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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH Christmas works do and lack of comms

213 replies

menopausalminnie1 · 02/12/2024 21:23

DH out on his Christmas works do tonight. He left at noon. Said he’d be home by 5pm. Said he didn’t want to stay later as it’s a Police do and they get utterly mental.

He’s 52 years old. Got a call at 6pm to say they won’t let him leave (?) so he will be home about 8pm. Fine. I actually don’t care what time he gets home ….if he said to me it would be midnight that would be fine, but because he says 8 pm I have done things like prepare him some food, put up the Christmas tree as a nice surprise, lit some candles and I’m sitting here waiting like a numpty

It’s now 915pm and he hasn’t left the city (we have find my friend) so earliest he could be home is 11pm with ZERO comms to actually tell me this.

i can’t imagine a scenario where i say ill be home at a certain time and then do the opposite.

not a huge deal but a bit frustrating.

Its a big birthday for me tomorrow and I’m guessing he will be asleep till lunch time

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 03/12/2024 03:43

EconomyClassRockstar · 03/12/2024 00:43

If it were any other night, I'd be fully on DH's side. But it's the night before your 50th? Why aren't you there too and then grabbing dinner together afterwards or something as a Bday eve thing?

Oh Christ, is ‘birthday eve’ a thing now??

Coalplay · 03/12/2024 03:45

Birthday eve

Moro93 · 03/12/2024 03:49

It isn’t the night before OP’s 50th! I don’t know why she said it’s a ‘big birthday’ tomorrow because in all her other threads, she says that she’s 55.

I wouldn’t be happy that he didn’t at least text to say he’d be home later, but I wouldn’t get too annoyed since it’s only a once a year thing. As long as he still makes an effort for your birthday I’d let it go.

However, the lack of sex is a different ballgame altogether…

SeatonCarew · 03/12/2024 04:03

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 02/12/2024 23:33

He's 52, she's 50, that ship has sailed....

Show quote history

You know nothing.

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/12/2024 04:10

I wouldn't be happy with the bullshit either - if you're not going to be back til 2am, don't piss about telling me you'll be back at 5pm.

And if theres a big event the following day, it's beyond rude, and thoughtless, to get so steaming drunk the night before that you'll ruin the entirety of the next day.

He's not a toddler, surely he can manage to use his words to tell the truth, communicate properly and have some thought for the person he supposedly loves?

ASimpleLampoon · 03/12/2024 04:17

Well you're going to be up and out tomorrow enjoying yourself regardless off his hangover., so tough if that's not comfortable for him.

garlictwist · 03/12/2024 04:34

I'm sorry but this is weird. It would not occur to me to expect my DH to tell me when he will be home or to wait for him or to expect "comms". Just let him get on with it and he'll come home when he's home. Does he never go out or something?

Orangesunset8 · 03/12/2024 04:37

Why did you lighten candles and put the Christmas tree when he is in a work party; seems like bad timing to me. There was every possibility he will be delayed

KickHimInTheCrotch · 03/12/2024 04:53

Ridiculous that he says they won't let him leave. But equally ridiculous that he's expected to update you with his plans as they change throughout the night. Only on mumsnet are people expected to check in with their partner all night while they're supposed to be out having fun.

Your drip feed indicates some other relationship problems but unless he's out getting slaughtered all the time that is completely separate.

Gunkle1 · 03/12/2024 06:20

I can see both sides but mainly YABU. Unless you where collecting him or he has history of dangerous/unsafe behaviour i would be in bed.

When my OH goes out, I couldn't care less if or when he comes home. But I do expect an idea of timings when I am collecting him so I know how to plan my night or if to go to sleep for few hours. My OH has also been know to walk home after a night out from the nearest city, which can be 12 miles away and through rough areas.

If I don't need to collect and know he won't walk home, I expect to hear from him briefly just to give heads up of if he is moving onto something. So if was a few drinks but decided to go to a club, or was planning a club night but was going to a house party etc. Just so I don't worry.

SharpOpalNewt · 03/12/2024 06:25

Mugler · 02/12/2024 21:59

I would hoover the bedroom circa 8.30am

Just why? Why would you do that?

I think MN is madness at times. People tracking each other on find my friend and partners expected to text when they’re out with friends is very odd to me. If any of us go out we don’t expect each other to text updates on where we are.

I can imagine him out chatting to female colleagues

This screams insecurity to me unless there’s a drip feed and back story.

If this was a man posting the OP about his partner going out the replies would be completely different. He’d be called controlling etc.

Edited to add I’ve just noticed it’s a big birthday tomorrow for you @menopausalminnie1 there’s the rest of the day to do something if he gets up at lunchtime.

Edited

I think a bit of texting is in order to let people know you are ok and that you are coming home a bit later. I've never been so drunk that I wasn't able to do that- not since texting was invented anyway!

user1492757084 · 03/12/2024 06:25

Let it rest.
You rest up tomorrow morning though and remind DH that it is your big biirthday.
"Darls, you get up to the kids; it's my big birthday lie in."

Edingril · 03/12/2024 06:33

SharpOpalNewt · 03/12/2024 06:25

I think a bit of texting is in order to let people know you are ok and that you are coming home a bit later. I've never been so drunk that I wasn't able to do that- not since texting was invented anyway!

Show quote history

If i am asleep I don't want to be texted

We need to cut the apron strings some time

DustyLee123 · 03/12/2024 06:54

Who remember time before mobile phones when you just came home, no one badgering you for an update on your plans.

SharpOpalNewt · 03/12/2024 07:00

I don't think we need to worry about apron strings at 52. It's just about having respect for one another in the same house and letting them know you have not gone under a bus or had a heart attack and will be on a train or in a taxi a bit later than usual. It doesn't need to be constant texts but an update if you are going to be later than you said.

And it's not misplaced anxiety. In my lifetime family members have not come back from a football match as they had a heart attack and did not come back from a trip to the shops as they were hit by a motorcycle. The worst can absolutely happen and we have this wonderful tech to let people know we're ok these days, in seconds.

SharpOpalNewt · 03/12/2024 07:01

DustyLee123 · 03/12/2024 06:54

Who remember time before mobile phones when you just came home, no one badgering you for an update on your plans.

It's not badgering, it's ten seconds to send a text. Mobile phones are bloody great for this.

Lotsofsnacks · 03/12/2024 07:12

JaneJeffer · 02/12/2024 22:06

Who says comms?

Someone married to someone in the police?!

Shinyandnew1 · 03/12/2024 07:15

I have done things like prepare him some food, put up the Christmas tree as a nice surprise, lit some candles

Why would he want food after his work do-didn’t they eat?!

I honestly would have assumed he wouldn’t be home at 6 and just done my own thing.

Mumofoneandone · 03/12/2024 07:15

Happy birthday 🎂 🎉
Make sure you go and have a nice breakfast or coffee and cake out. Or an activity you particularly enjoy.
Really unkind for him not to consider, presumably, commitments today to celebrate your special day.
Selfishly, sort yourself out today rather than hanging around waiting for him to wake up.

Gettingbysomehow · 03/12/2024 07:16

Its all about the peer pressure, being unable to say no to other men. I'd be pissed that he'll be totally u available on your birthday. I can't imagine he'll be fit for anything.
My ex H would be flat out all day after one of his regular benders.

mitogoshigg · 03/12/2024 07:17

My observation of various mumsnetters on this subject is that it's far better to not expect communication. They are on a night out, don't expect contact. I've never expected to be given a running commentary as to arrival time home, makes me far less worried

Lotsofsnacks · 03/12/2024 07:20

menopausalminnie1 · 02/12/2024 21:45

Yeah I’m not going to message him or anything. Just SO frustrating at the lack of communication. He told me he didn’t want to stay late as it gets really messy. And yet here we are. Not helped by the fact that our relationship isn’t the best right now. He never fucks me. I can imagine him out chatting to female colleagues though. It’s the lack of communication that’s a killer. Just fucking text me “I’ll be home at midnight “ so I’m not sitting here like a fucking sap.

Why didn’t you say this in the first post, that you are in a rocky patch and the later he stays out, you worry more that he’s getting more drunk and more likely to chat to female colleagues?

from the first post though, he’s on his works do, he’s going to be drunk and won’t notice the tree up and candles etc on his return. his colleagues will have been badgering him to stay. As long as he’s up tomorrow, to make a fuss of you on your bday that’s the important thing. I would say most people don’t get home on the dot after a work do, so don’t sit around waiting for him. The worry of him chatting up female colleagues is another issue.

Hateam · 03/12/2024 07:21

JaneJeffer · 02/12/2024 22:06

Who says comms?

The SAS say it a lot I think.

Saturdayssandwichsociety · 03/12/2024 07:21

menopausalminnie1 · 02/12/2024 21:45

Yeah I’m not going to message him or anything. Just SO frustrating at the lack of communication. He told me he didn’t want to stay late as it gets really messy. And yet here we are. Not helped by the fact that our relationship isn’t the best right now. He never fucks me. I can imagine him out chatting to female colleagues though. It’s the lack of communication that’s a killer. Just fucking text me “I’ll be home at midnight “ so I’m not sitting here like a fucking sap.

OP theres more to this than the christmas do
I mean even if hes not back til 11 or 12 so what? He's a grown man plenty of people stay out til that time, it's the xmas do?!
Its obvious reading your post that you don't trust him and don't like him staying out because you think it involves other women. You need to deal with why you think that.

I dont think you were ever reasonable thinking he'd leave at 5pm!

TeachesOfPeaches · 03/12/2024 07:21

There's numerous posts like this every year around Christmas.