DH Christmas works do and lack of comms

[menopausalminnie1]

DH out on his Christmas works do tonight. He left at noon. Said he’d be home by 5pm. Said he didn’t want to stay later as it’s a Police do and they get utterly mental.

He’s 52 years old. Got a call at 6pm to say they won’t let him leave (?) so he will be home about 8pm. Fine. I actually don’t care what time he gets home ….if he said to me it would be midnight that would be fine, but because he says 8 pm I have done things like prepare him some food, put up the Christmas tree as a nice surprise, lit some candles and I’m sitting here waiting like a numpty

It’s now 915pm and he hasn’t left the city (we have find my friend) so earliest he could be home is 11pm with ZERO comms to actually tell me this.

i can’t imagine a scenario where i say ill be home at a certain time and then do the opposite.

not a huge deal but a bit frustrating.

Its a big birthday for me tomorrow and I’m guessing he will be asleep till lunch time

😂

Lol this made me laugh so much! So true.

When my husband mutters the words it won’t be a late/messy one in relation to a works night out, my response is famous last words.

Work do’s are notorious for being messy, I never look forward to them, never intend to stay late, then someone gets the shots in and that’s me for the night.

its once a year, he’s having fun and he will no doubt be talking to female and male colleagues. He’ll probably pick up a greasy kebab on the way home, food and candles definitely not necessary

You say he won’t have sex with you OP. You’re sitting winding yourself up imagining him out drinking and partying with other women.

OK, Picking this apart…

No reason not to take his keys. I view this as selfish. What if OP was invited out and couldn’t go because fuckwit didn’t take his keys.

Selfish not to update you.

Very optimistic of you to think you would be able to do anything fun with him on your birthday, given it’s the morning after his work Christmas do. I would have planned to go out with friends.

Underlying all this, you have no intimacy. What’s the story there? Does he demonstrate love for you in any way? If not, why are you still there?

Happy Birthday OP

A lot of posters will be only reading your first post and reacting to that or just knee jerking with 'leave him alone he's an adult back in the day there were no phones just go to bed ect ect'.

I get it though. It's not about what time he's coming home it's about tangling your life up in his plans and then not telling you when plans change. People are missing that point.

He made OP stay up to let him in cos no keys and not bothered texting to say he'll be late.

In the past he's made OP stay up late staying t total to give him a lift and then not let her know he's got a lift with someone else !

I think you need to make sure in future you have nothing to do with his plans if he goes out. I agree he's being very disrespectful to do this to you.

I think you're only mistake is not taking notice of his past actions and still believing he'd keep you updated ..... he's obvs got form for this.

So DH said he'd be back at 5pm and didn't take keys and was instead at home at 11pm?

As PP have stated he probably had every intention of returning home early, but was enjoying himself so much he lost track of time. Or perhaps he was afraid of your reaction if he was suggested he was to stay out later (it's my big birthday tomorrow and you're staying out until when)? Who knows.

He probably should have text in advance but it's eaily forgotten with alcohol flowing. Plus there's noting worse than seeing colleagues constantly on their phones giving their partners a play by play update of their night out.

Fact is he 'rolled in' at 11pm which according to you meant he left the night out shortly after 9pm? So he actually does sound conisderate in that regard.

Guy needs a medal for managing to peel himself away from his Xmas do that early but instead he's probably going to be subjected to an earful for laying in past 7:30 on his partners 55th. He doesn't deserve sympathy if he's hungover but he also doesn't deserve being lectured for enjoying himself on his Xmas do.

Hopefully he gets up soon and you can have a wonderful day together.

Why did you get up at 6.30 to see to house cats? What could they possibly need so early on a morning? Genuinely interested, I have dogs so have to be up to toilet and walk them but surely you cats have a litter tray and don’t go for early morning walks

I also agree with other posters that there's obviously more to this wrt to the lack of intimacy and the worrying about who he's talking to.

That's a whole other thread OP. Make a new one for it x

DH out on his Christmas works do tonight.

• Said he’d be home by 5pm.

-Got a call at 6pm to say they won’t let him leave (?) so he will be home about 8pm. -He hasn’t left the city (we have find my friend) so earliest he could be home is 11pm

How is this zero communication?

Zero to me would be going out at 12, due back at 5pm and then nothing till he rolls in at 2am. That seems inconsiderate as your partner would worry. A 'don't wait up' text should be enough if plans change wildly.

I know you made an effort with the tree and food and it sounds like a lovely evening. That's my sort of thing as well. Is the retrospective 'pick me dance' to make him feel bad for going out in the first place? ''Come and look at what you could have won'' Bullseye style?

Which of you will be more disappointed at missing putting up the tree together and a nice candle lit dinner he didn't know about?

It won't be him.......

The whole “my friends won’t let me leave” just conures up images of him blaming having to leave early on you. Why else would they be saying he can’t go? Unless he was saying @menopausalminnie1 won’t be happy if I’m late etc.

Happy Birthday OP.

So he left you with no communication about what time he would be back, expected you to be awake to let him in and then left you to deal with the cats on your Birthday. It doesn’t say much about his feelings towards you.

Happy birthday OP

I get it.

Next time he goes out you need to tell him that because of what happened last time, he needs to find his own way home and you may not be in or available to pick him up or let him in. Leave him a pizza in the fridge, don't cook for him. Just plan on the basis of his past behaviour rather than accepting his optimistic plans about how the night will plan out when alcohol and certain friends or colleagues are involved.

PS happy birthday!

First off Happy Birthday!
Obviously he rolled in last night eventually, but in future I would tell him if he didn't take his keys I wouldn't be waiting up for him. For me 11pm wouldn't be an issue, I'm rarely asleep before then, but if you usually go to bed at 10pm, then lock up as usual and do that. Send him a message saying what you've done and that he can book a room somewhere and come home when he's sobered up in the morning. He should be free to enjoy his evening, but you shouldn't be sat around picking up the pieces because he can't act like an adult. What would he do if he lived alone? He'd take his damn keys when he left the house. No reason he shouldn't be doing that now.

@menopausalminnie1 Hope you have a lovely birthday.

Just in case it wasn't clear to other posters, I'm not cross with my dh when he does this, and I don't have a go at him or anything when he's back.
I just find it exasperating and annoying at the time and I wish he wouldn't make plans he won't keep.
If someone is late, I worry they've had an accident (or something) and get very anxious, whereas given no set time, I wouldn't worry at all (unless they weren't back after 24hrs, lol).

I'm an over-thinker, and he knows this.

It's just about being considerate.

It’s easy to get swept along with colleagues and not look at your phone. It’s just annoying on this occasion because it’s your birthday! I hope you have a nice day today regardless.

But he did give her a return time - that's the whole point of the thread!!

He didn't need to. She didn't make him. So why did he?

And Happy Birthday @menopausalminnie1

But that's not what happened here

Totally missed the bit about intimacy. This is not about Christmas parties and changing plans. Start a new thread OP there’s lots of support for you x

Happy birthday, OP. I’d have been annoyed too. It’s not the going out, it’s the bullshitting and messing about. I sometimes wonder if they lie because they think they’ll ’get it in the neck’ (🤮) if they say they want to stay out late.

I hate how all the narrative about men going out is so sexist.

Also, I’m really sorry you’re with a police officer. I’ve never known anything like it when they socialise. It’s genuinely shocking what happens.

Lots of 'cool wives' on here giving it, 'Oh, we're both adults, what's the problem.'
DP and I are both adults too but, if one of us goes out and we're not sure when we'll be home, we say that, and add 'but I'll text later.' And then we do. It's not hard and it doesn't mean anyone is needy or controlling. It does mean the person at home is not left wondering whether to make/save dinner etc, which is just basic courtesy.

This man is being deliberately vague and moving the goalposts, which is at best unedifying. It's very egotistical as it ensures that all the OP's attention remains on him.
Saying very specific things like 'I'll definitely be on X train, and John's wife is picking us up from the station, so I'll see you at 8pm' is toying with the OP's expectations and, again, making sure her attention is all on him.

I used to do the same thing, so I get it, but you're putting yourself in this position. You know he's out tonight. You've tried to make it so that it's "nice" to come home too, that you compare to the night out, because you're feeling insecure. And then that insecurity gets worse because his comms are rubbish, because he's on a night out, and realistically he won't care about the tree being up or fancy food or you being around for a chat. He'll crash once he's home.

His comms should absolutely be better, yes; but a lot of your disappointment here is because you've created a "second event" of the night and he's missing it, and it took me a long time to learn that you're trying to protect yourself, but you're making it a lot worse.

I will say that for me, the answer was that the relationship was done. I felt insecure because he didn't respect or care for me enough, and that never really got any better. I could have stayed until the "end of the line", when something bad happened, but I hated living like that... so we split, and I've never felt like that, or felt the need to compete, ever again.

DH is pretty good at comms now, usually, although he does sometimes say he's on his last pint and then will arrive home two hours later - but he always has his key, he's always contactable, and it's not every time.

"This man is deliberately vague"
"Saying very specific things"

Well which is it vague or specific?

He's not being egotistical. He's enjoying a Xmas do and yes sometimes the goalposts change when you're in the swing of things. Yes he could have given a heads up he'd be home later. Yes he could have taken his keys. People make mistakes and as mistakes go this is pretty minor. The guy was in by 11pm, and in OP own admission meant he left the do shortly after 9pm.

OP is the one who opted to make it about him. He never said make me dinner. He never lets do X when I get home. She could have done any number of things with her evening but decided to light candles and put up a tree to impress her drunk partner.

For 90% of people that recognise a partners night out won't necessarily adhere to a strict schedule this is totally a non issue. Many PP have admitted their partners also claim they'll return at a resonable hour, but they are wise enough to recognise that's probably not true. And so so occupy themselves with other things and allow their partner so wiggle room as socialising outside of your relationship is important.