DH Christmas works do and lack of comms

[menopausalminnie1]

DH out on his Christmas works do tonight. He left at noon. Said he’d be home by 5pm. Said he didn’t want to stay later as it’s a Police do and they get utterly mental.

He’s 52 years old. Got a call at 6pm to say they won’t let him leave (?) so he will be home about 8pm. Fine. I actually don’t care what time he gets home ….if he said to me it would be midnight that would be fine, but because he says 8 pm I have done things like prepare him some food, put up the Christmas tree as a nice surprise, lit some candles and I’m sitting here waiting like a numpty

It’s now 915pm and he hasn’t left the city (we have find my friend) so earliest he could be home is 11pm with ZERO comms to actually tell me this.

i can’t imagine a scenario where i say ill be home at a certain time and then do the opposite.

not a huge deal but a bit frustrating.

Its a big birthday for me tomorrow and I’m guessing he will be asleep till lunch time

I've got my Christmas do next week. It's a similar arrangement with starting at noon and probably finishing up a bit messy in the early hours. In my present sober state I don't intend to stay late, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions as my granny used to say.

My lesson from this thread is that I'll be telling my partner not to wait up for me and hoping they'll be pleasantly surprised when I'm home earlier than expected. Not telling them I'll be home early and disappointing them.

well the op obviously !

God you sound like his mum. Leave him alone. Would hate it if my husband had me on a curfew wth.

It does sound like you are doing performative “nice things” so you can have a go and martyr yourself to be honest. Look at poor me sat here waiting for you with your dinner on the table. Much better to leave him be then have a discussion when sober. I’d be taking issue with him saying they won’t let me leave though, that’s pathetic he’s an adult man.

It is isn’t it! Going on your works do is hardly being a knob is it. When I get in tonight and my Bobby other half has my dressing gown warming on the radiator and is giving me a lift to and from my Christmas do this week I must remind him what a knob he is!

The tracking thing is disturbing. Apparently, if you're not doing anything wrong, why would you object......

That's not the point. I was with a friend once and, the conversation was briefly suspended as we watched her husband leave work and go home via a tracker. It was like Pac-Man. 😧Grim.

Thanks everyone. I can totally understand why a lot of people think IABU.

But just to clarify, I wouldn't care if he said "I'll be home late, no idea when". It's the fact that he called me and said "I'll definitely be on X train, and John's wife is picking us up from the station, so I'll see you at 8pm"....then radio silence till he rolled in at 11pm. Why not just text me and say plans have changed, don't wait up? I'm maybe being picky, but it makes me feel unconsidered, or not important enough to be updated.

His last night out, I was meant to be collecting him. It was my days off, so I really fancied a few drinks. I asked him can you please let me know if plans change. I sat all night with soft drinks, and he got a lift home with someone else, without telling me. So I could have had some drinks, if he had bothered to update me, but he didn't.

Anyway, back to last night, as he planned to be home by 5pm, he didn't take any keys, so I either had to wait up or go to bed and leave the doors unlocked. We have 3 house cats, who he has let out by accident before when pissed, but that's another story (but still a worry). I was hoping he might get up for the animals this morning, and let me have a lie in, but obviously that hasn't happened. I've been up since 630am, and he is still asleep. I won't be waking him. There's no one else in the house, just us two.

I don’t blame you for being upset. I would be too.
Communication is a very basic form of respect. Why should you have spoiled evenings etc… just because his plans change and he can’t tell you.

Come down hard when he gets up. It’s not a difficult thing for him to correct. It’s selfish behaviour and a lack of respect for your time and wants….

Happy 🎈

My DH does this all the time. Radio silence until he’s on his way home. He just doesn’t use his phone when he’s in company and then assumes I’m in bed or watching a film.

Why though? I had a good night out with pals on Fri was a toss up between lift with x at 1am or stay for bus they got back 3.30am. Would have been really annoyed if Dh pacing about at home like he was my dad 🙄. Actually my dad was quite chilled once we were 18. Dh fast asleep and blissfully indifferent

He's still asleep? At 7:42!

@menopausalminnie1 I totally get where you're coming from. YANBU.
It's the thoughtlessness of not bothering to let you know what's going on. It makes you feel right at the bottom of his list of priorities; like you/your time isn't worth anything.

My dh does this sometimes, and a typical conversation goes like this:
Him: I've just gone for a few drinks, but I'm only staying an hour...
Me: Are you sure?... stay til they close if you like, it's not like you go out much! Have fun!...
Him: No, I'll be home by 7.30pm, I want to eat together.
Me: OK, If you're sure. I'll get dinner done for 7.45pm then. Let me know if you change your mind.
Him: Ok.

So I'll make us dinner and at 8pm, he's still not here, and hasn't let me know he's changed his mind.
I'll text and no reply, then maybe at 10pm I'll get I reply saying "sorry stayed for another, coming home soon, though."
Then at midnight I'll get a text saying... I've had too much to drink, will you pick me up from the station? Which I do.
I'm fine with him going out, I just hate being messed around, and hanging about, not knowing what's going on. I also get annoyed that I've wasted my time getting food ready for a certain time/ made something he really likes, that then won't get eaten. I really dislike waste.

Gawd, thank goodness my DH doesn’t go out drinking and act like a selfish teenager. I couldn’t put up with that sort of nonsense.

I’d definitely be hoovering in the bedroom at 8am if I was you OP.

This is exactly what I mean!!

If he had said "I'll be home at 1am" or even "No idea when I'll be back", that would have been FINE. It's him saying one thing, and doing another, that pisses me off. Especially when he's gone out without any keys!

This is the norm for DP and I too (and the one at home usually is in bed or watching a film, taking full advantage to have the house to themselves and a quiet indulgent night in).

I'd never give nor expect a specific time home from a party or work drinks (and if DP did give one I'd take it with a massive pinch of salt). We wouldn't specifically prepare dinner for each other but there'd be decent leftovers if needed. I don't really know why there need to be constant communications from someone on a night out.

It's never once crossed my mind to wait up for DP if he's out (nor him for me) and I'm completely at a loss as to why anyone would do that. Just go to bed!

Okay, giving that example, would you tell your DH that you were definitely getting that lift at 1am, but then actually get the bus at 3.30am, without telling him plans had changed? Would you let him sit at home, wondering if you'd had an accident?

This is something else that crops up on these threads all the time. WHY did he go out without keys? Why do so many men do this? I can't really process the idea that for some people it's not automatic to take your keys with you if you leave the house. Especially if you're going drinking! I'd be seriously unimpressed if DP didn't take his keys then either expected me to wake up to let him in, or woke me up when he got back.

No I did not discuss how I was getting home at all. I’m an adult! I would hate these stifling relationships urgh. We used to ….mot have phones you know,

I totally get that specifying a time of return then not sticking to it is annoying but he shouldn't have specified any time at all. If DP said he'd be back at 9pm from work drinks (which he wouldn't) I'd roll my eyes, say "yeah right" and think no more of it - I certainly wouldn't hold him to it.

LMAO at the thought of a Police Officer turning up to the works do with his wife 🙈.

Unfortunately, I know enough police officers to understand why the OP is worried about him being out talking to other women.

Police Officers speak in “Police speak” outside of work and it’s not unusual the that OP has picked some up, hence the “comms”.

I think your mistake was trying to do something nice for him for when he returns home as now you’re disappointed. I’d have done something nice for myself instead!

Hope he returned in a reasonable state and you have a lovely birthday today OP!

He didn't take keys because he planned to be home for 5pm. In his own words he didn't want to stay late, as it was going to get very messy. His works nights out have been utterly wild in the past, lots of shady things going on, that he doesn't want to be a part of. Apparently.

If dh is going out I don't expect a return time he should be able to enjoy himself without having to plan when he wants to come home in advance.

Unless I was picking him up in which case I would discuss the time in advance and agree before he goes out.

He should have taken the keys regardless of when he planned to be home (if he did it as some sort of "guarantee" he'd leave early, that's just idiotic). It's really entitled to expect anyone to sit at home ready to let you in at any time. If DP did that I would go out myself and TAKE MY KEYS.

My dh goes out twice a year with a big group of friends from his earlier years. He always has the best intentions and I always know as soon as he has a drink they go out the window. He said last month, I'm only having a few il be back about 3 (met up at 12). I just laughed and said sure you will, just have fun and il see you when you're back. He got in at 12am, which compared to the time some people's partners get in on here was pretty good. The best thing you can do is take it with a pinch of salt and get on with your night. Happy Birthday.

YANBU…but next time just tell him to take his keys, don’t offer lifts at the expense of your own fun, and detach a bit at these times.

Don’t be a martyr - I say that kindly, not scathingly. It just invites resentment where it could be avoided. Especially since he has form for changing plans that leave you hanging. Changing plans isn’t the worst behaviour but it is impacting on you - you can prevent that so the changed plans don’t matter anymore.