I’ll be home at midnight “ so I’m not sitting here like a fucking sap.

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 02/12/2024 21:51

He’s on a Christmas night out, he’s having a good time. As long as this doesn’t happen all the time, leave him be.

Maddy70 · 02/12/2024 21:51

Hes having fun and pissed. He will be back at some point

MyrtleStrumpet · 02/12/2024 21:52

My DH is out on Wednesday for his works do. He says he'll be back at 6 but he won't be so I'm getting a nice bottle of wine and catching up on Wolf Hall.

If he has form then assume he'll be late. Next year, smile sweetly and say, of course you will, then make your own fun. Don't get hung up about it.

Edingril · 02/12/2024 21:54

I don't get the issue just get on with your own thing, sure messes plans every that is rude but occasionally he is a grown up

User364837 · 02/12/2024 21:54

It is annoying but it’s his Xmas do and he’s letting his hair down. Don’t wait up!

JawsCushion · 02/12/2024 21:55

What a prat for making out he can't leave. Doesn't he realise that makes him sound so unattractive and not the popular, thoughtful guy he thinks it does?

JawsCushion · 02/12/2024 21:57

You're choosing to sit there like a sap. Which no one can see. If you're not having sex and you want to then speak to him.

Zanatdy · 02/12/2024 21:57

We all go with good intentions, then two drinks down and colleague pressure its a different story. Your poor relationship is clearly affecting your reaction. But he’s not being unreasonable. Just put the food in the fridge and sleep

ReadingSoManyThreads · 02/12/2024 21:58

The "they won't let me leave" comment would give me the ICK. The lack of comms, and the fact it's your big birthday tomorrow would fuck me right off in this situation.

If it wasn't for the big birthday, I'd be slightly annoyed at the lack of comms, but not majorly.

Happy Birthday for tomorrow, go out and enjoy yourself and don't rely on him to make it special. He clearly puts his piss up with work colleagues above your special day, not surprising when he's in the police to be honest - they have a high divorce rate for good reason.

Stirrednshaken · 02/12/2024 21:59

This isn't about the works do. Highly unlikely he'd be back early so that was misleading from the start. The issue is presumably you feel that he doesn't value your time enough to keep you in the loop. And I get that.

Obeseandashamed · 02/12/2024 21:59

YABU as it's a one off. On a regular occurrence or a normal day this would infuriate me but as a one off- let him be.

Mugler · 02/12/2024 21:59

I would hoover the bedroom circa 8.30am

Just why? Why would you do that?

I think MN is madness at times. People tracking each other on find my friend and partners expected to text when they’re out with friends is very odd to me. If any of us go out we don’t expect each other to text updates on where we are.

I can imagine him out chatting to female colleagues

This screams insecurity to me unless there’s a drip feed and back story.

If this was a man posting the OP about his partner going out the replies would be completely different. He’d be called controlling etc.

Edited to add I’ve just noticed it’s a big birthday tomorrow for you @menopausalminnie1 there’s the rest of the day to do something if he gets up at lunchtime.

LostittoBostik · 02/12/2024 22:02

It's annoying, but tbh with anything like this if my DH says "I'll be home by x" I just say "I doubt it" and leave it at that.

He's old enough to get himself home safely.

There's no point comparing female safety to male safety. Of course he would have a right to be worried by you doing the same, but you wouldn't because women always have their comms straight as it's part of how they plan to stay safe.

PullTheBricksDown · 02/12/2024 22:03

It's the big birthday tomorrow that makes this a thing. Otherwise you could just ignore. What was the plan for how you were spending tomorrow? Was he going to be with you for the day?

JaneJeffer · 02/12/2024 22:06

Who says comms?

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